I'm going to have to write this coffee chat in spurts, because of computer issues. Thank you to my loyal readers who have listened to my whining, ranting, and awakening from this dark abyss that has consumed me for almost 3 years now. Writing this blog, has helped me to cut through so much of the crap, and to see so much, so much clearer than ever. This blog has helped me to open my eyes to so much, and even though I am still learning to fix/deal with some of the issues, I am growing and becoming the strong, independent woman I was raised to be, once again!
These past few years have really hit me hard. I'm not the person I have become, and I don't really like this one either! It's amazing to me how many masks we wear to accomplish what we need to accomplish. Whether it be the mask of a new relationship, the mask of the best person for a job, the mask of a parent or spouse, and even reaching the mask of a good extended family member. What really angers me is that while we each wear a mask to fit the moment, sometimes we end up wearing them for far too long and in the end, we lose sight of the original person under that mask. I can tell you, I have worn each and every one of those masks....and for way too long.
I know in several of my blog posts, I have talked about my gypsy soul. Let me tell you, for many years now, the adventurer in me has been lost. The side of me that was able to adapt to any situation is long gone, and numbness that sets in when you can't find your way out...has been set in for more years than I want to count. The emotional pull I have been missing for so long, has virtually given up. The fears have set in and prevented me from doing so much! The pull in so many different directions, from the masks I must wear, have not only pulled me thin but caused me to be numb and utterly annoyed by almost everything. This has played into my lack of patience(which I did not have much of to start with) and my stress levels reaching out of control.
There have several issues that have not helped my stress or my need to regain a solid footing. As you all are aware, life happens and it can get very messy! Just this year, 2015, my Dad & Step Mom seperated, a friend and her husband got divorced, my Mom had a cancer scare, and on a smaller scale: we had a major water leak, our air conditioner isn't working, our finances are taking a hit with all the rain, the few people I trust to share any personal info have their own issues to deal with, and that's just the short version. None of this includes having a computer fried when the dog jump up on my daughter and caused her to dump the glass, the end of our school year for the kids which now means gathering materials for the up coming school year that begins in just a few weeks, being at a complete stop with my school work - again, because no computer and having a deadline of July 27th to finish it without having to pay extra, and a boat load of issue at home that I will not go into.
I am trying to learn how to handle everything and not shut down completely, but it's really difficult some days. I could say that I wish I had my best friend here to share coffee and solve all life's issues, and I REALLY would. I could wish for a few more patience to be able to effectively handle the stress, or more time to myself so I could sort through everything and gain some sort of perspective and all of it would be helpful. So many times I have wished for friends close enough to be my cheering section, so to speak. The kind I went through school with that were always there with encouragement when I needed it, and then I chide myself and say "you're an adult now, you shouldn't need that anymore!" Then we fall back to square one.
I look at so much, so different than every one else, especially in the area I live. I tend to fall on the conservative side, but I don't close my mind to anything. I do have a very strong opinion once I set my mind. I question everything, and then question it some more. I will read and research everything I can find too! I love to learn and grow. It causes me to kind of stand out like a sore thumb, worse than just being an outsider, being so different from the community I live in. I love the artsy side of communities, and the historical communities too, but so much of that is diminishing around me. There aren't much in the way of dance halls, art studios, community plays/musicals, or much of that nature. I believe that the lack of culture is also hindering my ability to grow from the last few years.
I have to say that my ideas of fun, adventure, date nights, and even family time are reverting to what I loved so many years ago. The problem now lies in how to fix that. Having kids has changed my outlook on a few things, but in the same sense, I dread not being able to share with them so much of what I enjoy. Going to concerts, spreading out blankets and taking a picnic; going on hikes to see amazing waterfalls, throwing blankets and pillows in the back of a truck to layout and look at the stars; being able to go out dancing and not have to dance around people that look more like fish out of water; shoot...just dancing in general. Most people that know me, know how much I have always loved to dance! Turning off the noise box(television) and singing along to the radio is one of my favorite things. I can't carry a tune in a bucket, but I love to sing. Music has always been my "happy place." If I have music on, no matter what is going on in my world, I can handle it. Just as dancing has always done, music helps ease the worry, tension and stress for me. When I don't have either, I don't have an outlet. For me, the music I listen to is my way of saying what I can't verbally put words to. As much as I love the music itself, the lyrics are just as important. I like most types of music, so when the lyrics work with the tune and my mood...it's just a win-win. However, I have a younger child that would rather listen to the noise box, even though she loves music, than a radio cranked up!
I know there are so many people suffering in our world. It's heartbreaking to see the poverty, and crime, that has seeped into society. Whether it's all the lost jobs and finances that are slowing turning our world into such chaos, or there are too many feeling entitled, I just don't know. I know it's a whole different world from what it was just 20 years ago. As I graduated high school, I can remember myself and many of my classmates, talking about such a promising future. A future we were so ready to take ahold of, and to run into the middle of and now I look at everything and wonder what happened. I know I didn't fulfill my plans, and to some degree, I do regret that, but I made a change I hoped would be for the better. I really believe that too many have become too negative. Whether we are surrounding ourselves with too many negative people, our lives have taken on a life of its own, or we just have forgotten how to stop and smell the roses...I'm not sure. For myself, I believe there are multiple factors. Too many negative people surrounding me has been a big issue, too many regrets of not fulfilling my own goals and dreams, too many things I want and need to do/go have left me feeling very restless, feeling very secluded from my own extended family has been a nightmare, and somewhere along the way...I have allowed myself to live that crazy life of being too busy just being busy!
I know for me, there are a lot of changes I need to make, and a lot of my own unfinished projects that I need to finish. I will accomplish my goals and dreams, it's just taking far longer than I had hoped. Throw in my serious ignorance with technology and it tends to keep me worked up, with not knowing how to fix anything! Fortunately, I do have my little sister that knows so, until she gets tired of me bugging her, I have a great IT person.
Even though there are days when life seems to overwhelm me, I know I will prevail. It's just relearning how to compartmentalize everything, and learning whether I want to deal with somethings or burn those bridges. It's learning and accepting that I am the way I am for a reason...but not allowing it to be used as an excuse to hold me back. It's all of the ups and downs that life has thrown at me, that have given me insight, wisdom, and compassion to grow. Not just in a physical sense but also in a mental sense. It's become at time of taking those lessons, no matter how treacherous some have been, and allowing everything to help me grow into the person I want to be again. I'm getting there, slowly but surely.
Until next time,
Salli
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