It's June 1st and just 20 days from the official start to Summer. Around here, the weather has been very temperamental. Some beautiful days but mostly rainy and cool days. A lot of the normals, as far as temperatures, has been way off. It's been a cool, wet Spring for us. Not good for gardens, that's for sure!
As I begin a new month, I am going through some of my thoughts and journals from May. There seems to be a whirlwind of thoughts I could write about, but I'm going to attempt to keep this from taking hours to read! :) Here we go!
Looking through my records for the previous month, has brought me to some serious thoughts this morning. We had a promotion party for our kids this last weekend. We always enjoy having get together's at our home. There is usually plenty of food, and bonfires. With the rainy Spring we've had, we didn't get to have a bonfire this weekend. It was disappointing for me, but I don't enjoy sitting in rain. It still feels like we left part of our party out. It was cold and rainy, but the ones that came out were good spirits and tried to enjoy themselves despite it. We got to laughing about the change in crowd for this gathering. This crowd was older, more mature and honestly...more our speed. There were not a bunch of people our age, but we still had a great time. This crowd didn't need the "party" atmosphere, they still remembered how to visit, and communicate. It was great! There weren't cell phones going off, or constant text messages or internet used. You all know how much of a pet peeve that is for me!
I spent a short time visiting with my Dad Friday before the party. I guess knowing a few more details of his life helped some, but still has me a little uneasy. I also got to see a couple of friends, also going through a divorce, Saturday. That situation also leaves me in a difficult predicament. I don't like to be put in the middle of situations, even though it seems that for whatever reason, I am put there by most people I know. Everyone turns to me when they need to talk/vent. I am glad to listen, and I will put in my two cents usually, but sometimes it's very difficult to keep my mouth filter in check. Too many times, it's easy to see situations from the outside and those that turn to me to talk, don't like the "outsider" point of view. So, even though I have plenty of thoughts of my own, I try to keep them to myself. That tends to make me bite my tongue...and let me tell you, my tongue is getting mighty sore!
I know I am not an easy person to deal with/put up with/ and sometimes even to talk with. I have very strong opinions, very strong beliefs, and very strong emotions; even if I do not ever show them. I believe in being fair, making sure that kids are treated right, and understanding that there are 2 sides to every story. However, there comes a point in time, and with every story, you have to read between the lines and see the grey area that exists. There is rarely a time that everything appears in black or white. Then when you have to read between the lines and piece together the real story, with 2 opposing stories only being one sided, it becomes pretty clear. For me, I have learned to read body language, almost too well. I can see so much more just by watching the behavior of people. Sometimes, it's really annoying to know there is so much not being said, even though I am told snippets of information. I don't make judgements, that's not my job. However, I don't like the B.S. of he said/she said, the vague blanket statements, or people who beat around the bush. To me that is just immaturity and behaving childishly.
I have struggled with keeping my mouth in check for a long time. Too many times, the thoughts that pop into my head, spill out of my mouth. The past couple of months, I have spent more time listening, and observing. You know what I have noticed? Logic and common sense, are a lost art! Too many are only looking for themselves, and they don't care who they step on or hurt along the way. Too many have taken on the attitude of being better than everyone else. Too many have forgotten how to think with their heads instead of hearts. People have placed material items, above everything else. People have forgotten how to think logically when it comes to finance, dealing with other people's emotions, and friendships have become expendable. Loyalty, logic and common sense have flown right out the window! I have struggled with keeping quiet, when I really want speak my mind. Too many of those I do speak with, are happy to tell me to mind my own business, or butt out...even though they come to me to talk. That's fine, and I will. However, when I am told about things, and being an outsider gives me an objective view, please don't get upset when I share my thoughts. If that is what is going to happen, then I would prefer not to be involved in the conversation.
I am struggling to do the right thing for myself and my family, especially when it doesn't always coincide with my beliefs. I work hard to do what is best for us as a family unit. Lately, this has included stepping back, biting my tongue and accepting that some outside opinions are going to be hurtful and even anger me. I work hard to keep our household running as smoothly as possible...which is a daily struggle. I try to keep up with our extended families, although that is not always easy, and sometimes causes more stress than I want to deal with. I get upset when I do what I feel is best only to be second guessed, but someone that doesn't know what goes on under our roof. Unfortunately, each of us has our own lives, and unless you live under the same roof, you can't know all that goes on...as much as some would like to believe otherwise. I am a stubborn person, at best, and I will withdraw from people that make me feel less of person, in a heartbeat! I can tell you, I am withdrawing from a lot of people. I can not handle those that are sucking my energy, those that are using me or those that feel superior. I am an educated, intelligent and caring person; those that truly know me know this. They know I am stubborn, opinionated, loyal, trustworthy, and will defend those that share the same qualities, to the end. However, as the saying goes, "if you are going to play games, I will show you how they are played." I don't like games, but I am competitive, and I don't like to lose!
I think starting a new month, with a full moon none-the-less, has helped me refresh my spirit. Even with a lot of B.S. going on, I am truly hopeful for a good Summer, and a good month. I am thrilled to be able to get into the garden and do some grounding work. I am excited for several projects, and possible upcoming projects too. Even with the a bit of heaviness on my heart, that I'm not sure what to make of, I know it's time for some renewal in my life. Taking time for daily yoga and exercise, still struggling to eliminate smoking from my life, refocusing on eating real foods, and getting finances back on track; I feel refreshed or rejuvenated if you will. There are many areas that will take work, and will-power, a few areas that will make me focus again, and even some areas that I have to learn to just let go of. I can't change the world, but I can change my world. I can do the best I can with what I have to work with, and relearn how to go with the flow.
With so many judgments or rumors that fly about everyone anymore, I can't help but wonder how many would stop if people focused on their lives instead of others. Instead of people readily tearing a person down, if we could just give them a hand up. Instead of everyone being busy bodies, and getting involved in lives they have no business being in, how their own life would improve. You know, it seems to me, everyone is trying to save something. Yet, those trying to save things, are the ones that have lives that need attention. All I can say is: Don't judge someone else's skeletons unless you have none in your own closet. Even if you may not agree with a life someone is living, I guarantee you are not perfect and have zero right to judge someone else!
As I begin this month, and refocusing on what I need and want for my life, I am changing what I need to. I am changing my focus and ignoring the outside noise of opinion that don't matter. I am really good at keeping my family first, and they will continue to come first. Everyone outside of my home, will fall in behind. I have let a lot of my wants and needs fall by the wayside, and have allowed negative attitudes affect me too much. I am me in all the good, bad and ugly. If you want to be around me, you have to accept all of me.
I have heard so many times over the last few days, "it is what it is." I have said this as a blanket statement to keep my opinions to myself. Honestly, when I have said this, it's usually to hide my own opinions or emotions. It's usually a way to avoid a confrontation, argument, or to keep a conflicting opinion to myself. I absolutely hate that phrase...with a passion! It is such a stupid phrase that basically says, yep there's an issue, and even though you know about it, I don't want to tell you anymore. It's a pathetic excuse to get a pity party. I am guilty of using it, but I can't count how many times I heard that phrase the last 4 days. Rather than spilling the story, or speaking real thoughts; this phrase comes up. "It is what it is," I want to tell you part of the story but not all of it. I want you know about story, but I am not going to tell you all the story. It seems to be a crutch that is used to mask over the complete story, the real emotion, and yet they want you to at least get part of the story. I have heard this phrase, and cringe at it. Then you get part of the story, only to be an outsider and see how others are manipulating different situations. It's becoming more difficult to keep my thoughts to myself on a few that I am seeing.
Watching our garden come alive so far, I am finding a sense of completeness, that I haven't felt for awhile. I am seeing the work and designing I spent months working on, come to fruition. Seeds have popped up through the dirt, plants have tripled in size, and the effort to condense 3 gardens into 1; has worked...sort of. For me, working the layout of the garden, planning for seeds and plants, and then actually making the hills, planting seeds and plants; that is a labor of love for me. I know that by working with the garden, I am doing what I can to make sure my family is getting the best food possible. It's also a leap of faith, having to depend on Mother Nature and learning how to work with soil types; it's fascinating. It's also frustrating. It's difficult to know the best time to start planting, to avoid frost. It's difficult to have to keep the weeds from taking over, and the hours of preserving is nothing short of work. However, in the middle of Winter, when you pull a jar from the pantry or a bag from the freezer, the work pays off. It's those hours of work and sweat, those days of digging dirt from under my nails, the multiple sunburns from spending days in the garden weeding, the hours of washing and sterilizing the jars; it's a true labor of love, a full-time job for part of the year, and for me, it's a time of connecting with the earth and allowing my own electromagnetic field to be re-energized through grounding. Gardening is good for the mind, body and spirit.
Last week, I spent some time out and about. This is not a usual thing for me. Usually, I get out long enough to get groceries once or twice a month and the rest of the time I am home. Last week, I was actually out, twice. I went to the town we used to live in for the first time in months. I was kind of amazed how a few things had changed. Then a trip to our regular grocery store the next day, in a different town. My regular grocery trip, I was actually alone, for the first time in a long time. I kept the radio off, and rather enjoyed the quiet. I was able to drive and still see how beautiful the area we live in, really is. Seeing quail running on the side of the road, rabbits zig-zagging all over, wetland areas full of ducks and geese, and actually seeing the trees all leaved out. Driving to the store, I decided to take back roads, I don't normally. Even though I ended up having to take a detour because of a road closure, I saw some magnificent sights. The peaceful trip, the sights, and even the shopping experience wasn't as bad as normal. I had to actually slow down, taking the back roads. I had to pay attention and be present in my trip. I let go of anxiety that was getting under my skin and just be.
It's hay season in our neck of the woods again. That means long nights, lots of equipment shuffled around, mowing, raking, baling, and attempting to sell the extra bales we won't need. In my mind, it's a headache and a cluster. You put in the time to check hay throughout May, then you have the mowing, letting it dry, raking, the cost of fuel for the tractors, the twine/net wrap for the bales, baling, and then the headache of selling off the excess. Last year, we had about 60 bales of excess. In my mind, if you know you will need hay for the Winter, it makes more sense to plan ahead. However, too many have neglected to think about the time and money that goes into it, and think they can buy hay for little of nothing. Last year, rather than sell our excess for the $20-$25 a bale that the auction was getting, we sat on in, thinking that maybe one of our neighbors would need it. Total waste of time, money, effort, and space! This year, we contacted a hay broker. Talk about a cluster! For those who don't know, for us, having hay that we put up ourselves, costs about $20 per bale. That is time, the twine to wrap it, the fuel and maintenance. So for us to turn around and sell hay for $25 per bale, just barely gives us any profit to put forward to maintaining our equipment let alone to upgrade equipment. I suppose if we had hundreds of acres, it may make a difference, but we don't. By not being able to sell last years excess, that knocked out a chunk of profit that, normally would have helped recover other expenses on our little farm. The idea of a hay broker, was to cut out some expense of haying, while still being able to maintain some profit to our farm. However, when I started thinking about their terms, it kind of riled me a bit. We still had to mow and rake our hay, then HIRE someone to come in with a big square baler at our expense, and then the broker would pay us per ton of hay. Here's the kicker though. It had to be mowed today, and baled before it got wet, or the already pathetic price was dropped more. With our wet Spring, everything is still wet. The ground, the hay, EVERYTHING. To go out and mow, rake and bale, right now; would rut up the hay ground. Not to mention having to make sure whomever we had hired to come out and bale would be here before it rained actually got here. If not, and we had to take the lower amount per bale, our profit would be exactly what it would be if we sold it at an auction for $25-$30 per bale. It's a headache, I tell ya!
This whole farm life thing, while I love most of it, some of it just sends me into instant anxiety! When you can see your profit window, cutting into the whole of the farm and expenses, it's frustrating. For me, I don't like the not knowing what I have to work with. I like having a plan, knowing what our finances will look like - has not been an easy task since we began this adventure. I don't like juggling finances when markets fluctuate, or as in last year, when we can't eliminate excess to cover the basic financial needs of the farm. I am a notorious planner/list maker. I can not feel organized when so much is up in the air. It is a constant effort for me just to make our regular finances work, before having to throw in any overages of the farm. We you have a small farm, it's a constant battle to stay afloat. It becomes a constant battle of creative budgeting, juggling life to make it all work, and for me - stressing over making everything work, and the anxiety of attempting to make the best choices. I have, admittedly, made some poor choices and am still trying to learn the ropes. I have struggled to try to understand how everything works, and make sense of many areas in my own mind. Sometimes, I think I would like to start fresh, a do-over. Have a chance to make better decisions, and choices so that it would not be such a juggling act. However, I can't do that, so I am learning on the fly. Making mistakes, and dealing with the consequences as I have to, trying to learn everything I can without having too many more mistakes. I know there are some out there who farm, and I hear on a regular basis, that I have to learn to deal with the ups and downs of farm life. That's swell. I am learning, but in my mind, I have to find logic or it will never make sense.
I love our life, even if regularly full of anxiety for me. I am trying to learn the ebb and flow of the livestock markets, hay markets, and Mother Nature's serious bi-polar condition. I have spent almost 16 years now, learning about country life in Northern Missouri. I have made changes to fit into this life, to learn areas that go against everything I ever knew, and I have given up more of myself than anyone will ever know. I've adjusted, the best I can to areas of our life that are not where I want them to be, or areas that have been thrown in my lap. I have accepted that my place is being a mom, wife, teacher, counselor, naturalist, and being there to support other hopes, dreams, and desires. I have accepted that my beliefs are a lot different than most, and because of that I will always be looked down upon. I have also accepted that there are times that no matter what you do, it will never be good enough or accepted.
I suppose I will use the blanket approach, it is what it is. I do what I can, and that's all I can do. I can't force anyone to respect me, I can't force anyone to see things from point of view, and I can't expect anyone else to understand or accept how my life has to work. I don't want deal with a bunch of bull, I don't deal with liars, thieves or cheats. I don't want a bunch of drama thrown into my life, let alone to hear about it. I like logic, honesty, loyalty, respect, and caring in my world. I give it, and I want it in return.
I will end this coffee chat here. I am a little too frustrated to keep going today.
~S~
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