This is a unique blog post. A combination of coffee chat and some of my musings this morning. Grab some coffee and enjoy this blog!
Many of my family and friends know or were affected by the severe weather on June 22nd. My hometown was hit with a high end EF3 tornado. This came just 19 months after another tornado destroyed parts of the town in November 2013. So many family and friends were affected by both tornadoes and it's heart breaking to see the photos and all the destruction. Fortunately no lives were lost in these weather events, but so much property was. I know property can be replaced/rebuilt, but it's still devastating to see and I can't imagine how they all feel. Seeing your entire life changed and uprooted in mere moments has to be especially hard to swallow. My heart and thoughts go out to my hometown and all the members of that extraordinary community! For those who wish to help, here is the information from the village itself:
As with life, it continues to move forward. Even with all the mess, destruction and chaos going on in my hometown, my life here still keeps moving. With life here always so busy, now is the time of year that seems to be completely chaotic and always a little more stressful. This year, has been even more so. Our weather here has been a huge thorn under my saddle. It has been rainy for the better part of 2 months now, and it's been large amounts of rain. I'm talking no less than an inch at a time and as much as 3. It's currently raining and storming as I type this. Normal years, we bale hay around Memorial Day weekend. Then we can usually get sold what we don't need by the end of June. This year, we can't even get into the hay fields since everything is so wet. We have water standing everywhere. So, the finances we typically have for farm expenses are nonexistent right now. Not to mention the hogs we normally sell off to replace with younger hogs, where the markets have tanked considerably. So far, we are scraping by, but that won't be the case before too long if this keeps up. The weather tends to play such a big part of life on a small farm, especially. We don't have the luxury of alternate income opportunities that the large farms have. So, it causes some major hits to the pocket book when Mother Nature has a severe case of PMS!
Even with the horrible financial end of things from all the rain, a few things are happening. I say a few, and kind of laugh, because there's always a million things all going on at the same time here. The biggest event for me, has been a shift in my attitude and how I am dealing with emotions. This has been a weird progression for me. The past 2 months have been getting a little easier for me to understand some of the emotional crap I deal with. Even though some of them have caused me tears, I'm gradually accepting some of things that I can't change. With that knowledge and acceptance, has come a little more peace of mind all the time. Each issue I deal with, and each one I accept, is one less issue to stress over or dwell on. I am a solver, an analyzer, so to speak. I want to solve the problem, find an answer and fix it. What I have had to accept is that not everything can be fixed. Some things are beyond my control, which is unnerving to me, but is true. For years, I have needed my life to fit into a neat, tidy little box with no holes to allow what I can't control in. What I have figured out, is that that tiny little box is not possible. There are too many variables, too many contingency plays in motion, and too many alternatives possible to continue in my boxed in little world. For someone who is a major control freak, and needs some sort of structure; this throws a major hitch in my life. Between emotions running amok, too many plan "B's" to count, Mother Nature needing some serious PMS medicine, extended family issues, friendships that have been left behind, and my desire to reclaim my free spirited attitude; this has been a very trying time. Each year that has passed, as I have gotten older, has brought with it new revelations. Some of them, I'm not certain I believe but they are always in the back of my mind anyway. Some have been shocking, but not really all that unexpected. Some have been so difficult to swallow, that they have taken my breath away. Don't get me wrong, there is so much of my life that I am truly blessed with. So many people and things that I have to be grateful for, and am! I count my blessings everyday for those! The areas that I write about are the ones that give me stress. However, while I am writing about some of them, I am coming to some amazing conclusions, some eye opening realizations, and some of the most powerful relief I have felt in years! Sometimes, life just feels like it sucks. We all have bad days, when no matter what you touch turns to dust. It happens...we don't have much control over it. Yes, this is coming from her royal control freak highness! This does not mean that our lives are bad, or the people in our lives are bad. It means that we are supposed to be learning, growing, evolving and accepting the lessons trying to be taught to us. After being boxed in for a few years now, some of this is a little scary and a little unnerving too.
I spent so many years as more of a free spirit. I didn't put down roots for a purpose. Feeling as though I was tied to one place, was too limiting for me. I wanted to see it all and do it all. I didn't need much in the way of material stuff. Still don't! However, so much of myself has been changed over the past 17 years. 17 years ago, most of what I owned fit in the Dodge Omni I had at the time. I had no problem packing up and moving 6 hours from my family and friends, to start over. It was a new adventure, even if it was a bit trying sometimes. In just a couple of days, it will be 16 years since I got married. Marriage to me was a no-no! I knew I didn't want to plant roots anywhere. However, the right person at the right time, and here I am. I'm still not much of an advocate for marriage. I married a man who was a roots type of person. He grew up in the areas we lived in, born and raised right here in Northeast Missouri. There is nothing wrong with that, but proved to be challenging in the early years of our marriage. Then came our kids. Now, you have marriage and kids, and that immediately constitutes finding roots...at least in this area. Even for me, as the kids got older, I started thinking about how wonderful it would be for them to have a home they could grow in, and come back to once they were independent adults. I bought into the American Dream. After moving around while they were little, nearly 4 years ago we bought our first house. While the circumstances were less than ideal, we had a place to finish raising our kids. We could teach them everything their Dad had grown up knowing and doing. What this town kid, from another state and completely different upbringing, didn't understand was how different our lives had been. I knew they were different, but the extreme to which, was blindsiding. I'm still learning, and there are days I want to run back to a city but they are few and far between. Learning to live on even a small farm can be overwhelming for someone that did not grow up that way! For me, it can get overwhelming, stressful and to some degree even resentful. While the initial excitement has long since worn off, the lessons are free-flowing every day. As a once avid hiker, I have so much room, I could hike for a long time, but there isn't time for that anymore. There are plenty of adventures that could be taken, but again, time doesn't allow. You all have read about my uncanny list making. Without them, I would never accomplish anything! However, one list that I always keep in my journal is my pro/con list for everything I do. I have made these types of lists since I was a kid. Anything that weighs on my mind, gets a pro/con list. Sometimes, it's out-of-hand! I know. However, it's what helps me keep a clear prospective on everything. It's those pro/con lists that made the decision clearer to move to Missouri, to get married, to stay married when it would have been so easy to walk away, and even to purchase our home and on every subject before and after. Weighing the good and bad of every issue, for me, has helped me gain some major insight during the past few years. It's helped me to accept what I didn't understand, it's helped me to remove emotions and look at the grander pictures. Yes, there are plenty of pro/con lists, and I'm certain there will be many more in the years to come, but they help me. Just a writing in my journals and blog help, my lists do too. You would be amazed at the number of journals I have filled through the years.
As I mentioned earlier, we are just 2 days away from celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary. Some days it's hard to believe it's been 16 years already, and others it feels like a hundred years! :-) I know most married couples feel the same way! We have had more than our share of issues. We have had some extraordinary times, and some of the worst times I can remember. After this year starting out on such an obnoxious run of divorces, with people we know or are related to, we kind of laughed that we really did need to "celebrate" because we are still married. There have been a lot of years that we have forgotten our anniversary. However, our 10th Anniversary, we spent 4 days, just the 2 of us, at Chicagoland Speedway and we had fun. Despite the bad weather that came through while we were there. Now this year, we have plans again, just an over night trip this time. I will tell you more about that in a bit. Each year, it seems we manage to escape some trivial issue or another and each year, it feels like we a managed to barely squeak through. Many times, it's issues that are beyond our control, or issues neither of us know how to fix. The first 7-8 years were bad. I'm talking REALLY bad years. Since then, each year has gotten a little better. Over the past 9 years, we have managed to build a relationship that is better than what we started with. We have become each others sounding boards, friend, and partner in life. There isn't too much we don't talk about or share. We have similar hopes and dreams for our lives, and actually enjoy each others company. Even though we have different communication styles, we have managed to find a middle ground to conversations. I know in every relationship, it takes two to make or break it. I am a handful at best, and completely a royal pain at worst! He had his hands full to start with when we went into this relationship, and that hasn't changed through the years! While we have teased each other that no one else would put up with the other one, to some degree it's true for me. I am as stubborn as a mule, have been as independent as they come. I am not a trusting person and have walls around me so thick that I don't know that anyone will ever get completely through. I am not one to settle for less than what I feel I deserve...though I have many times. More times than not, I am pretty cold and untouchable. While the coldness is lessening over the years, sometimes it still rears it's ugly head. Usually at the most inappropriate times! The past few years, going this some major emotional turmoil, has caused me to be the type of person I usually can't handle...overly emotional! I despise feeling useless, not knowing something I should, feeling inadequate, and helpless. When I start feeling those things, the inner bitch comes out. Fortunately, he has tolerated it and been beside me while I have cried, or been so angry I couldn't see straight. Through the years, I have had a whole lot of adjustments to overcome. Even in the early years, he believed I would be able to do it, and I have. I have learned so much, some of it begrudgingly, but I have learned. I have accepted the lifestyle he grew up with, and for the most part, I love it too. I continue to learn and grow in our marriage and in our lives. Honestly, even the hell we have been through, I am where I want to be. I love the life we have built. Sure, it has plenty of variables that drive me crazy, but constants are what keep me grounded. The day to day life we have, gets monotonous, and sometimes grueling, but the security of having a home for our children to grow up in and our little farm that allows them so many opportunities to grow, learn and experience is worth more than any measurement. As we take our journey through another year, it's remarkable to think about the possibilities. The few issues we still face will come together, and the plans we have for the future will happen without doubt. It's all a matter of working together on every issue, finding what caused the issue and fixing it, and leaving guilt trips/blame/finger pointing out of the equations. Since I know he reads these blogs: " Honey, you have stood beside me through the last few years in all the turmoil I have faced. You have supported my decisions and we have been a united front for obstacles. I know you roll your eyes when I write what I can't find any other way to express but you never fail to read it and even when I am having difficulty expressing my thoughts, you are patient while I try! You have never told me I couldn't do anything and have supported the things I have needed to do, without fail. You have given me a different look at life, even when I have thrown a fit the whole time. You push me when I need to be pushed, and you support me when I am floundering for the right fix. Even when I have a bad day or week, you never fail to just hang on tight until I come through the other side. With everything we have already dealt with this year, you just keep standing firm as my support, venting post and even my crutch when I can't stand on my own. While we are celebrating our anniversary, I am also celebrating all the years we've had together. You and I have created a fine life, even when it's been difficult. We have 2 amazing kids(even when they make us crazy), a stable relationship to teach them how to treat others and what to look for in their future relationships, we have a home and farm that we work so hard to constantly make better, YOU have given us security and guidance in the paths we have chosen. Even when we have our own troubles, the respect we have for each other speaks volumes. Thank you! I love you!"
We are taking an overnight trip this year to celebrate our anniversary. It's exciting for me on several levels. First is because my husband got us VIP tickets to see Jimmy Buffett in concert. This concert is on my bucket list for concerts I have always wanted to see. While the music is a combination of island/country, the music combined with the atmosphere is what makes this concert an amazing experience! With these tickets, we have VIP club access and great seats! So the experience should be beyond my wildest dreams! Second, the drive to and from the concert, and actual time away from our lives will allow some definite couple bonding time. Honestly, some of our most productive conversations happen while we are driving. Time like this, will allow us to have real conversations without little ears trying to weigh in. It's this kind of uninterrupted quality time that I crave! Third, not only will be have several hours of just couple time, and the real conversations, we will have time away from home that is helping my free spirit feel alive again. Living on a small farm, with chores twice a day, 3 meals a day, housework, schoolwork, and more unexpected issues than I could shake a stick at; causes a serious restlessness in my soul. I love our lives but my monthly grocery trips, just don't do much to settle the ache of needing to run free sometimes. For me, needing to run occasionally bites me in the ass. That need to not settle has also risen on occasion to bite me. Could I do more and be me? Of course, we all could. Should we? Probably but it depends on the "more" you are talking about. For me, I have a solid foundation to build upon. I have a generalized understanding of what I need to do and a list of what I want to do. The biggest play though is doing what is best and what you want at the time. I am a firm believer that nothing lasts forever. However, the choices we make today need to be the ones we want to make right now. Yes, we do need to consider the future, somewhat, but we aren't guaranteed a future. We are guaranteed this exact moment in time. I am in my moment. I am making my decisions today, for today, my moment of guarantee. What happens tomorrow, next year or 10 years from now will be dealt with tomorrow, next year or 10 years now. We can only make decisions based on right now; what we feel, want, need or choose for the moment!
More coffee chat. I am genuinely excited and feeling like I have broke free from most of the darkness I have experienced the last few years. Almost a week ago, I made the committment to take on my first ever 5K. No, I have zero plans to actually run it! However, even walking it is exciting! I have done minimal exercise since my daughter was born 6 years ago. I have been a smoker for years and every new stress caused me to smoke more. I have battled with my body and self image for as long as I can remember and the past 3 years have done nothing but hurt my self-esteem. So to make this commitment that seems so minimal to a lot, is a huge deal for me. It is pushing me to exercise again: since it's been rainy and muddy, I have been using my ankle weights for 6 hours a day in all my regular activities. It's pushing me to finally kick the smoking habit. Although I have not been able to completely break free from it, I am smoking less than half what I was. By taking on this 5K, it means I am going to have to invest in a few things I need to not only walk it but to do so with what I need. It's pushing me to see that I still have the will power I was so proud of, but it's just been buried for a while. I actually put on a skirt over the weekend and felt good wearing it. For those who don't know, for years I battled to stay small in size. I didn't ever want to be fat. I was terrified that if I didn't stay at a certain weight, I would be teased, or would lose the petite frame I have. I exercised, ate minimally, and even battled a bout of Bulimia. This was still affecting me when I got pregnant with my oldest child. Even though I really took being able to eat what I wanted to heart during my pregnancy(I gained 83 lbs!) I worked my tail off afterward to be back down to my original weight within 6 weeks. I had it in my head that I could never get over 110 lbs, or I was fat. I didn't like my body, it seemed so preadolescent for so many years. I always heard the phrase, "straight as a board that has never been nailed," when referring to me. So that was taken to heart and stuck with me. By the time I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd child, I had quit smoking, was exercising daily again, eating only raw foods, and was feeling great about myself. Then the news of my youngest, threw me for a loop. It was not expected, and wasn't supposed to be able to happen. It sent me into a whirlwind, that I believe I am just now coming out of. I only gained 45 lbs. with her, but after having her...I quit everything. I quit exercising, worrying about my weight, I started smoking again, and really didn't care what I looked like. Anytime you have dealt with an eating disorder, it messes with your entire body. Although it's better now, I still struggle with stomach issues today that were caused from a year of vomiting. Even though the strength of being comfortable in my own body is still a roller coaster, it's better. I have begun exercising again, not only to train for this 5K but to tone up - NOT to lose weight. I don't keep a scale in my house anymore. Weight, to me now, is just a number. I didn't have mirrors up in my home for many years. I still don't have many. My thoughts are, as long as I feel good, it doesn't matter how others see me. I am still working through some of the self-esteem issues but I'm on my way, and not giving up.
The past week has been a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. So much is looking positive, that even the few negatives don't look quite so bad. I am finding that some of the things I quit doing, were actually things that I truly enjoy doing. One area that was such a horrible reminder of my own shortcomings last year, is already providing reprieve this year...my garden. Even through all the rain since I planted it, I have gotten radishes, onions, a bell pepper, 2 jalapeno peppers, 2 zucchini and a 5 gallon bucket of green beans...so far. The garden looks amazing this year. We have been able to keep the weeds at bay so far, the plants are growing and producing fruits/vegetables, even if not fully ready. I love being in the garden, digging in the dirt, and watching my labor of love come to fruition! You've heard the phrase, "the way to a mans heart is through his stomach," but I have a bit of a different take on that. Even though I occasionally balk at all the time I spend cooking, I believe that that exact act is an act of love for our families. We cook and bake meals, even when we don't really want to, out of love for those we love. Yes, it would be nice not to have to cook 3 meals a day, and do dishes 3 times a day, but the meals I make for my family; I make because I love them. I want to nourish their bodies with the best possible food. I want to provide treats for them that they are excited for, and share with their friends. It's such a reward for me when one of the kids friends, or my husbands co-workers tell them or me, how good something was that I made. It's a huge ego lift!
Now, I want to take a few minutes to talk about an area that has affected me directly on many different fronts. This area is negative people and outlooks. Negative people, when there are too many of them, will pull you down! Been there, done that...more times than I care to count! Negativity seems to be a major part of our society anymore. In my opiniion, some of it is caused from from people settling for quick fixes. I'm sure some of it comes from financial hardships/job loss and feeling there is no way out of current circumstances. What I have dealt with in those areas, it's sometimes hard to look for the silver lining when it feels like the world is crashing at your feet. However, what I am learning is that, when you feel that overwhelmed, you have to remove your emotions and look at from an outside perspective. This really goes with negative people and circumstances. Negative people can't always be removed from your life, but you can limit the amount of exposure you have with them. The same goes for circumstances. Yes, there are times when finances get so tight you are playing beat the bank, and you lose; or you neglected to see the signs for a job that has lost. Then there are things you can't really prepare for, such as the tornado outbreaks. When situations outside your control happen, you have to just accept them, find a plan to fix them and move on. Even some of our best laid plans will make matters worse. It happens. I have been told there are 26 letters in the alphabet, so there's always a new plan waiting in the wings. When negativity seems to over run you, and situations or circumstances have you over a barrel; you need to face them, make a plan, institute it, and move forward! Dwelling on a issue, or simply reacting as issues arise will not solve anything. Take a little time to accept the issue, figure out a way to fix it, put your plan in motion, alter it if it doesn't work out, and keeping going. Yes, issue can be frustrating, they can be overwhelming, and they will make you want to pull your hair out, but they do not have to continue dragging you down. Negative people are a little more touchy. Whether you have friends that are energy suckers or family; sometimes eliminating them from your life is not an option. However, limiting your contact is! If you have people that just drain your energy every time you are around them; those are energy suckers. Those are the people that bitch if their ice cream is cold or their soup is hot! These are the people that can't see their own blessings through their own self-pity. Some don't know they are such a dark presence, some don't know how to be any other way, and some it wouldn't matter if they got everything they wanted or not...they would just be negative. No matter when you encounter them, you will encounter negative people in your journey through life. If you are an emotionally strong enough person, these types of people will just be a blip on your radar. If your emotional strength waivers at all, some of these types of people will infiltrate your persona and drag you down with them. Since eliminating negative people from your life is all but impossible, you must learn to see them for what they, you must accept that any time you spend with them is going to drain your energy, and it's up to you how much of your energy you will spend on them. Limiting your time with negative people isn't mean or doesn't make you a bad person; it makes you a person that respects your own needs. It makes you a person that values your own worth, your own limits and your own needs above anyone or anything else!
I am venturing into a new and exciting time for myself. I am accepting my body image as it is. I am working to tone up my body, but I am not worried about my weight. I am learning to appreciate the body I have - flaws and all! I am counting my blessings each and every day, even though I'm not sure even I can count that high! I know there are issues to deal with and ones that will come but they are not going to determine my worth. They are not going to undermine the value I bring into our home, marriage or life. My own past is unchangeable, but I am learning to accept and grow from it still today. Negativity will only take me as low as I am willing to allow it to take me. Negative people will be on limited time frames in my life. Situations beyond my control will dealt with the best way I know how, and I will fix what I can but what I can't I am not going to stress over. Yes, I will want to fix everything immediately and then move on but if I can't, I will deal with it. I am accepting that there are things I am not capable of, but I will never stop trying to everything I can do! I am stepping out of my comfort zone a little more often and am making more time for myself as well. I am allowing myself permission to say "no," without reason and also to say "yes!" I am allowing myself time to deal with emotions as they come up, but not allowing myself to dwell on them. I know there will be issues that come up that will cause a set back for me, and that's ok. Those are the times that I will remind myself that it's time to fix them, so they don't arise again. I have accepted that I will never be good enough or do what some expect me to do; but that is their problem not mine. I am enough, I will always do what I feel is best even if it makes no sense to anyone else, and I don't need to make anyone proud of me but ME! I am returning to my mantra, "take me as I am, or don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out."
Stronger, than I have been in years!
~Salli~
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