The hamster wheel of life

It's amazing to me how life can have so many possibilities, yet be stagnant at the same time. Have you every met and talked to some people, only to find that their personality hadn't changed much from many years ago? Or talked to someone only to feel like you've been drug down a rabbit hole, and you are waiting for some crazy type of creature to jump out yelling "you've been punked?" Speaking to people you've known for many years, yet you come to the realization that you really don't know them at all.

Life, as I see it, is full of amazing ups and some pretty drastic drops. When you take time to slow down enough, you see some amazing colors, rich cultures, and some spectacular views. You find some amazing people, and even if they are not meant to stay in your life, they are meant to show you something remarkable. You know the phrase: Friends for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you slow down just a little, you tend to see more beauty in the simple things, the simple expressions, and less in the material rhelm.

In my own life, I began slowing down some 18 years ago, when I moved to Missouri. Although I had some time of "sowing my wild oats," life was slower by nature. Then when I had kids, life slowed down again. I began seeming life through the eyes of my oldest, and then again with my youngest. Life took on a different meaning for me. Instead of feeling like I couldn't succeed without a high profile career, or a busy social life; life meant bedtime stories, playing basketball, playing on the swing set, putting together puzzles, or playing board games. Having a social life away from home, seemed pointless. Having a career again, would be nice, but would also take away from these 2 amazing little people that continually show me what's really important in life.

These last few years, I have felt like I was on that hamster wheel again - busy life, busy social life, studying like crazy, trying to make time for absolutely everything under the sun. I felt like I did when I left my life in Illinois to start over. Feeling like you are constantly chasing after the non-existent carrot on a string, running after it for all you are worth, and never catching it. Finding absolutely every flaw imaginable, and degrading yourself for every mistake; it brings you to an overwhelming low. Then there are those that are more than happy to pick you apart, shred every belief you have, and pick apart the life you have worked so hard to build. Even though they don't have a clue what has gone into the life you have built, and they don't have their own life in order. So many are happy to judge by what little they see on the surface. They don't take into account what has led to where you are in life.

For me, I packed up a life that I had grown up in. Loaded whatever would fit into a Dodge Omni, and took off! I was tired of games and the he said/she said crap. Even though it meant leaving behind a great relationship, it was overwhelming pressure of family, that had me looking for a fresh start and a place that no one new me. It had me pushing for a life that was my own. One that I could build, one that people would come to know me and accept me for me, and a place I could grow to become so much more than I ever was prior. For the first 2 years after I moved, my life was my own. No one knew what I was doing, no one was telling me how to run my life or what was or was not acceptable. I had to make choices and deal with consequences. Even when money got tight, I was exhausted from working and going to college, or the few times I got a little home sick; it was my life. I learned to love my own company, I worked hard, studied hard and yes, even played hard. I didn't have everything together, I was only 23/24 years old. I was enjoying life and learning from the rough spots. I eventually dated, but that was not ever a high priority during that time. I was trying to find myself. I did to some degree, but then things changed again. After a couple years, finishing college, and feeling ready to settle down; I was packed and ready to head back to my hometown. The night before I was to leave, I agreed to meet my now husband, for coffee after my shift. After talking until almost 5 the next morning, I decided to stay and see where it went. We had a lot in common, he was easy to talk to and seemed genuine. Fast forward, and 23 away from 16 years of marriage, multiple changes in both of us, 2 kids, and too many roller coaster dips and dives to count, and here I am.

What I did not know years ago, was that so many emotional times in 23 years I spent in my hometown, that were not dealt with, would be coming back to haunt me. Instead of dealing with many issues, I swept them under the rug for years, or neglected to handle them. I walked away from the issues when I left Illinois, thinking that they would just go away. That I could outrun them, I guess. I would never guess that they would come back up years later, that the overwhelming emotions from all those years ago would affect me more now than they did then. However, just as I did not deal with the issues of my life in Illinois, there have been issues in my life in Missouri that I have swept under the rug or chosen not to deal with. With so much unresolved, I have spent nearly 3 years in a daily struggle to do what is necessary and right, try not to take my own anger and resentments out on everyone, and to live the life I chose to the fullest. It becomes a daily struggle to just get through the day, let alone to do it without tears. When I left Illinois, I left behind all my family and friends that I had known forever. I left behind the only life style I had ever known. Yes, I built a life for myself in Missouri, but then I married a guy from here and had to start all over with a new life again. One that was so far removed from anything I had ever known, it sent my head spinning like a top!

I have spent so many years in a constant struggle for identity, that I don't know where to start now. I have melded into what I have thought was acceptable, what seemed to be the role I was expected to play, or one that would not embarrass my husband or kids. Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of who I was. Who I wanted to be, and became who I was expected to be. Now, 6 months after my 40th birthday, I am trying to find the real me again. I am trying to push aside the expectations and allow my own personality to flow again. I have so many areas that interest me, so many that hold my attention for a while, and some that are just a moment of interest. I have always been proud of my academic achievements. I finished high school with decent grades, graduated college with a degree, have since gone on to get a certificate, and working toward another. I have always loved history, science, and architecture. I can sit and draw floor plans or furniture plans in no time. Biology, marine biology, meta physics, quantum physics, astrology, astronomy and theology have always fascinated me, and I read and study everything I can! History is fascinating, as so many times throughout history...it's been repeated. History is such a broad subject of people, places and things. The history behind so many things and places, have never failed to catch my attention. With so much knowledge, so many interests, and so few with the same understanding; it has caused me to withdraw and feel like I must lower my conversations for some to understand. After doing this for so long, my ability to effectively communicate anymore is slipping away. I can carry on a conversation but to explain to some one that doesn't have a clue what I am talking about, is nearly impossible. Not to mention, those that are stuck in one train of thought and aren't willing to learn anything different. It's frustrating at best, and spirit sucking at worst.

I have caught myself asking my daughter: "why must you put on good clothes/shoes when we are going to be outside working." I have even given her static about being so "girlie." You know, I think if I listened to her, I would be much better off! Her thoughts are she's going to do what she has to and wants to, but she's going to look good and feel good while doing it! This theory, goes right along with the theory I used to have. Always get up, dress up, show up and have fun doing whatever you are doing. If you aren't having fun, you are doing the wrong thing. Maybe I need to pay more attention to my 6 year old's theory of life. A little girl with so much energy, a willing smile that lights up a room, and eyes that catch even the smallest of details. She's my little sponge!

There was a time in my life that I wouldn't leave the house without dressing nice, having my hair and makeup done to perfection, and I would enjoy whatever I was doing. Now, I never wear makeup anymore, my hair...HA! It gets piled on my head, and getting dressed up consists of second hand jeans covered in paint or stain, a garage sale shirt also covered in paint or stain, and occasionally, putting in earrings. Enjoying whatever I am doing now...is not as likely. Too much of my life now seems to be draining. It's become a constant battle of doing what I love, or paying bills. It's spending 95% of my life on 25 acres of ground, pushing my kids to do their chores - hoping they do them well enough, trying to teach them to love learning and not to fear questioning everything, struggling to find that is just for me to refuel and be able to keep going, being supportive of the hopes and dreams of my family - while pushing mine further to the back burner, and trying to find a peace of mind that will allow me to keep growing as person, without pushing everyone away. I love my life, but it too has become a hamster wheel of chasing that invisible carrot. There is so much I love about my life, but there are also the areas that keep me feeling upended. I know if I could conquer the old issues and finally let them go, it would make a big difference, but I'm not sure how to do that. I'm not sure how to push forward, burn bridges and not regret it later. I want to be around more people that I don't have to "dumb down," my conversation so they can understand it. I talk to my husband, and my best friend, but beyond that...I don't want to make anyone feel bad for not knowing what on earth I am talking about, but I don't want to have to explain every single point. I want to be around people that happy, intelligent, thought provoking and fun. However, so many seem to be stuck on this hamster wheel. So many sugar coat what they say, or beat around the bush, and so many are wearing blinders to anything outside the current rhelm of knowledge. They don't want to know any different, aren't willing to accept that there is something new or different, and they are more than happy to belittle you for your thoughts and beliefs instead of trying to understand what led you there. It seems like a culture that has given up learning, and trying to find something more; it's easier for some to just go with whatever mainstream tells them.

While I willingly admit there is A LOT that I do not know, it does not change what I do know. It does not take away the fact that I am willing to learn, even eager to learn. I am not afraid to question what doesn't make sense to me, I'm not afraid to research and change my opinion if real research proves my thoughts are wrong. I am not opposed to looking to history, or to alternatives for answers. I have looked for answers to thoughts, and found that my research leads to so much information I could not have guessed. I have had health issues, as have my whole family, that we have been able to control without prescriptions. After prescriptions failed to work, a change in diet and learning the triggers for each issue, we learned how to fix the problems. Having a wide range of health concerns within my family, it required learning a new way of life, it required understanding that modern medicine has a place but so does holistic health, it required accepting that there would be times for both. What I did not understand was how or why it would cause such a ruckus! Either way, we do what we need to for our family.

I'm learning so much from the life I live now. The old ways, the modern ways, the ways that work and the ones that don't. I have learned about equine, livestock, soil type, chemical use, organic soil preservation, how to fence, husbandry, gestation dates for all the animals, and even some of the not so good aspects - animal death, diseases of different animals, wildlife feasting on livestock, being rooted to the farm to care for animals even when there are other things you want to do, and of course, Mother Nature's ebb and flow. While there are some modern means that work fairly well, there are a lot of the antique ways that are still the tried and true. While there are many that feel the need to keep up with others, with the newest technology, or the biggest tractors; there are just as many that are stuck in a past that may work, or are the antique ways that are no longer a viable option, or are not willing to try anything newer. While I prefer not to use chemicals on our garden or in our animal feeds, there are plenty that find fault with that. I know that living 100% "organic," is not possible in today's world, but there is absolutely no reason I can think of not to do as much as I can to avoid as many chemicals as possible! There is no reason I can think of to not want the best for my family, that I can give them.

I have a constant need for education, learning, and expanding my mind to possibilities that seem impossible. There is so much research available, so many theories that have caught my attention, and the real science from independent research is amazing! In the United States, it seems that we have so many taboo subjects. When I have been researching, so much of the most beneficial research has come from the UK, Japan, France and Germany. Places that seem to accept a coexistence of the old and new ways, places that are not powered by corporate research but the real science of independent scientists that are willing to explore and expand on knowledge. Science is truly an amazing thing when it's done without bias, and reported with real and accurate results.

I am trying to move beyond the issues that seem to weigh me down, and the ones that I have had to deal with on my own. I am trying to understand the triggers of those issues to avoid letting them take hold, yet again. I am trying to find others to connect with that will help me grow in mind, body and spirit; without them belittling me, treating me poorly, or using me as a gossip piece. Finding authentic people is truly a challenge when everyone is looking to climb a ladder with no concern who they step on, on the way up.

The ladder of success means something different for everyone, as does the meaning of success. While more and more are becoming driven my financial success, or career success; there are still a few that measure success by their happiness. For me, there seems to be a need for a middle ground. We all know the world operates on money. Even as pathetic as it is. You can't really live without some sort of income. However, my theory is this: If you find a career/job that makes your happy, allows you an income; you have succeeded! You may not have everything you want, or enough money in the bank to take a month long vacation, but you are successful. When you love what you are doing, you will never work a day in your life.

There are so many directions I could go, to be doing something I love for the rest of my life, it is difficult to take that first step. Between the nay sayers, the socially acceptable roles, the fear of failure, and even the initial investments; it can be overwhelming. I know that in different parts of our country there are different theories. There are areas that everyone is open to possibilities, there are others that are definitely not! There are roles; whether gender, age, or social class that limit what "is acceptable." For me, I love to work with my hands. Whether that consists of building furniture or a house, that is what gives me peace! Even when I get frustrated at a design flaw, I am happiest when I am building or designing something. Bringing new life to something old, building something completely new, or redesigning a layout to make it functionable; that gets my creativity flowing. Those types of things allow me to express myself. I'm not an artist in the way of drawing priceless art, but give me some lumber and I can build anything!

It's time for me to find my intellectual equals, to find those that aren't so bogged down by following what is considered mainstream and is willing to think and question for themselves. It's time for me to burn the bridges of those stuck in a mundane and unfulfilling life. Those that are so blinded they can't accept the possibilities of what may be, or just the mindset to be willing to consider it. I have too many people in my life that are more than happy to keep on the blinders and bash something they know nothing about. It's time to filter them out, and filter in those people that raise my own vibrations with a healthy and happy mind, body and spirit.

Stepping off the hamster wheel of life!
~Salli~