Coffee Chat

It's become such a strange world to me. I am hearing all the news stories, and all the debates over societal opinions, the politics and the economy. It seems everyone has become offended by everything, so many believe they are owed something, and taking responsibility for themselves is just not happening. So, needless to say, I am thinking outside the box again.

We have been told we can't blame an entire religion for some extremists, yet we can blame an entire group for the stupidity of a few. We are told that we can't say or do so much, for fear of offending someone. We are allowing people, who are breaking the law by entering our country illegally, to remain in our country. We are bickering over party lines, and for what? Every single politician in office has been bought by a lobbyist. BOTH parties, period. They are no longer working for the American people; they are working for those, with lobbyists, who can pay the highest dollar. It's a fact that can no longer be ignored. It's become this pathetic game to see who can have the most, but the cost of this thinking, is much higher than I suspect most realize. Our country is on a dangerous downward spiral, that without a major shift in thinking, can only end in disaster. There is no reason for us to be policing the world, and losing the precious lives of our soldiers. Yes, I would rather see extremists fought on soil away from America, however, at what cost are we draw a line? We are spreading our military thin. We are overly involved in civil wars around the world, sending in our soldiers to protect everyone from everything, and then our soldiers come home to less than good veteran health care, PTSD, and more broken families. We are straddling a double edged sword by policing the entire world.

Then there is America. The country that by Constitutional law, is supposed to be the highest priority for our elected officials. The domestic unrest in our country is becoming alarmingly high. We keep hearing the "Jobs Reports, Unemployment Numbers, and Stock Market." I don't believe we are hearing accurate information. The good jobs from years past, are gone. More than likely they won't be coming back any time soon. The theory of working a "good job," from the time you get out of school until you retire, is not possible anymore. Our politicians have forced laws, regulations and multiple agencies and tax loop holes, to ensure that our citizens are "protected," from everything. This has closed businesses, wiped out entire industries, sent the "good jobs" out of the country, and caused a whole generation of innovators to steer clear of any new start-up, because of too much red tape. Our education system has been shifted to training our kids to think like workers instead of innovators, the businesses still open are struggling to keep up with all the new laws and the costs of implementing all the new requirements. Then you toss in the multiple agencies businesses have to deal with, and you have mess! You have politicians making laws for the American people, that they don't have to follow. You have laws taking precedence over personal responsibilities, and it's creating a state of dependence that concerns me.

Our domestic economy is in shambles. You hear the statistics of over 50 million Americans on food stamps, and our government seems proud of that. Why?! That particular program was one of many established to give a hand up, not to be used as a hand out. I have no problem when people use these as they are intended. I do have a problem when people trade these programs for a job. When you have families living off the system, they are getting cheaper rent, utilities paid, cash assistance, food stamps and healthcare; and they are living comfortably... I have a BIG problem with this. Those of us who work, sometimes multiple jobs, just to get close to making ends meet...and struggle for everything we have, are expected to support those living off the system, pisses me off! A quick story of a recent event in my life. Friday evening, we went to get groceries. For my family, this is a process. We get groceries about every 6 weeks or so. I buy in bulk when I can or buy large amounts to save several trips. I plan meals for 4-6 weeks at a time and make grocery lists for what I need. We went into Aldi's. We usually need 2 carts for our trips in there, and they are usually full when we leave. As we were unloading the carts onto the conveyor belt, there was an old couple behind us(probably in their 70's). My husband was unloading the front cart while I unloaded the back one. As I was finishing up, the lady made a comment that pissed me off but it was rather funny too. She told her husband, "I bet they pay with food stamps. No one else buys groceries like that." A little judgmental, but I have thought the same thing on occasion when I have seen others shop like we did. Anyway, as we finished up, we pulled out cash to pay. Yes, I was feeling quite snarky, by this point. So, I turned to her, smiled and winked, and walked away. I spend about $300-$400 per month to feed our family, and by toiletries. This is about double what I was spending just a few years ago, but the cost of everything has increased. Unfortunately, our income has not. The whole point here is, this is common thought now. If more people shopped like we do, planned meals, and didn't just run to the store every week, it would save so much money. There was about 2 years, that I got away from this planning. I went to the store as I needed to, usually hungry, and without a list. Those 2 years, showed our grocery budgeting jumping, what we spend now, to almost double that. It was a hard and expensive lesson to learn. We do not buy much in the line of junk food, even though occasionally, I will. I buy items that I can make enough to have left overs, or freeze for another meal. I make everything I possibly can from scratch, and we don't buy much in the way of boxed meals. Yes, it's more work for me, but I know our family is eating healthy. Don't get me wrong, I have bought boxed type meals(frozen pizza, instant potatoes, canned soup) but I try not to.

For 16 years, I have been learning some amazing life skills, that I didn't really grow up with. I have learned to preserve the produce I grow in my garden. I have learned to cook and bake from scratch. I am continually learning new methods for both cooking and baking, and trying new recipes that fit into my requirements. Having 2 kids and myself with extreme allergies, we were forced to make changes in our diets. We have had to be very careful how much processed foods we ingest. I have had to learn to handle multiple health issues through Holistic medicine, herbal medicine and diet; to offset those allergies and life style differences when the kids aren't at home. I have learned to butcher meat we have raised here, and packaging that meat to preserve it in the freezer, and even canning it. I have been given some great cooking lessons from my husbands family, that I will always cherish. I have grown to love cooking, baking, gardening, preserving, butchers, and even have grown past most of my fears of livestock. These are not lessons I would have ever learned had I stayed the "city girl." When my kids were cursed with my allergies, I knew how to handle it, and was able to make sure my kids and I would not have to be on daily allergy shots. I am very proud of everything I have learned so far. I'm proud of myself for doing what has been best for my family, even when it has gone against everything that most people do.


As for me, I'm seeing the black clouds part, finally. A new day is dawning, and even being kicked last week, didn't keep me down long. I'm learning to accept what is; the Universe is ever changing. Yes, I am going to have tough times, but nothing has ever or will ever keep me down for too long. I am too resilient for that, too determined. I have too many things, much more serving, than to continue to dwell, on the ignorance of a few.

So, my new day has finally dawned and feels quite liberating. Even though I have buried so much of the true me for more years than I care to count, I'm still here. Still entrenched in a life that I am still learning, yet, still the same ole me, just a little wiser. You can knock me down but you can bet your sweet behind, I will get back up more determined than ever, and more than likely just pissed off enough to succeed beyond your wildest imagination. I've been knocked down, a lot, and guess what? It's time for me stand. Yes, I am pissed but it's that anger fueling my desire to better myself and succeed in everything that has knocked me down. So to some degree, I should say thank you, for reminding me why I have learned to control my temper, and redistributing it to better serve me. I have spent so many years trying to prove myself, trying to always be the better person, and spreading myself so thin for several people that didn't deserve that much power. N O T A N Y L O N G E R!

Guess what?! For so many years, I was called a bitch, the ice princess, uncaring, and thinking I was better than everyone else. Yep, I was, and still am. I have blended as best as I could. It didn't work. I am not a conformist. I don't blend well with people less than what I am. I know who I am. I know what I am capable of. I know what I know AND what I don't know. I also know that treating others the way you wish to be treated; is a nice theory. I walk a very fine line. A line that tends to be curvy and look more like a squiggle. I'm not a party till you puke person, but I love my time out with other adults. I'm not a good housewife, or a perfect mother. I hate housework and can find a million other things I would rather do! I do what I feel is best for my kids above everyone and everything else. Yes, I have my own thoughts on what is best, but since I am raising them, that means I get to make those decisions. I hate budgeting! I love numbers, but having to be strict on finances is a bit of a chore for me. Even though I hate debt, and am working to get completely debt free, I know it takes time. Patience is not a virtue I carry. I want what I want, yesterday! I don't like waiting for anything. I don't like putting anything in someone else's hands. I don't want anyone else to ever have so much power over me, they can pull the rug out and leave me flat on my ass. I do not believe in consumerism. The idea of buying more and more stuff, to me is senseless. Anything and everything in my life, has to serve a purpose. Even the people I allow in my life can not bring me too much senseless drama, or they won't be there anymore. A few are finding this out. When life seems out of control to me, it knocks me down. I have to be able to make logic of things and when I can't; there will be some major changes made.

As much as the phrase irritates me, "it is what it is," it's true. You can't make something what it's not. We live in an era that is all about change, and upgrade. Most changes I have seen, are horrible and going in the wrong direction. Some however, make sense to me. There are times, you have to be knocked down far enough to regain solid footing. It's those changes that have the biggest lessons tied to them. While I have been knocked backward for 4 years, I admittedly, neglected to find the lessons I was needing to learn. I believe I am finding them now. It's in these lessens that I am finding so much more. I am beginning to understand, not only the lessons being taught but also so many reasons that I am the way I am. I make no apologies for the person I am, or to the people that it will offend because I am not longer willing to play the games. I will not apologize for being me or having a mind to think for myself. If I make a mistake, I will apologize. I will not be sorry for being true to myself though.

I have spent my entire life trying to prove myself, be who I was expected to be, being discredited for speaking out, and not being someone that could be pushed around. Each issue that came up, moved me closer to be being a little colder. Each issue that came up to push me just a little further from the person I was; has made me who I am today. I could be angry, bitter, and revengeful; but I'm not. I have and will continue to use these issues and my stepping stones to strength, determination and perseverance. I've made it 40 years, through some pretty dark times, to be strong and self-dependent for a reason. Instead of conforming to my environment, I believe it's time to be blazing new paths. It's time to open the flood gates of the real me, and see who is still there when the rush ends. I guarantee it's going to be far fewer. It takes a special type of people to understand me, and no one will EVER control me.

I'm anxious to see where the Universe takes me, and even the people that are put in my life for this journey. This small moment in time that we have, we need to make the most of it. That does not mean becoming materialistic or having astronomical debt. For me, it means finding people that are like minded, genuine and real. It's not all this back stabbing, acquiring so many material items you can't fit them in your house, or having to work more and more hours in a day just to make payments. I believe that our culture has gotten so far off base, and we have not only lost values but our standards have gone off into orbit.

I could sit here and discuss the standards of other lives all day long, but I won't. Quite frankly, what others do and how they choose to live their lives is not my business. As long as they are not harming anyone else, who cares what they do! I'm more concerned with working on my own household, making work what I can and changing what isn't working, and raising my kids to be productive and conscientious. Teaching them to question everything, think outside the box, follow their dreams, and never let others dictate their value.

We each have unique abilities we could share, if we could just get past the constant competition. The constant need to blame someone else for the paths our lives take, has been getting worse. People have become so offended by everything and sue happy; that the joys of life are becoming a hassle. If more people stepped up to take personal responsibility for their own lives, we wouldn't have time to worry about what others are doing in theirs. This is my own plan. This is where I am steering my own life, and discarding the people that want to infringe in my life, that don't have the knowledge to do so. My circle is getting tighter, and may become very small, before it's all said and done. It's time to lift my own vibrational energy to attract the kind of people I want in my life, instead of the ones that are there by default.

You see, I have spent years now, allowing too many voices assess my life. I have allowed those voices to lower my confidence and strength. The time has come to take them back. No one should ever have the authority to take so much control over another person's life. What works for me, may not work for you. The beautiful thing about that, is that we are not all alike! Each of us is different. Each of us possess unique knowledge and abilities, that we should be able to find others that compliment us. Finding other individuals that are like minded, or have achieved the goals we are just getting to, is where we need to be heading. When you surround yourself with constant negativity, constant pain and suffering, and poor health; that's what you are bringing onto yourself. Raise your own vibrations, and find those that are going the direction you want to go or have been there and achieved those goals. It's much easier to accept advice from those who have succeeded that to get advice from those who have failed to achieve their goals and tell you yours are impossible!

I have felt a major shift in my energy as I have walked away from some of the negative people I have been around for years. I have drawn back from most people until I find those that have similar goals and more positive outlooks. I have been paying attention to my own vibrations and gut instincts instead of just tossing them by the wayside. I am finding so many positive places in my own mind that remind me, I may not be where I want to be but I'm so much closer than I once was.

Salli

Accepting all of me.

I have had such an interesting week the past week. A range of emotions has ambushed me beyond anything I have felt in years. I have decided to attempt to share some emotions, through words. I can promise you that my words will never come close but they will be the best I have to express.

This week past drug me through a ringer. I have attempted to understand and not hold a grudge against someone I once called a friend, only to have a few of my most basic requirements for a friend, shattered! I hold loyalty, honesty and trustworthy; in high regard for people I call true friends. When these basic requirements are abuse, or taken for granted, I have no problem wiping my hands of those people. Being betrayed, outright lied to and left feeling stupid for trusting such a person; tends to cause me to question my own judgement. That's a hard to pill to swallow, when you follow your gut on most things.

I have questioned my judgement with this person for a while now anyway, from too many things being done that I didn't agree with. Moving on to family issues, has also caused some major upheaval in my emotions for a while. Very rarely do I ever ask for help, speak openly about any of my thoughts, or voice an opinion unless asked. All I ever ask for is loyalty, honestly, and keeping a confidence when I do speak out. I want to know the ones I trust to talk to aren't going to be blabbing my most personal thoughts to anyone or everyone. I don't believe that's asking too much, since that's what I give in return.

As my past week drew to end, I learned a pretty tough lesson. NEVER discount your gut feelings. If your gut is screaming that there is an issue, address it! This is one of the most primal or simplest bullshit detectors you could have. When I have actually listened to my instincts, they have been 100% accurate. Unfortunately, I have this convoluted idea in my head, that the nagging gut feeling is something to be discounted if it goes against what I am wanting at the time.

I am a little too earthy for most, and have a very complex personality that has only been seen by a couple of people, my entire life. I can adapt to any situation if I choose to, and rarely let anything or anyone get in the way of something I really want. The complexity of my personality tends to take on a life of its own when I feel discouraged, unhappy, lonely, or have not taken adequate time to take care of myself. When I venture into something that does not feel right in my soul, everything feels wrong, and overwhelming. Everything becomes a chore, everything becomes a challenge, and nothing feels fulfilling. I am always wanting more of something. Not material items, I want depth. I to be around people that can put words to emotions, that aren't afraid of emotions that seem to bubble up from the deepest part of their soul, and people that are happy within their own skin! I'm not impressed by material items, people who are fake, or societies status labels. None of that means anything.

As I am finding my way back to the person I have spent many years burying who I really am to adapt to my environment, I am learning so much more about me, as a person. Accepting the fact that I am an earthy person, was the first step. I never envisioned a label for myself. I love the outdoors, love hiking, love bonfires, and finding something beautiful in every piece of nature. I am not a religious person, but have a very strong faith in the Universe as my guide. I don't believe in good or bad luck, but simply the outcome of our thoughts. I believe that everything is a living being, even if not living in the sense of humans or animals. I don't wish harm or ill health on anyone, although my temper tends to become pretty overwhelming and I'm not afraid to defend myself physically if I must. I love to dance as my form of expression, and it does not matter what style of dancing, you will find a light in me when I am dancing that is unique to that part of who I am. I care too much about people I probably shouldn't; and will not usually turn anyone away if they are needing to talk. If I was alone in this world, I would be a very minimalist person, never staying in one place for very long, and wanting to experience all life had to offer. I have no problem transitioning from jeans and boots, to heals and a formal. I really kind of love the idea of dressing up occasionally, but love my shorts and flip-flops too. I'm not ashamed of my body, as so many women are today. I don't wear makeup or believe I have to have my hair and nails done to perfection to be pretty. I have plenty of physical flaws, but they are what make me, well, ME! Scars, stretch marks, and yes, even cellulite are all part of my physical appearance. However, my physical appearance just adds to me. I'm a take it or leave it type of person. I have always been pretty decisive, until lately. I am who I am, and you can either accept me as I am or not, but once I walk away, I'm done. I'm a thinker. I love deep conversations, and thinking beyond conventional wisdom. I love sitting around a bonfire laughing and talking with friends, even though most people are too busy; I haven't given up hope that this will happen again. I miss the close friendships I once had and depended on. I miss the guys and gals that never dealt with jealousy, and had no problem putting an arm around a friend and telling them that they loved them, without any misguided thoughts. I miss the nights I went dancing, and would dance with whomever, just to dance. i love the quite nights at home, cuddling on the couch and falling asleep in the arms of the one I cared for. I miss being that care free.

I'm watching my children grow, knowing that they are seeing an uptight, over-stressed Mom, who has become very discouraged. They don't have the privilege of seeing who their Mom really is through the constant stress. I zip from one project to another, making the best of what I can, and crying over the rest. They know my strength through my strongest convictions, but the softer side has been vanishing more and more with each passing year. The softer side that once believed in relationships, romance, and letting my soul carry me where I was supposed to be is rapidly dying. I have a very strong disbelief of "happily ever after," but I do believe that there is someone out there for everyone. I believe that when you find a kindred spirit, you know, and that kindred spirit allows both to excel to be all they were meant to be. I don't believe in forever. I believe in moments of time. Forever, to me, is unrealistic and not logical. I believe the spirits of our ancestors remain with us to guide us, if we just pay attention. I love to take time to ground myself, every chance I get, by walking barefoot in the dirt or grass. I love my yoga time when the house is quiet, and so is my mind. I am sharing as much of my earthy side with my kids, as I can with the stress that keeps accumulating.

I am finding my way back to the woman that I once loved, as I was. Without excepts, without finding every flaw, without the words of any other person to belittle my beliefs. It's taking time, and the difficulty of facing stresses every day, has slowed the movement forward without doubt. I have spent so many years allowing other people to dictate my worth, without knowing who I really am, that now I am so much less than I could be. I am slowly finding my confidence, my voice to stand on my own 2 feet, allowing my soul to guide the paths I am taking; even through the stress, I am getting there. I have received so many supportive messages from old friends, that it truly brings a smile to face when I get them. I am reconnecting with some that have meant the most to me. I love logging into my email or social media accounts, to get amazingly supportive, funny, and sometimes eye-opening emails. I love the text messages and social media chat messages that have made me feel closer to everyone and everything I once knew. I have met some remarkable people locally, through social media, but I am always thrilled to see and hear from people I have known most of my life. Being so far away from friends, and my own family, has become more difficult over the years. Through all the celebrations, and some loss; it's those that I want to share everything with. It's those 300 miles away that I always wish to be around, which makes living just far enough away, feel very lonely.

The darkness that seemingly crept into my life, I don't believe really did. The more I have evaluated, reread my journals and blogs, and took a long hard look at reality; I believe it's just been building. It came to a head, about 4 years ago. I believe the Universe has done what it needed to do, to get my attention, when I chose to not listen my gut instincts. Instead of listening to a nagging feeling, I chose to clam up and through the years, all but shut completely down. The past 4 years have pushed to me tears about daily, dealing with unresolved situations and emotions. It has forced me to step away from the every single situation, issue, and stress; to look with real seeing eyes. It is forcing me to deal scars from my past, and present; that I thought I could bury forever. It has opened my eyes to this person I've become, and really don't like. I have allowed my iron clad control to slip so much, that I actually wanted to punch someone. I have let the many situations forced on me, to change me into a much colder person. I don't like it! I don't like feeling that one small event, may send my temper into orbit. I don't like feeling the world crumble beneath me, and that I can't do anything about it. Even though I have some great friends, I have not been as open with them as I once was. I don't trust anyone anymore. I keep waiting for the day that something I have said to someone, in a moment of being true to myself, will come back to me completely misconstrued and bit me in the ass again. I wait for the moment that some stupid rumor will begin about me, even though NO ONE is close enough to me, to know anything personal. Unfortunately, I have crawled into a shell that will be difficult to climb out of. I have bitten off more than I can chew on many occasions in my life. I have allowed others to treat me poorly just to keep a slight bit of social interactions in my life. I have let go of absolutely everything that has always made me who I was, and want to be again.

It's some strong insight that I have dealt with not just this weekend, but for several years now. There are some very real situations I am still trying to figure out how to navigate. One thing I have regained, is my belief that, there isn't anything I can't do, once I set my mind to do it. I may stutter a bit while finding my way, but I will find my way, and be stronger than I have ever been. I will also pay a lot more attention to those gut feelings, and maybe save myself anymore wasted time, trying to fix a broken soul later on.

I will be whole again, without feeling so lost, lonely, and way off course. I just need to be true to myself, and know that I am not conventional. I am not a carbon copy of anyone....I am unique, a one-of-a-kind, person. I am learning to accept me as I am, and hopefully, the day will come that I never have to try so hard to stay true to myself.

Today I feel strong

"Today I feel strong. Today I am ready to face my demons. Today I am ready to be me!"



As strength goes, you have to build it. You have to work to maintain it. Without constant effort, you will lose it. Today, I feel strong enough to say, do and be who I am. Today I am accepting all of the quirks, the struggles, the lessons learned, and the emotions, that make me who I am.

I began writing this blog today, and everything I had wrote just disappeared, right before my eyes. In the blink of an eye, an hours worth of typing, just vanished. I began to get mad and quit writing for today, but I don't want to. I want to get my thoughts, and realizations down where I can go back to read them on my weak days. I want to get so much out of my head that has left me feeling confused, and finally bringing me to where I am today. Finally feeling strong enough to accept them, write about them, and eventually talk about them. I need these blogs as a release for the constant thoughts running through my head, for a means of piecing together all the unhappiness, loneliness, and sadness that I have felt for so many years now.

Learning about myself through this part of the journey in my life has been frightening. I have always had to be the strong person. I was the oldest child, and expected to set a "good" example for my younger siblings. I spent years being the responsible one, looking out for my younger siblings, never doing anything that would not be respectful. While I am still a strong, responsible person; I am so much more. Being strong and independent was not an option for me.

I have always hated that people use their past as a crutch. Rather than using misfortunes or mistakes as lessons to better themselves, they used them to never go beyond where they are. For me, it would be so easy to blame so much on my past. It would be easy to say that since my adolescent years sucked, my early adulthood sucked, and so much of myself has been repressed; that I will never be more than I am today. Well guess what?!?!?! That will not be the case! It would be easy to blame my parents, the jackass that forced sex on me, failed relationships, failed marriage, and being unhappy; on everyone else. You know, I am not going to do that! I will say that many lessons I have learned throughout my life, have been harsh. Some have left me alone in dealing with aftermath, some have left me with some pretty deep scars. To this day, there are feelings, that are surfacing that make me gasp for breath when they pop up. You want to know what everything that has happened in my life has taught me? It's taught me that I am strong and capable, I am above and beyond all of it, I still have plenty of ice in my veins, and I am so much more than I am allowing myself to be. It's because of so many wounds as a younger person, that I am piecing so much of myself back together again and pulling myself out of the dark abyss that has consumed almost 4 years of my life. It's because of those lessons that I know, without a shadow of doubt, I can do and be anything I want to be. It is because of those lessons, that I will no longer be allowing people to use me as a doormat, battering ram, or scape goat again. It's also because of those lessons, that I will keep my walls up, attempt to keep my emotions in check, and will walk away from anything that makes me feel less than I am. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, and I am a little too wild for my surroundings; but I can not continue to repress who I really am to keep peace or make someone else more comfortable.

I have allowed myself to become someone I do not know, or like. I have allowed others to believe that treating me disrespectfully is ok even when they yelling that I am disrespectful. I have allowed others to take advantage of the kindness I try to show, and I have enabled others to guide my path through life. By continuing to allow others to dictate my path, I am in the most basic of senses, allowing others to tell me that I will only be as good as they allow me to be. I have essentially placed my happiness in the hands of people, for years, that have no right to have it. Well, I am taking it back!

I am taking back my right to be happy, to be me, and to be accepting of all that I am. I will never give my right to happiness away again. I am taking control of the wheel, and steering it back to the path I want to be on. I am facing more of my demons every day, and I am letting go of those that want to hold me back. I have always said, but gotten away from it, I can be your best friend if you are loyal, honest and treat me with respect; or I can be your worst nightmare if you cross me. I guess to some degree, the Ice Princess is back. All those that have and continue to treat me like crap, you are about to get a dose of your own medicine. I have been a door mat for far too many years. I will not hesitate to call out bullshit when it happens, I will not hesitate to demand respect if you choose to be around me or my kids. I refuse to continue allowing my children to see how to enable bad behavior! What they see is what they will believe to be acceptable when they are adults, and what I have allowed is NOT acceptable for anyone!

I feel strong today, even though I know there will be days that I won't feel so strong. I am learning to accept my quirky personality, my tendency to be different from everyone else, and my wants for something more. I am tired of settling just to fit in with what is considered acceptable. I am not going to continue allowing people to make me feel like I am never good enough, because I am. I am so much more than anyone realizes. Being realistic about what I have overcome in my life, is just the first step. I have not only survived every single issue, I am stronger and a better person because of it.

Life in my eyes is about to make some hard lefts! Although I did not get where I have been in a day, and I know I will not be able to change everything in a day, shit is about to get real. I have talked to my husband until I'm sure he's tired of hearing it, trying to piece so much together. Guess what, Honey?! It's falling together. Piece by frustrating piece. I have pushed myself for so many years to try to be good enough for my family, to set a good example for my siblings, to fit into families I have been married into, to have people in my life that were real and true. All that has gotten me is stress, never feeling good enough, always feeling like nothing to anyone, always placing my own wants/needs behind everyone elses, and essentially becoming a door mat. So many "light bulb moments," have kicked me in recent days. I haven't even been able to share pieces of these with my husband but I'm sure he will understand this blog completely.

I am not the hermit I have become. It's become the lesser of evils that dealing with other issues. I am not this emotional train wreck that has taken hold of me for almost 4 years. I am not the settling type. I am also not the type of person who just blends in to avoid making waves. I have very strong opinions, I am educated, I have my own beliefs, I am a free spirit. I don't like being chained down, and feeling like I can't fly. I want to explore, experience new things, revisit some old experiences, I want to share my love of learning and adventuring with my kids. We have a home base, there's no reason not to venture into some new experiences. There is no acceptable reason to limit their thinking because of my fear of causing a ruckus.

I'm ready to make waves(having a beach would be nice too!), and begin living again instead of just existing! I am ready to accept all the good, bad and ugly of who I really am. I am tired of keeping quiet, keeping my thoughts to myself, and not truly living. I know there will be people and situations that will piss me off. I know there will be times it won't be easier to just keep quiet. I also know it will take some time to get my family adjusted to and accepting of who I really am. It will be an adjustment for me as well.

A remark made to me about 10 years ago, has stuck with me, and rings truer today than ever. The potential employer commented:"It seems you've held several jobs." ME: "yes, I would go where the work and money were." Employer: " So, you were always looking for more?" Me:"Well, yes, and pay checks that didn't bounce." Employer:" Well, we need someone stable, who is willing to work and stay put. Not someone who will move on for better pay, or better hours. We need someone willing to settle on this job alone." Well, all these years, this conversation has stuck with me. Even though I shrugged it off, and said it didn't matter, I didn't want the job anyway, it has affected me. I was trying to figure out how wanting to better myself was a bad thing. How "settling" on one job could possibly be beneficial to me, and how never looking for more or better would allow people to feel stuck. Would that job have been the one that would have kept me happy, maybe. Was I upset with the conversation as it occurred? Yes! I felt belittled for trying to find my place in this world. I was already a fish out of water living in an unknown world, this country/farm world I was living in, was not me. I was playing the part of a homemaker, that I didn't have the smallest of inkling to do. I wanted my office job, traveling, seeing the world. But I had a child and that just wasn't acceptable, to keep that kind of job. I was trying to hold myself, my marriage and the world I was living together. That job would have helped to some degree, not only financially, but also for my own self-esteem. After that conversation, I began to question everything I felt and thought I knew. I guess, all these years that conversation has stuck with me, trying to remind me that I am not like most and am so much more than small minded thinking. Having a business mind, is great, but it won't do much good when you don't have an open mind.

Now, as I deal with moving beyond this pathetic existence I have allowed and get back to actually living, I am feeling strong enough to do. This has been one hell of a road to travel, but I believe I am growing exponentially from it. Even the hurt, sadness and frustration of piecing together everything that come up, has helped me grow and accept me for all I can be. I am more than a drop in the ocean, I am the ocean in a drop!

Making waves,
Salli

Coffee Chat

Coffee chat this morning is going to be a mix of thoughts, as usual.


As usual, my days are pretty busy right now. They seem to be becoming more chaotic all the time. This annoyance that I have towards everything, I can't seem to shake for anything. My to-do list is growing even though I am working on it daily, and I'm finding more and more frustration that I can't keep up. When my world is wobbling on its axis, my first thoughts are to stop everything, get a grip, and fix whatever the problems may be. Lately, I feel as though I can't find the simplest fixes.

My mind moves about a million miles a minute, all the time! My thoughts are consumed with making our home and family function function the ease of a a well oiled machine. Right now, I feel like it's a rusted out, junk yard pile of scrap. I can't move anything towards a smooth path, and that is adding to my frustration. My youngest has gotten way off her sleeping schedule, our normal routines are off, the weather has had trapped indoors most of the summer, and I am feeling overwhelmingly trapped.

I think if I hear one more phrase about being grateful for what I have, learning to be happy with what I have, forgiving those who have treated you wrong, or that someone only dreams of the things I am complaining about....I may actually punch someone! I know all of this! I am grateful for all I have, but I am also settling with less than I want. I have no problem working hard to achieve what I want, and having it take time to get there. However, I am not seeing progress in that direction nor am I feeling very forgiving at this point. I am so tired of hearing people spew out their righteous high horse crap. When one minute they are spilling the most heart felt conversations, and the next they feel the need to belittle you or take you for granted. Then they have the balls to think everything is ok. Nope, sorry. Not in my book. I am one who gives people more chances than they deserve, because I believe all people have good in them somewhere, however, when I'm done...I'm done.

I have way too many things on my plate to keep being everyone's battering ram, when it's convenient or to just be there when no one else is. I try to be respectful to everyone, even when I do not agree with them. There are times, this is tested and pushed beyond my ability to control it. Just as I have controlled my temper for the better part of 20 years, controlling my bullshit limit has a limit too. My extreme control of emotions, is faltering more and more all the time. It's getting tiresome biting my tongue so much, and trying not to offend someone.

There seems to be so much conversation lately about politics, political correctness, what lives matter, and immigration. These subjects I try to steer away from, so my email box doesn't blow with nasty messages, but it's out of control too! Politics has become a nasty, cat fight all the time. Neither major political party is discussing solutions, but instead they want to rip each other to shreds. They are using stupid objects as a reflector from the real issues, and I have yet to hear any real solutions to fixing everything that has gone wrong in our country. Here's a great solution! GET THE GOVERNMENT OUT OF THE WAY! They have reached beyond their intended purpose for years, bankrupted our country trying to give free stuff to everyone, allowed tax breaks to companies taking their manufacturing out of the country, and tried to put everyone on even ground. This does not work, folks! We are seeing this, if everyone would just look closely! Sure, the government spews their job creation reports, about all these jobs supposedly created. Where?! Are these decent paying, full-time jobs? NO! These are part-time, minimum wage jobs. The unemployment rate is dropping because people have given up looking for jobs. The unemployed are taking 2 and 3 jobs to make the income of the 1 job they had before. If you haven't noticed, prices on everything is going up! Groceries are up, utilities are up, as are everyday expenses. When you could once work for $10 an hour and be comfortable, now takes $20 an hour...with overtime! 90% of everything you look at today, is made in another country. I don't care if it's China, Mexico, Taiwan, or Indonesia; these are manufacturing jobs once held by Americans, who made great wages and were living the old fashioned middle class. Now, unless you are a doctor, lawyer, scientist or politician...you don't make enough to live the old fashioned middle class life. Now, we are the working poor. We make too much to get any kind of government help, but not enough to do more than just scrape by. It's disturbing but mostly it's maddening! American politicians have put our noses into civil wars around the world, that we have no business being in. They have demoralized, and mistreated our soldiers that they are continuously sending into one battle or another, and not taking care of them when they come home. They have continued to walk on the Constitution and Bill of Rights...BOTH PARTIES! It's frustrating to me, to see so many bickering over who matters and who doesn't. Here is my opinion, ALL LIVES MATTER. I don't care what color your skin is, we all bleed red, therefore, we all matter. Here's where I take issue: if you commit a crime, you are a criminal! I don't care what color your skin, what your nationality or what your religion! The idea of classifying people by skin color, religion, nationality, or class; is doing nothing more than using labels to create a constant battle of people against other people. Here in America, in my opinion, If you have an U.S. Citizenship, you are an AMERICAN! You are not a white-American, Black-American, Mexican-American, or any other something-American; YOU ARE AMERICAN! We all have different opinions, we are all working toward a better life for ourselves and our families...even if we go about it in different ways! Here is where I have an issue! IF you are in this country illegally, and demanding jobs, housing, drivers license, and support; you need to be deported! There are hundreds of thousands of immigrants that come to this country every year, apply and become citizens - LEGALLY! They do not expect to be supported by the Americans that are working and paying taxes. They come here for a better life, and are willing to work for it. This leads me to the whole politically correct bullshit! Somewhere along the way, our country has gone from victors to victims. Everyone is offended by something. Grow up! You don't like something, you ignore it and go on. There are way too many people that have lost their backbones! We have kids bullying kids, because the good kids are now the trouble makers if they fight back. We have criminals committing crimes then yelling about police brutality. We have grown men walking around with their asses hanging out of their pants, yet are offended by a mother breast feeding her child in public. We have grown adults teaching their children that it's always someone elses fault instead of using discipline to teach their children how to be respectful. We have an education system that has been designed for 50 plus years to create workers, not innovators. Yet, every time you turn on the news you are inundated with stories about: how someone has cried police brutality because they were resisting arrest, another child has committed suicide because they were bullied everyday, the growing number of divorces in America, the constant smearing of one politician or another, how one person with serious mental issues is causing everyone to blame an entire "class," and the constant stories about the criminals that have committed crimes. Quite making these people a spotlight, folks! Quit devoting an entire hour of news to stupid shit! I don't care about Bruce Jenner or what dress he is wearing, I don't care about the anniversary of some crime or criminal, the fact that part of Southern heritage has been removed because of one dip shit is another politics at its best, and after the GOP debate...I think every damned politician in office should be fired, with no pension, and bring in people that aren't educated idiots! Come people, use your heads for more than a hat rack! We are all smarter than this! We are all worth so much more the classes and labels that these elected idiots are putting on us!

Now, that that rant is over, I will move on!

As I have mentioned regularly lately, the divorce rate in America is unbelievably high! Depending on which statistic you read, it's somewhere in the vicinity of 50-60%. This is frightening! This is more than half of all marriages end in divorce. Why? What on earth has changed in the past 30 years that has caused the rates to triple? The alarming rate of failed marriages has being seen across the board too. What was once just in the first 7 years of marriage, has expanded well beyond that now. Are people marrying too young, settling for less than they deserve, is finance the big reason, working too many hours to make ends meet, or something else entirely different? I honestly do not know. I just know, that this year alone, I personally know of over 30 divorces. These consist of marriages that are 15-30 years long. I know most women have a job/career outside of home now, but several of the women I know that are going through a divorce right now have said almost the exact same things. " Life is too short to be unhappy, and I have been so ingrained in my marriage/kids, that I have become unhappy. I have lost myself." It's been almost the exact same thoughts from 20 of those 30 women. What I am seeing in my own life, causes me to understand this, but at the same time, I think about them men's thoughts. I have only spoken to a few of the men, and they all say the same thing, "I thought everything was ok." I know men and women are wired differently. We think differently, with different sides of our brains. I won't go into a science lesson here, but I can't help but wonder if our thinking differences are part of the problem. While men think everything is "ok," women are thinking "I need more, I need time to find myself, I need to be a person away from my spouse and kids, I need attention, I want affection," Or any other of the million thoughts going through a woman's head, at any given point in time. In my own thoughts, I know that actions speak a lot louder than words. Maybe instead of waiting for the 50-50 of divorce, both men and women need to be giving 100-100% in marriage. It's when that scale gets tipped and one person is or feels like they are giving more than receiving, that the marriage begins to spiral downhill. I can't speak for all women, but for myself, when I say, "I am giving everything I have to give and am not getting anywhere." This is the make or break point for most. When you can't have real conversations about your needs, wants, or goals; you are not going to salvage your marriage. When it becomes easier to cry behind closed doors than to talk to your spouse, you are in dangerous territory. When you spend too many years, suppressing your feelings, you have a hard road ahead of you! Finding some firm ground, having real conversations(and a lot of them!), both spouses getting what they need and want out of the relationship; then you have something to work with. I don't know what the fix is for all the divorces. I know I don't agree with what marriage has become, and if put in the position, would never do it again. I guess, for now, I am not meant to understand this, but it's a struggle for me emotionally.

Unbelievably, we are nearing the end of Summer already. The crazy rain this Summer has had us stuck indoors most of it. The school days are gearing up to start, Fall is just around the corner, the gardens are winding down, and the list to get done before Winter has surfaced. Around here, I work by season. I have a list for each season, of projects/chores that need done before the next season. I keep a regular list of "cleaning" that has to be done each season, as well as different project lists. My lists are monumental for me to get anything accomplished! I have had to do some updating on a regular basis lately, because it's become too easy to push something off until later. Well, by pushing one thing off, it has caused a landslide of things to not be completed. In addition, I have the added pressure of trying to complete my own school work, and fix some other issues that have arose. Having so much on my mind for so long now, has left me feeling, what I can only describe as overwhelmed. Too much on my mind, too many unfinished projects, too many unfinished goals, too many wants that have to wait, and too much emotional baggage weighing me down. It's time for a little break from the mental chaos, but fixing things lately, has not been my forte. If I keep myself too busy to really think, the thoughts creep back in at night, if I give myself a little time to think; it frustrates me that I can't find a solution. If I take a time out, then I get ambushed with thoughts that I have no idea how to express. Yeah, I think overwhelmed covers it.

I am disappointed in myself, for not getting goals completed. It's very difficult for me when I don't complete a task. The self-imposed time lines, and negativity for not getting things done, gets to be ridiculous! I keep reminding myself that I am only one person, and only have 24 hours in a day, but that does not help when I am seeing things that aren't getting done. I don't like to nag at my family to do things because they do a lot already. I do get frustrated when there are things that obviously need done, and everyone else ignores them. I am also coming to grips with the fact that I have certain expectations of how things should be done, and typically, it's easier for me to do things "the right way, and save myself from having to do it again." It's petty, I know. It's those little things that annoy me, like leaving cabinet doors open, drawers open, chairs not pushed in, beds unmade, and looking up to see cob webs at my ceiling. I have gotten pretty OCD about some things, while others I am just happy to get done, even if not to my standards. I have been attempting to quit smoking for about 3 months. I am failing miserably at the moment. When I get upset, worried, or pissed; it's easier to grab a cigarette and sit for a minute than to scream, yell and throw the tantrum I would really like to throw. It's easier to take a smoke break than to eat nonstop, and not have any clothes that fit. I'm exercising and practicing meditation to try to keep my temper in check. I'm finding it more and more difficult to do that anymore, for some reason. I have had some major control over my emotions for more than 20 years now, and finding that some emotions are not as in control anymore, is making me uncomfortable.

We are finally getting a forecast that is decent for about 6 days. No rain so far in the forecast! That means getting hay equipment serviced and ready for the fields, working to find the gardens that the weeds are currently claiming, getting everything canned out of it that we possibly can, getting outdoor projects finished up before the weather shifts for Fall & Winter, getting the pig areas ready for new little ones, and getting rid of a few more animals, juggling a budget that is not meeting, and finding a workable plan for the life we have chosen too. We still have duct work, siding, fascia, and soffit to finish outside. We have water lines to change for the furnace, a deck to get built before winter sets in so we can use our back door, a yard to get cleaned up, and trees to straw. Of the 15 trees I planted this spring, we have only lost 3 so far, and I hope to keep it at that!

I am working on myself a lot these days. I am trying to find a solid footing to be able to words to my thoughts instead of in writing and in a blog; this is proving difficult. I am trying to rebuild myself to the person I want to be instead of who I have become. I am working on me, because I am the only one capable of fixing the things I don't like. I am working to find a middle ground that allows me to be me but still allows for responsibilities to be taken care of. I quit watching television years ago, and just lately, have found myself reading all the new articles online. That will be limited since most of them are all doom and gloom. I have enough of that...I don't need more! Television seems like a waste of time and energy to me. Neither of which I can spare much of anyway. I try to keep to myself, aside from these blogs, because I do not play well with others. I have given all I can give to others. I will help anyone, usually, anytime but this has caused me to be used and taken for granted. Not going to be happening anymore. I have things I enjoy and I have let go of them because it's easier, I can't keep letting go. My little family will always come first, but I can't be the best for them until I become the best for me.

It's a day of thoughts, still fighting with this annoyance at everything, and a headache to boot. It's time to reign in my stress before it takes complete control. Since my aggravation with everything is still firmly in place, I believe I will do something today that can be destroyed! :) I believe the first stop will be some aspirin! Maybe by the next coffee chat, I will be out of bitch mode! One can hope! ;-)

Salli

A day in my life...a humorous retelling...

A day in my life, can be pretty chaotic. This blog post is going to be just as my day goes, and I am going to begin this with 1 AM this morning, when my youngest was finally settling down enough to go to sleep.

My kids love Minecraft. This crazy video game that seems to be the talk on every school group, and in every household. They have the game, and my youngest loves to watch the Youtube videos about others playing the game, then she creates all kinds of amazing structures and animals on her map. While I love to see her creativity flowing...I am tired of video games and computers/tablets! Anyway, she will sit and watch the videos for hours if I let her. Some are in our home school groups, some are not. Well, early this morning she was still watching videos after sleeping away most of the day(along with her dad and brother), because they were out all night hunting. So, getting her to sleep was an expected challenge. By 1:30, I finally turned everything off and went to bed. At 5:30, my alarm starts going off. I did not hear it at 5:30! By 6:15, I finally heard it and hit snooze a couple of times. I finally got up at 6:30 and my husband had coffee ready...Thankfully!!!

My mornings are completely thrown off when I don't have at least 30 minutes, to visit with my husband and have our morning coffee together. This morning, we were able to enjoy the cooler temps while drinking our coffee on the deck. Our morning coffee time is about the only time we get to have any type of conversations without little ears. While we may not always discuss anything of importance, it's time to just be adults. This morning, our conversations moved around baling hay, working on the duct work to get ready for Winter, some other projects we need to get finished and how much hay we would need to last through the Winter. I know we are SUPER exciting people! :-)

By about 7, he is out the door for work, and my day begins again. I have decided that the only difference between his job and mine, is that he gets paid by the hour; and I don't. After he leaves for work, normally I spend a couple of hours on my school work, this morning I am writing, and doing laundry instead. I can usually keep up with washing, and drying the laundry but getting everything folded and put away, takes on a life of its own! Today, I am tackling the folding, and putting of the laundry mixed with my other responsibilities. I am not a housekeeper, and although my house is picked up daily...it's not ever spotless! This is a huge burr under my saddle! I don't like mess or clutter, but the other 3 people in my household never seem to notice or mind any of it! The constant chaos of clutter and mess in my house keeps me feeling unorganized and scatter brained.

After moving a load of laundry from the dryer to a basket, from the washer to dryer, and starting another load; I grab whatever meat from the freezer to thaw for supper. Then it's on to the next project. Now, it's time to get out of my sweats, get dressed and ready to move through the rest of the day. The coffee pot is now empty! Yikes!

***This part is not going to be as accurate, since it will be a retelling of every other day.***

It's now on to getting our bed made, piling the clean laundry on it so I can get everything folded. Getting my oldest motivated to get our morning chores completed, getting the dog out, looking around around me to see all the stupid mess, cob webs, and kid and dog toys scattered throughout my house. By this point I am silently fuming that it's easier for everyone else to just step over, or push aside the messes they see than to actually pick up! I am mentally going through how long some of the mess has sat, why I am the only one that can see the trash can overflowing, or dishes that get left where ever they get sat, and wondering how long my youngest child's gate(to keep the dog out) will hold the avalanche of toys threatening to flow out of her room.

Crap! The dryer stopped again. Here we go with the transfers again. Another pile of clean/dry clothes gets piled on my bed...I wonder if I jumped in the middle of it, if I would feel like I was jumping in a pile of leaves! Dang it, another bathroom break, too much coffee I guess, but oh well! I come out to find the dog destroying a roll of toilet paper, my youngest sleeping on the couch, my cell phone chiming of an incoming text message, and of course...there goes the house phone. Ok, breath for a minute! I am dreading having to start cleaning again. I know it will be a mess within hours again. Ok, here I go.

I start rounding up all the dishes that have been left every where but in the kitchen. Oh look, there's dirty clothes that didn't get picked up. Wow, 4 soda cans that are not empty. The hubs just called to tell me about his crazy morning at work, and I'm silently wishing I could trade him places for a week! Now, to clean up the floor from the shredded toilet paper, oh look, there are crumbs under the table, and cob webs at the ceiling. Out comes the broom, dustpan and vacuum. I get the floor swept, around the dog trying to bite the broom, start to collect all the crap in the dustpan only to have the dog trying to grab something out of it. That's done for a bit. The vacuum wand is getting extended and I'm hoping there are no spiders lurking in the webs! I get that done, only to see dust piling on the shelves above the windows(I just dusted these last week!), and on the mantle, and the end tables, and the coffee table... UGH! I really just dusted last week...you can't tell! I haven't even braved the kitchen yet. My youngest has the dining room table and the coffee table covered in toys, because "my rooms a mess and I can't clean it alone." O-M-G! My to-do list is still growing, but I am busting tail this morning! There goes the dryer again.

Ok, is this 5 or 6 loads piled on my bed, still unfolded? I begin the kitchen project with emptying glasses, really...do we need to use a new glass for each time we get something to drink? Do you really forget that you already had one...sitting INCHES from where you just sat the new one? Oh yeah, stacking dishes. The cups are stacked together, then the plates, then the bowls, and the pans are on the stove. Wow, I must be really OCD, or ADD! Man, my sink is gross. I need to clean it out before I do dishes. Ok, that wasted 5 minutes. As the sink if filling, I am putting silverware on one side while loading it with every stinking glass we own. Let those soak for bit while I wipe down the island and try to figure out where I can move my cook books to so they don't keep finding the floor. Dang it, there goes the dryer again. Ok, last load of laundry is in the washer. I get a sink full of glasses, and silverware and the damned phone is going off again. I'm taking a break to answer my text, and smoke. I really need to quit smoking. Look, my stack of recipes to try, think I will try a new one tonight. I get the plates and bowls soaking and move the pans beside the sink. I am a really messy cook! I get the stove and counter wiped down, and begin cleaning up the counter with the coffee pot on it. Geez, why are their toys in the kitchen? The dog has rooted her food off the plate and is now under the cabinet. I will get to it later. Back to dishes. I think if these got done every night like they are supposed to, it would save me loads of time. Plates are clean again, and the pans are soaking. There's another sink full of dishes by the coffee pot...Really?!?!?!?! I need something to drink. Ok, the tea pitcher is empty and look...so is the coolaid pitcher. So I guess it's either water or soda. Our water is gross, we really need to get a filter system and a softener. Time to get these stupid dishes finished so I can cook lunch. Do people really need to eat 3 meals a day? All the dishes are finished, and I am not thrilled about dirtying more right now...I think it's a PB & J day for lunch. Crap!! There's no styrofoam plates. Oh well, it's just 3 small plates, right?! Sandwiches are made, and I can sit for a minute. Dang it, I forgot to get the princess something to drink...up I go. Oh yeah, before I eat, I better make sure the meat for supper is thawing and get napkins to wipe up the jelly that is now on the table, floor and keyboard. I think I can eat now. Half my sandwich is gone, and the kids are fighting over the damned video game. I tell them they better solve it without involving me or they won't like my solution. Whoo, a few minutes of peace. Here comes the princess crying because she still can't play the stupid game, the oldest is in control of the tv that the system is connected to and he's watching some new Sci-Fi thriller. UGH! Can't I just throw all the technology into a pile and burn it while dancing like a crazy person in celebration?! Damned cat just got on the table and cleared off one whole end...including the princess' drink, the stack of paperwork that was in chronological order, the basket holding all the odds and ends of crap that hasn't found a home yet, AND the box of toys my princess has just brought out of her room because there wasn't already enough toys scattered through the house!

Calgon, TAKE ME AWAY!!!! The kids are battling again! The oldest won't play with the youngest, one or the other isn't playing right or fair, and all I hear all day long..."I'm hungry and there's nothing to eat!" Really?! I cook 3 meals a day, bake like I have a business doing so, and the pantry is still somewhat full?! There's nothing to eat? I am hooking my MP3 player in my pocket, and putting in BOTH ear buds! I can't handle one more argument today! I have finally gotten the kitchen looking respectable again, and start to fold laundry. Oh look, a pair of socks and 2 shirts that didn't make it to the laundry basket. They get throw in a pile by the door. I look out the door and wonder when my desk became 2 foot deep and why I didn't notice before now. Back to laundry. It only took me an hour to get it all folded, now can I get it put away? Shit, there goes that F*%$ing phone again! Really, how many times of calling and me telling them that they have a wrong number, before they quit calling?! I get our towels put up and wonder if I could just hide in my closet for a day and escape the chaos that has become my life. I really don't like the constant cleaning, and it really takes fun out of everything! The princess is yelling for a snack again, oh and something else to drink. BUT we can't use the same cup, because the cat knocked it on the floor. Shit, I need to finish cleaning that up! Damn, Damn, Damn....the koolaid in on the rug AND the wall. Is it possible to hear your hair turning gray? I think I can hear it! That mess is cleaned up, but the dog has now dug in the trash and it's all over the kitchen floor.

OMG! Will this day ever end?! I get that cleaned up, look at the clock and cuss again. It's 3:30, supper was supposed to have been in the crock pot by noon, and now it's going to have to go in the roaster and in the oven. Now, I have to chop onion, garlic, cut up the meat, wash and cut potatoes, and get it all in the oven before 4. Phew, just made it. I don't have anything made for dessert. I think I will take a smoke break and look through my recipes. Crap! There's nothing to drink. I yell for my oldest to come out of his room(do all teenagers hide out in their rooms?) and ask him to make tea and Koolaid. He gets the Koolaid made and starts the first pot of tea, and disappears. An hour later, I finally yell for him again to finish the tea. In the meantime, I have found a few yummy sounding dessert recipes. Now, it's a quest to see if I have all the ingredients. Damn it!!!!! I have parts of each, but not everything for 1 single recipe. I really need to get groceries! I guess it's the ole fall back of boxed brownies. Oh well, I'll doctor them up with caramel and chocolate chips! In the oven they go, tea is finally done, and I finally have something to drink. Shit! It's 5:30! The hubs will be pulling in anytime, the folded laundry is still on the bed, supper is still not done, the sink has dishes multiplying in it, and the entire house is a mess again! How the hell did that happen!!!!! It's a flight of the bumble bee, to at least pick it up a little again. I think I could sweep the floor 10 times a day, instead of 3, and it would still have shit all over it! It's 6, hubs is home, everyone is hungry and I forgot about the brownies. Just a little crisp on the outside...my favorite but the kids will cut the edges off. Supper is finally ready, I get the princess' out to cool, and yell for the guys to fix their plates. They fill their plates, the princess is eating and I finally get my plate and set it on the table. Before I can sit down, the princess needs something to drink, the salt and pepper aren't on the table, there aren't any napkins on the table and the dog thinks she needs a plate up there too. I finally get to eat barely luke warm food. I am still finishing up and everyone else has left the table. The hubs is camped out in his chair, the teenager is holed up in his room and the princess is who knows where. I need to check on her...quiet is not good! Found her...dragging more stuff to the table. I take my plate to the kitchen, and breath. Well, there goes the television, the computer, my teenagers television and now my phone, again. Does it ever just STOP?! Supper needs put up, dessert needs covered, dishes need done, and I just found more clothes that need washed. It's 7 pm, in just about 4 hours, I might be able to go to bed! The hubs is snoring in his chair with the noise box blaring(TV), the princess has the computer speakers blaring to hear it over the TV, and the teenager is locked in his room again. It's 9 pm, and I tell the princess to start picking up, and get ready for bed. This battle will continue for at least 2 more hours. Hubs wakes up long enough to yell at the princess that it's time for bed, and can hardly get the entire sentence out before he's snoring again. She closes down the computer and ventures to the couch WITH HER TABLET! OMG! Can children today survive without some kind of technology?! I am running on fumes, and half my to-do list was untouched, none of my school work got completed, and I still need to finish getting the kids school work ready so we can start the middle of the month. I yell again to turn off the damn tablet, it's bedtime...it's also, 10:30. I sit down and start looking at some recipes, making a grocery list, making my to-do list somewhat functional, yell again, take a few minutes to look at Facebook, and think that I don't need to watch television or soap operas...it's all on Facebook! I have been smoking like a chimney for the past 4 hours and I'm wondering if I need to smoke more or start drinking again. It's now 11:30, hubs woke up long enough to put supper up, cover the brownies, and yell at the princess again...I think she ignored him. I have a growing grocery list, and the monthly budget is looking like something out of a horror movie. I really need to finish my schooling and start working! I would love a new pair of shoes, a couple new outfits, some new cooking pans, and some new dishes. I really need to start thinking about the end of the year expenses: a trip to see my family & friends, house insurance, Christmas and taxes. We aren't going to make it to the zoo this year. There just isn't time or money to do it....man, I really wanted to go to! Oh well, maybe next year. Another cigarette while waiting for the princess to go to sleep, I think I dozed off for a minute. It's almost 1 am! No cigarette, I'm too tired and lost my patience about 3 hours ago. That's it, go to bed now, or no technology will remain in this house! Shut off the tablet, and lay down!!!!! Finally, I think she got the drift! I shake hubs to tell him I'm going to bed, and get a lot of grumbling, and he turns the other way. Ok, whatever, I go to bed. I lay down ready to drop and guess what? I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP! All the stuff I didn't get done is playing through my head. All the stuff I need to get to get done is piling up. Ok, I am taking 2 minutes to meditate, and breath deep! Phew, ok...now, it's time for sleep!


***While this has been funny to write, this is my days....minus any schooling! My thoughts, my actions, the constant ADD that seems to envelope me with the cluttered state my house is in, the battles with the kids...it's all part of it. While not everyday is this crazy...most are! Hopefully, you all will find the humor in this, as I am learning to. I still haven't kicked the smoking habit...but I am still trying. It will happen, eventually! Another little side note here...nothing in this chaotic day, includes any of the extended family issues, the day-to-day farm life issues, or any trips/visitors! This is just a typically day in my life - what goes on and my thoughts.***

Sal