Coffee Chat

Coffee chat this morning is going to be a mix of thoughts, as usual.


As usual, my days are pretty busy right now. They seem to be becoming more chaotic all the time. This annoyance that I have towards everything, I can't seem to shake for anything. My to-do list is growing even though I am working on it daily, and I'm finding more and more frustration that I can't keep up. When my world is wobbling on its axis, my first thoughts are to stop everything, get a grip, and fix whatever the problems may be. Lately, I feel as though I can't find the simplest fixes.

My mind moves about a million miles a minute, all the time! My thoughts are consumed with making our home and family function function the ease of a a well oiled machine. Right now, I feel like it's a rusted out, junk yard pile of scrap. I can't move anything towards a smooth path, and that is adding to my frustration. My youngest has gotten way off her sleeping schedule, our normal routines are off, the weather has had trapped indoors most of the summer, and I am feeling overwhelmingly trapped.

I think if I hear one more phrase about being grateful for what I have, learning to be happy with what I have, forgiving those who have treated you wrong, or that someone only dreams of the things I am complaining about....I may actually punch someone! I know all of this! I am grateful for all I have, but I am also settling with less than I want. I have no problem working hard to achieve what I want, and having it take time to get there. However, I am not seeing progress in that direction nor am I feeling very forgiving at this point. I am so tired of hearing people spew out their righteous high horse crap. When one minute they are spilling the most heart felt conversations, and the next they feel the need to belittle you or take you for granted. Then they have the balls to think everything is ok. Nope, sorry. Not in my book. I am one who gives people more chances than they deserve, because I believe all people have good in them somewhere, however, when I'm done...I'm done.

I have way too many things on my plate to keep being everyone's battering ram, when it's convenient or to just be there when no one else is. I try to be respectful to everyone, even when I do not agree with them. There are times, this is tested and pushed beyond my ability to control it. Just as I have controlled my temper for the better part of 20 years, controlling my bullshit limit has a limit too. My extreme control of emotions, is faltering more and more all the time. It's getting tiresome biting my tongue so much, and trying not to offend someone.

There seems to be so much conversation lately about politics, political correctness, what lives matter, and immigration. These subjects I try to steer away from, so my email box doesn't blow with nasty messages, but it's out of control too! Politics has become a nasty, cat fight all the time. Neither major political party is discussing solutions, but instead they want to rip each other to shreds. They are using stupid objects as a reflector from the real issues, and I have yet to hear any real solutions to fixing everything that has gone wrong in our country. Here's a great solution! GET THE GOVERNMENT OUT OF THE WAY! They have reached beyond their intended purpose for years, bankrupted our country trying to give free stuff to everyone, allowed tax breaks to companies taking their manufacturing out of the country, and tried to put everyone on even ground. This does not work, folks! We are seeing this, if everyone would just look closely! Sure, the government spews their job creation reports, about all these jobs supposedly created. Where?! Are these decent paying, full-time jobs? NO! These are part-time, minimum wage jobs. The unemployment rate is dropping because people have given up looking for jobs. The unemployed are taking 2 and 3 jobs to make the income of the 1 job they had before. If you haven't noticed, prices on everything is going up! Groceries are up, utilities are up, as are everyday expenses. When you could once work for $10 an hour and be comfortable, now takes $20 an hour...with overtime! 90% of everything you look at today, is made in another country. I don't care if it's China, Mexico, Taiwan, or Indonesia; these are manufacturing jobs once held by Americans, who made great wages and were living the old fashioned middle class. Now, unless you are a doctor, lawyer, scientist or politician...you don't make enough to live the old fashioned middle class life. Now, we are the working poor. We make too much to get any kind of government help, but not enough to do more than just scrape by. It's disturbing but mostly it's maddening! American politicians have put our noses into civil wars around the world, that we have no business being in. They have demoralized, and mistreated our soldiers that they are continuously sending into one battle or another, and not taking care of them when they come home. They have continued to walk on the Constitution and Bill of Rights...BOTH PARTIES! It's frustrating to me, to see so many bickering over who matters and who doesn't. Here is my opinion, ALL LIVES MATTER. I don't care what color your skin is, we all bleed red, therefore, we all matter. Here's where I take issue: if you commit a crime, you are a criminal! I don't care what color your skin, what your nationality or what your religion! The idea of classifying people by skin color, religion, nationality, or class; is doing nothing more than using labels to create a constant battle of people against other people. Here in America, in my opinion, If you have an U.S. Citizenship, you are an AMERICAN! You are not a white-American, Black-American, Mexican-American, or any other something-American; YOU ARE AMERICAN! We all have different opinions, we are all working toward a better life for ourselves and our families...even if we go about it in different ways! Here is where I have an issue! IF you are in this country illegally, and demanding jobs, housing, drivers license, and support; you need to be deported! There are hundreds of thousands of immigrants that come to this country every year, apply and become citizens - LEGALLY! They do not expect to be supported by the Americans that are working and paying taxes. They come here for a better life, and are willing to work for it. This leads me to the whole politically correct bullshit! Somewhere along the way, our country has gone from victors to victims. Everyone is offended by something. Grow up! You don't like something, you ignore it and go on. There are way too many people that have lost their backbones! We have kids bullying kids, because the good kids are now the trouble makers if they fight back. We have criminals committing crimes then yelling about police brutality. We have grown men walking around with their asses hanging out of their pants, yet are offended by a mother breast feeding her child in public. We have grown adults teaching their children that it's always someone elses fault instead of using discipline to teach their children how to be respectful. We have an education system that has been designed for 50 plus years to create workers, not innovators. Yet, every time you turn on the news you are inundated with stories about: how someone has cried police brutality because they were resisting arrest, another child has committed suicide because they were bullied everyday, the growing number of divorces in America, the constant smearing of one politician or another, how one person with serious mental issues is causing everyone to blame an entire "class," and the constant stories about the criminals that have committed crimes. Quite making these people a spotlight, folks! Quit devoting an entire hour of news to stupid shit! I don't care about Bruce Jenner or what dress he is wearing, I don't care about the anniversary of some crime or criminal, the fact that part of Southern heritage has been removed because of one dip shit is another politics at its best, and after the GOP debate...I think every damned politician in office should be fired, with no pension, and bring in people that aren't educated idiots! Come people, use your heads for more than a hat rack! We are all smarter than this! We are all worth so much more the classes and labels that these elected idiots are putting on us!

Now, that that rant is over, I will move on!

As I have mentioned regularly lately, the divorce rate in America is unbelievably high! Depending on which statistic you read, it's somewhere in the vicinity of 50-60%. This is frightening! This is more than half of all marriages end in divorce. Why? What on earth has changed in the past 30 years that has caused the rates to triple? The alarming rate of failed marriages has being seen across the board too. What was once just in the first 7 years of marriage, has expanded well beyond that now. Are people marrying too young, settling for less than they deserve, is finance the big reason, working too many hours to make ends meet, or something else entirely different? I honestly do not know. I just know, that this year alone, I personally know of over 30 divorces. These consist of marriages that are 15-30 years long. I know most women have a job/career outside of home now, but several of the women I know that are going through a divorce right now have said almost the exact same things. " Life is too short to be unhappy, and I have been so ingrained in my marriage/kids, that I have become unhappy. I have lost myself." It's been almost the exact same thoughts from 20 of those 30 women. What I am seeing in my own life, causes me to understand this, but at the same time, I think about them men's thoughts. I have only spoken to a few of the men, and they all say the same thing, "I thought everything was ok." I know men and women are wired differently. We think differently, with different sides of our brains. I won't go into a science lesson here, but I can't help but wonder if our thinking differences are part of the problem. While men think everything is "ok," women are thinking "I need more, I need time to find myself, I need to be a person away from my spouse and kids, I need attention, I want affection," Or any other of the million thoughts going through a woman's head, at any given point in time. In my own thoughts, I know that actions speak a lot louder than words. Maybe instead of waiting for the 50-50 of divorce, both men and women need to be giving 100-100% in marriage. It's when that scale gets tipped and one person is or feels like they are giving more than receiving, that the marriage begins to spiral downhill. I can't speak for all women, but for myself, when I say, "I am giving everything I have to give and am not getting anywhere." This is the make or break point for most. When you can't have real conversations about your needs, wants, or goals; you are not going to salvage your marriage. When it becomes easier to cry behind closed doors than to talk to your spouse, you are in dangerous territory. When you spend too many years, suppressing your feelings, you have a hard road ahead of you! Finding some firm ground, having real conversations(and a lot of them!), both spouses getting what they need and want out of the relationship; then you have something to work with. I don't know what the fix is for all the divorces. I know I don't agree with what marriage has become, and if put in the position, would never do it again. I guess, for now, I am not meant to understand this, but it's a struggle for me emotionally.

Unbelievably, we are nearing the end of Summer already. The crazy rain this Summer has had us stuck indoors most of it. The school days are gearing up to start, Fall is just around the corner, the gardens are winding down, and the list to get done before Winter has surfaced. Around here, I work by season. I have a list for each season, of projects/chores that need done before the next season. I keep a regular list of "cleaning" that has to be done each season, as well as different project lists. My lists are monumental for me to get anything accomplished! I have had to do some updating on a regular basis lately, because it's become too easy to push something off until later. Well, by pushing one thing off, it has caused a landslide of things to not be completed. In addition, I have the added pressure of trying to complete my own school work, and fix some other issues that have arose. Having so much on my mind for so long now, has left me feeling, what I can only describe as overwhelmed. Too much on my mind, too many unfinished projects, too many unfinished goals, too many wants that have to wait, and too much emotional baggage weighing me down. It's time for a little break from the mental chaos, but fixing things lately, has not been my forte. If I keep myself too busy to really think, the thoughts creep back in at night, if I give myself a little time to think; it frustrates me that I can't find a solution. If I take a time out, then I get ambushed with thoughts that I have no idea how to express. Yeah, I think overwhelmed covers it.

I am disappointed in myself, for not getting goals completed. It's very difficult for me when I don't complete a task. The self-imposed time lines, and negativity for not getting things done, gets to be ridiculous! I keep reminding myself that I am only one person, and only have 24 hours in a day, but that does not help when I am seeing things that aren't getting done. I don't like to nag at my family to do things because they do a lot already. I do get frustrated when there are things that obviously need done, and everyone else ignores them. I am also coming to grips with the fact that I have certain expectations of how things should be done, and typically, it's easier for me to do things "the right way, and save myself from having to do it again." It's petty, I know. It's those little things that annoy me, like leaving cabinet doors open, drawers open, chairs not pushed in, beds unmade, and looking up to see cob webs at my ceiling. I have gotten pretty OCD about some things, while others I am just happy to get done, even if not to my standards. I have been attempting to quit smoking for about 3 months. I am failing miserably at the moment. When I get upset, worried, or pissed; it's easier to grab a cigarette and sit for a minute than to scream, yell and throw the tantrum I would really like to throw. It's easier to take a smoke break than to eat nonstop, and not have any clothes that fit. I'm exercising and practicing meditation to try to keep my temper in check. I'm finding it more and more difficult to do that anymore, for some reason. I have had some major control over my emotions for more than 20 years now, and finding that some emotions are not as in control anymore, is making me uncomfortable.

We are finally getting a forecast that is decent for about 6 days. No rain so far in the forecast! That means getting hay equipment serviced and ready for the fields, working to find the gardens that the weeds are currently claiming, getting everything canned out of it that we possibly can, getting outdoor projects finished up before the weather shifts for Fall & Winter, getting the pig areas ready for new little ones, and getting rid of a few more animals, juggling a budget that is not meeting, and finding a workable plan for the life we have chosen too. We still have duct work, siding, fascia, and soffit to finish outside. We have water lines to change for the furnace, a deck to get built before winter sets in so we can use our back door, a yard to get cleaned up, and trees to straw. Of the 15 trees I planted this spring, we have only lost 3 so far, and I hope to keep it at that!

I am working on myself a lot these days. I am trying to find a solid footing to be able to words to my thoughts instead of in writing and in a blog; this is proving difficult. I am trying to rebuild myself to the person I want to be instead of who I have become. I am working on me, because I am the only one capable of fixing the things I don't like. I am working to find a middle ground that allows me to be me but still allows for responsibilities to be taken care of. I quit watching television years ago, and just lately, have found myself reading all the new articles online. That will be limited since most of them are all doom and gloom. I have enough of that...I don't need more! Television seems like a waste of time and energy to me. Neither of which I can spare much of anyway. I try to keep to myself, aside from these blogs, because I do not play well with others. I have given all I can give to others. I will help anyone, usually, anytime but this has caused me to be used and taken for granted. Not going to be happening anymore. I have things I enjoy and I have let go of them because it's easier, I can't keep letting go. My little family will always come first, but I can't be the best for them until I become the best for me.

It's a day of thoughts, still fighting with this annoyance at everything, and a headache to boot. It's time to reign in my stress before it takes complete control. Since my aggravation with everything is still firmly in place, I believe I will do something today that can be destroyed! :) I believe the first stop will be some aspirin! Maybe by the next coffee chat, I will be out of bitch mode! One can hope! ;-)

Salli