Accepting all of me.

I have had such an interesting week the past week. A range of emotions has ambushed me beyond anything I have felt in years. I have decided to attempt to share some emotions, through words. I can promise you that my words will never come close but they will be the best I have to express.

This week past drug me through a ringer. I have attempted to understand and not hold a grudge against someone I once called a friend, only to have a few of my most basic requirements for a friend, shattered! I hold loyalty, honesty and trustworthy; in high regard for people I call true friends. When these basic requirements are abuse, or taken for granted, I have no problem wiping my hands of those people. Being betrayed, outright lied to and left feeling stupid for trusting such a person; tends to cause me to question my own judgement. That's a hard to pill to swallow, when you follow your gut on most things.

I have questioned my judgement with this person for a while now anyway, from too many things being done that I didn't agree with. Moving on to family issues, has also caused some major upheaval in my emotions for a while. Very rarely do I ever ask for help, speak openly about any of my thoughts, or voice an opinion unless asked. All I ever ask for is loyalty, honestly, and keeping a confidence when I do speak out. I want to know the ones I trust to talk to aren't going to be blabbing my most personal thoughts to anyone or everyone. I don't believe that's asking too much, since that's what I give in return.

As my past week drew to end, I learned a pretty tough lesson. NEVER discount your gut feelings. If your gut is screaming that there is an issue, address it! This is one of the most primal or simplest bullshit detectors you could have. When I have actually listened to my instincts, they have been 100% accurate. Unfortunately, I have this convoluted idea in my head, that the nagging gut feeling is something to be discounted if it goes against what I am wanting at the time.

I am a little too earthy for most, and have a very complex personality that has only been seen by a couple of people, my entire life. I can adapt to any situation if I choose to, and rarely let anything or anyone get in the way of something I really want. The complexity of my personality tends to take on a life of its own when I feel discouraged, unhappy, lonely, or have not taken adequate time to take care of myself. When I venture into something that does not feel right in my soul, everything feels wrong, and overwhelming. Everything becomes a chore, everything becomes a challenge, and nothing feels fulfilling. I am always wanting more of something. Not material items, I want depth. I to be around people that can put words to emotions, that aren't afraid of emotions that seem to bubble up from the deepest part of their soul, and people that are happy within their own skin! I'm not impressed by material items, people who are fake, or societies status labels. None of that means anything.

As I am finding my way back to the person I have spent many years burying who I really am to adapt to my environment, I am learning so much more about me, as a person. Accepting the fact that I am an earthy person, was the first step. I never envisioned a label for myself. I love the outdoors, love hiking, love bonfires, and finding something beautiful in every piece of nature. I am not a religious person, but have a very strong faith in the Universe as my guide. I don't believe in good or bad luck, but simply the outcome of our thoughts. I believe that everything is a living being, even if not living in the sense of humans or animals. I don't wish harm or ill health on anyone, although my temper tends to become pretty overwhelming and I'm not afraid to defend myself physically if I must. I love to dance as my form of expression, and it does not matter what style of dancing, you will find a light in me when I am dancing that is unique to that part of who I am. I care too much about people I probably shouldn't; and will not usually turn anyone away if they are needing to talk. If I was alone in this world, I would be a very minimalist person, never staying in one place for very long, and wanting to experience all life had to offer. I have no problem transitioning from jeans and boots, to heals and a formal. I really kind of love the idea of dressing up occasionally, but love my shorts and flip-flops too. I'm not ashamed of my body, as so many women are today. I don't wear makeup or believe I have to have my hair and nails done to perfection to be pretty. I have plenty of physical flaws, but they are what make me, well, ME! Scars, stretch marks, and yes, even cellulite are all part of my physical appearance. However, my physical appearance just adds to me. I'm a take it or leave it type of person. I have always been pretty decisive, until lately. I am who I am, and you can either accept me as I am or not, but once I walk away, I'm done. I'm a thinker. I love deep conversations, and thinking beyond conventional wisdom. I love sitting around a bonfire laughing and talking with friends, even though most people are too busy; I haven't given up hope that this will happen again. I miss the close friendships I once had and depended on. I miss the guys and gals that never dealt with jealousy, and had no problem putting an arm around a friend and telling them that they loved them, without any misguided thoughts. I miss the nights I went dancing, and would dance with whomever, just to dance. i love the quite nights at home, cuddling on the couch and falling asleep in the arms of the one I cared for. I miss being that care free.

I'm watching my children grow, knowing that they are seeing an uptight, over-stressed Mom, who has become very discouraged. They don't have the privilege of seeing who their Mom really is through the constant stress. I zip from one project to another, making the best of what I can, and crying over the rest. They know my strength through my strongest convictions, but the softer side has been vanishing more and more with each passing year. The softer side that once believed in relationships, romance, and letting my soul carry me where I was supposed to be is rapidly dying. I have a very strong disbelief of "happily ever after," but I do believe that there is someone out there for everyone. I believe that when you find a kindred spirit, you know, and that kindred spirit allows both to excel to be all they were meant to be. I don't believe in forever. I believe in moments of time. Forever, to me, is unrealistic and not logical. I believe the spirits of our ancestors remain with us to guide us, if we just pay attention. I love to take time to ground myself, every chance I get, by walking barefoot in the dirt or grass. I love my yoga time when the house is quiet, and so is my mind. I am sharing as much of my earthy side with my kids, as I can with the stress that keeps accumulating.

I am finding my way back to the woman that I once loved, as I was. Without excepts, without finding every flaw, without the words of any other person to belittle my beliefs. It's taking time, and the difficulty of facing stresses every day, has slowed the movement forward without doubt. I have spent so many years allowing other people to dictate my worth, without knowing who I really am, that now I am so much less than I could be. I am slowly finding my confidence, my voice to stand on my own 2 feet, allowing my soul to guide the paths I am taking; even through the stress, I am getting there. I have received so many supportive messages from old friends, that it truly brings a smile to face when I get them. I am reconnecting with some that have meant the most to me. I love logging into my email or social media accounts, to get amazingly supportive, funny, and sometimes eye-opening emails. I love the text messages and social media chat messages that have made me feel closer to everyone and everything I once knew. I have met some remarkable people locally, through social media, but I am always thrilled to see and hear from people I have known most of my life. Being so far away from friends, and my own family, has become more difficult over the years. Through all the celebrations, and some loss; it's those that I want to share everything with. It's those 300 miles away that I always wish to be around, which makes living just far enough away, feel very lonely.

The darkness that seemingly crept into my life, I don't believe really did. The more I have evaluated, reread my journals and blogs, and took a long hard look at reality; I believe it's just been building. It came to a head, about 4 years ago. I believe the Universe has done what it needed to do, to get my attention, when I chose to not listen my gut instincts. Instead of listening to a nagging feeling, I chose to clam up and through the years, all but shut completely down. The past 4 years have pushed to me tears about daily, dealing with unresolved situations and emotions. It has forced me to step away from the every single situation, issue, and stress; to look with real seeing eyes. It is forcing me to deal scars from my past, and present; that I thought I could bury forever. It has opened my eyes to this person I've become, and really don't like. I have allowed my iron clad control to slip so much, that I actually wanted to punch someone. I have let the many situations forced on me, to change me into a much colder person. I don't like it! I don't like feeling that one small event, may send my temper into orbit. I don't like feeling the world crumble beneath me, and that I can't do anything about it. Even though I have some great friends, I have not been as open with them as I once was. I don't trust anyone anymore. I keep waiting for the day that something I have said to someone, in a moment of being true to myself, will come back to me completely misconstrued and bit me in the ass again. I wait for the moment that some stupid rumor will begin about me, even though NO ONE is close enough to me, to know anything personal. Unfortunately, I have crawled into a shell that will be difficult to climb out of. I have bitten off more than I can chew on many occasions in my life. I have allowed others to treat me poorly just to keep a slight bit of social interactions in my life. I have let go of absolutely everything that has always made me who I was, and want to be again.

It's some strong insight that I have dealt with not just this weekend, but for several years now. There are some very real situations I am still trying to figure out how to navigate. One thing I have regained, is my belief that, there isn't anything I can't do, once I set my mind to do it. I may stutter a bit while finding my way, but I will find my way, and be stronger than I have ever been. I will also pay a lot more attention to those gut feelings, and maybe save myself anymore wasted time, trying to fix a broken soul later on.

I will be whole again, without feeling so lost, lonely, and way off course. I just need to be true to myself, and know that I am not conventional. I am not a carbon copy of anyone....I am unique, a one-of-a-kind, person. I am learning to accept me as I am, and hopefully, the day will come that I never have to try so hard to stay true to myself.