Today I feel strong

"Today I feel strong. Today I am ready to face my demons. Today I am ready to be me!"



As strength goes, you have to build it. You have to work to maintain it. Without constant effort, you will lose it. Today, I feel strong enough to say, do and be who I am. Today I am accepting all of the quirks, the struggles, the lessons learned, and the emotions, that make me who I am.

I began writing this blog today, and everything I had wrote just disappeared, right before my eyes. In the blink of an eye, an hours worth of typing, just vanished. I began to get mad and quit writing for today, but I don't want to. I want to get my thoughts, and realizations down where I can go back to read them on my weak days. I want to get so much out of my head that has left me feeling confused, and finally bringing me to where I am today. Finally feeling strong enough to accept them, write about them, and eventually talk about them. I need these blogs as a release for the constant thoughts running through my head, for a means of piecing together all the unhappiness, loneliness, and sadness that I have felt for so many years now.

Learning about myself through this part of the journey in my life has been frightening. I have always had to be the strong person. I was the oldest child, and expected to set a "good" example for my younger siblings. I spent years being the responsible one, looking out for my younger siblings, never doing anything that would not be respectful. While I am still a strong, responsible person; I am so much more. Being strong and independent was not an option for me.

I have always hated that people use their past as a crutch. Rather than using misfortunes or mistakes as lessons to better themselves, they used them to never go beyond where they are. For me, it would be so easy to blame so much on my past. It would be easy to say that since my adolescent years sucked, my early adulthood sucked, and so much of myself has been repressed; that I will never be more than I am today. Well guess what?!?!?! That will not be the case! It would be easy to blame my parents, the jackass that forced sex on me, failed relationships, failed marriage, and being unhappy; on everyone else. You know, I am not going to do that! I will say that many lessons I have learned throughout my life, have been harsh. Some have left me alone in dealing with aftermath, some have left me with some pretty deep scars. To this day, there are feelings, that are surfacing that make me gasp for breath when they pop up. You want to know what everything that has happened in my life has taught me? It's taught me that I am strong and capable, I am above and beyond all of it, I still have plenty of ice in my veins, and I am so much more than I am allowing myself to be. It's because of so many wounds as a younger person, that I am piecing so much of myself back together again and pulling myself out of the dark abyss that has consumed almost 4 years of my life. It's because of those lessons that I know, without a shadow of doubt, I can do and be anything I want to be. It is because of those lessons, that I will no longer be allowing people to use me as a doormat, battering ram, or scape goat again. It's also because of those lessons, that I will keep my walls up, attempt to keep my emotions in check, and will walk away from anything that makes me feel less than I am. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, and I am a little too wild for my surroundings; but I can not continue to repress who I really am to keep peace or make someone else more comfortable.

I have allowed myself to become someone I do not know, or like. I have allowed others to believe that treating me disrespectfully is ok even when they yelling that I am disrespectful. I have allowed others to take advantage of the kindness I try to show, and I have enabled others to guide my path through life. By continuing to allow others to dictate my path, I am in the most basic of senses, allowing others to tell me that I will only be as good as they allow me to be. I have essentially placed my happiness in the hands of people, for years, that have no right to have it. Well, I am taking it back!

I am taking back my right to be happy, to be me, and to be accepting of all that I am. I will never give my right to happiness away again. I am taking control of the wheel, and steering it back to the path I want to be on. I am facing more of my demons every day, and I am letting go of those that want to hold me back. I have always said, but gotten away from it, I can be your best friend if you are loyal, honest and treat me with respect; or I can be your worst nightmare if you cross me. I guess to some degree, the Ice Princess is back. All those that have and continue to treat me like crap, you are about to get a dose of your own medicine. I have been a door mat for far too many years. I will not hesitate to call out bullshit when it happens, I will not hesitate to demand respect if you choose to be around me or my kids. I refuse to continue allowing my children to see how to enable bad behavior! What they see is what they will believe to be acceptable when they are adults, and what I have allowed is NOT acceptable for anyone!

I feel strong today, even though I know there will be days that I won't feel so strong. I am learning to accept my quirky personality, my tendency to be different from everyone else, and my wants for something more. I am tired of settling just to fit in with what is considered acceptable. I am not going to continue allowing people to make me feel like I am never good enough, because I am. I am so much more than anyone realizes. Being realistic about what I have overcome in my life, is just the first step. I have not only survived every single issue, I am stronger and a better person because of it.

Life in my eyes is about to make some hard lefts! Although I did not get where I have been in a day, and I know I will not be able to change everything in a day, shit is about to get real. I have talked to my husband until I'm sure he's tired of hearing it, trying to piece so much together. Guess what, Honey?! It's falling together. Piece by frustrating piece. I have pushed myself for so many years to try to be good enough for my family, to set a good example for my siblings, to fit into families I have been married into, to have people in my life that were real and true. All that has gotten me is stress, never feeling good enough, always feeling like nothing to anyone, always placing my own wants/needs behind everyone elses, and essentially becoming a door mat. So many "light bulb moments," have kicked me in recent days. I haven't even been able to share pieces of these with my husband but I'm sure he will understand this blog completely.

I am not the hermit I have become. It's become the lesser of evils that dealing with other issues. I am not this emotional train wreck that has taken hold of me for almost 4 years. I am not the settling type. I am also not the type of person who just blends in to avoid making waves. I have very strong opinions, I am educated, I have my own beliefs, I am a free spirit. I don't like being chained down, and feeling like I can't fly. I want to explore, experience new things, revisit some old experiences, I want to share my love of learning and adventuring with my kids. We have a home base, there's no reason not to venture into some new experiences. There is no acceptable reason to limit their thinking because of my fear of causing a ruckus.

I'm ready to make waves(having a beach would be nice too!), and begin living again instead of just existing! I am ready to accept all the good, bad and ugly of who I really am. I am tired of keeping quiet, keeping my thoughts to myself, and not truly living. I know there will be people and situations that will piss me off. I know there will be times it won't be easier to just keep quiet. I also know it will take some time to get my family adjusted to and accepting of who I really am. It will be an adjustment for me as well.

A remark made to me about 10 years ago, has stuck with me, and rings truer today than ever. The potential employer commented:"It seems you've held several jobs." ME: "yes, I would go where the work and money were." Employer: " So, you were always looking for more?" Me:"Well, yes, and pay checks that didn't bounce." Employer:" Well, we need someone stable, who is willing to work and stay put. Not someone who will move on for better pay, or better hours. We need someone willing to settle on this job alone." Well, all these years, this conversation has stuck with me. Even though I shrugged it off, and said it didn't matter, I didn't want the job anyway, it has affected me. I was trying to figure out how wanting to better myself was a bad thing. How "settling" on one job could possibly be beneficial to me, and how never looking for more or better would allow people to feel stuck. Would that job have been the one that would have kept me happy, maybe. Was I upset with the conversation as it occurred? Yes! I felt belittled for trying to find my place in this world. I was already a fish out of water living in an unknown world, this country/farm world I was living in, was not me. I was playing the part of a homemaker, that I didn't have the smallest of inkling to do. I wanted my office job, traveling, seeing the world. But I had a child and that just wasn't acceptable, to keep that kind of job. I was trying to hold myself, my marriage and the world I was living together. That job would have helped to some degree, not only financially, but also for my own self-esteem. After that conversation, I began to question everything I felt and thought I knew. I guess, all these years that conversation has stuck with me, trying to remind me that I am not like most and am so much more than small minded thinking. Having a business mind, is great, but it won't do much good when you don't have an open mind.

Now, as I deal with moving beyond this pathetic existence I have allowed and get back to actually living, I am feeling strong enough to do. This has been one hell of a road to travel, but I believe I am growing exponentially from it. Even the hurt, sadness and frustration of piecing together everything that come up, has helped me grow and accept me for all I can be. I am more than a drop in the ocean, I am the ocean in a drop!

Making waves,
Salli