Coffee Chat

Grab your coffee, this is going to be interesting coffee chat. So much is happening, so many things have happened. It's time to venture into the chaos the has enveloped my mind.

Sometimes, it takes the loss of a loved one to put a few of life's idiocies into perspective. It's a mind opening change to see a different perspective. It can also change the out comes of issues you once saw.

Although the recent loss was not a biological family member, it was my best friends dad. Her parents always had their door open to me, and to so many friends. It was the loss, the visitation and visiting with so many friends and family members that had all crossed paths with a remarkable family that had unconditional love for their children; but also for each of the friends of those children, that once again changed my perspective.

I think when we are young people, we have this very definitive perspective, everything was black and white. There was not much room for any middle ground. We boldly follow the beliefs we are taught, and those examples that are set for us. What we don't realize as young people, is the grey matter or middle ground, is so much bigger that we could possibly have guessed. I, for one, can tell you, as a young person, there was no grey area for me. Everything was pretty cut and dry. If someone did something, they were either right or wrong. There was no room for exploring why that person chose to do what they did. There were no explanations to explain a choice, it was right or wrong.

As I have gotten older, I have learned that the middle road is much larger than, the black and white combined. While the initial reaction to a choice may appear right or wrong, there is usually more to the decision made. Whether it's a lesser of two evils choice, choosing to chase a happiness, or just allowing yourself to be happy; there is always more to a decision and story.

It's a right of passage, I believe, as we get older. The ability to be able to see beyond a surface situation. Unfortunately, that can create a chaos of thoughts, for those that have the ability to be empathetic. Too many times, it's easier for people to choose the road of shutting down emotions or becoming too cold to care about anyone/anything outside of their own issues. Sure, we all can become pretty self-absorbed from time to time, but when you become so desensitized by life, you really miss out. There are people out there, that choose to actually feel their emotions. Some will call them too sensitive, or thin-skinned, but that's really not the case. Those people are the ones that accept what they are feeling, and truly feel. Many of us, have let the harshness of life, desensitize us and make us cold.

The grey area or the middle ground that I mentioned earlier, is something I am seeing so much of anymore. Sure, there are those easy areas that you can make a choice and it's not really a big deal, but I am talking about much bigger choices. The ones that will truly change your life, in one sense or another. Those decisions that really big, and can be a make or break, in any area of your life; career/job, education, or relationships. Occasionally, it's these tough decisions that cause us to have to take a step back, and truly evaluate everything. I am personally looking at several of these, in my own life, right now.

The middle of the road makes you feel a little wishy-washy, if you are like me. I am an action kind of person. I can make a decision, and am ready to take action, most of the time. I'm not good at the sitting around, waiting for something happen game. If I see a problem, I want to fix it...so, I go into analytical mode, and start weighing all odds. Once I find a reasonable solution, I want to jump on it and make it happen, by whatever means is necessary. Now, when it comes to analyzing decisions, the middle of the road is just a starting area. It becomes that diagram with the circle of bubbles with options, or the line charts with arrows pointing from one answer to the next. For me, it includes weighing my odds, through the pros/cons lists. It's mapping everything out on paper until I find a solution that makes sense, fits what we need, or find the lesser of the possible evils. I research, everything! I want facts to work with, not just thoughts, emotions or here-say. I don't handle being blind sided well, and tend to become a massive bitch when I am.

Spending just 4 hours with some great friends, and some of them I consider family, once again, has allowed my mind a clearer path. I am very hard on myself in everything I do, and am. I am critical of my own flaws, never have felt "good enough," for so many of my greatest wishes, desires, or even wants. I have enough flaws I could fill a notebook! However, somethings I realized in the last few days, has been yet another turning point in my journey. Sure I have plenty of flaws, but I have some good qualities that can, at least help weigh out some of the flaws. I'm not an overly judgmental person, and I do tend to look for other areas to explain choices that are made. I look beyond old hurts to try to find answers for decisions that were made, and I don't ever hate any one. I am my own worst critic, without a doubt! I have allowed others to manipulate me, make decisions for me, and use guilt trips to push me where they want me. I have never set very many boundaries with anyone. Sure, the people that have known me most of my life, know how head-strong, determined and stubborn I can be. However, if someone says they need me, it's difficult for me to tell someone "No." I don't ever want anyone to have to experience the hurt, loneliness or sadness that I have known. It's a character flaw. It's who I have been most of my life. I have always tried to be everything to everyone, and I end up being the one hurt in the end. It's my own fault, and I know this. I know I am willing to be the go-to person for everyone, and rarely is there anyone for me to go-to, without some kind of catch.

Most of my long time friends knew the outgoing and very vocal person I was in my younger years. What no one realizes now, is that, even though I would love to be that person again...I'm not, right now. I have become this hermit. One who is most comfortable in or around my home, one who is terrified to drive anywhere, one who feels that every flaw - both emotionally and physically is not only visible but completely repulsive to others. A person who loves to socialize but needs solitude too. All of this while still feeling that if need be, I could take on this world alone, if I had to. Talk about a myriad of emotions! Sure, I can get together with close friends and they help calm the chaos, but there are so few I trust to divulge my deepest emotions, that it's easier to just deal with them alone. I can try to explain them to my husband but he doesn't understand all of what I am trying to tell him and he has his own issues to deal with. I never want to be a burden for anyone, so I keep to myself. I have always been more sensitive than most. I have worn my heart on my sleeve more times than not, and yes it's been torn to shreds. I've listened to friends share their stories, and many of them have situations ten times worse than I do. I'm not unhappy per se, but restless.

I have a free spirit trapped in responsibility driven mind, and a gypsy soul. I have a need to control the life around me, to avoid any hitches, to avoid being hurt, and to avoid being blind sided. I take my responsibilities very serious, but need to remember that life is more than just busting ass and paying bills. I am a worrier. I don't handle not having answers, or not being able to fix a problem, if it should come up unexpectedly. I need measured stimulation, until I can dig out of being the hermit I have become. Do I like being at home all day everyday? Not on your life! I need to be out doing things, but that comes after taking care of responsibilities. After the responsibilities, and the emotional drain of day after day slipping by, and still being a hermit; I am too drained to make the changes I know need to be made. It has become a mundane existence, and there is more to life...I know, I have experienced so much more! I spent 15 minutes in a mall this weekend, it was the most out of character thing I have done in forever...and guess what? IT WAS FUN! I didn't spend a dime, and many of the stores were closing but I don't go to malls! I hate shopping. However, taking the short amount of time, to just sight see was amazing. I felt more alive than I had in years. Being in the rush of bigger towns, although a bit mind boggling, brought life back to me. Sure, it was frustrating having to locate places and not remembering how to get around, but it was still a rush of excitement.

It was a reminder that I had been there and done that...it has just been many years. Those kinds of things aren't things I need to do regularly, but it was a reminder that there is life out there, and I could live it, if I so chose. It was a reminder that I can be a "people person," when I need to be. It was facing several fears, and learning that I am limiting myself because of fear. Spending 11 hours on the road, so I could be with my best friend and one of the families I adopted as my own, for a few hours,was priceless to me. None of those fears meant anything, when it came to being with those I love. The unconditional love that family showed each other, and all of us that spent time with them, helped to make me who I am. The memories of things we did, the times we had all together, and the 25 years since; are worth more to me than anyone could possibly know!

All of this is just another reminder of how short life really is, what true friends are worth, and how much of an impact others can have on your life. It's a reminder of that memories can resurface in an instant to remind us of what is important. It's a reminder of how people with good and kind hearts can truly make a difference to others.

The interesting part of all of this now comes into play, how to differentiate between fear, real, worry and what can be fixed, changed or made better. How to make the necessary changes, to make life better. Can it be done? I'm sure it can, somehow. Having experienced so much restlessness over the years, the result has been to fear everything. Taking those necessary steps out of my own comfort zone, has become a must. The restlessness is a result of subduing my own needs in lew of making everything better for everyone else. I know this, but changing it, has become the hard part.

It's interesting to think about the possibilities, but without making a conscience effort, all it is is a wish. I need to find a way to keep my own needs met, while still being what I can to others. My heart has a giving nature, so it's difficult to tell someone no when they need something. There in poses a conflict when others are asking for more than they are giving and I, myself, won't ask for what I need.

Experiencing the middle road of so many thoughts, I'm learning that the grey area is so much larger than I ever believed. It covers every aspect of life. While some decisions may seem wrong, or far fetched...they may be the catalyst to what is needed. Some decisions may seem rushed or out of character, but we don't always know the thought or situation in which a decision has been made. It's important to remember not to judge a book by its cover. There is so much more depth, if you are willing to look. There is so much more meaning, behind every decision made, that many of us may not realize.

Thank you all, again, for being my venting posts, especially in these coffee chats.

Salli

Stuck like glue

Imagine fixing something that has broken, of course, you have to use glue. You put your thin strip of glue, affix the broken pieces, and voila...your fingers are now glued to the once broken object. You pull your fingers free, and BAM! Now, your fingers are stuck together. Sure, you fixed whatever was broken, but now you have another issue. Unless you are using the elementary school glue, you have a battle to get the super glue stuff off your fingers so they are sticking to everything!

This becomes the typical scenario in life. You intentionally fix one problem, but create several others. Not by being careless, or ill prepared, but by default. Anyone who has ever used glue, knows that stuff always makes a mess. Life has a way of throwing the super sticky glue at you to see how you will complete the task.

For me, I dread having to glue anything! I know as soon as I break out the tube of glue, there is going to me stuff glued everywhere...except where it's supposed to be. I will fix whatever has gotten broken, and set it somewhere "to dry safely," only to find out it has stuck to the paper towel, my fingers, the counter top, and a near by cup! Then it's a race to clean up any "sticky" area before it dries. Then of course, it's already drying and becoming a permanent set on whatever I may have missed. It's a mess, it's a pain, and it's frustrating.

Much the same in life, is the path of resolve, intent, and results. Most people look to make the best decisions, have the best of intentions, and want positive results. However, sometimes that crazy glue, gets everywhere. It wasn't their intent to have such a mess, but it happens. Being a little too careless, not paying close enough attention, or making a reaction to the mess instead of making a result. Even those with the highest of intention and usually making the decisions can mess up. It's not intentional, it's not for lack of good decisions. It's usually a result of not paying close enough attention, or reacting at a time when they should have taken a few deep breaths.

Now, after a few rash decisions, you find yourself in the mess of feeling stuck. You have neglected to take proactive approaches, and continually reacted to whatever issue presented itself. Instead of taking those deep breaths, allowing some space to clear the air, and making a calm assessment; the overwhelming urge to fix it immediately took control. Some of those rash decisions can be turned around fairly quickly. Others though, aren't as easy.

This is a very general description of society today. Everyone feels stuck in some shape or size. Whether it's their career, home, education, marriage, or just the same old way of thinking; more and more people are feeling stuck. They are seeking acknowledgment to validate themselves, they seek out recognition for accomplishments to feel good about themselves, and/or they do things believing them to be the best because that's what they have always done. No matter how you look at it, people are constantly seeking validation. There are so few anymore that are content within themselves, that they don't need that validation. Sure we all love to get a pat on the back from time to time, but is that what drives you?

People seek out other people to make them happy. People seek out careers to please their family or friends. People seek out associations to further their social situations. People use each other to further themselves. Relationships fail many times for a lack of security or a lack of self. Careers take on a grudging and grueling day to day stress. Homes are bought to fill in gaps, or for the security of the moment, and rather than choosing a career education that you have a passion for, careers are chosen for the most income, for what the parents did or find acceptable, or to fit in what society thinks is appropriate.

How many of us have heard, "oh, it's a job," or "it's a job, you're not supposed to like it. It's there to pay for what you really want." When was the last time you did something you loved, and wondered what it would be like to do that for a living? Or IF you could do that for a living? When was the last time you didn't cringe to go to your job, didn't have to watch your clock for hours just so you could rush off to something else? When is the last time you turned off your electronics to enjoy the company of the people around you?

When was the last time you actually enjoyed life, even if there are a few stresses, when was it? I know for me stresses have been prevalent for quite awhile. I don't like having to constantly react to issue after issue. It makes me feel too stressed. However, there are times when I have had to make some rash decisions, not just to make them, but because of time deadlines, some issue going on in my life or for the purpose of trying to better myself or my family. It's time once again to make some tough decisions. I have spent the past several years hiding from my truth. I am not a typical type of person. Those who know me personally, are face palming their heads, laughing at that! I really never have been. I don't fit a stereo type of any social class. I think for myself, research until my fingers ache, make list after list of pros and cons for any major decisions, more lists for groceries, house contents, animals, wants/needs, you name...I have a list. I'm not afraid to try new things, but I have to feel they will be a better path than the one I am on. I love an adventure, but I love my routines too. I love my country life, but I love an occasional trip to the city. I love my jeans, but love to dress up too. I am happy sitting around a bonfire with a few friends but I'm happy dancing in some club with hundreds of people I don't know. I'm a walking contradiction, I'm told. Honestly, I just hate feeling limited, or restricted. On many things, I lose interest quickly. I have to be inspired to want to keep doing something. It's when I lose inspiration that I start falling into the terrible rut of what I call "Restricted Repetitive Ruts." When I say this, I mean those negative and poor thoughts, "it's the way it's done..I don't like it or agree with it, but it's better than fighting it." It's that horrible phrase I say, and others say as well, "it is what it is." When I say that, it's typically because I can't understand or explain something or it makes absolutely no sense to me. It becomes easier to explain away something by saying, "it is what it is," than try to change it.

We become stuck like glue to the comfort of repetition. Even if it means being miserable, in a dead end job or relationship, even if it means giving more of ourselves than we have to give. We feel stuck, and unable to change. Whether it's fear driven, financial driven or a lack of confidence in ourselves, it brings on more negativity. It causes people to stay in a career that is comfortable in the sense of a guaranteed paycheck, or is what others believe we should do. It causes relationships to become stale, or even broken because of the fear of stepping out of the known path...even if it could completely turn around that relationship. It causes people to stay their current path for fear of what has been driven into so many peoples heads...Failure. Let me tell you a little something about failure. Failure, to me, is not what people have come to think of today. Failure, to me, is when people refuse to try, for fear of not making something work. Failure does not mean you didn't make something work for you, failure is not trying period. Trying something, and not having it work the way you planned, that is simply a tool telling you to try a different route.

Why not try something new, if you aren't happy? I know I have heard a million excuses, and I have given a million reasons. Some of the biggest excuses include money, homes, relationships, and location. Guess what, if you are really wanting a change, wanting something different, the only one that can change it is YOU! You shouldn't feel stuck, or bad or even feel you have to apologize. If what you are doing isn't working, fix it! Take some time to decide what you are looking for, what want to experience, and where you want to be. We all know that finances will play a role in your decisions, but do not let them control your decisions. Even if you have to start something small scale, you can build up to it. Find a way to accomplish what you want, then work towards it!

The only reasons you are truly ever stuck, is because what you think you want, isn't big enough to push you out of your comfort zone. Don't be afraid to climb out of the ruts and bury those suckers! You deserve to be happy!

Unstuck,
Salli

An Incredible Journey

It's amazing to think of the different paths each of us must take to find our own directions. The people we meet, the geographic locations we cross and the very thoughts we think. I'm certain my own journey is no more significant than any other, but it's been remarkable to me. It's been full of hills, curves, loops and crevices. I've taken my readers on my journey for part of it. There have been several very dark corners encountered, and a lot of dark thoughts to work through. However, find my way out of that spiritual awakening has given me quite an amazing new path.

This "coming towards the light," time for me, has been hell. Although I talk to my husband about nearly everything, there are some thoughts I could never put words to, to make them come out right. There were times it took a tremendous effort to not run away from everything, when I felt I could no longer deal with it. He was patient and tried to understand, but until you find yourself in that hole, you can't understand. Until you have faced your demons, your fears, and your decisions, you really must accept your journey. However it may be presented to you. My journey included some poor decisions, some life altering situations I had to accept and deal with, and accepting people for who and what they really were.

When you given such a magnitude of situations, crashing down on you, it becomes overwhelming. In my case, it was years of situations, years of not dealing with them, and more emotions than I had dealt with in years. For the largest part of 29 years, I buried emotions. I held them within me, didn't show any more than I had to, and didn't want to deal with them. They made me feel vulnerable, and that was not something I was prepared to allow. By withdrawing as I did, I turned to controlling things, instead of things controlling me. It was easier to be the one to be strong, withdrawn, and cold. There were a handful of relationships that meant anything to me, and when they were rocky, I put up the proverbial walls. Years of turning off emotions, led to my own crash.

Over the course of many years, turning off emotions became easy. It was easy to be cold and distant. It was easy to be the one to walk away instead of the one to be walked away from. Honestly, it was easier to be the one not getting hurt. I hid emotions behind anger, aloofness, rebellion, and control. There were, as I said, only a handful, that ever saw much emotion from me. The few that did, were the ones I still trust today. Trust is not something I do easily. While some kids of divorce will tell you they can and do trust; I am one of those kids that went the other way. I became self-sufficient, I became withdrawn, I learned how to turn off emotion like a switch. I can still withdraw from a situation, and see it from an outside perspective.

I'm too old to place any of my current "flaws" on my parents because of their divorce, but I'm old enough to know that, kids grow up to reflect how they are raised and what fits into their lives as adults. Yes, my parents divorced killed my childhood, changed my entire view of life, relationships, and trust. However, as an adult, it was my job to create myself as a separate entity from my parents. Even though I did that when I ventured off on my own, it wasn't until my journey that I began to deal with some of the scars that came about from the ages of 11 until I broke away at 23. It took until that point to begin to find who I was. Then, I began changing to adapt to whatever situation I was in. Not all the changes were good, but not all bad either.

It took seeing several situations in my life, to see a pattern that not only resembled the one my parent's took, but one I was making as well. I didn't want that. I wanted to change the mold. I wanted to be a good person, a good parent, a good wife, and good at everything I did. I hate gossip, liars, and backstabbing. I dealt with too much of that. I wanted to be around good people, honest people, and people that held the same values and morals that I had developed. I learned I wanted to be around people that could grow my intelligence, grow my confidence, and were where I wanted to go in life. Unfortunately, there are some people that put on a good enough show, that you come across that are not even close to what you believe them to be. After a few of those, it hit me pretty hard that I couldn't see their true character.

It's unfortunate when you are faced with more a shit ton of issues, and it causes you to begin questioning everything you think, feel and believe. It's sad when someone you placed a trust in after several years, completely obliterates that trust in just a few hours. It became more than I knew how to handle. It sent me spiraling into the darkest place, I had ever been in, in my life. It became one of the most soul and spiritual awakenings of my life.

I have made it past the darkest days. I made it to see a brighter and more promising time. Sure, there are still areas I need to work on, but I don't dread waking up each day to see what new problem was going to be thrown at me. I am not dreading the "what if's" in my life anymore. I am not harboring any ill feelings towards anyone anymore. I have faced several demons that haunted me. I have learned how to face them, and release them to the universe. I have grown and matured a lot in the last 4 years. I am happy with direction I am heading now. I am sure of where I want to go with my life. I am proud of myself for dealing with this stage of my life in the best way I knew how.

This incredible journey through life, is a maze. I don't think there is really any true, right or wrong direction, but the direction we choose to take. That journey could be filled with hills, curves, good and bad; but it's the overall journey it's self that allows our spirit to fly, grow, learn and become more alive. It's through this incredible journey of mine, that I am learning what I want, what I need, and the people I want to include in my life. It's this journey that has helped determine the path I need to take, to fulfill my own needs in life.

While being selfish, is not something I have allowed myself. I have always put other peoples needs above my own. This is an area that I am still working on, but I do understand now, that you can keep giving when you are running on empty. I know my remarkable journey so far, is just beginning, but I also know the darkest days of my life are now past me. I remembered who I was, beneath the demands and needs of others. I accept and celebrate my uniqueness and free spirit. Accepting a part of yourself that has been buried for so long, is tough. I tried to be the proper wife, mom, etc. I buried the very person I was and liked to fit a mold that is not me. I will always put my children first, that's part of being a mom, but I am not always proper or even appropriate. I still love to dance, have a few drinks, and have to keep my wilder side somewhat tamed. I know it's there though, and it's not too far beneath the surface. My temper is still fully intact and simmering, also just below the surface. I'm letting go of what no longer serves me, what doesn't fit the path I am on, and the things/people that bring me stress and lower my vibrational energy.

I am doing for myself, what I should have done all along: I am listening to instinct. This incredible journey is getting lighter by by the day. My incredible journey is taking the steps, even when I can't see the entire staircase.

Feeling freed,
Salli

Everything to everyone

Well, here's the rap. Day in and day out you drag your butt out of bed. You have list upon list of things to get done. You have demands, requests, and several surprises thrown at you from every angle possible. You have phone calls, text messages, emails, letters and visits from others needing something from you. You are trying to be everything to everyone, all the time. Then, a day comes and you can no longer be that person. You can no longer be anything to anyone, and you shut down. All your emotions are quiet except the lone emotion of defeat. They broke you. The people, the stress, the constant chaos, has finally shut you down. You no longer care who is angry, who is upset, who needs you, and who just wants your time. Your mind becomes the only noise you hear. Too many questions, not enough answers, too many responsibilities, too many variables. Too much noise.



To speak of anger as the emotion, misses your mark. It's not frustration either. It's not being upset. It's just complete shut down. Sure all those emotions were there. Once. You spoke about them for a long while. You shared your thoughts, concerns, hopes, fears, and dreams. Deep down, you hope all that you are isn't dying with the noise. You hope that frustration, anger, or being upset won't be permanent. You hope the constant headache will eventually go away. How long can you hold on?

There's no fight left, it's not worth another headache. There's no anger that can be reached with any definitive grasp. Sure there's hurt, but even that has lessened has time has drug on. You have reached out for so long, held such a thin thread of hope for so long; you can't keeping holding.

You are angry, but more so at yourself. You have given more than you had to give, yet they keep asking for more. You have chastised yourself for allowing so much for so long. You finally get angry enough, you snap. You come to grips with the way things are. You will not ever have what you so long for, but the questions pummel you, can I keep going or should I let it go? Can I turn this situation around or has is gone too far? The anger sneaks back in. Why in the hell did you let this go so far off course, when you knew a long time ago, you didn't like the direction? How did you let an issue get so far out of control?

No matter what the situation, issue or problem; you begin to ask the same question: " How do I fix this?" Once again, the noise of thoughts begin to cloud up. The chaos of thought spins so many different scenarios, some are worst-case, some are best case...and some are just there. The thoughts, unspoken and free moving, become this vicious cycle. Especially, a cycle that appears to be on repeat mode.

Making decisions becomes almost impossible. Taking on anymore, is impossible. You can't talk to anyone about your issues, no one has time. Your own mental chatter just keeps running scenario after scenario, without any answers. Then, as if your already overwhelmed mind, takes on one more thing/issue/problem. You are seriously waiting for smoke and fire to come shooting out of the top of your head and your ears. You can't do this anymore! You have nothing left to give to anyone. You have no more of yourself, that hasn't already been taken over. You feel like one of those boneless fish, that just flutters around in the water. You mindless move through your day, finding or inventing new things to do, that require zero thought or you focus on thing that allows that frustration and anger to seep out.

Then your mind circles once again. "How do I fix this?" Well, the rap of this is just this, "you can't keep doing what you've always done, and expect different results." Well, now. Isn't this just frosting on a cake. So, now the question becomes, "Are you willing to make the changes needed, to get a different outcome?" Sure, some of them are terrifying. Some of them are not the most convenient, and some may even upset others. When is it time to do what is best for you?

When was the last time you were not stressed out, when you had more than just a couple of minutes of laughter or truly enjoyed something you were doing? When was the last time, your mind was quiet? When there wasn't thoughts of resentment, anger, fear, stress, or unfulfilled needs? When was the last time you had the time to just exist, without any demands or requests?

When you are continually giving to others, there isn't time to give to yourself. There isn't time to quiet your mind, or to unwind from any of the stresses we deal with on a daily basis. When you give all of yourself, to everyone else, there is nothing left to give of yourself to yourself. You become run down, overwhelmed, tired, exhausted, and mentally aloof.

So, now the questions pop up again, and it's time to grab the bull by the horns. It's time to fix whatever needs fixing and let go of whatever can't be. Use the anger, and determination to change your direction. Change the outcome of what is not working for you. "How do I fix this?" It's an age old question, I suppose. How do you fix it? Does it mean changing careers? Does it mean changing your location? Does it mean letting go people holding you back? Does it mean learning a completely different way of life? It could. This will be different for everyone.

There comes a point in life, when you have to stop being everything to everyone, while letting yourself slip by. There comes a time, when even the hardest decisions, can make or break every single scenario you think up. Some decisions will hurt, others will be saddening, yet you have to make the decisions that will work best for your own situation. You have a responsibility to your self first and foremost. This will upset others, and will fuel guilt trips and probably some manipulation from some. This isn't always done out of hate, it can be done out of despair. No one likes changes that include them, or lessen their inclusion to your life.

It's time to find a back bone, and make some tough decisions. Make the decisions, do what you need to and let go of the stress and mind chatter. Let go of whatever is holding you back from following your dreams, and living the life you deserve. Let go of negativity and self-harming conversations. If you want a change, you have to be willing to make a change.

Being everything to everyone, all the time, will be similar beating your head against a wall. Without doing the things you need, on a personal level, you will be resentful, angry, and bitter. This will cause health issues, relationship issues, and will cause an uprising in every corner of your life. It will only take one small issue to send your temper into orbit, and then what? You will not be any better for all you do. You will continue to be exhausted, tired, and resentful.

No one can or should be expected to be, everything to everyone. That is too much responsibility to bear, for anyone. Take time to fix your stresses, make the changes needed to change the outcome, and let go of anything or anyone that keeps too much grief in your life. It's just not worth it, no matter how much "love" there may be, when someone or something is the continual stress to you, it is not bettering you.

You need come one to compliment you, not complete you! You need someone to prove their love over and over in every way possible. You need to get the solutions decided on, that will allow you to let go of stresses. Let go of the negative thoughts, and fix them!

Being everything to everyone is exhausting. The next time you in the mirror, and you are not smiling, ask yourself why. The next time you are so exhausted you can't even hold your head up without some sort of medication, it's time to let stuff go. No matter how you do this, it's important to just eliminate the very things that are holding you back.

~S.

A coffee chat of grand proportions

Good morning, to my readers. This morning I want to have a little coffee chat. There is so much going on, Winter has reared it's head, and a multitude of areas that have me in deep thought. I hope you have your coffee pot going, and a cup in hand!

Where on Earth do I begin? For awhile, I could get on my social media news feed, and it was great. I would catch up with family and friends, and we'd share pictures and stories. Now, you get on there and it's an ambush of advertisements, a political firestorm of one candidate or another, bashing people or groups, the horribly biased news stories and very little "news" from those I care to keep in touch with. It's become depressing to get online. My inbox is full of political crap from both parties, my news feeds are full of B.S. I have no interest in, friends are bashing other friends because of political, medical, or lifestyle choices, and everyone seems to be stressed, sick, or depressed. Am I the only one that is seeing this? Am I the only one this is pissing off?

I don't care who people plan to vote for, everyone is entitled to vote for whom they feel would best suit their situation. Years ago, it was a subject that was not talked about. I can remember my grandparents saying that who they voted for was no one's business. That is my opinion as well. I will vote for whomever I feel is best for my own, personal situation. Not whom the media loves/hates, not whom some industry decides is best, and not whom someone in my social circle decides is the best. Personally, I think they are all liars, and choosing the lesser of evils is getting old. The majority of them making laws for all of us to follow, choose not to follow those laws, they all like to tell "the people" what they think will get them elected and then they sell out to some corporation anyway. They break laws, they cheat, they lie, they manipulate "the people" and for some stupid reason...some of these losers have been in office more than 10 years. Whatever. I do my American duty, and vote...but who I vote FOR, is no one elses business.



The medical side of life, is almost as repressed as politics! You have folks bashing others for treatments that work, forms of medicine, and even so far as the choices people make to vaccinate or not. Really?! Here's a thought, when there are treatments out there, that have been PROVEN to cure a disease, and it's made illegal or has to be in quiet because of shaming; there is a problem! We all know how expensive healthcare, medicine and medical treatment has become. We have been spoon fed, Western medicine. I grew up with one parent not ever going to the doctor, and the other going often. I have a serious distrust of medicine. I spent the better part of 10 years on allergy medicine, and being sick on a regular basis. I was to the point of having to take weekly allergy shots(that needed to be daily), taking antibiotics at least every 6 weeks...and was not getting better. Guess what? Western medicine is all about masking symptoms, not CURING the problem. If they actually cured a disease, they would loose business and most importantly money. Think about it. If they told you that 99% of all dis-ease could be cured with diet, raw and real food, it would cost them billions, at least! However, it's true! No, it's not going to fix all that ails you, over the course of a 7 day treatment, but you did not get sick overnight either! Most of illnesses people experience, comes on beginning with bad diets, over the course of years. Then you mix in the over zealousness of being clean freaks, throw in stress, and yes, current prescriptions...and you have a recipe for DIS-EASE. Our bodies, under the right conditions, are made to heal themselves. However, if we are not giving our bodies the fuel they need to fight the dis-ease, voila...you have illness symptoms. Then you go to a doctor, are given some diagnosis, and a prescription for some time of medication, and within 7 days; your symptoms are covered up. You know, the sad part? That's all it is. It's a cover up. The medicine does nothing more than mask the true illness. On the other hand, you have traditional or holistic medicine. You know, the type that has been practiced, some of from millions of years ago, that is shamed. Treating the whole person, and the symptoms as a whole. Tracking the symptoms to find the underlying problem, and fixing that problem instead of covering it up! Some of these "alternative" methods use herbs, diet and environment as a cure...but they can't tell you that. Western medicine has become so powerful that it withholds the true cures, and has fictitious scientific results fabricated to sell you more prescription drugs. Many of those drugs are for one problem, yet by taking those drugs, you are creating a handful of new problems. I hear so many tell me they can't afford to ear raw, organic foods. My first thought is always, "really? can you afford cancer?" Here's another kick in the ass. Your traditional healthcare insurance, 9 times out of 10, will not cover holistic or alternative medicine. So, rather than helping you truly get better, with better healthcare, they are keeping you sick and costing you, the state/federal healthcare programs, more money. What they don't tell you? The first step in getting healthy, is to change your diet! Quit counting calories, quit buying into the fat free/no fat crap, quit buying into the "natural" labels. All these things mean is that the dynamics of these foods have been altered, usually by chemicals, which you need to avoid! Raw, organic, unbleached, unprocessed foods; will inevitably begin your road to better health. Like I said earlier, it will not happen overnight...you didn't get sick overnight! One of the newer fights is with medical marijuana. While I have always stayed away from illegal drugs, this is not a drug folks. This is a weed/herb. This was outlawed because the Western medicine could not patent it and make money from it. This was outlawed because it cures diseases, not masks them! Western medicine can not make money from a cured disease. It's a pretty simple concept. I do not agree with the smoking of it, since the majority of benefits come from its oil, but smoking it does help when there isn't anything else available. I'm not going to get too much into the vaccine chaos, but from personal experience...It's dangerous! After almost losing my youngest to an "allergy" for the base of all vaccines, and watching my oldest suffer through horrible allergies and illnesses for a long time...I do not trust them, and refuse to subject my children to anymore of them. They are too precious to me to be used as experiments! If vaccines are so effective, those vaccinated would not be affected by any illness my non-vaccinated children would get!

Another medical are that irks me, is the constant labeling and inventing of new disease to sell more medication! The one that ticks me off most, is one that I first heard of about 5 years ago, or so. It's called "Seasonal Affective Disorder." Yep, you now have a disease, and are given medication for the Winter blahs. SAD as it's called, is nothing more being more tired because of a lack of sunlight, being more down because the nights are longer, and feeling stir crazy because you can't get outdoors as much. So, they give you a medication for depression. One, as all state, that could cause feelings of worthlessness, suicidal thoughts and death. Sounds like a great cure to me(insert sarcasm here!). Have any of you read the warning labels on your medicines? They are down right disturbing! To fix whatever is ailing you, they could cost you your life at worst, and cause a multitude of other side effects at best. There seems to be so many prescriptions taken, so much money being spent and for what? So, you can keep living a life that is full of crap food, costly and ineffective medicine, and living without intention. Doesn't make an ounce of sense to me, even though I lived that way for the first half of my life. Since then, I have educated myself, and questioned everything. While I try to keep most controversial stuff to myself, I will not argue something I have no proof on. So, keep that in mind.

My curiosity is always in full motion. I always question everything, and I always have a plethora of questions. However, lately, I'm seeing a bit differently on some areas. Unfortunately, for many years, I was very narrow minded when it came to relationships, love, marriage, and they whole fairy tale of romance. I guess, until very recently, I had become the skeptic. I wasn't able to find a middle ground really. Most of my regular readers know, the past year, was filled with a lot of divorces among friends and family, in my life. It was filled with too many mixed emotions to count and a renewed skepticism in relationships as a whole. I'm still on a ledge with the whole "forever" thing. I don't believe in forever, in anything. I do however, believe that we have moments that help us to move closer to our purpose. I believe that everyone we meet, is meant to be in our lives, in one sense or another...even if it's not "forever." From a child's eyes, I saw what affairs did to a marriage. I grew up seeing what holding a marriage together for the children was like. I grew up with fighting, arguements, and seeing what alcoholism looked like. I grew up with step-parents that I didn't approve of or agree with. I swore, I would never put my children through what I went through. I grew up knowing that even if my own marriage was falling apart, I would do whatever necessary to make sure they knew it was not their fault, that my own kids would never be forced to take care of each other while the parents did their own thing, they would never have to live with constant fighting or bad mouthing by one parent or the other, and that there would never be people raising my children besides their dad and I. I was starchly against affairs, and saw absolutely no reason for them. I always said that if there was unhappiness by one or both of the adults that it would make more sense to just divorce rather than to stay married and end up hating each other, I never wanted to be one of those parents that was so miserable that my kids became the reason I stayed in a bad marriage. I was stronger than my parents, or so I believed. I was a better parent, a better person, more dedicated, more whatever; than my parents. Guess what?! That's not what it was even about. It's not a matter of being better, having more morals or even a different outlook. It's about doing the best you can, doing what you feel is right, being the best you can be...for you AND your kids.

I took a pretty hard left turn. I became a MAJOR skeptic in relationships and marriages, as a whole. My own marriage has been a roller coaster ride, of epic proportions. It's had some major negatives, and some massive positives. It's had arguing, fighting, loving, caring, being distant and being tight. It's had times I could have easily walked away and never looked back, but it's had times when I could imagine my life without my husband. However, even as independent as I am, I want someone in my life that wants to be there. I don't ever want to have to dependent on anyone, but having the trust in another person to be there, if you need them, is a little refreshing. I have fought to keep my independence. I have fought to not be like my parents. I have fought to not become a statistic of the generation of divorce. Although I know divorce has been around for a long time, growing up, my parents were part of a generation that got divorced, and a few went through it multiple times. My parents were the first I knew of in my class, to divorce. It was devastating. It changed me, and the direction I went with life. I floundered to find my way after their divorce. I didn't really fit anywhere for a long time...if ever. I am different than most, I know that. I didn't fit with my mom, we fought a lot. I didn't fit with my dad anymore, he had a new girlfriend to keep his time. Several friends no longer spoke to me because they didn't know how to deal with my parents being divorced. I was the oldest child, and expected to always set a "good example" for the younger ones. So, anytime I did anything that was not "right," I got the guilt trips, and told to quit acting like one parent or the other. So, accepting that some of the friends I was closest to, didn't want to be around me anymore, was eye opening. Accepting that no matter what I did, it was going to be wrong in the eyes of one parent or the other. So, I acted out. While I was usually responsible, I did what I could to get their attention. Whether it was sneaking around to do something I was told not to, or playing the game of being what each set of parents expected of me when I was with one or the other. I was rebellious, but not. I never did drugs, but I did drink some. I spent most of my time with 2 of my best friends in high school, dancing and being involved in school activities. After high school, I bought the whole, "forever and fairy tale," Bullshit. I got married right out of high school to a guy who treated me good, but we were too young and I was too expectant to make it last. I wanted the fancy wedding, the fairy tale romance, the high school sweetheart crap. It wasn't meant to be though. He was a nice guy, decent to me, but it would never have worked. There were a lot of issues that neither of us were ready to deal with. However, I don't hate him, never did. I just couldn't see it lasting...so I left. I was lucky to meet several great people between my first marriage and my second. Some turned out to be major problems, but a few will always hold a piece of my heart. I can only think of 2 people I dated, that I have quit talking to, completely. One because of drugs and physical abuse. The other, just because he wasn't meant to be in my life. I don't believe in jealousy, there fore, I don't understand when a few have stated that their girlfriends/wives didn't want them talking to me. In my eyes, I've been there, done that, it didn't work...I won't be trying it again!

With all the experience and "don't want to do that agains," I have learned a lot about my own views. I'm not narrow minded anymore. My views include more grey areas, than black/white. I no longer believe affairs have to end a marriage...even though it does end a level of trust. I don't believe that arguments are really all bad or good...they clear the air and maybe open a door for discussion. I think communication, intelligence, and open mindedness are highly attractive. While looks may be what draws you into a relationship, it absolutely must include something so much bigger. I think too many people step into relationships when children are involved from another relationship, with a need to replace the other other parent, or at least make themselves try to look better. Not necessarily conscientiously, but in an attempt to establish themselves as an authoritative figure. Especially when the children, go out of their way to show their dislike or them or the situation. I don't believe in one spouse or another saying who one can talk to. That is control, jealousy and a self esteem issue in my eyes. I don't believe in fairy tales, but I do want to believe in romance and a marriage that is more than comfortable companionship. I think people that really make an effort with each other can have the romance, fun, deep conversations, and connections. I think love and marriage can be a beautiful thing, when it's right. I don't believe that relationships have to be so taxing, they cause more stress than happiness, if it's with the right person. I don't believe that all relationships are meant to be for forever. I believe we are given moments of time, when the people in our lives, are meant to be there. Even though, that may not always be the case.

Having spent several years now, trying to find the source of my restlessness, and trying to find not only my way but also where I fit...has been a huge struggle. I was taken to my knees by a friendship that was not two-sided, and that was the straw that broke the camels back, initially. Someone I trust, used me, and couldn't understand what upset me. While that was NOT the beginning of a self-discovery mission, it was a big turning point. It threw me into a several year battle with some pretty dark emotions. It left me feeling used, betrayed, and cynical all over again. As I thought I was finding my way out of that mess, I had another situation just recently, that was truly that catalyst that pushed me back to the mind set of just being me. There is a pretty deep well of thoughts, emotions and personality traits; that make me who I am. Finding that even though I get angry, and hold a grudge; doesn't change the fact that I still care and have some compassion. Being upset and taking the time I need to find the right words, has become a necessity to me. Too many times, I have spoke before thinking and ended up regretting it later. I am a bit of a free spirit, gypsy, and loner. I love to dance, but I love to sit in the quiet and read. I love being with groups of friends, but I love one-on-one time too. I am overall, a positive person, but I won't deny having some negative thoughts as well. I don't care what people think of me, but it bothers me to hear rumors about myself that are either cmplete crap or only half truths. Speaking of which, I HATE lies. I may not want to hear the truth, and you may not either; but I'm going to speak the truth as I know it, and expect the same respect. I love to have some adventures, and explore new areas...but I need a home base. I don't really fit in any one area anymore. I'm not the town/city kid I was growing up, and I'm not exactly the farmer/homesteader that I live now. I'm a little of both and a little of neither. I can find my way in any situation, once I get past the affects of making a change. As I said, I have had to accept so much about who I really am, away from who I have been expected to be. I'm a little wild, a little spirited, a little lady, a little rough, a little city and a little country. I hate labels, and one sided stories.

So, as one-sided stories goes, you all have gotten the "my side" of the story for several years now. While I do try to keep names out of this blog, and give credit where it's due. You all are reading this from my perspective. While I can't always give someone else's perspective; I do try. I am a difficult or complicated person. I have very high expectations, and not very many have ever lived up to them. Are they too much? Probably, but I wouldn't ask for what I wouldn't return. I tend to straddle the fence on issues, and try to see both sides. Even if there is no "second side." I would love to be a care free person, willing to try anything once, but even that thought gives me anxiety! I have a huge sense of responsibility, and a tremendous sense of being fair. I am not ever care free, and usually am stressing about something that just a thought. I put my children above and beyond everyone and everything else, including myself and my husband. I want my marriage to work, to be romantic, to be one of those "forever" loves like my grandparents had, but I also know the roller coaster we have experienced, and know that nothing is forever. I want to learn how to let go of some of the resentment, anger and disappointments that have happened in my life; even though I have no idea how. I want to feel loved, valued and most of all cherished; although I know my husband does try. I want to have the time, money and energy to have girls nights out, a weekend away with my husband, a family vacation, or even just a picnic under the stars without stress. I'm a pretty low maintenance person. I don't like the brand new vehicles, I'm not a fan of jewelry, I love our small home but wish it had fewer walls to separate us, my ideas of fun are relatively no cost. While for obvious reasons, there are some things I would love to be able to do that are not kid friendly, and others that are. I wish I had a little time away from my kids every once in a while, but I love having them with me.

I am working on some thoughts lately that have had me distressed. I believe it's one of the last areas of self-reflection I have kind of put off. It's hard to face your own bad habits, poor thoughts, and areas that go against everything you once believed. Reconnecting with some old friends has opened my mind to how rigid my thoughts were years ago. The hard truth is, some of those thoughts have become even more rigid, while others have become too lenient. It's a constant effort to become the best "you" you can be. It's a real struggle when you know something is wrong or off, and can't find the source.

Thank you all for giving me an outlet for the constant thoughts racing through my head. More productive blogs are coming this month. Hope you all enjoy them!

Salli