I took the weekend to unplug from most everything. Spent time with my husband and daughter, and even revisited a store I hadn't been to in years. We worked outdoors, in the garden, and did a little relaxing too. While I do try to write out things that weigh heavily on my mind...there is an area I don't address often. Mostly, because I struggle to stay in a compassionate mindset anymore. I get frustrated at other's lack of concern for our country, our economy, our family units, and even the disrespect much closer to home. Then it comes out as anger, and not the hurt or the understanding of them being ignorant of what they are doing. Yes, I still use words that define what I mean...not the context that those less educated know. The one thing I CAN say with 100% certainty, my parents taught me that education was something that could never be taken from you. The drilled the importance of education, and some exceptional teachers helped evolve my love of learning to this day. However, one thing that seems to irritate some today, is that continued love of learning, the continued drive to learn/study things that don't make sense.
I don't sugar coat most of what I say, but I also don't say 90% of what I'd like to. People have become very weak; in mind and body. There are some that believe that because they are offended, that no one else has the right to have a differing opinion...or at the very least, shouldn't have a right to voice it. It really comes back to "everyone wants rights, but no one wants responsibility." Right or wrong, I take my responsibilities extremely serious. Whether that responsibility be maintaining my home, raising my children, not depending on anyone to take care of my family; all the way out to my civic responsibility of knowing what my government is doing "in the name of our citizens." Sure there are days I would love to go back to a "happy go lucky" person, living a life that didn't consist of a zillion hours of research, trying to reach out to explain to those I care about what is coming down the pike, taking a weekend vacation just because, or even a weekend away to spend more time with family and friends away from where I live. Many times, we have gatherings at our home, because we can not get away...and that is our way to stay in touch. I know the veil of a lot of bad stuff has started to come down, and some of it is almost too much to bear. I get that. That does not mean it isn't happening, or that we can put blinders on to ignore it.
When I began researching, even my husband commented, that what I had found changed me. How could it not?! Everything I believed, was a lie. Nearly everything I was taught was fraudulent. I tried to talk out what I was finding, only to be told no one wanted to hear it. I have to say, that feeling of loneliness took me to a dark place for awhile. Again, I get that some of this is dark and horrible. That does not make it go away to ignore it though. I began questioning everything. I really dug into behaviors and Psychology, and during a couple of really low points...I spoke with a professional. I can tell you the latter, was the worst thing I could have done. Let me explain. I fully appreciate facing adversity and our past, head on. If one thing was glaringly visible, by revisiting past issues and drudging up those old ghosts...it made things much worse for me. It brought back old nightmares(literally), it had me writing a letter of hurts/anger to people that would never see anything I had written. It reopened wounds that I fought so hard to heal. It turned mole hills into mountains. Honestly, it clouded my judgement.
I have slowly been retaking my own power back. By allowing someone or something else to "control" you, you are empowering THEM over yourself. I had rationalized that because this person made me feel like this...then, they must know better than I did. WRONG! People have their right to opinions, and even to voice them. What they do not have, is the right to control what you think or even say. You don't like what someone says? Ok, move on. Easy fix. By arguing with people, you are either trying to change their mind or trying to push your belief on to someone else. I don't need anyone else to believe what I do, I have the education/research to back up what I say. Sadly, every single person has the same ability to get this education, but a majority would just rather argue or keep their blinders on. That is ultimately their choice. I'm not going to try to change anyone. I spent years trying to share information that would encourage others to go out and educate themselves. I'm at a point now that it no longer matters. I will share what I know, I will continue to rebuild what counseling destroyed, and people will either learn or not.
The biggest area that has weighed on my heart is the push for divisions. Years ago, it was called "class warfare." It was rich vs. poor, blue collar vs. white collar, lower class vs. middle class vs. wealthy. Now, you have all that with white, black, red, brown, male, female, other, catholic, baptist, protestant, muslim, jewish, gay, straight, trans, income, education level, the price of your home, your auto, if you believe in climate change or not, vaccinated vs. unvaccinated, pro-life vs. abortion, democrat vs. republican, and this just keeps going. So, the more divided a society becomes, the easier it is to control them. This is documented throughout history, yet so many are still playing this game. Do I agree with any or all of beliefs here...nope. But, it is their right to believe whatever they choose. When it's my time to answer to my God, it's not going to be anyone else's character or actions that I have to answer for. It will be, mine alone. As God designed, no matter your beliefs, we all bleed red, and that Bible that so many like to preach about...it designates us as brothers and sisters. So, if you are preaching your Bible, while still spreading the divisions....you are an activist, not leading our brothers and sisters to God. There are bad people, no doubt, but we are given free will. That allows us to make decisions, but it does not exempt us from the repercussions of those decisions.
So, this has been conundrum for a bit now. I have been learning how to dissect divisions from truths. I've had to come to grips with past experiences, behaviors that still haunt me...but accepting that maybe those involved did the best they could at the time, learning how to keep a protective bubble around me while I do learn to heal from some tragedies. I've had to learn how superficial some relationships are when they are convenient, accepting that some people you may have believed to be part of your inner circle...wasn't when push came to shove. Learning to deal with what I call a withdrawl from people that make you question your worth. Change is difficult for most, no matter how small or big that change may be. In my case, change is what fueled my blinders to come off fully. Change, even though difficult, is what has allowed me to hold on to what I value the most; my family. It drove me back to a church to find direction, to attempt to repair damaged relationships even if they may not be able to be...I know I tried. Change has helped me to see clearer than I have, probably my entire life. It only took me 49 1/2 years to get here. I am not done growing, and I know there will be so many more changes in my time left on this Earth. I won't claim to know the Bible, although I have read it, what I do know is this: God supposedly gave his only son to forgive us of our sins. So many tell us that is only through repentance, and that may be true. I believe God gave us that repentance with the life and rebirth of his son, so that we could improve our own character, learn to love our neighbors, and by treating everyone with respect. I believe, our repentance, requires change to better than we were yesterday...not better than anyone else.
So there you have it. When I speak of finding my personal calling/mission, I know there is more than one area required...I feel it in my soul. Being of good character, helping those you can, and even educating yourself beyond what the noise box tells you...all play into this. I won't have to answer for what you do, only what I do. For that reason, I will keep moving forward as I am guided to do. Whether that be through research, continued education, personal experience, or laws of man...God does guide us, as long as we are observant enough to pay attention.
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