43 years...

43 revolutions around the sun, and starting another one!



Today, I'm officially 43 years old. I'm not like many that cringe at their age. I love my birthdays! I love seeing how much has changed over the course of a year. It's amazing to reflect and see how 43 years changes people.

About 7 years ago, I began a phase that has been deeply reflective, and pretty eye-opening too. What began as a friendship gone bad, a gut feeling, and some weird insight...has led me to where I am today. I've slowly began relearning who I am as a person. Pushing past the stigmas of who I was told to be, what was expected of me, and finding my way out of what I can only describe as a lot of years of isolation. I began questioning everything, and seeking a resemblance of truth through multi-sided stories. I began trying to find who I am, now...without all the expectations, the required responsibilities, and dogma of being someone's wife or mom. Somewhere along the way, that's all I had become.

I began my journey into understanding my faith. I'm not religious, but I am very spiritual. There is a difference. I believe that there is a higher power than all of us, and the possibility of a grander plan, with many options. I believe we have choices, and options throughout that grand plan, but there are not coincidences. I believe every area of our life is meant to happen to guide us. While there are MANY areas, I wish I could understand and know why they have happened as they have...I believe they will be revealed when the Universal time is right.

I'm a mom, first and above all else. My children are my entire world. They are the greatest kids, with hearts so big, caring and kind souls, and yes...I know they have flaws. They are human! In my eyes, their flaws and their perfections are part and parcel of the amazing children that they are. You don't understand how a heart can beat outside the body, until you have children.

I don't believe that "mid-life crisis" is accurate. I think you reach a stage that your eyes seek truth, balance, happiness and fulfillment. I spent years bouncing through what was expected of me. Each time I tried to veer off the that path, I ran into headaches. Rather than finding my own way, I was given a path that was expected. Now, I'm raising 2 kids of my own, and I do not want that for them. I want them to find their own way. Sure, I want to protect them from heartache, pain and stress, but I have to loosen the reins a little to allow them to find their own path. I will be there as long as humanly possible to help, but at some point, they have to know their actions will have equal or opposite reactions. They have to know how to handle that. They have to know how to handle, deal, and move on from mistakes.

However, even having children, so many of us loose sight of our individuality. We spend so much time in the mom role, that we forget we are people, and women. We forget we have needs of our own that typically get neglected while we are in our Mom hats. For me, I've had 17 years of wearing that hat, and each year has removed a little more of me. Then those little pieces of me began to diminish even faster 9 years ago with my 2nd child. By the time my friendship blow up happened...I was lost. I didn't know how to be much beyond a mom. I had let so many of my own needs vanish or get pushed aside that I was miserable.

Even though I still struggle with some areas of oddity, a few areas have been revealing themselves bits and pieces at a time throughout several years. The woman side of me, has been giving me a few fits. I'm pretty low maintenance, overall. There are some areas that are more difficult for me than others, since some things aren't meant for everyone. I think it's pretty simple on a general woman's want list: to be respected, loved, to be shown the same care as she is giving out, to have romance and even be spoiled a little. I think knowing the woman in your life, from her favorite colors and flowers, to being able to see in her eyes the warring emotions...even if you don't know the exact reason, being there to talk about them without judgement, argue without being demeaning, and share an unbreakable bond of friendship. Allowing a relationship without fear of judgement or guilt trips, and being compassionate to allow your partner to not fear being vulnerable in front of you.

I'm sure there are so many areas that will continue to be learning experiences, but in my 43rd year on this Earth, I'm seeking happiness, fulfillment, compassion, and balance. Wishing you all a safe, healthy, and happy 2018!!!!

Sending love, Salli

Christmas to me...

About a week ago, I asked, on my social media page, what Christmas meant to the friends on my list. While the responses were very limited, most of them were pretty general: Family, God and time with extended family. So rather than write a small book on social media, I want to share what Christmas means to me.

Christmas. It's such a decisive time of year. For the most part, people either love it or don't. You hear the arguments of the cost, of family disputes, or distance. All are relevant arguments, but I believe people have forgotten how to listen to their heart. Sure, Christmas has become a massive marketing campaign and the constant commercials for stuff we really do not need is tedious. However, we all have choices.

Christmas is a magical time, to me. Finances are always tight in my household, and Christmas shopping makes them worse, but we have never gone overboard in our house. Each year, we average $100 per child, and this includes a few gifts from Santa. We do not purchase electronics, and we do limit greedy thinking as much as possible. A quick back story here...When my oldest was about 7 or 8 years old, he was told on the school bus that Santa was not real. I've always been told to believe in the magic of the season. So, at that time, I sat down to talk about that magic, with a very upset young man. I told him that Santa is metaphor for the magic that Christmas brings. That many people do not believe in Santa or the magic. I explained that in our home, Santa is very real, and so is the magic. His young mind accepted that, but he wanted to make a request to Santa and the magic of the season. He wanted to ask Santa to only give him a couple of presents, so that the older kids that didn't believe, could get their wishes and believe in Christmas again. Since that year, that's exactly what "Santa" did.

That year, "Santa" gave him 3 gifts. 2 that were things he really wanted, and 1 for being such a kind person. That year, we began doing more to help less fortunate families in our area. We'd purchase gifts for the Angel Tree, and buy food to donate to local food pantries. A couple of years ago, we began the same tradition with my daughter. Last year was a big struggle, not only financially, but also emotionally. Although we do do a little bit, it was not nearly what I would love to do.

Christmas to me is all about feeling. Selfishly, I wish people could feel this spirit every day, all day! Christmas is warm and cozy feelings. It's spending time with loved ones and those whom you hold close to your heart. It's gathering of family and friends; sharing homemade cookies and treats. Christmas is beautiful decorations, long-standing traditions, it's offering random acts of kindness without having to make an effort, because it feels natural. Christmas is remembering to feel the emotions that many of us either push aside, bury, or try to hide the rest of the year. I love to give, even though I don't do good with the receiving side. Not that I'm not appreciative, I really am, but giving is my forte.

Christmas for me, includes watching every Christmas movie I can watch, to remember those truly heart felt emotions. It's also daydreaming about some of those emotions that you haven't felt in years. It's wanting to help bring back the Christmas spirit and magic, to those that have forgotten or have fallen on hard times. It's making sure that no one is alone or lonely on Christmas, or any other time of the year, for me.

Christmas to me, is so much more than purchased gifts, and endless debt to purchase those gifts. Christmas is such a beautiful time of year. It's a time to share what you have, open your home to the magic and cherish those you care the most for.

I'm trying to teach my children to be kind all year, but for me, it begins in this season. That kindness doesn't need to be grand, things as simple as holding a door, offering a shopping cart when you are finished with it, buying the person in front of you coffee/drink. It's making an effort every single day to help bring light someone else.

Christmas to me is so much more substantial than consumerism. Anyone can go out to purchase a gift. Anyone can whip out a credit/debit card to buy something that another person probably dosn't need. While I am making some purchases this year, my family is also doing some homemade gifts. These to me are so much more meaningful. Knowing the thought, time and effort that go into homemade gifts is knowing the heartfelt care that others have towards me, and me for them.

So today, I'm going to end this post with a few final thoughts. Each time you are out during this season, do something kind. Take the time, energy and yes even a few dollars; and help bring the spirit to someone else. If you are going to be alone, find someone that you can share your time with...Christmas, especially, is not the time to be alone. Remember what Christmas means to you, beyond the financial stress, beyond the constant push of television commercials and advertising. Take the time to make your home look beautiful for the season, whether that be a whimsical decor or modern. Make a donation at a local food bank, or to an agency that gives gifts to the less fortunate. Start bringing your children into the mindset of giving, and being less materialistic. Help them learn to give, and receive less.

Merry Christmas, friends.
Salli

A Japanese Tradition

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What an amazing morning of insight, meditation, and direction!! I thought I'd do a little coffee chat this morning to attempt at putting words to this amazing enlightenment. You all have been on this crazy journey with me, some for many years now. I believe it's time to open the flood gates.

It's been a long time, LOTS of years, building so many unhealthy defense mechanisms to protect myself that I have changed. Realistically, many of the changes were not in good directions, or even true to myself. I, sadly, allowed others to condition me into someone I was not. I changed, for a long time, slow enough that I didn't even realize how much until the last year and a half.

Growing up as I did, moving regularly was something my extended family did. The move my family made, should not have posed the challenge for me, but it did. It turned my world on its head. I learned early in life, not to get too attached, and also be ready to uproot and start over. I didn't realize how far or deep I had fallen. I've always tried to stay true to who I've always been, but I didn't. I let too many issues, cause me to spend my adult life constantly reacting. I neglected to adequately let life happen and splay out as it will. I bottled so much up, at some point began sugar coating what I needed to say so I wouldn't upset people, and have ended up becoming a ticking time bomb ready to explode over things that shouldn't matter.

About 5 years ago, my life began changing. I learned things about myself that have altered everything about me. While I am still learning how to deal with a lot of it, there are parts that have been nagging me to listen, and I guess the past week, my mind finally accepted or opened or something. The last 2 days have been almost overpowering in the clarity I'm seeing. So, I'm going to attempt to share what has become so blatantly in my face the last 2 days.

First, I'm sure you've all heard the phrase, " if people wanted to speak kindly of them, then they'd be kind to you." Well, I'm not a person to be unkind or name names, but there are just some things, that you have extract from your mind to make it clear. The thing is, for 19 years, I have been conditioned, so to speak. That's a difficult mold to break. Everything from being told you aren't good enough, told that you may be married into the family but you'll never be part of the family, being criticized for how I've chosen to raise my children, to belittled, bad mouthed, and members of the community believing the bullshit, until the had a chance to get to know me. That many year, and the constant manipulation of it; it breaks you down. You start believing the bullshit, you start doubting yourself and your abilities. Then something happens, and all of a sudden, you are thrown into a completely different life. One that you aren't hearing the bullshit on a regular basis. You are put into a position of being vulnerable to some degree since your mind is able to start filtering out all crap.

To some degree, I need to thank an Author friend of mine, for writing a book that introduced me to a concept that I once believed with my entire being...but didn't know it was actually a belief system. It's a Japanese view called Wabi-sabi. Here's the description: "In traditional Japanese aesthetics, Wabi-sabi is a world view centered on the acceptance of transience and imperfection. The aesthetic is sometimes described as one of beauty that is imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete." In other words, it's finding beauty in imperfection, it's simple, slow, uncluttered and reveres authenticity above all. This view plays into my love of nature, grounding, and traditional Native American beliefs.

Once I learned this tradition, and allowed my mind to begin opening, so many of the negative feelings and emotions began sifting themselves out. Unfortunately, as we all know, the mind and heart tend to have conflicting reactions but meditation is helping me to find balance. It is also forcing me to deal with some rather difficult things that I've tried to bury, to keep peace and not ruffle any feathers. The hard part, is knowing that by keeping the peace, I've allowed my true self to be used, taken for granted, treated poorly and accepted a lot less than I want or deserve. I let my expectations slip away and settled for whatever I could get.

At one time, writing this blog, was meant to be a place where I could be real, honest, and not sugar coat anything...but that changed. I felt that I had to limit most of what was happening in my life, and only tell specific area that were upsetting to me. Writing was my outlet. It was real, and could eliminate areas of my life that were troubling me. I am someone who craves conversation and communication. I have to talk through my thoughts, to make them make sense. I needed to talk to someone that I trusted enough to help me filter through the crap and to be able to let things go. When I don't have that communication, it throws the balance of my life into a tail spin.

Through the years, as a young child, I talked to my dad about everything. We could talk for hours about anything or nothing. Then my life changed and I couldn't talk to him anymore. That bond, got broke. I struggled with that for years. I sadly, found several people that were not meant to stay in my life, and I struggled through that and didn't really have anyone that I could share my true thoughts with until high school. During those years, of not having someone to talk through emotions with, I developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms. At that point in my life, I learned how to turn off emotions, not trust anyone, and not to open my heart to anyone because if you did, they'd let you down or abuse it. I got into the business world, and the cold shut off emotions came in handy, but I was not being authentic. Then I moved to a new place, in a new state. I wanted to start over, away from anyone that knew me and be able to find me again, and I did. I was doing what I wanted to do, being kind, working in an industry that was fun and fulfilling, and I was able to let go of hurts. Well, that begins the chapters of where I am now.

I can tell you that I do not believe in love at first sight. Although, I do believe in connections/bonds, immediately. I believe there has to be some sort of connection deeper than appearance, to even recognize the appearance. I believe our souls recognize other souls that are meant to be in our lives. The problem as I see it, is that we have to be willing to recognize and accept the role that people are meant to play in our lives. Romantic recognition has only happened to me once, but that was fairly short lived. For me, when a connection has been present, it's typically been one of communication. This means, when I find someone that I can talk to without judgement, or someone that can carry on conversations...I feel a connection. Does this mean that those I find a connection/bond communicating with are meant to be romantic, no, have they been, sadly, yes. The little experience I've had in the world of relationships, has been heart breaking. Each one were good people, but not one of them had been "my person." I had a connection to each of them, but there hasn't ever been the fairy tale description of a relationship.(I don't believe in them anyway!) I can say that when it comes to romantic relationships, my role models were divorced parents, one grandparent speaking for both herself and her husband leaving him without a voice, and a set of grandparents that struggled in life but managed to work as a team for their family. I've watch one aunt be married to her sweetheart for many years, one that had a "fairy tale" relationship until he passed on, and 2 that struggled through rough marriages to raise their kids, and then divorce and find their "forever person."

I have a pretty unhealthy view of marriage, not because my husband is a horrible person because he is NOT! He is a great man, hard worker, has always provided for the kids and I, and is an intelligent man. He's tried to be everything he can, to everyone, too. A good friend asked me a couple of months ago, what it was that drew my attention about my husband. At the time, I couldn't answer. I really had to think back to 20 years ago, when I first met him. What was it that stood out, and made me take notice? While I'm not sure exactly what it was, I can tell you some things that did. He was kind, happy, never caused problems, and we could talk for hours about anything or nothing. We had a lot similar interests at the time, have commonalities within our families, and he was respectful of me and to me. Through the years, our lives have been a series of events that have left both our hearts a little colder and my own a little less trusting, caring and open. I place a lot of blame on myself for allowing things and people that shouldn't matter, to make me into the person I've become.

That being said, I also recognize that just because of the horrible people and tests that have been in my life, does not mean that it can't change. As the phrase goes, these have just been chapters of my life, it's time to turn the page and begin a new chapter. There is so much beauty in imperfections, nothing will go unchanged, and nothing lasts forever. It's just the way our realities go. We work hard to do and be the best we can be, but still we need to accept that sometimes the Universe has to be pretty harsh to get our attention. We are too busy with things that don't matter, and too busy being busy to accept the simple, slow, uncluttered authenticity of who we really are.

My life has been a circus for years, but the last 2 have gotten worse. My marriage has been on the brink of divorce for several years. Just when we think we might be gaining ground, we have been kicked from multiple directions, the purchase of our farm has proven to be one thing we thought was positive but has proven to be the biggest mistake we ever made, trying to stay near my husbands family was a choice made that has bit me in ass at every turn, everything from trying to better ourselves to just trying to stay a float has torn at my soul. The move to southern Missouri was one that I had high hopes and expectations from. I knew 6 months before anything was ever said that this was our final chance, the make or break. It was the chance to be free from family knowing every move we made, free from having our farm held over our heads while I was eliminated from all conversations regarding it after my husbands grandfather passed away, and in my own eyes was the last ditch effort to either get our marriage on track or call it quits. I saw my marriage failing. There was no communication, no connection left. It became a comfortable room mate status, and my own resentments grew to monstrous proportions. By the time my kids and I actually got to southern Missouri, I had given my marriage, my husband and I, one year to fix it or move on. Sure there are worse situations I could be in, but having your entire life in uproar can be pretty overwhelming. Since selling our house has yet to happen, we've found that there's an awful lot of greedy, underhanded, manipulative, and down right ignorant things happening up there. While I have seen these things the entire time I've been around this family, sadly, they have turned within to start the bullshit with their own flesh and blood. I'm on the outside, have been from the beginning, so it's easy for me to see the games and manipulation going on. As upset as it makes me to see families treat each other so poorly, I'm relieved that I'm not in the thick of it. Many of the trouble makers have spent years treating me poorly, and I have no compassion for them. Honestly, I really don't feel much besides disdain towards them.

I have always been a caring person. Always given multiple chances, after being treated poorly, and would never spread rumors about anyone. I try to be completely honest, loyal to a fault, and respectful unless disrespected. However, at some point, I closed off my heart with great big, solid, impenetrable walls, and the kindness I had always tried to show...began disappearing. I have 3 people that I have trusted, 2 for over 25 years; with everything. No filters, and complete honesty. I am not an easy person to get close to, and I know this. I don't trust people, and unfortunately, I have built in lie detectors and I just can't tolerate liars. I struggle when people won't look me in the eyes, when they half-ass pay attention. I do not ask for much. I ask to be respected, not taken for granted, be honest with me even if it might upset me, don't tell me you are a friend if you're going to take anything I say and throw it twisted and tangled into the rumor mill. If you are going to love me, you have to accept me, all of me, not just what you want to see but ALL of me.

I will fight for the underdog, I will give many chances to undeserving people because I believe that somewhere, in everyone, they have good in them, I will bottle things up so I don't upset the delicate balances but know that at some point, I believe in communicating to build not only trust, but also a better connection. I love, love. Yes, I know, I don't believe in fairy tales or marriage, but I do believe in love. I believe it can be a beautiful, fulfilling and extraordinary experience. I love feeling free. Whether I choose to take off my shoes and run through the grass, go skinny dipping, or spend a day curled up with a great Melissa Foster book; I love freedom. I hate labels!!! That has become the new norm in our society and it's sickening. People are labeled for skin color, nationality, religious views/or lack there of, parenting styles, professional choices, etc. It's pathetic. We are all human. We all bleed red. We all have family and friends whom love us and we love them.

Since I'm certain that the current amazing path I'm on, is just beginning, I'm seeing some light. After nearly a year of constant bleak, dark and depressing feelings...it's so enlightening to feel some pieces of myself start to fall into place. It's releasing to feel some of the weight off my shoulders. It's refreshing to be able to reopen some lines of communication that I need. It's a starting point to build from and see what road the Universe has in store from this point forward.

Salli

Just venting

Good Morning! It's so strange to have so much to say, but not know where to start or even the right words to use. I have been feeling a massive block in not only my writing ability but in life, in general. So much has happened over the past few years that it feels like a tsunami has hit me. I have been fighting to get back to the surface or treading water for so long, that I'm tired and drained.

I know I'm a fighter, and giving up has never been an option for me, but more times than not in the past few months...I've been ready to wave the white flag. I know intellectually, that I will keep fighting and trying to achieve my goals but mentally, I'm drained.

I feel like like I'm battling multiple fronts, all the time, even before this massive transition. Prior to this move, it was finances, marital issues, trying to hold on to my goal of a good home for my kids, trying to fit the molds of child/sibling/friend/and even trying to do "right" as daughter-in-law. I struggled to play referee between family members, and within my home...only to be the one constantly at fault. I spent all my time wearing the mask that someone else was wanting me to be.

6 years ago, we moved onto our farm. My plan was to finally be in a house I could raise my children, and have the lifestyle I craved. It was such a remarkable experience to take a hayfield and turn it into a home in 30 days. We could have a nice garden, plant orchard trees, raise our own cows, chickens, pigs and have a few horses. It was perfect, until the costs began increasing but the income remained the same. No mattered what we tried to do to better ourselves, ended up causing us to nose dive. I still loved our farm, land and even location. It had its own struggles in other areas but I did love it. Then over the course of a few years, realizing something had to be done, and not finding any employment options...the decision was made to make this transition.

This transition has been terrible, for me. I have spent so much time feeling alone and lost, than not. The good thing has been being alone, has allowed me to try to center myself and attempt to find solid ground again. This transition has had my life in limbo for 14 months. We have had stuff scattered over 400 miles, had 2 not so ideal temporary living situations, and absolutely no leads to get back on a farm like I want. Although I do like our area, it's different. It's not like anywhere I have ever lived. There aren't the farms like I'm used to. Almost everything here is crops, and even to buy a place that grass could be planted, you are going to pay out the nose because it could be turned into row crop. There isn't pasture ground, really, here. It's upsetting to me that I can't have my life more in control.

I have always strived to set goals, work towards them and achieve them. For a bit now, life has felt like a runaway train! I'm doing my best to stay positive, keep trying to move forward, keep working on making my family happy, work to better our finances, and to keep my marriage from falling any further apart. There are days I just want to throw in the towel. I just keep thinking, I finally found the one thing that will break me.

With that being said, I'm not ready to give up. I'm a strong person but I'm tired. I'm way outside of my comfort zone, but I'm doing what I can to still hold it all together. I am still playing referee between family, my kids and their dad, still attempting to juggle a different financial burden, trying to make the best of a worst case scenario in my eyes, still fighting a canyon that has grown in my marriage, and you throw in the minor issues that would just be stepping stones normally, but have sent me into panic mode. I really am not like this place I'm at, overall, but I do know it will get better. The hard part for me, is trying to find solutions.

I need a break so I can see clear again. Too much muddy water has been flowing under the bridge.

As a person who rarely walks away from anything, I am thinking that I need to take some time and release the negative energy that has encompassed me for so long. I'm overwhelmed, and each little issue that comes up, just pushes me further down. I will grow from this chaos, I know.

As with any issue, things can change. One area that has been a major source of grief is hopefully an issue that has been solved. I'll know more soon. Another issue, will be closed if the first one is solved. I have 2 vehicles that are old, need repairs, and have high miles. They need repaired or replaced. Neither can happen when you have every penny going out to keep up with 2 households. I have learned that keeping to myself, is probably the best policy. I love the work I'm doing, and hope to be doing it for a long time to come and watch their goals come into fruition.

I can see light at the end of a very dark tunnel...but there is still a long ways to go. I just pray that I will have the strength and patience to endure until I can get their. I pray that I can accept the changes that I need to make to have the life I want. I pray that whatever path the Universe puts me on, that I can withstand it; body, mind and soul.

I am taking some time to pray and meditate. The loneliness, and stress has taken its toll. I will get through this, and I will be a better person for it. I guess the will of the creator, is how everything will turn out. I guess the creator believes me to be a lot stronger than I feel.

I suppose it's time to begin this rainy, cold day. I can and will survive this and hopefully become a better person too!

Awakening, of sorts

Several years ago, I believe my path in life, began to change. I got comfortable with my life, my friendships, and my own abilities. There are many ways the Universe speaks to us to guide us, but apparently, I was not listening. So, my world was rocked off it's axis and I was made to listen.

I am a little stubborn/hard headed, and yes you can stop laughing, I do know this. Unfortunately, I'm also too caring, loyal, and typically give too many chances no matter how much I get hurt. The stubbornness has gotten me into trouble my whole life. If I believe in something, no one is going to tell me different. While this has it's good qualities, it also has it's drawbacks.

I stand up for those less fortunate, if I consider you a friend; I will defend you till my last breath, I have a very strong believe system and values that by many standards are antique. I try to always give people the benefit of doubt, even if they have proven they don't deserve it.

Several years back, someone I considered a good friend abused my friendship. That became my gradual awakening. While I have trusted my instincts most of my life, I didn't listen on that deal, and it came back to bite me. Honestly, if I'd listen and trust my instincts more, I would be a lot better off. Anyway, that ordeal accumulated over 2 years. I finally broke down, and went through a grieving of sorts, that someone could treat another so poorly, and not have any remorse. That hurt. However, that began a process of seeking something more. It broke down my trust, my faith in people(again), and put me in a situation that was not good.

Since that ordeal began, I started listening to my instincts. I listened when something began feeling wrong/off, or if something felt right. That upset began a remarkable transformation for me, that's brought a lot of eye opening experiences, some frustration, and even some changes in my own views that were unrockable beforehand.

As my life slowly, although it felt like a sudden thing, began making some shifts that I couldn't have been prepared for; it through me for another awakening of sorts.It made me start to look at everything and everyone in my life. I am not an overly trusting person anyway, but it opened my eyes to so much. I began trying to let my extended family into my life again. I began to hear, and see the true motives behind other areas of issues, and yes, even my marriage began a transformation that has been pretty tough.

A little back story, I grew up believing in fairy tales and happy ever afters. Even though my parents divorced when I was younger, I still believed that there was a soul mate out there for everyone. I held the belief that love could solve any problem, that if you loved someone you'd never cheat them, and as long as you had that loving spouse, anything was possible. That was a childish belief. I have experienced love, compassion, and believe I have crossed paths with a soul mate. However, Love does not solve everything. It can make things much more difficult. I believe to this day that we do have soul mates, and yes that was meaning multiple. I think our lives go through phases. We meet people in every phase of our lives that are intended to cross our paths, so that we can learn and grow. Some people are meant to teach a lesson, some are meant to stay for a spell, and some are meant to stay in your life for the duration.

With soul mates, I think some of our closest and dearest friends are soul mates; and they cheer us along the path of life with different points of view. While some soul mates, may be romantic mates, some are not meant for to stay in your life; or they may cross your path, even if they are meant to be in your life, but they aren't there at the moment the Universe is ready for you to complete that union. Love can be a beautiful thing, but you have to be ready to experience it. Life has given us so many experiences; issuing us tests before we ever get the lessons. It's become very clear to me that the lessons, have an enormous impact while the test just ripples the water to open our eyes.

While so much of my own life, I can look back on and see the lessons, obviously after the fact. The parts that I struggle with are trust, resentments, and the degradation of my self-esteem that has occurred for years. After years of snarky and mean comments, being told to just let them go; the resentment builds. After knowing early that trust is not something to fully give, tearing down those walls becomes a challenge. After years of pleading for the things you want and need, you begin to shut down. Even when another person wants and begins to make changes you needed years ago, some of those changes you no longer want. You build your walls so high after being hurt, and let down so many times; tearing them down, doesn't seem possible. You reach a point of no longer being able to cry about the issues, and begin preparing your mind and heart for the massive change you see coming.

Mentally and even physically, you get so tired, you can no longer accept the half hearted efforts. You can no longer accept being treated less than you feel you deserve. You try to let go of the resentments of the past to move forward, but not only do you not know how...but you still see them happening, even if they are happening differently.

In June 2016, I began a 3 month spell that scared the ever loving crap out of me. I was on our farm, with my kids, alone. We were trying to get the farm sold, and relocate 400 miles away for my husbands job. The job had to start before the farm sold, so the kids and I spent 3 months with just bi-monthly visits with my husband. The first month was torture. It was terrifying, lonelier than before, and overwhelming. After that, we began to get a routine and schedule to take care of our farm, school work, grocery runs, feed runs, animal chores, household chores, and I began making time daily for myself. It was during that first month that I was terrified, that I began to grow even more than I had in years. I found out that I was capable. I was not the person that some had made me out to be. I may not have been able to make time for everyone, but I did what I had to do and kept my kids happy, safe and fed. I did daily yoga and meditations. I spent time with all our animals, every single day. There weren't constant arguments, and bickering. While we missed my husband, we were making it work and doing so pretty well. It shook up our schedules and routines when he came home, but we would work back into them pretty quickly. But it was during that time that I began to notice a huge change within myself. I was growing stronger, not only spiritually but physically and mentally, as well.

By the time we made the temporary move, I knew the time was now, to move or my marriage would be over. I couldn't continue the path it was on. It was making me into a person I didn't like. We made the move, and through a lot of alone time, in an area that I didn't know, even more began changing. I was lonely, angry, annoyed, bored, and that was not good! We spent 6 months in our temporary living situation, and that 5 too many. That situation, although it has some amazing parts, there were a lot of negative ones as well. However, my own spiritual growth continued. While I have continued to grow, I have continued to build up walls too. What I had wanted years, is not necessarily what I want now. Some areas haven't changed, but some really have.

When I try to think of what I really want now, so many words come to mind. I still want to be loved for who I am, not who you or anyone thinks I should be. I want to be respected. I want to be able to communicate with massive butt-hurt if it's not always what is wanted to hear. I time for just me, time when I can recharge, no one to aggravate or interrupt. I love affection but do not hang on me...that will piss me off instantly. Even though I am, for the first time in my life, happy with my body, I still like to hear compliments. I need compassion for the things that my heart is passionate about. I've been supportive to everyone else for years, it would be nice to get it in return. I need social times, because it's very easy for me to crawl into the introvert personality. I do not like feeling self-unconscious, please don't project yours to me, that's a good way to make me walk away. My eyes were opened to a life that I would never have believed to be so fulfilling. I am trying my damnedest to get back to that life style. The one I've been stuck in for a year, is not working!

I need to move on with my day, but there is so much on my mind, I had to empty some space.
Salli

Coffee Chat - Life's become a circus

It's crazy the way life shakes us up, and throws these dips and dives into our paths. There is a lot to be said, when you believe there aren't and coincidences...only paths you are meant to go down.

After a busier than normal weekend, learning how evil the nature of some people can be, realizing how some paths have lead to huge discoveries, and adjusting to other changes; has really caused me to look within myself. I truly believe that each of us cross paths by design, but some are not meant to stay on our paths.

This weekend, was one of those weekends that I have felt such an array of emotions, and it really has been a bit of a circus. If you've read any of my blogs, you know I've been capable of turning off emotions when I choose to. For abut a year though, that has not been the case. As much as I wish I could on occasion, I have learned to honor whatever emotions pop up. Whether they be sad, happy, confused, sure, or insight slapping in the back of the head. I have accepted each emotion, I've allowed myself to feel, every single messed up emotion that has hit me. While I'm really struggling with this, I've dealt with them. I have taken the time to look within to handle some of these.

It would be very easy to turn a blind eye to some, cut out the areas that stress me, or for that matter, cut people out of my life that stress me. That would be the easy way out...sort of. A few months back, a long time friend made the remark, "you need to open up your heart again." I will tell you, for me, that was a terrifying statement. When I think of opening up my heart, it means opening up myself to being vulnerable. It's means giving others a chance to hurt me, or caring for others more than they will ever care for me. You see, I've learned the hard way that just because I am willing to care for and help others, there are a lot out there that are not like me. There are so many that have no problem taking all they can take, using people, taking people for granted, manipulating people, and so many have zero respect for others.

The idea of opening my heart again, sends me into panic mode. I don't like feeling emotional. I don't like losing control over my own being. When your heart is open, it can so easily be broke. I refuse to be vulnerable to anyone. The problem is so many have lost the simple acts of common courtesy, respect and manners. It's seems so many have become greedy, needy and all for themselves. What ever happened to treating others as you wish to be treated?

The past 16 months of my life, have proven to be a challenge that I was completely NOT ready for. Transitioning not only in geographical area, life style changes, and then you throw in this lovely emotional awakening...I was more unprepared than at any other point in my life. I seriously did not have a single clue, what I was in for! Between the insanity of trying to sell our house, having sold and then the buyer passing away, to the realtor not doing enough to advertise it and now the 3 offers on the table just waiting to see who comes through with the money first. Then you throw in the marriage issues that have haunted my marriage throughout, the canyon that formed, getting to the point of realizing love does not solve everything - only makes it more complicated. To temporary living conditions while we wait for the house to sell, and those living conditions being less than ideal. Then you have the fact that we still have animals and belongings scattered across the state. Through in a few other areas that have juggled my life once again; and it's a total circus.

I'm trying to make the best of each area, but the longer this has drug on, the harder it has become. There's no reason to argue anymore, about any of it. It's time to walk away from what no longer serves, fix or walk away from a few other areas, and it's time to just be happy. While most days are pretty good, there are a few really bad days. I truly pray everyday for guidance, support, health, and safety of not only my family but also our extended families, and friends. I thank whatever higher power there is for all that I do have. However, there is more I want. There is more I need.

I'm not a materialistic person. I never really have been. I don't need the best of everything, or even brand new things. I just want to be comfortable, be able to care for my kids in the way I believe to be best, and not have to stress every single moment of everyday. I want to be able to be outdoors. I want time and space that I can escape to when the stress gets overwhelming.

This weekend, my husband and I came to the realization that even with all the chaos that life has thrown at us over the past year and a half, it's given us some pretty definitive answers about what we each want, need and what we don't. It's proven to us those that truly care and those that do not. It's also opened our eyes to many areas that have previously been ignored.

We have 3 potential offers pending with our house. None of them will make us a single dime of profit, only to pay off debts incurred with or for the house. However, it's time to close that chapter. Sure, we will have to save a while to get another place bought, but it will allow us to close that chapter of our lives. We will not ever be going back to that area, so there is no sense continuing to pay on 2 homes. It's also time to make some changes in our vehicles. My husbands vehicle is structurally not safe, and the brake system hasn't worked correctly for months...it needs to be gone. My vehicle has over 200,000 miles. Mine being more of the family vehicle...I need one with less miles, and that is more dependable to carry around my kids. The used vehicle market is astronomically priced. With so many incentives, it's cheaper to buy a newer vehicle. Although there are VERY FEW that I can stomach. I guess I just need to drive a few and see if any are worth even considering. Our current living situation will be changing very soon. I'm not handling it well. When you can't be outdoors without the bugs trying to cart you off, the inside is half as much as is needed, and the other issues with this place...it's a daily push to stay put even knowing it's only temporary.

I have seen so many hidden blessings in some of the trials in my life. Sure, they have been stressful and trying at the time. I have come to the realization that some bumps in the road are there to slow you down. They are meant to make you re-evaluate the direction you are going. They are meant to show you something. You just have to open your eyes, and pay attention. My own spiritual growth has come in leaps and bounds the past year and half. I've been forced to slow down, look deep within my own core values and beliefs, and to accept that no matter how much I wish they would some things and people never change. Those are some tough pills to swallow.

I have seen so much of this that it's sad. It's saddening to see how hurtful some can be, while proving that hypocrisy is alive and well. It's sad to see so much damage done when it's completely unnecessary. It's sad when there is nothing you can do to fix it. However, you can only be responsible for your own actions. This has become my own focus. I can not control everything around me. Honestly, I don't want to. However, I can control my own reactions to whatever actions I'm dealt.

As attempts are made to make some personal areas of my life better, I worry. I am concerned that all the water under the bridge has become too much. I can appreciate the attempts and do my best to make it through the rough waters, once again. It just concerns me that in all that water, there are life sucking issues that have already proven to be bigger than any safety raft. It's a matter of trying for now. I'm not sure of my own reactions, so I'm going to leave this thought alone until I am.

I suppose as I begin my day, I'm going to say that life is a circus. It requires several path changes and you must be willing to weigh all possible outcomes. You have to allow yourself to focus on your own needs and wants; while in continuous motion.

Take time to be still and silent. Make everyday a good one, even if there are bad parts. You can love someone without liking them, and vise versa. No matter how many times you have to pick yourself back up, keep doing it. Just keep in mind, a step forward and 2 back may just be the Cha-Cha, that catapults you where you are intended to be.

Have a beautiful and blessed day!
Salli

Coffee Chat

Welcome beautiful September! Fall is such an amazing time. To see the magic of nature throughout each season is impressive. Fall has always been a favorite season of mine. I love the changing leaves, the cooler temperatures, and even the shorter days. For more than a year now, I've worked hard to appreciate each season, and each new adventure my life has taken. It's been a huge struggle for me. I'm more of a creature of habit. I like routine, with minor surprises. I like my own space as much as I crave interactions.

This coffee chat is met with some pretty mixed emotions and feelings. We have officially been in our new location for a year. We are still trying to sell our house and remove the stress that has entailed with it. We have began building our lives here and had some pretty remarkable relationships formed. However, there have been some areas that are putting a hitch in truly moving on.

Sometimes, it's a positive stress that helps keep things moving forward. Other times, it the negative stress that is so unbearably heavy that it heavy enough to put pressure on other areas and cause them to break. I believe that is the position I'm in. With so many areas still unresolved, each piece of negative pressure is finding every crack in every area, and the whole foundation is ready to crumble. While I've really tried to do the right thing, take the high road, and stay positive; I'm human. I am not perfect and quite frankly, I'm freaking tired of it all.

I have struggled for so many years with some areas, that I just don't want to do it anymore. I want to be happy. I want to watch my life progress on the path that feels right. I want to grow and learn from new experiences and I want to succeed in my goals. I will be back on a farm, with our livestock, and have the homestead that I've achieved before. I am not a town kid, and I'm not content with living as we have the past year. Paying house payments and 2 sets of utilities; has been a financial burden that has negatively impacted so many other areas. I'm done with this too.

When this transition began, I gave it 1 year. After 1 year, I was going to re-evaluate everything, and decide what how to progress. Well, we are at the official 1 year mark. I'm still evaluating, but I can tell you, being here has opened my eyes to so much. A year can change so much. I've struggled with this change. I was not prepared for all the changes, as I thought I was, but I've adapted. I was not prepared for the headache of paying for 2 locations, for over a year. I was not prepared for the emotional toll of making this transition. I was not prepared for toll it would take on me, at all.

There have been so many positive changes in the past year. I've met some great people, been given a remarkable opportunity to help Veterans, I've been able to find the person I am and appreciate her. I've managed to find my way around the area we live in, and even found some great locations. I've managed to make each new situation work to the best it could. The kids have been so resilient in all this. They have grown both physically and mentally, and they are so happy.

So, even though there are some pretty major issues, still, overall life is pretty good. I don't ever expect people to change, that's unrealistic. I do hope that people will grow and become better people. I know I work everyday to become a better person, learn everything I can, grow spiritually, and I'm finally happy with the person I am today. I know there are bad areas, I struggle with how to fix them everyday, but I'm learning the only thing I can do is fix myself and my actions.

With so many issues, I can tell you my relationship has struggled, still is, and I pray that some areas of stress will be eliminated before they cause enough pressure to break it too. I also know, that whatever my intended path is, will prevail. It takes two to make or break a relationship. With each issue that confronts us, I've learned more. I just am hanging on to the single thread of hope that remains, that things will work.

As with all areas of stress, I'm not dwelling on them anymore. I'm doing all that can and when I no longer have anything to offer, I will walk away. It's the best I can do. So, I'm moving on with my day, with my daily prayers and meditation, and wishing you all a great week.

Salli

Coffee Chat - Unloading

I have been drawn to write a lot again. Although I try to keep the negative to a minimum as much as possible...there are days it's overwhelming. Lately, there have been several people ask, that I value, talk about so pretty tough subjects and ask some questions that have had me really digging within myself to find answers. Mind you, I am not a materialistic, greedy,or even demanding person; but finding answers to their questions...ones I have asked myself even before they did, has been tough!

I'm pretty simple. I want peace, room to breathe, life to function without too many hitches, and to be happy. Obviously, there are several sub-catagories with each of those but nothing that I see as a deal breakers. I'm very spiritual, though not religious. I believe we all believe in our own "God," but praying and meditating, are part of my daily routines. I know there is a grand plan out there for each of us, but it's frustrating to find yourself in limbo.

So here's my ramblings about me.

Areas that have pushed me to become introspective, trying to find answers:

What do you want in life?
What will make YOU happy?
You need to open your heart and feel again.
How can you change what's making you unhappy?

Now, I'm not going to go into a few ares, realistically, those are areas that I don't want to deal with outside opinion. So, I'm focusing on these four areas today. I have really tried to just go with the flow during this entire transition of moving. That's not me. I'm a planner, organizer, and I don't handle chaos well. Let's start with where my mind is on each area.
1. What do you want in life? - My simple answer is: to be happy. The extended version: I want what I had, with the exception of the lack of opportunity. I loved our farm life. Caring for horses, cows, chickens, pigs, dogs, gardens, trees, and my family. I want a home that is bigger than a shoe box, acreage to allow me to go back to cooking and baking from food we grew or raised ourselves. What I didn't like was the lack of growth opportunity. Jobs were few, incomes were small, and benefits were non-existent. While the possibility of going back to our farm isn't a possibility; I want what we had there but located down here.

I want to be appreciated and not taken for granted. I want to know that my family cares as much about me, as I do them. I want them to know that every single decision I make, is finally decided on, on what is best for our family...usually my own needs are not considered. I don't want to feel alone when they are all in the same room! I want to be able to tell my family that I need some "me" time, and have them respect that I need that to be at my best for me AND for them. I don't want to have to struggle for absolutely everything from finances, to respect, and courtesy. I want to feel appreciated, loved, respected and that someone actually cares about me for more than meals, clean laundry and errands.

2. What will make YOU happy? - This is tricky. I pretty well mentioned above what would make me happy. I guess the short answers are: to be able to be me, to not be constantly worried about saying/doing something that will be an embarrassment to my family and to have the space to really find "me" again. I have been a Mom, for nearly 17 years. My entire world revolves around my children. They come above everyone and everything else, period. Now, I'm looking at a nearly 17 year old that is self-sufficient, and an 8 year old that is basically self-sufficient. I have some of the "empty nest" feelings, but more than that...I feel lonely. With the kids not needing as much of my time, not having the farm to fill in the empty spaces...I'm kinda lost.

3. You need to open your heart and feel again. This one really hit me the hardest. When life throws me for a loop, I withdraw. It's the way I get a handle on the unease. Usually, a week or two and I'm back on my feet, but when more trials are thrown at me than I have answers for, I pull back even more. It's not the best coping device, I know. I have spent a lot of years with one roller coaster or another. From marriage issues, to financial issues or family issues...some areas have been building for a long time. One things I am learning, is that the longer you push down resentments, needs and even your own voice/thoughts, the harder it is to overcome the obstacles and move on. It's very difficult to want to scream at the top of your lungs for people to: listen, pay attention, quit ignoring what's going on or not going on. It's difficult to want to have your favorite color, flower, author, or poem remembered. To not have to remind anyone of your favorite things, people, events. After awhile, my walls have gone up. I tried to take them down many times, but each time I got hurt, and the walls went up again.

4. How can you change what's making you unhappy? - Again, this is multi fold. Obviously, our farm selling would help the financial side, and allow us to close a chapter. However, I'm not sure. That's the most honest answer I can give. I don't know how to bridge some of the gaps, I don't know how to change emotions/thoughts, I don't know how to get back on even ground.

So, there you have it. For 16 months, my entire life has been uprooted. 2 temporary moves later, still no sale on our farm, financial struggles that never end, and a constant battle to keep the dark/negative thoughts at bay. Overall, I like the southern part of our state. There are areas that are fitting for the kind of life I want. The difficult areas come in while trying to juggle 2 different lives, and one is 400 miles away. It's frustrating to see the possibilities but not be able to embrace them.

So, I am still working through a lot of thoughts, and even more areas of concern but, I'm still going. I'm not a quitter and I'll handle whatever life throws at me...I just may withdraw while I do.

Thanks for reading. Be sure to be kind to all, you never know what is going on in their lives. Your kindness may be the thread of hope that keeps them moving forward.
Salli

Detour

We all know that life can sometimes, take on a life of it's own. We have plans for what we want, where we want to go, and so forth. However, sometimes, the universe has to give us a few detours to give us lessons for the journey. We meet people in our travels that cross our paths for a reason. We experience difficulties to teach us our strengths as we move forward. We experience loss, to learn the strengths.

Occasionally, we have what I call a "light bulb moment." It's a moment when you can see clearly; even in the clustered chaos of life. For some it may come to them while driving, working or out collecting eggs. For me, it's usually at the weirdest or most inconvenient of times. It's a moment that allows you to see clearly, even if it's only a moment. It can give you the strength to keeping going, the ability to cope with an upset, or can allow you to see several areas of life that just aren't working.

For the past 16 months, my journey has taken on a life of its own. There have been many tears shed, more lonely moments than I can remember ever having, more stress and strained relations than ever, and being a realist...some depression. A massive decision to uproot our family, to find a better paying job with more growth possibilities; turned into a major undoing, and a continual stress.

A year ago, my husband began his new job, while the kids and I stayed back to pack and try to get the farm sold. While that was tough, and a roller coaster of emotion, for me...it was all of that plus being freeing. It was a reminder of my own strength, convictions, and abilities. It was the reminder that there isn't anything I can't do, and fear is a road bump not a mountain. You see, for 16 1/2 years, I have been a stay-at-home-mom. My entire life/world revolves around my children, husband and home. If you notice, my own personal being is not in that list. That was my first "light bulb."

During the 3 months of living at separate ends of the state, I learned that I could handle life, kids, farm, and even a few fun things. However, my priorities did not include anything that would cause me grief, negativity, or headaches. Being the the "be all," for those 3 months, took every ounce of my energy. The grocery trips, dog food runs, and a few little fun things meant even reserve energy was drained. Then you throw in trying to be the agent for selling our house, juggling 2 households finances, and the steady stream of gossip...it got overwhelming, a lot. You know what? I DID IT! The only area that I did not have to worry about, was the employment end.

Then we decided that we just knew our house would sell, so we would temporarily stay in our camper. DUMB MOVE!!! First of all, they may be great for some, but never again for me!!! Too small, too constrictive, and later you will hear this again but living in a tin can, is NOT for me!!! Storms or wind caused me to feel sea sick, there wasn't enough room to do anything! We managed to pull it off for 6 months, but it will never happen again. We did manage some great memories during those six months, but that is no way for a family to live.

By the end of those 6 months, we were all bickering and bitching. We were stuck on top of each other. The kids couldn't play inside or out, we were living in a sardine can on wheels, still waiting for the damned house to sell. My marriage was rocky, my children were arguing all the time(something that was not normal for them), I was becoming more and more depressed and withdrawn from everyone and everything. We were able to find a little bigger sardine can in the form of a trailer house to rent. Sure it's nice but it's still a can on wheels, very small for our family, we still have belongings scattered from one end of the state to the other, and still have not sold the damned house. We are still paying on two houses, two sets of utilities, insurance and storage for what we did move...but won't fit in this rental sardine can. So, with over $2000 each month for 12 months, going out to cover 2 locations...the finances suck, the savings is drained, my need for some sort of control is teetering on the edge, and the strain is about to a breaking point. I'm still doing everything, aside from taking care of livestock and dogs...neither are here yet...at least not on our own property. I still cook 3 meals a day, do the dishes most of the time, do laundry, pay the bills, juggling the budget, make the menu and plan the grocery lists, deal with the realtor, deal with the bank that has our mortgage, take care of schedules for everything here, teach my kids, and now take care of most of the pool cleaning. There is one path we have crossed that has been a huge reminder of my own abilities. Working with a great foundation for wounded veterans, led by a Purple Heart recipient Veteran. That has been such an eye opener for me. Not only for the great things being done for great and deserving veterans, but for my own reminder of what I'm capable of, outside of being a Mom.


Folks, I'm a strong person, but I'm tired! For more years than I care to count, I've fought to be everything to everyone. The good wife, good mom, good daughter, sister, friend; but no where in there was I good to myself! Every ounce of energy I have given, has been given to others. I stress and worry about family and friends; only to realize many only need me when they need me and can't be bothered when I needed someone. Then there are a few that were more than happy to discuss me without me being present, and that was just a reminder that I need to follow my instincts when I wasn't comfortable around people. You know, I have put up with so much crap, out of so many people, for long enough.

I may not always say the appropriate things, or I may have days when I do not want to deal with people, but I am not a bad person. I am strong, independent, loyal to a fault, honest, driven and very head strong. The past 16 months have knocked me down, no doubt. The past 20 years have been lessons learned and now it's time to narrow my circle. As my grandmother used to say, circle the wagons. My circle gets smaller all the time, but those who are left, will never doubt my love, appreciation, gratitude and loyalty to them!

This detour, has had many curves, dips and dives, and tons of loneliness; but I have learned so much. While I may have times I struggle; you won't see me give up, or lay down without a fight! Although loneliness is something that is real and can be felt alone or in a room full of people; it's not always bad to have time to hear your thoughts. However, being lonely is truly a tough feeling. It's hard to get through.

As the song goes, "If you're going through hell, keep on going, don't look back. If you're scared don't show it. You might get out before the devil even knows you're there."
Back to my crazy adventure.
Salli

Coffee Chat

Some times I just feel a need to get write. I'm sure there are others out there that are more educated and more grammar/politically correct; but I suppose it is what it is. For a while now, my brain and my heart have been littered with thoughts. Some of them are fleeting but I try to honor my feelings. We all have them, and for me, they fester until I acknowledge them.

I am a firm believer that we are all energy beings. We have our own energies, auras and vibrations. I also believe anyone willing to truly pay attention, can feel these. For me, it's more of a gut feeling or instinct, when I'm around other people/emotions. When around other people, you can pick up on their energy. Have you ever noticed that certain people constantly bring you down? I call those people energy vampires. Their energy or vibes, are negative or draining. You have some that are a source of happiness; and some are even neutral. It's those energy vampires you have to watch. At times, they do not even realize the vibrations they emit. They are negative, gloomy, constantly complaining, and at times, they just put out that dark aura that screams, "back off!"

I have faced so many of those energy vampires in my life! Without an escape from them, they bring you to their level. Many times, after years of having your own energy drained constantly, you lose yourself. Instead of being who you know you are, you tame yourself or water yourself down to fit the mold others have thought to be "appropriate."

Now, we can place blame. I mean, it easy to blame someone else for mistakes, lessons learned, or to some degree, even who we have become. The truth of the matter is, there is simple only one place to point a finger of blame. At some point, we all must grow up. We all must accept responsibility for our actions, admit to our mistakes, learn from those mistakes, and make a positive change for our own being.

Sure we can blame our upbringing for how we begin our lives, but it's our own choice as to the directions we go. We can blame society and it's ignorance, but then we have the entitlement/welfare mentality. OR, we can take responsibility. We can say, "yes, I was raised this way, but I CHOOSE to go a different path." Too many have used their upbringing as a crutch, an excuse, for not being responsible, productive members of society.

It would be so easy for me to say, "I was raised in a strict household, a divided home(divorced parents), so I blame my parents for my life. I blame them for my own shortcomings." Well guess what?! If I don't like the path I am traveling...THAT IS ON MY SHOULDERS! I'm an adult. That means, every decision I make, right or wrong, is mine. Not theirs. Sure, their constant bickering, their childish games, and their hatred towards each other; did play hell on me until I was old enough to understand that there is always 2 sides to every coin. It takes 2 people to make or break a marriage; and it takes 2 people to do what is right to raise balanced children in a divorce situation. You know, we all make mistakes though. Parenting does not come with a handbook, marriage is not a guarantee of forever, and you can not grow until you are willing to accept the mistakes made.

Now, in my own life, everything isn't sunshine, roses and rainbows. Hell, I'm pretty sure it's a struggle just to get through each day without pissing off anyone I talk to. I don't like games being played. Period! I will be honest to the best of my knowledge, I try not to judge others, I recognize that every story has 2 sides, I try to remain as neutral as possible when I'm thrown into something, BUT I will only tolerate so much bull, before I will cut you out of my life.

The past week has been a little odd for me. Talking earlier about energy shifts, has been a first hand experience. It's been a lot of years since I was able to shut down emotions, or to feel ice in my veins. Until the past 9 months, I have always had a means for balancing out those extreme emotions. Whether it be a hike, grounding in dirt, dancing, or whatever, I could calm those emotions, balance them enough to get through to solid ground again. The past 7 days, I've felt that shift. I have felt that ice again. However, rather than balancing it, or making excuses for it; I want to fix it.

I have become someone I don't know well. My heart has dreams and passions that have been ignored for years. My mind is in a constant state of motion. I struggle each day to see the forest through the trees. Sure, there are good days. There are days I think, I can make everything work. I can find balance and peace, while still being true to who I am. However, I have always been just enough of a believer in fairy tales, that I thought if I could just be this way or that way...it would make everything better. To some degree it does. It makes everyone else happy when you fit their image of who they believe you should be. It does nothing but cause you to be resentful. In my case, I have tried to be everything to everyone. I have watered down my own personality to fit a mold that I thought was acceptable in a life I chose.

By watering ourselves down, we are draining our own life vibrations. We become despondent. We lose our self-esteem, we lose our worth, value and eventually it plays into our health. By settling for less than you want, you are telling yourself you aren't worth more. In return, you are also telling those around you, that you aren't worth more. Guess what, you are!

Too many times we settle. We settle for a job that doesn't offer what we know we are worth, we settle for relationships that may be comfortable but lack what we want/need, we settle on so much! After many areas of settling, we begin to lose our own worth. We begin picking up unnecessary emotions; fear, anger, restlessness, resentment;just to name a few.

I've watched and listened to so many stories of people who quit settling. Some have changed jobs after years, some have changed relationships/divorced, some have sold their homes and moved hundreds of miles away. Yet, so many continue settling. So many fear grabbing their wants/needs/desires, by the horns, and making the change they need.

Growing up, I was told fairy tales. I loved them, and all the princess movies and Barbie stuff. You know, I believe that sets up an impossible goal for young girls. Many girls growing up when I did, dreamed of their wedding day, having kids; you know the whole white picket fence/2 kids crap. I don't think girls should be brought up that way. I think we need to teach our girls independence, self worth, finding their own beauty without some impossible role of being like a Barbie. Our girls need to know they are whole, ALL ON THEIR OWN. They do not need a man to be complete, but when they find a man that is willing to treat them with respect, they can be an addition to their already complete self. Too many girls are in a rush to be married, I was. They think a man can make them better or complete. That's just a complete lie that has been continued through generations. Unless you find someone that compliments who you already are, you asking for more stress, and less balance. Just as men need to find their own balance, and not worry about find the "right one," they need to be themselves and the "right one" will gravitate towards them. We have lost so much respect, worth and values in the antiquity thought of fairy tales.

I suppose as my coffee gets cold writing this morning, I will end here. I have so many thoughts that attempting to talk about them would require someone to pay very close attention. Maybe someday, I will be able to get them all out.

Salli

Caught Some Thoughts

So many of you have followed me for many years, through my blogging, with our homestead, livestock, gardening, home school, and life in general. While there is so much I keep to myself, there are several aspects that I do share. Some, are insightful, some positive, some venting, some funny, but all of it is very real and in the moment.

Today, I'm writing after several hours of time to myself, late last night. I always tell people my life is crazy. It really is. I'm never still for any length of time, and my mind moves a million miles an hour....ALL THE TIME! It never truly shuts downs or turns off, but on the very rare occasion when I have some quiet time to myself, I can actually catch some of my thoughts. When I get that needed time to recharge, I can make sense of many issues that I can't seem to find otherwise.

As many of you know, life for me has been chaotic. A year ago, we decided to sell our little farm, move 400 miles away for my husbands job, and start all over from the beginning. What you may not realize is everything that has happened surrounding this. For a year prior to this move, we were watching the county we lived in start to shrink and businesses close. We saw the amount of work my husband was doing diminish, and the income after 14 years was not enough to live on. We had no health insurance offered, income that hit the crack in the healthcare law so we didn't have the option of getting help, our home needed repairs so we made them, our marriage was tense as finances were bad, stress was high, and finding a solution meant finding a higher paying job in an area where there weren't much for jobs to start with. So, we decided to starting expanding the area that we would consider for travel, as jobs were few and far between. A year later, with a lot of discussion, and surface concerns discussed, my husband got his new job, and the plan was put into motion to make a huge transition in our lives. Anyone that has followed this blog, knows that our original plan did not work out so well, and we are getting to the end of the alphabet with the alternative plans!

Now, I will get to my selfish section in a moment, but right now, I need to make a statement. While my husband and I have had our share of issues, a problem with our communication styles, outside interference to add insult to injury, and personality differences that hit opposite ends of the spectrum...He is a hard worker, a good provider, and a good dad. I will never discount his efforts in always trying to better himself and our family. While there may be areas that still need a lot of work, we have spent 19 years trying to find a common ground.

There have been many times for me, that I've considered throwing in the towel. Not because I don't love my husband or my family, I do...but some of the issues, seemed too overwhelming to tackle. Even with this transition in our lives, the constant state of limbo our lives have become, has truly tested me. I don't think I could be accused of not trying to make my marriage work, we are rapidly approaching the 18 year mark. However, the past year has REALLY tested every bit of my patience.

We are STILL trying to get our house to sell, so our finances suck!!! We are paying house payment and utilities on it, plus paying rent and utilities here. The budget is so tight, every penny has to be accounted for. Although my husbands job pays almost twice his previous income, it doesn't allow us the luxury of finally being comfortable at this point. He works so hard, that it's frustrating to me, to still be so financially strapped that once the bills are paid and groceries bought, there's nothing left.

As you all know, when the financial strain becomes an issue, it messes with every aspect of your life. While I worry that multitude of stresses will drive a bigger wedge, I know I am doing what I can to make the best of this ridiculous situation. Here's the thing, as much as this transition has been difficult for me, I have to try to understand it from his perspective as well. He spent nearly all his life close to his family. I have not. I was 23 when I first came to Missouri, and started a life of my own. So being away from family, has been normal to me. Even though technology has made it easier to stay in contact with everyone around the globe, it's not the same. I will not claim to know his thoughts, emotions, or whatever on moving away, because sadly, that is not something we talk about. However, I know there are still times, I miss being near my family and friends.

There are days I get angry, and wrongfully blame him for every issue we are dealing with. It's not always his fault, it's not always my fault....for the first time in our married life, we are no where near either of our families, and we all know our plans for moving here have NOT gone as planned.

Here's where my thoughts are at right now. We have a lot of areas we need to work on as a couple to make both of us happy. Making this move may not have been my choice but I did say I would go where ever he wanted to go. I know our house will sell, I just hope it's sooner rather than later...it's a huge black cloud in our finances. I'm learning and adapting to our new area, and I know eventually, I will feel like I can make this home. There are so many more opportunities here for our family, even though the area scares the crap out of me. I'm going to have moments when I go bat shit crazy...I'm too much of a planner/organizer/analizer to have so much up in the air. Going back to Northeast Missouri is not going to happen, Southeast Missouri has been interesting, and I have got to figure out a means of getting what I need in every aspect of my life.

Selfishly, I will tell you, I'm exhausted! My days all blend together. 3 meals a day, dishes just as often, laundry, cleaning, school work, planning, budgeting, and attempting to make the best of having to rent. I would love some help once in while, but I am VERY cautious on asking because I don't trust people. I love to visit with people, but to actually become friendly, is difficult for me. I am a unique person, with a lot of quirks. It makes it difficult to find others willing to put up with me.

I have been in Southeast Missouri for almost 9 months now, and I spent 3 months prior to that, on my own with the kids in our house. The kids and I developed a routine that worked during those 3 months. We had a rough couple months, but by the 3rd month, we were making it work. What others don't realize is the time consuming life we had and I had the responsibility to take care of my kids and our home first. Just as it's been since we came here...my kids, family and whatever home we are in; they come first. I know that angered some, and many don't understand why I have withdrawn from everything but the kids, my family and our home. The thing is, when I am overwhelmed, that's what I do. I withdraw from absolutely everything I can, to preserve what energy I can for what's most important to me. Trust me when I say, I know I have been a horrible friend and extended family member. I apologize for not being involved, but I have had to do what I can.

One day, I know the Universe will help me get my head back on straight. Until then, I'm trying to be better, I really am. I'm trying to find things that make me happy as a person, so I can find happiness outside of myself again too. I am human, I make mistakes, but I truly care about those in my life. Even if I'm not actively involved with them.

Thanks for reading this latest "light bulb moment."
Salli

Too much advice

We have all experienced more advice, being told what is right or wrong, and experiencing our own thoughts of how life should go. Now, to be fair, most advice comes from well meaning people and their perspectives. However, unless the advice you receive comes from someone living your exact life...they do not know what goes on behind closed doors.

We can all give surface advise. It's based on what we see, hear, or are told; but there is usually more to the story. Not that people are liars, but there is usually stories that build up over time and as a result, the 5 minute story is actually a story that's been building for days, weeks or even months. Thus, the lead up to the current problem you are facing could very well, give more insight even if we don't realize it.

I have known several that are facing relationship issues; whether it was a strain in the relationship or the verge of a divorce. Either way, the stories are the same, they aren't happy within their relationships. I can tell you, reading all the online advice, that is so readily available, is almost sickening. The articles are everywhere; "making your spouse happy should make you happy," "give your relationship over to God," "is your man worth your time," "the type of woman worth marrying." These articles are written and posted online like relationships are cut and dry. There is seriously, NOTHING cut and dry about relationships. Relationships are hard. They require constant work, constant effort and yes, sometimes...relationships aren't meant to work.

I have been given a rare gift. One of trying to see "both sides of a story." I am by no means an expect...quite frankly, I don't believe there is a single "expert" out there! Every person is different, and to honestly be an expert, you'd have to know every single person, their personality, their upbringing, their entire person. It's not going to happen, so all the supposed "experts," try to speak in general terms - "if a person behaves this way, they COULD be doing this or that." Here's a thought...if they are behaving a certain way, maybe that's just who they are?! The one that kills me, are the articles about affairs. "Your spouse may be cheating if one of these 7 signs are present." Here's a thought. If your relationship is to the point of worrying about affairs...you need to speak directly with your partner and figure out between the two of you if your relationship can be salvaged! When you start involving outside influences, you are asking for more trouble!

When you are in a turbulent relationship, once again, it's up to the two people involved to solve the problem. Can you each deal with each others quirks, can you find a common ground that you can both find happiness or is one of you constantly giving up your dreams. Relationships, as I said earlier, are hard work. Many of us get into the rut of being overly comfortable. We know all the schedules, routines, or expectations of our partners. For those with children, we tend to throw our time and energy into caring for the kids, paying bills, keeping up with household chores, but neglect our partners. Relationships by traditional meaning, are supposed to be a partnership with our significant other, although more people are choosing more of a business type of agreement for the "convenience" of marriage. While I personally do not understand how marriage is any type of convenience, those arrangements are out there. Now, I will tell you, relationships that involve abuse of any kind, need to be terminated. No one deserves to be physically, emotionally or verbally abused, EVER!!!!

Having seen so much turmoil in relationships has had me questioning what seems to be causing so much distress? While I am not an expert on anything, and I write only what I feel from my heart, I've really wondered how they've changed. Many of us grew up with grandparents that had spent decades together. I know my grandparents had issues, and arguments, but they always seemed to work through them. Then my generation, became desensitized enough to accept the divorce epidemic. Divorce became easier to get, and was no longer a taboo subject. It gave everyone a readily available "out", when they didn't want to work through problems. However, those that had children and went through a divorce, didn't realize the emotional trauma that came along with that dissolution of marriage. As a child of the divorce generation, dividing loyalties and time between parents taught me several unhealthy coping mechanisms that hinders my own outlook on my marriage.

Growing up in that generation, I learned to turn off emotions, and became a pretty cold person. I don't trust easily, and I never depend on anyone other than myself...even 31 years later. When I let my guard down, and start depending on people, I get let down, hurt and then angry. I am pretty good at keeping my vulnerabilities to myself and it's very rare that anyone ever sees the real me. Even if they do, it's very short lived before I put those walls back up. I refuse to use all this as a crutch though. I may have some pretty deep scars, trust and control issues, and put others first; but it doesn't make me weak, I don't feel that everyone owes me something(they don't!), or that I am going to treat my kids the way I was.

I have seen so many that have done that, used there upbringing as an excuse to be assholes. They behave so badly, treat people horribly, have no concept of respect and if they have children...they treat those kids as bad or worse than they were. There have been women I have known that have been unhappy in their relationships, chosen to end their relationships, only to find out the grass is not greener on the other side. However, they weren't any happier in their relationships than they were after their post marriage relationships. They thing I see, is there is a whole lot of people that are severely unhappy within themselves. They have believed that their partners should make them happy; but when they don't, the relationship is broken.

As a woman with a little insight, when I am unhappy with myself and my goals/dreams aren't being met, it makes me unhappy. When I allow others to use me, disrespect me, or I do not take the time I need to recharge, chase my own dreams and goals, or even find time to just enjoy some of the things I love; I become unhappy and it causes many issues. However, on another taboo area, I think relationships are multifaceted in needs. While there is not a single perfect relationship, there are things that I believe every relationship needs. Every single one of us must deal with decisions, finances, sex, careers, children and extended families. Individually, the needs are fairly simple to handle. However, as most of you know, 9 times out of 10, many areas are thrown at us daily. Throw in education, children's activities, and the current need for society to label/judge every move everyone makes; and you have a recipe for disaster when it comes to relationships...and I'm not even going to touch the online dating crap!

I don't have answers, I'm not even going to offer advice, because frankly, I don't know. I can tell you from my own experiences in life, that relationships have one hell of a roller coaster ride. Many times that ride, the ups and downs, come daily; while other times it's more like a seasonal change. The choices need to be made when that ride is no longer tolerable. When it's tolerable or not, is a time only you will know. Once again, I feel it's highly important that you have open communication in your relationship. You and your partner will not agree on everything, and honestly, you probably won't agree on much. There will be seasons of growth for each of you, sometimes those seasons will pass without much more than a few cross words; other times, it may be the end of a relationship as you and/or your partner grow.

We each make choices for ourselves in the moment, that fit our lives at the time. However, if we are all honest, we change and grow all the time. Sometimes, our changes coincide with our partners growth, but sometimes they don't, which can hinder our own growth. Unfortunately, society has become very judgmental and seems to have to put a label on everything. For me, I feel that by putting a label on anything, limits it. You've heard "helicopter mom, working mom, stay-at-home-mom," Here's a thought...we are all MOMS! We all work hard, maybe in different ways, but we all work hard. We love our children and want what's best for them. Quit labeling each other, and do not judge others by the chapter of their lives you've walked in on.

Salli

Invisible

How do you escape invisibility;
after so long of staying out of sight.
How do you push back into the light.

How do you rejoin a world that you've spent years escaping.
Knowing you are so much more than what you have become.
Yet, feeling so insecure and vulnerable.

You know the fire that's in your soul,
the passions, desires, and dreams you've hidden;
and lost sight of.
You crave the boundless happiness you know exists;
the sense of contentment you've chased your whole life.

You have minimized yourself to fit a mold,
you dilute yourself to make other's more comfortable;
so much so, that you've almost forgotten who you really are.

There's no one else to blame; just yourself.
Though it's not easy,
you must dig out, and let your soul shine once again.


Salli <3

Second Guessing

Allowing your intuition to guide you through each trial and tribulation will lead you to where you are intended to be. Second guessing each decision will ultimately, cause your decisions to waiver.



Growing up in a time when our parents dictated every move we made, changes perspective from the generations currently growing up. There were not options of listening or not, if you'd eat certain foods or not, if you carried passing grades or not, and for some; even the career path you went down was dictated. Obviously, there were a lot of other decisions decided upon by the parents of my own generation.

Many decisions my own parents made for me, I still enforce with my own children, but others I don't believe in. I struggled through my own childhood. Growing up in a family, learning to adapt to divorced parents, attempting to find my way into adulthood, and there were plenty of lessons learned. I have some pretty strong traditional values. I believe the evening meal is necessary to family bonds. In my family, sitting down to supper together, is highly important. It's when we can discuss our day, discuss everything in general. When we have our evening meal, typically those meals are family both related and adopted. We open our home and lives to those that we care for. I home educate my children. My husband and I, neither one grew up this way, but that was the direction our lives pushed us to. Now, I would not ever consider anything else. Getting an unbiased education, that includes life skills is too important. I grew up in a subdivision. My husband grew up on a farm. While my dad grew up on a farm and gardened a lot while I was growing up, that was not anything like the farm life my husband had. Since being married, I have learned that life, and would not want to live any other way now. Our little farm provided me with the security, safety, and means to be self sufficient. That is something that I know is important for me, and knowing I am able to give my family the best I can, is success in and of itself.

I have learned more than I could ever express in the past 18 years. Gardening became not just a hobby for vegetables to eat that day; it became a way of life that provided vegetables all winter long. Having livestock was more than just cute animals outdoors; it became a purpose. Having fresh beef, pork, chicken, and eggs that were grown right on our land, provided annual meat and eggs for our family. Knowing the horses were there to check fence, check ground, and just to ride for pleasure was freeing.

I know everyone is aware of the idea of preparing, or prepping as some refer to it. I don't believe in going overboard, but having a means of surviving if all hell does break loose is of utmost importance. Until the past 8 months, I had that security. I knew I had a food supply that would last my family from year to year. I knew I had the skills to live off the land if need be. Losing that security, throws a monkey wrench in the life of someone who is usually prepared for the "what if's" in my life.

Second guessing decisions is not a normal trait I possess. I typically jump in with both feet and learn to swim along the way. I'm not a wishy-washy person. I see an issue, I figure out a solution, and then I make it happen. Well, usually. Leaving my security, and allowing decisions to be made by someone else...took away the control factor I am used to. When I feel like I have some sort of control, I can handle anything. When I feel like there is no control, life spirals for me.

I get annoyed with people that have to second guess my decisions. I don't make them lightly. I do a lot of observing, a lot of listening, and when other people are involved, I watch how they act/respond. Although I am highly opinionated, I do listen to other points of view. That is how I make decisions...my own thoughts, educating myself, and hearing other points of view. My mind is in constant motion. Rarely do I have a single thought. Mostly, there are a dozen thoughts that do with each issue I face.

Finding another farm, that will provide me the security I need, is a high priority. I need that security but also that piece of mind. I grew to love the freedom I felt on our farm. Raising our own animals, growing our own vegetables, and a home that allowed plenty of room for all; is an adjustment I don't want to be permanent. Selling our farm up north, will give us a little more room to work with here. That is a chapter that I am ready to close and lock. Our lives have taken root here in the south. While there is still adjusting to the differences, the life itself here is remarkable.

As I grow personally, I have gotten to the point of being ready to let go of old. It's long past time to embrace the new, while incorporating my favorite parts of the old. I will have garden(s), eventually I will have the livestock with us again, and eventually there will be another farm with room to store all the preserved food, and fresh meat I can raise! Until then, I keep adapting and trying to relearn the art of going with the flow.

There isn't room for second guessing in my life. I know what I know, and that can't be changed. However, I can always learn more, and will do so willingly! I will leave the second guessing to those that would like to think they know something about my life. ;) They fall into the same category as those that like to talk behind others backs.

Have a great Wednesday all!
Salli