The ending of my 2013 book....

GOOD BYE 2013!!!!

We are rapidly coming to the end of 2013. While the year started out pretty good, it rapidly changed and has thrown off my inner balance. I believe an inner balance is necessary to keep an inner peace and manage stress. When my inner balance is thrown off, so is my inner peace and my ability to deal with stress becomes minimal at best! It causes much distress and causes my inner peace to just disappear.

I have tried to deal with so much stress since March, but I have just been unable to deal with too much this year. I have to say, this has been a year of finding many weaknesses, finding that people aren't who they seem to be, that even though life is good...there are many situations that are bad, and spending too much time with negative people will draw you down to their level. Not to mention, the fleetingness of life itself, and friendships that were based off lies, deceit, and convenience. I have found that people in general do not take friendship and loyalty serious anymore.

In the same sense, I have seen so many beautiful sights. Watching my children play everyday, watching their eyes light up when they learn something new, seeing their personalities develop and just to watch them grow and change every single day; is such a blessing. I have been given an extraordinary opportunity to be with my kids every day. I wouldn't know what to do without them. Even though I have decided that they benefit just as much as I do, from an occasional break from each other. I have always believed that a good mom is 100% devoted to her kids. Before I get hate mail, I still believe that the roll of a Mom is to be there for her kids, I do understand that different people have different beliefs about what being there for her kids means. For me; I work from home, I home school my kids, we have a business at home, plus we have a small homestead/farm. This means I am home basically 24/7. I am also with my kids basically 24/7. While I hear a lot of people saying they couldn't do this, I can tell you, you do what you must. This is what, mostly, works for us.

I have some friends that get upset with me for not making time to do things with them. While it does upset me that I can't get together with some of them more, I have responsibilities here that have to take precedence. For us to get away as a family, is about impossible. It takes a lot of planning, arranging for some one to do the daily chores, and take of the business stuff here. It's a lot planning, even for an over night trip. I have gotten to where I hate driving and have even considered giving up my license. So, for me to drive anywhere, is a stretch. Not to mention, when I do go somewhere, I ALWAYS have the kids with me. I have gone out with local friends a total of 2 times in 10 years...without kids or my husband. My husband and I get out together, without kids, usually about 3-4 times a year. Otherwise, we are home. A lot of people don't understand this, and I have even been told that I have become dependent instead of independent. To some degree this is right, but I take my responsibilities VERY seriously.

I have struggled with my own weaknesses this year. I have been a strong, independent, and goal oriented person the better part of life. So, when I am shown so many things that I am unable to do for any number of reasons, it throws off my equilibrium. It throws off my entire mindset when there are too many all at once. There are goals for 2013 that I did not meet...a first in many years for me. I do not handle failure well, and when I don't meet my own goals, that's exactly what I feel like.

I have dealt with more aches, pains and injuries this year than any other year I can think of. As I get older, I find it does take longer to get past injuries than it used to. I've dealt with feet pain for the better part of 20 years, and it's a daily ache but the few injuries this year were actual pain. Falling in the garden and hurting my hip...which still gives me fits on occasion being the biggest. After having back labor with my oldest, my back has hurt daily too. This year it seems to be more so than past years. Not to mention injuring my knee earlier in the year. I have decided I really need to get back to yoga and an exercise program so that maybe my body temple will quit hurting me and getting injured over ridiculous things.

This year, I have found that even though people can be good friends, they aren't best friend material. Friends are loyal, there for you in times of good and bad, they don't leave you stranded, they make time for you - even if it's just a phone call. They don't belittle or degrade you, they stand beside you. They don't talk behind your back but defend you when others do. I am never intentionally rude to anyone! So, in the coming year, I am planning to make some changes to the people I call friends. Those closest to me, that are my true friends, have no worries. The rest should understand that: how you treat me, is how I will be treating you. If you don't like the way I treat you, maybe you should evaluate how you are treating me and others around you.

This year, in my household, we have been busy. While I'm not sure exactly what we did, we were busy being busy. I will not continue to live our lives this way. While there are a few things I can't easily change due to geographic issues, the things I can change will be. We have done a lot to our hayfield in the 2 years we have been here, but it's time to slow it up a little and start enjoying life. We have 2 kids that are growing up rather quickly and I don't want to have regrets that we missed an opportunity to do something with them. The oldest is now a teenager, and those years are rapidly winding down that we will have with him. We have forgotten to make a life while making a living.

For my own personal story, this year has been trying at best. We have lost 3 amazing people, had both my mother-in-law and father-in-law down with health issues and surgery, had my step-father-in-law injured and having surgery, my own injuries, connecting with people only to be used and taken for granted, a constant emotional battle of being pulled with my family here and my extended family 400 miles away, having to give up multiple job offers that could have been beneficial to us, trying to find balance between my family, friends, and my own interests, trying to teach my children to live an intended life when I can't lead by example, struggling through emotions I don't understand, and attempting to keep life moving forward through it all. I just turned 39 2 days ago. Age is just a number to me. I don't allow myself to use excuses for much of anything. However, I have found myself doing just that the last few months. Not to mention, the old adage of "fake it till you make it." I have put a smile on, done what is expected and muddled through the holidays this year. This is not natural for me. Winter is usually my favorite time. It's a time of rest for Mother Nature, that allows nature to reawaken, renewed come Spring. I have found my my mental energy so awake and restless over the past 2 months...it's unnerving! I have wrote down my goals for 2014, I will achieve these goals to the best of my ability, but one of the biggest goals for 2014 is "not to beat myself up so badly when I do not reach the goals I've set." This has been a really BIG issue for me the last 3 months. So, I'm not going to beat myself up, degrade myself, belittle myself or allow anyone else to do so either. I do not EVER ask for much, so when I do...I feel it is deserved or needed. I am very traditional or as some say...vintage. I prefer older stuff. I love garage/yard sales. I love to find old stuff and make it new again. I am the type of person who would love to take old barns/houses that have fallen or been torn down, and reuse the materials to build a new house or barn. I love the old, weathered materials and the items that are tried and true. We redid my kitchen in September, and we found an old sink in a house that was falling down. The sink is a 1958 model. It's a double sink with the white porcelain cover. On the white are several black spots(the steel underneath showing through.) and to me that is the most beautiful sink I have ever seen! It has the double sinks and double washboards. I love it! I have found old furniture at yard sales for less than $10 and taken them home to redo them. I have old clothes that have holes or stains, sitting in bags to use for blankets, quilts, or pillows. I have taken old jewelry that is broken and made a new piece. That is what I love, and the last year...I haven't made time for any of it. I busy myself with constant housework(which is pointless with kids!), and juggling one crisis after another. I can not allow this to continue. Even my gardens this year were let go. When we finally emptied the gardens, there were weeds as tall as me. This is not customary for me. My gardens are typically my pride and joy. Even though the gardens did great this year, they looked horrible! I didn't get everything planted that I had planned to, I didn't get my landscaping finished, I didn't get my courtyard done, and my truck looks like I took it mudding(inside and out!) Finances this year were atrocious! I was unable to juggle everything as I have in the past let alone keep up! I have never been so unorganized or felt so scattered as I have the past 6 months. I refuse to continue on this path. I do not like the person I have been the last 6 months. I have had no patience with anyone or anything, I have been afraid of myself and my thoughts. It's time to get back to the person I like and want to be.

As I close my 2013 book, I am determined to get back to solid ground in 2014. I hope you all have set goals for 2014, not resolutions, but actual real goals!

~Sal

My "busy" life....

It's kind of strange when you are trying to pinpoint an exact issue, only to find that there isn't just a single issue but instead, a multitude of issues that have been lumped into one. This is something that has been weighing on my mind for a few months. It has felt like issue, after issue has taken hold of my emotions and my personal peace of mind. I have tried to push them to the back of my mind, and put on that fake smile to get through the holidays. Then, I tell myself, I will face the issues and resolve them after the first of the year. I will tell you....I need to resolve them now.

I read an article this morning that my cousin had shared on Facebook. It's one of those reads, that make you look around your house to make sure there aren't any "hidden" cameras. It was like reading a play book, for the way my days play out. I have become the very person, I promised myself as a child, I would never become. I have neglected to be the Mom I wanted to be, but also the wife I wanted to be. I have allowed my own negative self-perception to spill over to how I treat my children. I allowed the views of others to influence how I treat my kids, since there is such a large age difference. I have allowed outside opinions of the "correct" way to raise a child or the fact that my children are older than most for some of the things they do, to actually change the way I want to raise my kids.

I have always believed that children thrive when given room to grow. I don't believe in hovering over my children so much, that they never have a chance to experience things. It doesn't matter that there will be times they will get scrapes and scratches...we all have, and we are much wiser in our choices in the future. There will be times they will get their heart broke, whether it be due to a bad choice in friendships or a relationship that ends. That is part of life that happens, and we grow from. There are so many other experiences I believe children should experience...but forcing them to follow the models of what everyone else is doing...is NOT one of them. I don't want my children to blindly follow what everyone else is doing. I want them to know how to think for themselves...not just to be told what to think. I want them to understand that when they make a decision, that decision has a result. That result may be positive, but there may also be consequences to poor decisions. I want them to own up to their mistakes but also to find a common sense approach to fix those mistakes and not have to keep making them. I want my children to grow up with a solid foundation of not only life, but living too. I want them to know how important it is to keep material items to a minimum, keep their debts down too, and be able to make a living but also to know the importance of making a life too.

When my oldest was a toddler, I can remember taking so much time to play with him. We'd be outside Spring-Fall playing basketball, soccer, or drawing on the sidewalks with chalk. I spent so much time playing when he was younger. Since my youngest was born, it's been a constant flurry of always being busy. There's always a million reasons why I don't have the time to play with her. I am always trying to get our house clean(and keep it clean), always trying to keep in touch with friends and relatives through the computer. There's always a phone ringing - cell or house. There's always a mess in our house...and I am always embarrassed to have anyone just drop in because of it...and I am always apologizing for it too. My daughter still has her bottle when she goes to sleep at night and still wears pull ups at night too. Now, before I get any crappy emails....Do not judge me until your closet if free of skeletons! I pushed my oldest to get rid of the bottle, diapers, and that baby stage very early. While he did fine, the youngest does not. The more you push her the more she pushes back....and the worse it gets around here. I love that BOTH my kids still believe in the Christmas magic. Both my kids still love to curl up on my lap and cuddle...mind you the oldest is 13, and weighs more than I do...but even when he's joking around he'll climb up there and laugh that he still fits. I love knowing my children aren't afraid to voice their independent thoughts even when it goes against what others believe. While there are times, I wish they were a little more tactful about it, they just have never been taught to bite their tongue.

My children are not a problem. They are the best gift, the best choices, and the best of my husband and I. Me, on the other hand, I am a problem. I am so hard on my self, have become a very self-doubting person, and honestly quite negative over the past year that I have neglectfully projected this onto my children. I am constantly on their cases about the way they talk, act, the things they are doing, the messes they make, their refusal to help me around the house, their ideas, and the very independence I have taught them to have. I have become so unhappy with myself, that I reflect that unhappiness on them. It's by no means their faults, and my life would have zero meaning without them.

I have always been taught that failure is not an option, and your outside appearance in the most important. While some of this came from my younger years, some of it has come from my own desire to better than others. Now, this isn't meant the way it comes across...I just saw my parents struggle when I was younger, I have watch them struggle with my step-parents, I have seen other family and friends struggle too. Whether it's financial struggles, relationship struggles, or even their own self-worth struggles...I always wanted to be better than that. I want my family to fit the "perfect image" of a family. I grew up with all the statistics of the perfect family....you know, 2 kids, 2 pets, and 2 vehicles. I am analytical by nature by some times, you have to ignore all the "perfects." There have been several "failures," in my life. I say "failures," because although they weren't the outcomes I had planned for, there were many lessons learned...so they were more of unplanned successes than failures. There were people, situations, and even events that didn't end as I had hoped; they ended the way they needed to for me to learn from them.

Even now, as I write this, I am learning from my own "failures", the very failures that have caused me so much grief over the last few months. This writing has helped me to open my eyes, and I believe it will help me to once again, better myself. Friendships that have become too negative and quite toxic, the poor image I keep of myself, the negative and hurtful way I speak to my children sometimes...it's time to move on and eliminate them. It's time to let me shine again. It's time to change my own outlook, my own negativity, and open my eyes to the many blessings I have right in front of me.

Changes are never easy, but then again, nothing worth having ever lacks hard work, dedication, and the desire itself to change. So, as we approach the last 2 weeks of the year, I am finding the desire to make changes is very strong. The changes are going to happen, probably in stages. The first of the changes is my projection of what and who my children should be, the image of what makes a perfect home, my own mental image has to begin changing as well. Not to mention some physical changes that will begin...namely exercise and to quit smoking once and for all. So, as I end the year, I will be working toward some new goals. I will also start my new 2014 chapters with more changes.

I refuse to allow any more time to be wasted being to busy to enjoy life. Life is such a fleeting thing anyway, that it's just not acceptable, to just get by and not enjoy every minute of it. I may not be able to change the world, but I can change MY world. I WILL change MY world.

So, here's to a new state of mind, and some elbow grease!
Salli

Determind or stubborn...either way, it gets things done.

Determined by definition:
de·ter·mined
adjective \-ˈtər-mənd\

: having a strong feeling that you are going to do something and that you will not allow anyone or anything to stop you

: not weak or uncertain : having or showing determination to do something

Stubborn by definition:
stub·born
adjective \ˈstə-bərn\

: refusing to change your ideas or to stop doing something

: difficult to deal with, remove, etc.

I had a plethora of issues on my mind just a week ago. I had no idea how to handle so many, let alone how to devise a solution to any one single issue...let alone all of them. I took my own advice and decided to manage my stress. We all know that eliminating stress is nearly impossible. I took 2 hours, this past Sunday, and put myself out in nature. I spent time listening to the sounds around me, talking to "myself", taking pictures, and just breathing. Taking time to clear my head, was just what I needed to begin again. Clearing thoughts that are negative, getting a clear view of just what issues you are facing, taking deep and cleansing breaths, and looking to find even a miniscule of beauty not only within but in your surroundings; that is managing stress to me.

To put things into perspective, my stresses are probably not that different from what everyone else deals with. The biggest difference for me, is that I try to always stay positive. I don't like to focus on negative thoughts, and can usually banish those negative thoughts fairly quickly. The last few months, I haven't been able to. Issues have piled up because I neglected to tackle them as they arose, and because of my own neglect...the issues piled up and caused me more stress than I have dealt with for a long time. In turn, that also affected my health, my attitude and my ability to deal with anything else!

Since my childhood, I have always been one that was referred to as independent, stubborn and determined. I have not depended on anyone for much of anything for many years! While this is good in the sense that I can accomplish a lot, it's bad in the sense that I get overwhelmed when I am not accomplishing what I feel I need to. I put a lot of pressure on myself to always succeed, that when I don't it plays havoc on my mind.

I see so many that blame their issues on other people, that I never want to be that way. Yes, others may start the issue, but it is up to us to resolve it. When you can't get past it's because you are unwilling to try. I try not to put myself in that position, but I am only human, and it happens. A few examples: the economy is bad that's why we are broke....um, no. We are broke because we neglected to reducing our spending habits when the world around us was spending money senselessly and we need to learn to budget better. The sicknesses keep taking a hold of us, so we need to run to the doctor again. Again, no! We are sick because it's easier to run to a doctor that to take care of the only body we will ever have. We feed it food like products, put alcohol and tobacco in it that are full of chemicals, and it's so easy to run to a grocery store than to plan for a garden. Job losses are so high and there just aren't any jobs available. Huge NO! There are jobs, you just have to be willing to start at the bottom, work your ass off, and learn to budget. Jobs aren't paying what they used to, the "good" jobs have left, and it's time for you to face that and move on! Yep, you may have to take a job or two at minimum wage, you may have to learn to eat left overs to save some money on groceries, you may have to cut your cable to just basic, you may have to quit eating out, you may have to cut yours trips to just a single trip each week....it's called being responsible, budgeting, and taking responsibility for your own life. Here's an example that just came to a conversation I had this morning. A gentleman was explaining how his health is bad, he is broke, he has used up his unemployment, and can't afford to just work for minimum wage. He has a wife and two kids. Now, before I go on any further, I don't need hate mail....these are my opinions and it works for us! For me, the solution is in the scenario. The wife is working making just over minimum wage...I believe it was $9 an hour. He is currently not working and only has 3 weeks of unemployment left. He's worried about how they will pay their bills when his unemployment runs out. He's what I was told... They eat out 4-5 times a week, they have cable with all the movie channels, they have about $1200 a month they spend on rent, they always have 2-3 televisions going...all the time, they buy all their groceries at the store-as they need them, and are dealing with multiple health issues. While I understand this can be stressful to try to figure out, it has an easy solution if you are willing to take responsibility and do what is necessary. My solution to this issue: First of all, STOP EATING OUT! The average person spends $5 per person per meal to eat out. That would be a savings of $80-100 per week. That's huge! Shut off the stupid noise boxes! All they do is use energy, and cause us to judge ourselves and others. While saving some money once you've had years of excessive spending is difficult...I know! However, you are either willing to make changes to better your life or you're willing to continue the reckless life you are living. His wife works the night shift - 11 at night until 7 in the morning. The kids are on the bus by 7:30 and then she sleeps until they get home. There is absolutely no reason he couldn't take a job working the day shift or even afternoons. Her schedule is set, Monday thru Friday. In this scenario, the cable bill can be knocked down to just basic cable saving roughly $100 per month. So, already there is a savings of $420-$500 just cutting out eating out, and the cable bill. Since he is home all day, he runs to the coffee shop every time he goes to town for something, and has made multiple trips to town in a days time for groceries he forget. So, knowing this, this amounts to another $4 for coffee, $4 at least for gas, $30-50 extra for groceries...this is DAILY! So, on the low side this is costing $80 extra per week. That's $320 per month! So, in this scenario they could save $740-820 monthly in just a handful of cuts.

This scenario brings me to my own issues. While I believe that everyone is dealing with some kind of financial issue, I truly believe that there are solutions to every issue. It just means we have to really look, pay attention and be willing to make tough choices, to solve them. We are no different. While we have made many sacrifices, so that we can live on one income...we have also gotten trapped into the scenario of not being able to get by without modern technology. We did try many things, not only early on, but also within the last couple of years. Some things have worked great, while others have failed miserably! We had a satellite company when we moved to our farm, shortly after we decided to try another one that was supposedly cheaper. Not the case! Now, we are still in a contract for a few more months and paying as much as when we had the other company. However, once the contract is up...we won't have either company! We decided we'd try to raise some cows, for meat and to make a little profit. Another miserable fail that we are still paying on. We still have 3 cows, but 2 are being raised for our family to have meat in the freezer. We bought a used manufactored home, with plans to remodel a room every chance we got(I figured we could do it all within 2 years, HA!). We have managed to remodel only my kitchen. We found multiple issues when we remodeled it that has me terrified to start on another room. What we were told was a 3 year old roof when we bought it 2 years ago, is junk. We have to plan for a new roof next year. The siding is rotting off the outside too. So, that's another project for next year. Our bathroom and closet are about 15 degrees colder than the rest of the house. It's pretty chilly in there this time of the year! So, that is a Winter project that has to get done soon! My in-laws have been dealing with health issues galore lately. One mother-in-law has had health issues that have been severe for 2 1/2 years, a father-in-law that has has back issues for years and had surgery this fall, the other father-in-law taking my son hunting only to climb a tree stand ladder and have it break as he reached the top and fall 15 feet to the ground - breaking 3 ribs, and his arm. Then knowing my own family having health issues that I can never be able to be there for, 2 people that are like another set of parents that have dealt with so much loss over the past 2 years and I couldn't be there for them for any of it. One of my best friends graduating college, after working so hard at her job, and raising a child...again, something I couldn't be there for. Making a trip back home for my class reunion, and having a wound opened up wide again, because I haven't yet dealt with the grief from that. Seeing the people associated with that, and trying not to bawl my eyes out. Trying to juggle our finances to allow for Christmas and taxes this year, after several failed projects that we are having to pay for now. All of this while still trying to keep everyday life going as best as possible, trying to throw in my husbands new business, trying to find a solution for all the other issues I won't discuss and still keep the holiday spirit alive for my kids.

It's overwhelming many times, but I am a strong-willed person and I will get things done. After my nature walk, so much was clearer to me. Just as the photo above...life changes, and even if you are at a stand still you need to make it work for you. That photo, was of leaves that had turned brown, fallen off their life giving source to the ground, being in water that had froze over into a beautiful design and trapped the leaf. That leaf, even though it has died off the tree is still useful and productive! That leaf will break down with the help of Mother Nature, that froze water, and by Spring will become a nutrient that supplies the soils with needed vitamins and minerals to help it become productive once again. So, this has become my mantra, so-to-speak. Even though I am facing a standstill in my personal balance of life, I must still be productive, useful and with careful planning, I will thrive again.

So, for each of you whom are also at a standstill, look for the balance even standing still. It's there...you just have to be willing to look for it. While my balance isn't 100% restored, it is renewed. So, until I can find full balance again, I will still be productive. I have dove into getting my house cleaned and organized(which has been a headache since we moved in!), I will force a smile through the tears, I will look at the holiday season through my kids eyes to see the magic once again, I will stubbornly face whatever issue is thrown at me next with determination and resilience to thrive even in adversity. I will not feel guilty when I can not be, do, or fix every other persons issues. I will learn that no matter how imperfect I am, I am perfectly me and I can only be as good as I am willing to allow myself to be.

I refuse to stray from my own independence, determination, and stubbornness. I am strong-willed enough to pull myself up from the worst depressions, and the most trying times. This time is no different. I will work through each individual issue and find a resolution too. As I do, I will throw myself into little projects that need finished, big projects that need to be started, my favorite holiday of the year, and do only what I am capable of doing.

Salli

My struggling holiday "spirit."

I'm struggling this holiday season. It's my favorite time of the year, but this year I can't seem to find my "spirit." There has been so much going on the past month or two that has thrown my balance way off. It's not really been any one thing, but an over abundance of little things. While I usually try to keep most things to myself, I am really needing to get this off my chest...so to speak. I feel like I am feeling sorry for myself, but I still need to get this out, and maybe I can find my balance again.

After a long time of trying to put my finger on what has been causing my holiday spirit to fall off a little more each year, I believe I have finally figured it out. For about 3 years now, I have noticed that while I've still had some holiday spirit, it gets a little less each year, and this year...it's almost nonexistent. I have pushed myself the last few years to be festive, made myself follow the traditions my family started years ago, and smile through an emptiness that I couldn't explain. The past few years, I have managed only a handful of trips back home. Those trips were: an 8th grade graduation party, a wedding, a funeral, and my 20yr class reunion.

You know, there comes a time in life when you realize just how important some people are to you. For me, this has been the last 3 years. While I have known for many years the importance of my family; husband, and kids. The last 3 years, I have realized how important my extended family is. My parents, my siblings, my aunts, uncles, cousins, and even some of my best friends. I have known for many years that there are people in your life that are irreplaceable. It took the past 3 years though to see that even though you may not still have them physically in your life, that they play such a huge part of your life. It took my grandfather dying before I made it a point to spend more than just a day or two with that side of my family. It brought that entire side of the family back together, even if it was only for a short time. It took this for all my siblings to spend time together again. We laughed, cried, and were hole as a family again.There wasn't any family drama...just the 4 of us and most of our spouses reminiscing, laughing and being kids again. It took a 20 year class reunion to make me realize how many friends I have still back home. Many of them are just like family. It was that same reunion that opened a wound I still haven't been able to accept...the loss of one of my best friends, and mentor. One that I miss so much!

There have been many old wounds that have been opened up over the past 3 years. Some are minor and relatively insignificant. While others have broken my heart to be reliving. Mostly, it has opened my eyes that even though I have a life here that I love, I had a life there that I loved as well. I still feel really torn between my home until I was 23, and my home of the last 16 years. It has slowly been pushing me to find a compromise that won't force me to choose between my family and my extended family.

With the life we have here, it's very difficult to find time(let alone extra money) to make regular trips home. On the other hand, if I don't, I don't know that this crazy spirit nabbing feeling will go away. I am really torn and confused as to how to balance the two but I know in my heart that I need to. I need to find peace within again. I need to balance home, family, extended family, friends and life in general. I believe it's time for some serious nature time. I have busied myself with daily chores, and schedules to avoid seeing and facing the emptiness I have felt for some time. I believe it's time to face this head on before it causes any more issues or illness.

I really want to thank everyone who reads this for allowing me a place to write out my thoughts, sending me beautiful messages and even some of the not-so-nice emails that keep me humble. There is so much in my life that has spun out of control, it keeps me walking on eggshells and has caused me to lose that independence that I had such a reputation for. Maybe someday, I can find it again and continue growing into the person I want to be.

Salli

"What's on your mind?"

"I may not be who I should be or who I want to be but I am better than I used to be!"





Being on social media is sometimes overwhelming. You see all your "friends lists dirty laundry," you are judged by somethings that you post, or like. Yet, you are also able to keep in touch with people that mean the world to you! So, this morning, as I looked through social media to see what everyone was up to, that brilliant little box showed up as it always does. This morning though, it set my mind whirling. That little box always asks: "What's on your mind?" This morning that spoke volumes to me. What's on my mind? Well, what's not on mind lately, would have been the better question! My mind lately seems to be spinning out of control.

Social media has put us all on a different playing field. It's now a field that allows so many others into the game. There isn't much kept to ourselves any more. We share funny phrases or pictures, we share what we are doing in our lives on a daily basis, we share stories, and pictures. We have become a technology driven society. Sometimes, I believe if we turned off the television, turned off the phones, turned off the computers and just focused on our families and our communities, we would see tremendous improvements in both!However, The past 5 days, I have seen how helpful social media can be. November 17th, my hometown was one of many that were devastated by tornadoes. So many friends were affected, some have lost everything they owned, but thankfully, no one in my hometown lost their lives! While I know this is a huge blessing within itself, I can't help but feel heart broken for all the damage that was sustained. My hometown is such an amazing community that has always pulled together in times of need. It's a community I am proud to call my hometown. Most of this week, I have spent at the brink of tears. The tornado that hit my hometown, affected 2 people that I have always considered another set of parents. The were not injured, but lost so much of their personal items. I made a promise to their son, a few years back, that I would keep an eye on them. While this was before he had passed away, and I didn't grasp it at the time, this was a promise that I have no idea how to keep. I now live almost 400 miles from my hometown and it's very difficult for me to get back home. This doesn't mean I won't, it just means that I can't as often as I would like to.

As I have watched people posting their daily "thankful for..." on social media, I can't help but wonder why it takes the month of November for people to remember what they are thankful for. I try to be thankful each and everyday for every blessing in my life. From the miniscule to the life changing, I try to always remember. I don't see a need to single out individual blessings, besides, 30 days just wouldn't begin to cover every blessing in my life. While not all the blessings are understandable at the point when they happen, eventually, it is revealed if you just pay attention. There have been disappoints in my life. There have been instances when I have wished and prayed for something; only to get the exact opposite. Some of those times, I have been upset, even angry...but eventually, I have learned that the very thing I had wished for or prayed for would have taken me places I didn't want to be. The alternative plan, actually led me where I needed to be.

My mind has been really cluttered for several months...long before the tornado. That seems to be just the frosting on the cake. I can't seem to grasp just what is cluttering it, or why, but I know it's just overwhelming. I try to talk to my husband about everything possible. Many times this helps, when we actually get the chance to talk without little ears. sometimes, it doesn't, because it's hard for him to understand. It's not that he doesn't try, but growing up as differently as we did, does still affect our communications. It's harder for men to be sympathetic, when most of them would rather fix a problem, and not talk about it. It's not a bad thing, but it is different for women. Most of us are more analytical than not. We analyze everything, talk about everything, plan and organize everything, and then we fix it. The men I know, just jump into solving the problem and then find all the other "little issues" as they go. Then it becomes a bigger issue for them, as they now have a several more issues than they started with. Most of the men I know, continue to go about fixing the original problem and deal with whatever they have to and then they wipe their hands of it and let it go. Myself, I am not one that is able to just let things go. I have some great friends and many of them I would trust enough to tell anything to, but most of those are a long way away and I hate to bother anyone. I have always been a person to try to do everything on my own. I've heard that referred to as independent, hard-headed, and stubborn, but honestly...I am accustomed to only depending on myself. When I can not accomplish things on my own, then I get overwhelmed, antsy, and extremely moody. Right now, I am to a point of needing a few good friends, and either a few bottles of wine or a whole lot of coffee, and plenty of time to solve the problems of the world!

After a few hours alone last night, I was able to clear my head a little. I had a good cry, a long soak, and a time to be alone with my thoughts. Sometimes, that is the most magical time for me. Time to sort through my thoughts, readjust some of the not so pleasant thoughts, and time to pray. So, as I begin a new day, I am so thankful for every blessing in my life...even those that were unexpected, blessed to have so many beautiful and amazing people in my life, and so thankful that even in my darkest hours I can see those blessings.

As we bring another month to a close, I hope to be able to spend as much time as possible with family and friends, and to enjoy the time with each. I hope that each of you will devote your time to your families, and not rush out for all those "deals" on stuff none of us need.
Happy Thanksgiving to each of you and may you all continue to be blessed!
Salli

I'm in the twilight zone!

Some days, you just have to scratch your head, and wonder when you actually woke up and why the nightmare continues. Many people find themselves facing obstacles in life, whether by their own design or by lack of action when some one else throws in their ideas. While others try to do what's right, what's just and what's fair; they inadvertently allow the proverbial monkey wrench to upset their own balance.

On occasion, you attempt to have a conversation to help solve miniscule issues only to open up a flood gate of issues you had only guessed about. I am a firm believer in communication. I believe that you must be willing to talk, even if it means talking about issues that are hard to solve....or even have no solutions. I think that communication it the key to solving many problems, but sometimes conversations only prove that there are more underlying issues than once known.

Some issues are solvable with a little team work, some elbow grease, and the desire to fix the issue. Some, however, are not. Some issues are not as easy. Those are the issues that really require extended conversations, several options, and for me a lot of meditation and even some prayer. Some issues are controllable, some are not.

I don't claim to have any answers, let alone solutions. I know that, at this point, I am needing some serious meditation time. With multiple issues thrown at me lately, I am overwhelmed.

With my knowledge of how stress factors into illness, I hope to find some meditation time to release these stresses and quiet my mind. My writing helps me to release some stress so I hope you will forgive this post. I just needed a release, one that I get when I write!
Salli

"We interrupt this marriage..........."

"We interrupt this marriage for Hunting Season!"


Every time I hear that phrase it makes me giggle. Never had I heard it until I moved to Missouri! I would have never believed that hunting was so much a part of anyone's life anymore. How was I to know when I was told that I would be a hunting widow, or that all other schedules were changed for hunting season, that it would be true?!

Well, let me tell you, I am a seasoned pro at this whole "hunting widow" thing now. 15 years of different hunting seasons, working our actual wedding in around hunting seasons, and although not planned...both our kids were born outside of a main hunting season. I have gotten to a point of laughing at the insanity surrounding hunting and the long roughly 6 month span of different seasons. As any other women who are married to hunters can tell you, you learn to prepare and plan a little differently.

Once hunting season rolls around, you never fix enough food to just feed your family. You fix enough to feed a small army...you never know who will be stopping in to show off their latest prize. You never depend on your hunter for ANYTHING during hunting season...cause "it ain't getting done!" :) You learn to bite your tongue when they tell the "big buck story" over and over for the umpteenth time(and the size of the deer just keeps getting bigger with every telling!)! You learn to tune out all the conversations about calibers, ballistics, scopes, the best/worst tree stands. The hunting locations have names. These are normal names either! These are names like: the hooch, the bean field stand, the corn field stand, the box blind, the rattle box or the war wagon. You learn to roll your eyes without anyone seeing, so you don't have to hear how "you just don't appreciate hunting," remarks for the eighty-seventh time this season. You learn to prepare the latest prize to eat. Yes, we actually eat what my boys hunt...they don't joy hunt. And, you learn that even though these boys are old enough to go hunting, they aren't old enough to keep up with their blaze orange vests, hats, or mud boots!

While this was something completely foreign to me 15 years ago, I am a seasoned pro now! I know a week before opening morning that the rifles must be sighted in, and heaven forbid they not be able to group the bullets under a quarter! Then there are several more hours of "practice!" I know to stock up on extra food, and that there better be plenty of "grab and go" snacks. I know to remind these boys to get their tags, dig out all their crazy looking camo, reload their shells, and buy more if necessary.

You learn to expect "unannounced visitors," who will be showing off their prize. Not to mention my mighty hunters telling their own tales of the days hunt. Knowing that even if you just smile and nod, you can usually B.S. your way through at least one telling of a deer story. You learn to be able to entertain yourself, how ever you feel is best, to get through the hunting widow stage. Some cook, clean, go shopping or grab a bottle of wine and enjoy the peace and quiet! After the week leading up to rifle season...a good bottle of wine, some peace and quiet is just what we need! As one friend decided....a bottle of wine and a tiara sounded like a great plan! :)

So, as another year has begun, this hunting widow decided to share a humorous look at a life that I didn't know existed 15 years ago! As some younger generations begin to take this same journey, I encourage you to find humor in it. Learn to enjoy your own company(as boys will be boys!) and pull up your big girl panties! It may not always be easy, but for the most part...it's worth it.

I believe I will grab another cup of coffee and start cooking and baking! I believe it's going to be a chili/cornbread night at the Twisted B Ranch tonight!

Happy Deer Season 2013!

Reflecting...

There are many times in life, that I find myself reflecting. That reflection can be on life in general, relationships, family, friends, or any number of other stuff. When I reflect on different aspects in my life, that's when I tend to find peace. Usually though, when I do reflect, it's because something made me slow down enough that I can hear my own thoughts and emotions.

While I am not a religious person, I am a very spiritual person. I truly believe that people and situations are brought into our lives to teach us. I believe from every hardship, every failed relationship, every lost friendship, even the loss of loved ones are intended to teach us something. While I don't always know what that "something" is, I believe in it.

The past 24 months have been quite the ride for our family. It started when my Mother-In-Law became ill in March of 2012. That in and of itself has been a roller coaster of ups and downs and has been very bad for about 3 months now. In November of 2011, I lost one of my very best friends. October of 2012 one of my grandfathers passed away. March of 2013 my husbands grandfather passed away, and now October 2013 my last grandmother passed away. With all the illness and passings, it almost requires you to slow down and think. You can barely recover, emotionally from one thing, before something else is thrown at you.

I am not an overly emotional person, so issues that require emotions tend to make me stop in my tracks. As is the feeling with the loss of any loved one, it's sad and relief at the same time. We will miss their Earthly appearance, yet rejoice in their journey back home without the pain and suffering. When emotions sneak up on me, it throws my balance off. I don't usually cry, but I withdraw into my own thoughts. I slow down and remind myself of the memories made with whomever has passed. It's difficult for me to talk about what I am feeling, because honestly...I'm not always certain.

I find myself looking at the loss of another loved one, wondering what exactly I am supposed to learn from this one. This is 4 losses and one extreme illness in basically 2 years. What am I supposed to be learning? What am I supposed to take away from the lessons each of these people have given to me?

When you are a person who is not emotional, you are married to someone who is not emotional, how do you express your emotions? This has been a difficult day for me, even though I won't show it. It is difficult to go about the daily life I live, the errands and chores that are constantly here, and not have moments when I truly just want to sit and cry. I know me, and I know I will have a time that that's exactly what I'll do. No one will see, no one will know. It will be my time just release the sadness I feel before being the one that everyone depends on again.

Praying that my grandmother has finally found peace and wholeness again. I know she finished her task here on Earth and has returned home to a better place, but I also know that her physical presence will be missed.

~S~

Attitude Adjustment - This Mom needs one!

How is it that you make a single statement in support of a cause you support, and all of a sudden you get barraged with hate mail, and people crawling out of the wood work to jump all over you? You are judged and yet accused of being judgmental towards others. The nasty emails berate you for having an opinion, for voicing an opinion, for being judgmental, for being too "old-fashioned," for not being a productive member of society, for not helping to support your family, for doing emotional harm to children - by being a stay at home parent(Yeah this one made me laugh and get pissed all in the same breath!), and for not being a good wife. These were just a few of the nasty emails I received after posting an article that I liked. One that defended stay-at-home-moms, instead of looking down at us. Instead of looking at us lesser people, or not intelligent.

Yes, this is a subject near and dear to my heart. In 2000, I gave birth to my oldest child. I went to work shortly after. I enjoyed working but during that first couple of years, I missed so many things with him. In addition, I dealt with cancer. I learned real quick that life is so short and fleeting that I wanted to enjoy every minute I could with my child. Even though I have been cancer free for 12 years, it is not something you ever forget! It took us about a year to get everything in order and to cut out the unnecessary things to allow us to live on a single income. It's not easy and there were MANY sacrifices. Would I change it? HELL NO! We do not spend foolishly, nor do we have many "brand name" items, but we have something so much more important....a family with strong values, strong ties, and a respect for each other that is unbreakable!

After having the cancer, surgery and medications....I was told I would never have any more children. This opens your eyes to so much. I adjusted and devoted my life to my little miracle. For 8 years, I spent every minute possible with my son. I would work for brief periods when finances got too tight, but mostly I was at home. We never have babysitters, only family has watched our kids. I watched and was part of my child's education, and teaching him everything I could. We had entrusted him in public education until the end of his 3rd grade year. The entire 3rd grade year was horrible, and we couldn't figure out why. By the end of that year, he finally told us why and it explained all the scrapes, scratches, crying, and begging not to go to school...but still having a "A" report card. He had dealt with a bully the entire year. This child had a history of mental illness, including trying to stab a teacher with a pencil. This child had threatened my son, and told him he would kill his family if my son said anything. After 3 months of dealing with the school district, we were told by the administration, our only option was to withdraw our son from the district. That's exactly what we did! Since then, we have home educated him, and he is doing exceptional!

In 2008, we were surprised to learn of another little miracle. Our daughter. In 2009, we welcomed our second child into our family. That little addition sealed the deal for me. I was a mom, first and foremost, to 2 precious little children. While it has been a complete challenge re-learning how to handle little ones, both of my children were miracles in every sense of the word. So, as I had been doing some work-from-home things, I knew I had to have something to keep my mind sharp while I was tending to the task of raising my children. So, I found a company that would allow such opportunities, and have been with them ever since. I went back to school and completed an 18 month course in about 7 months, and finished #3 in my class, with a 96%. I am back in school again at this time. I have continually studied to not only better myself, but to continue bettering my children to live as productive members of society.

In 2011, when we bought our little farm, I knew there would be so much to learn. This was not how I had grown up. In the short time we have had our farm, we have taken it from a barren hayfield to a working and productive farm. I am constantly learning about livestock, row crop, hay and improving my gardening abilities. We work hard to make the best possible home life for our family. While outside opinions don't really mean much to me, there are times when ignorance sets me on fire. Most times I won't argue with ignorance(as in the lack of knowledge!) but there are times when I will speak up. As anyone who deals with people will tell you, stupidity is not a fixable thing. If people aren't willing to learn, and would rather just argue or have chosen to stay ignorant of certain issues....there isn't anything anyone can do. That's when it's time to walk away from that negativity, that ignorance and just bless and release those people.

As I have spent a large part of my life dealing with issues, it wasn't until I became a mom that I was able to see things differently. It was then that my world, wasn't just mine. My world had become a world of doing what was best for myself, my husband and my children. Many won't agree with the choices you will/are making, and that's ok. Many will try to degrade or belittle you for your choices and that's ok too. However, until you do what you feel is best for your family, you will just always be following the crowd. I chose an unconventional way of life from the way I grew up, but it was the best direction for my family. You will learn how to get very think skin, how to tune out people that are constantly belittling you, those who just want you to "think" about what you are doing, and you will find the thousands of others that have chosen the same direction as you....no matter which direction you choose.

I don't believe that there is a right or wrong way to raise children, just a way that works for each individual family. As I readjust my attitude after a really bad day of insulting and negative emails, I want to encourage each of you reading this to do what is best for your family. Whether you are a hard-working Mom that has a career or a hard-working Mom that stays at home, stay true to your beliefs, and you will never regret it!

Moms are people so important in children's lives that we can not negate it, but we, as Mom's, must band together. We must support each other in our individual life style choices and not degrade or belittle when a Mom chooses a different path than we have. We are all Mom's. We all want what is best for our children, we all want health, happiness, and safety for our children. How we choose to help our children will vary, but as a Mom, it's not my job to judge how you raise your children...even if it is different than I raise mine. It's our job as Mom's, to support other Mom's, no matter their choice of raising their children, and to be respectful. It is our jobs, to raise our children the best we know how, and maybe all our children will be more respectful of others, and more tolerant too.

For this Mom to every Mom, I support you, I respect you, and I applaud you for the tremendous jobs you are doing!
Salli
Mo

Happy October!

Welcome October!!!!!!!!

I, for one, am thrilled to realize it's October! While the final 4 months of every year are crazy for us, I look forward to each and every one of them. We have so much going on this year, and it's been added to the already busy schedules. Because of the late Spring planting, it's been a late Fall harvest. It's October and I am still canning, when usually I am finished by mid-September. While I am NOT complaining at the prospect of having so much food preserved this year, I am ready for my Fall hobby of photography.

We live in such a beautiful area for Fall/Spring photography. Lots of trees, fields, farms, old barns, etc. just dot the landscape and the Fall colors are simply out of this world. While I am in no way professional, this has become a passion for me. Now, I just need to get a great camera that will capture my world as I see it. I have a good camera, that has taken thousands of pictures, won me a little bit in landscape photography, and captured my most treasured memories with my babies...it's just about worn out.

The Fall weather always brings my soul alive. Fall and Winter are my 2 absolute favorite seasons. Fall awakens my spirit and helps me find balance in my senses. It reminds me of the beauty that is around me, every single day. It's the time when my schedules begin to slow a little, and I am able to feel grounded again. It's the start of 6 full months of pure, natural beauty to me. The time of year that allows soils to rest and begin to rejuvenate for Spring planting, a time for the trees to release their colorful leaves to re-fertilize the soils, time for nature to begin her process of sleep and provide for us a fertile Earth come Spring. This time of the year is always an awakening for me. I love being out in nature and to see the natural beauty provided to us by Mother Earth.

Winter for me, is another favorite. I love the snow falls, the beautiful white blanket that covers the ground is just awesome! I look forward to the first snowfall and much as I do every other snowfall all Winter. I love the beautiful decorations of Christmas, all the compassion shown throughout the season. I love every part of Winter! The cold, the snow, the beauty, the holidays with family, and the treats!

As I close out September and finish up my gardening and canning, I am super excited for my typical Fall activities! I am anxiously awaiting my trips into nature! Be watching my Facebook page for new pictures in the coming month! Not to mention the start of Christmas decorating is set to begin in just a few weeks!!!! :)

I hope each of you will take some time out of your busy schedules and go explore the natural beauty around you! Make sure you take a few deep breaths and wash away the stale, and negativity.

Finding balance.....
~Sal

'tis the season....

As many of my Facebook friends will tell you, I count down Christmas all year! Once September arrives, it gets crazy busy around here, but it's one of my most favorite times of the year. This year, I am adding in a little extra. I will explain all this in just a minute. First and foremost is my love of Christmas. Not the gifting so to speak, but the beauty, the kindness that is shared usually only during the holiday seasons, the time we spend with our family and my birthday. Most people cringe when you talk to them about their birthday, even teasing about being 29 forever. Not me! This year is my last year in my thirties, I will be 39. My 20s and 30's were some of my best memories! I married my husband at 25, had my first baby at 26, had my second baby at 34, and we bought our farm when I was 36. I am ready to see what the next decade will bring!


Every year, I spend October through January baking. I do this once the weather starts to cool off, and my own holiday spirit kicks into overdrive. I can't tell you how many dozens of cookies, brownies, loaves of bread, and cakes I make from October through January! It's probably some unheard of number! I love to share all these baked goods with anyone I can. Seeing someone smile, or knowing that I have made something from scratch and given someone else a healthy choice to snack on, is the most amazing feeling. I am a giver by nature. I truly get the most joy from giving. Getting gifts is nice, but I do feel uncomfortable taking gifts...that is not my nature. While I usually get amazing gifts that I use on a regular basis, and I love them, it's hard for me to express my appreciation when receiving a gift.

This year has been a little upended from normal. The Spring weather pushed my garden planting back about 2 months later than normal, and now my canning is still going on when it's normally done by August. I love knowing my family will have the necessary food for the Winter months, it's a lot of working putting all the food up. I run in cycles with my gardening/canning. I am geared up and impatient for Spring to arrive, plant the gardens and excited wait to start seeing the first signs of plant growth, bust my tail to keep up with the weeds in all 3 gardens, start harvesting the first vegetables. Then a bulk of the gardens come ready(usually about the same time!), I rush around canning the bulk harvest, have a few fresh vegetable meals, then the later harvest happens and it's a little slower pace. By the time the tomato plants, pepper plants, and pumpkins are ready I am about burned out with canning! I rush to get through the last harvest(normally!) so we can get ready for our crazy Septembers. So, by the 1st of October, I am geared up to start my holiday baking. This year, we are 3 days away from the 1st of October, and I am STILL canning! Temps are still up near 80, although the days are starting in the 50's. By 3 in the afternoon, the house is warm, and worse if I am cooking or baking, and it's too hot to be excited about Fall! So, until the weather gets much cooler, I am delaying some baking! Maybe by the end of next week, I will be finished with my canning, and the weather will get back to normal. I am a firm believer in the predictions of the Old Farmers Almanac, and love hearing the older local farmers talk about their predictions....I am finding that the predictions of a colder/snowier Winter this year better hurry up! I am ready for snow fall, cold weather, hot coffee and hot chocolate, homemade goodies, bonfires, the beautiful decor that Fall and Winter provides right out my windows!

As we wind down Fall and head to Winter, my house becomes a whirl of activity! We start putting up the outdoor lights in late October(saves hubby from freezing his tush off when the weather changes), Christmas decor begins going up in November. Yes, I know that Thanksgiving is in November...but I see no good reason not to enjoy the Christmas decor from November through January! We have an open house for neighbors, family and friends in early December. It's a beautiful time to enjoy everyone, and a whole slew of homemade treats too! Last year I made 25 different types of cookies, several types of candies, had cake, crackers and dips, hot cocoa, spiced tea, sweet tea, and coffee. This year I am considering adding a little more! Then we have Christmas. 3 different families to share time with, our own Christmas and at some point time with both sets of my parents too. Then comes a great time for me. The time I get to celebrate getting another year older(and hopefully, wiser!). This year is a special year for me. My last year in my 30's.

That brings me to my new addition to my schedule. I will be 39 this year, the end of a decade. Next year will be a new adventure, a new decade....40's. This year, I have told my family that I don't want gifts. I am going to use my birthday, and the 27 days leading up to it, to do 39 random acts of kindness. My gift to everyone else. This is in addition to my children's community service school work of random acts of kindness from November 1st through the end of December. While we are not in the upper crust of people that can afford to give a gift to everyone, what better way to help others, celebrate the gift of each new day, and be able to give something to everyone...even if it is just holding doors for others. We are working towards a large donation to our local food pantry right now, for Thanksgiving. We have offered to help box/package food for November and December food distribution, as well as gathering items that can be donated.

I find it very important that my children understand that some do need a hand up when they are knocked down, when they mostly see hands outs to those unwilling to earn their own living. I think it's necessary for them to be willing to work hard, knowing that they won't receive a dime, while also knowing that when you work hard you receive the personal gratitude of their hard work with or without the reward of payment. I think they need to be willing to help everyone, even those that can do nothing to help them. I do not want them to think or behave in a way that they will help people only so long as they are going to receive some sort of payment. While their community service activities are part of their school work, it's just as much a part of helping them develop their personality and compassion.

So, as we go from now through January, I hope to lead my children by example in the way of helping our community. I hope to build these 2 little people that we brought into this crazy world to see more than just one side of life. I hope to help them become productive members of society with compassion, wisdom, intelligence, and knowledge.

As we finish out 2013, and welcome in 2014, we get into the final month of my beautiful Christmas decor. That's when I do some deep cleaning while putting our beautiful decorations back into their packaging. We will celebrate my hubby's 39th birthday the end of January, and I begin to get the itch to garden again with each new seed catalog.

We have a pretty busy schedule year round, but September through January are some of my favorite times. Once we get through January, February is usually pretty quiet but March starts a whole new madness. Spring planting, our youngster's birthday, garden planning, garden planting, fertilizing the hay ground, then comes late Spring and early Summer. Hay baling, garden harvests, and Summer holidays. And then we begin the Fall activities all over.

So, as I said before, "'tis the season!" It's the season of beauty, and compassion. Here's my countdown as of today!!!!

Halloween : 34 days away
Thanksgiving: 62 days away
Winter Solstace: 85 days
Christmas: 89 days
My 39th birthday: 92 days
2014: 95 days

I encourage everyone to get out there during the next 95days and do some sort of random act of kindness every day! Imagine what a great world it would be if everyone did a single act of kindness every single day!

~Sal

One of our busiests months - September!

Everyone has hectic lives! We are no different. Harvest has begun, our gardens are still producing and we are attempting to salvage everything possible from them, It's Rodeo month, our oldest's birthday, a local festival, the old settlers gathering, and then we threw in remodeling our kitchen, our fall calving, finishing our pigs, building new fence, and finally getting a driveway into the mix!

As crazy as life seems to get we find that our family time seems to be our most valued times. We are only able to eat 1 meal per day as a complete family, but the kids and I eat 3 a day together. Meal time is when we catch up on each others day, discuss up coming schedules, and just exist as a family unit. With our schedules as full as they are, it usually doesn't seem overwhelming...at least until the month of September arrives! Then the chaos has me overwhelmed and edgy!

We are preparing for J's 13th birthday party, it's been a complete whirlwind trying to complete several projects while adding in the party projects. We are roasting a hog this year, which is a first. It's usually burgers and hot dogs. Since this is a milestone year into being a teenager, we wanted to change things up a bit. So we added the pig, soaking it in a brine, and smoking it to the chaos. We will be starting to cook the pig at 3 am Saturday morning. Oh, the things we do for our children!

With all the party prep, we were trying to finish the kitchen as best as possible, to make it look presentable. I have to say the kitchen is finally a workable kitchen. My husband did an outstanding job of making it a dream kitchen for me, with what we had to work with. Although he is not a carpenter, and he will tell you as much, he did an amazing job!!! He found me a great old sink, he built all my open shelving, we hung drywall, painted, he built a sink cabinet that is absolutely awesome!, built me an amazing spice rack and a pantry that holds everything I wanted it to! While my perfect dream kitchen would be huge, all old fashioned with an old wood cook stove, a fireplace and wood beams....my kitchen now is as close to perfect as possible! It's beautiful!!!!

This is just one wall of the new and improved kitchen!

As we prepare for 3 more weeks of crazy busy, I am anxious for Fall and the cooler weather. I am so happy to be back to my favorite time of the year!Have a great September all!

~S~

Chapter 8 - August

August 1st.
I am going to attempt to start this month out and finish it up as I planned to from the start of the year. Life has gotten really hectic around here, and I am personally finding the stress more and more unbearable. If any one you have read my blog: Trying to find balance, you know that I am struggling.

By most standards, I have the perfect life, and I won't dispute that. However, having the perfect life from an outside view and having a perfect life behind close doors are much different. While I have a husband that is home every night, 2 beautiful kids, a beautiful home, and get to be home to raise my kids, I have no identity as an individual anymore. I left everything I had ever known 16 years ago and moved into a life that was much slower, much smaller and I had no idea how to live it. A year later I met my husband and have dealt with the feeling of inadequacy for 15 years. I gave up many jobs to keep arguments at a minimum, I have slowly given up trips back to my home town to save money, and minimize the stress at home. I don't see or talk to many of my friends from my home town anymore. I have just a handful of people here that I trust to talk to, and there isn't much chance to make any new friends when I spend my entire life here at home. I have become very introverted and uncomfortable when I have to leave home. Which is a far cry from the person I was 15 years ago.

So, I am on a mission. I need to find a real balance between the person I want to be, the goals/dreams I have, and the person I am needing to be for my family, husband and kids. I have no idea how to do this, but I am going to do my best. I know that I have to find a balance to thrive not only as a wife and mom, but also as a person...as Salli.

August 2nd.
You know, there are times that some good old fashioned conversation is exactly what you need to find a new perspective. Fortunately, I have a handful of friends that I trust completely, and one of them happened to stop out yesterday. While she needed to vent about some things happening in her life, I need to vent about a few things in mine and a few situations that I wasn't sure how to handle. I normally try talking to my hubby about everything, but when he doesn't want to hear it or is fast to respond with letting everything roll off my back....sometimes I need to just talk. After 4 hours of conversation yesterday, I had a much clearer mind, and much calmer one at that!

Over the past 5 years or so, I have become more of a hermit. Not really against will, because I love being at home, but also to save money and stress. I don't do much besides leave for groceries or once in a great while we actually get to go out with other adults. Those years have also been spent reflecting on my life, the issues in my life, the issues with family, and parts of my past that have haunted me. I made a lot of mistakes in my younger years, and there were a lot of issues that I still don't fully understand, that changed me. While I refuse to dwell in my past and whine with the "poor me," pity party, some things from my past still hurt me. Fortunately, I have found some amazing people over the years, and each one has helped me to deal with those things, and even move on from some of them. There have been 8 people to be exact. I am not as cold and disconnected as I was for several years. While I can not mention names in whole, DJ, MS, BC, JL, RB, BH, JR, RW, and Coach...because of each of you I am a better person today!

As I am a firm believer in journaling, so times I will review journals from different times in my life to see if there are patterns or recurrences of situations. This is extremely important for me. I find that bay analyzing everything I am able to not become a better person, but I am also able to learn from my experiences. As I go through a new month(chapter) I am determined to try to reconnect Salli, with Salli. I am determined to find the individual person that has been lost for so many years. With each conversation, each journal entry, and each new understanding, I am getting closer to being a whole, happy person.

We are each a regular work in progress and I plan to be truly living my life, and not just existing. I will be a whole person - wife, mom and most importantly....Salli.

August 5th -
Finding balance is proving to be a challenge. I was fortunate to have a considerable amount of garden therapy time this weekend. During my gardening time, I am able to just relax and meditate(sort of). I have spent the last 5 years re-examining many areas of life. While trying to find true happiness, you have to exam yourself on the inside. This meaning you have to look within to find yourself. You have to be willing to look to yourself for happiness in all areas of your life, for only you have the power to make yourself happy or unhappy. While I know all this, it's been a long process for me, trying to find peace within, and allow myself the happiness I know I deserve.

There have been several areas of my life that I have looked at over the years. From my childhood, to my relationships and even looking at my marriage; there are areas that still haunt me. I know it's said that you must forgive in order to move beyond but some areas, I have not been able to forgive. Some areas are still that proverbial thorn in my side. Some areas I don't believe can ever be forgiven, and although my heart says to forgive and move on since I know some things will never change. My mind and my spirit are both screaming to say what I need to before I move on, before I can move on. However, to do so, would make a lot of areas of my life a complete mess, and I'd lose a few people in my life that I really don't want to.

As meditating for me goes, I found a thought and it helped me calm my mind. "Family and friends are one in the same. While most family is related through blood, some family and friends are related not by blood. Some times, those friends are closer than family." While we can not choose our family, we can choose those which we associate with. For me, I associate with all my family but there are a few that I don't associate with often and by spending less time with them, it keeps my mind and mouth in check. Friends are the same way. I have a handful of friends that I know I can talk to about anything. No judgements, no grief, and honest conversations about everything. While there are a few friends that only know things that should they happen to be made public, aren't a big deal. Those close friends that I share everything with only account for about 5 people. Once again, those are the friends I would trust with everything!

I still have a lot of work to do on myself to find balance but I am getting there. I am a constant work in progress. I do however, have a good grasp on where I am going and who I want to be. I will find my balance, find my inner peace again, and I will find my happiness again.

August 8th -
Sometimes I just want to sit back and watch the chaos around me. I hear people complaining of being sick, having pain issues, having life issues and just constant drama. I watch, as an outsider, the back stabbing and judging that takes place between people that are supposedly close. It makes you wonder who you can trust and depend on. As soon as you mention your observations, many people automatically turn to the guilty conscience response of "I'm sure not that way!" If something said, hits that close to home, more than likely you are "that way." In our house we don't play those games. We are who we are, and if/when people don't like that, it's too bad. While I am notorious for not completely speaking my mind, as I feel some things are best left unsaid, there are times that I do not filter what I say. Let me tell you, that ends up causing me more grief than it's usually worth! Other times, I really regret not saying something that I probably should have.

Because there are many issues in our lives that are touchy, I have learned to keep to myself. I try to avoid dealing with those issues and those people that cause the issues. However, when you do have to socialize with those people, it becomes very tense and not enjoyable. So, once again I withdraw from almost everyone, just to save myself the grief and frustration that always comes. Fortunately, my hubby is very good about helping to curb those times and is usually there by my side to help me deal with whatever the situation is. Even though he and I have our share of issues, and differing opinions, we talk about almost everything and find workable compromises on everything.

So as thoughts go, this is today's thoughts. Off to find some balance to start my day!

August 10th -
I have struggled all my adult life to distinguish myself on my own, away from my family and the life I once led. Some days I find it difficult to not get overwhelmed. On occasion, I will sit down and write my husband a letter. It's usually a bunch of thoughts to help him understand the emotions and challenges I deal with. Many times I don't talk to him about them because I attempt to deal with everything myself to save him hearing more drama than he already deals with. When I finally get to the point of being totally overwhelmed, that's when he gets these letters. While we do talk about most things, and everything with the kids, there are still some issues I deal with because I am the one that is home and he's got enough other dramas with his work.

This week has been another one of those weeks that, I am just completely overwhelmed and not feeling all that confident in my ability to do anything!I work very hard to learn everything I can, all the time. Sometimes, when learning all this new stuff, I learn really quickly that I am not able to do something. I hate that there are things I am not good at, or can't do. After a week of failed attempts at different things, I was feeling way to overwhelmed. I am not where I want to be. Geographically, I have been guided to a perfect life, even though I miss several people from the area I grew up in. I love the area I live in, I love my family, and our life. I am not where I need to be as a person. I am getting better everyday, but not quite there yet. In my quest to be the best person I can be, I am learning everything possible! I am constantly struggling with a feeling that something is missing. What that something is, I'm not completely sure. I am still working and trying to find that piece. After explaining all this to my hubby, he has been making every attempt to help me find it. Even though there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, I am in a really good relationship. Sometimes, I forget this when we don't make time to have real conversations though.

August 21st -
What a crazy time it's been since the last update. We have made some huge strides in my kitchen remodel project. We managed to rip out half the kitchen cabinets, opened up a wall between the laundry room and the kitchen, knocked out a half wall, installed a new front door and screen door and have now started building my new pantry. It's been fantastic working side by side with my hubby. Although we don't always agree, we work well together. We still have quite a bit to do on the kitchen, but I am seeing the changes and they are visible changes. Each change is getting us one step closer to having a kitchen that works for what I need. A dark, closed off kitchen does not work when you spend the majority of your time in it.

As I continue to grow emotionally and spiritually, I am finding that my family is needing this as well. While we are all spiritual individually, we have never made the effort to bring it into our outer beings. As so many, our son got us watching the show Duck Dynasty. After several episodes of the show, it was our son that asked if we could start praying before meals. While I usually say something in prayer several times a day, it never occurred to me that he would want to do this. While we do not attend services at a church, we do believe in a higher power. We do believe that there is something much greater than us. Watching that show has shown him so much that I have been trying to help him understand. I guess it is so much like every parent, you can tell them and even try to show them the important things in life, but the switch is finally flipped when they hear/see it from someone else. I am happy that he has found a show that doesn't glorify teen pregnancy, disrespect and ignorance. Instead, he has found a show that centers on faith, family and hard work. The three principles that his Dad and I believe, and live daily. While some may find the show more backwoods/redneck, we find it fun, and a good source of family entertainment.

I am trying to find time each day to manage and realign my own spirit and emotions. I wonder how many other Moms deal with what I have been. Facing pieces of my past that still haunt me, dealing with extended family issues, and trying to find a balance between being a Wife and Mom is quite a bit mind boggling at times. Throw in the different roles you play in each scenario seems to become overwhelming at times. Lately, it seems to be more so for me. So many circumstances that can't be understood, or you can't say anything about so that it doesn't cause a massive backlash, finding time to be not only a good wife and mom but also find time to work on being a better me. Some days it gets the better of me and I find myself upsetting anyone that I come in contact with. While I don't ever intend to be rude, disrespectful or ignorant, some times that is the only way I can get a point across. I love to share our lives with extended family, but I refuse to suppress our values and way of life for anyone. We have worked very hard to get where we are, to accomplish what we have, and continue to bust our butts to make a better life, not only for us but also for our kids. We live in a way that is an example to our kids, instead of a "do as I say, not as do," life. I do not believe it's right to expect my children to conform to the way everyone else is, if that is not what they want. While I do expect respect in my house, we believe respect is earned....not just given. Our family is respectful of those whom respect us. Whether you agree with our principles or not, if you are to be around us, we expect them to be respected. While my hubby and I may not always agree, we have a healthy respect for each other. We are best friends but it hasn't always been that way. We have had our share of interference and our difference drove a huge wedge between us for many years. We trust each other completely. I am not a jealous person so that has curbed a lot of issues, and he is not that way either. I am a firm believer that if you are getting what you need from a relationship, you will not be tempted to stray from it.

As I start my day today, I thank the great spirit for the health and safety of our family, the many blessings that have been given to us, and the safe travels of my husband to and from work, the safe travels of our son and his great grandma to the local festival, and ask for continued blessings of safety, health and spiritual enlightenment.

August 27th -

What a crazy, intense and productive time we've had around our little homestead. While we are trying to do everything possible to make our lives less dependent on modern technology, it's proving to be more of a battle of what works, what doesn't and what is financially able to work for us right now. We have taught our oldest how build and cook on an open fire, we are teaching our kids how to live without all the chaos involved in modern life. We are finding that our kids are like so many others. They depend on television, internet, and cell phones. I personally enjoy the internet, but don't have to have it. The cell phone I currently have will be gone in the near future as well. I rarely travel anywhere, and when I do...it's typically with my hubby or son and they have phones of their own. We haven't had a land line phone for several years, but we will have one again soon! I do not like the inconsistency that cell phone service has become.

As I am constantly reminded, we live life in an antiquity style. We have been referred to as everything from Amish, Mennonite, hippy, and weird! While some days this is aggravating, most of the time, it is a direct reminder to me that we are doing something right. I have yet to understand why doing what everyone else is doing, and watching them mount up their debt and sink financially makes sense. Not to mention the insanity of trying to one up what their neighbors or friends are doing. We don't compete with anyone. We do what we are comfortable doing, and work very hard to not be so financially strapped that we can't enjoy life on one income. While we do get financially strapped on occasion from the wonderful surprises of farm life, we work hard to make sure we are constantly striving for financial independence. While I have heard people say it's impossible or even unlikely, we are getting there. We do not have new equipment, new vehicles, the newest technology, the latest clothing styles or anything, really, that is high dollar...we are comfortable and able to pay off debts fairly quickly. We will have the majority of our debts paid in full in less than 5 years, this includes our home.

We have already started planning for building our new home. Of course this won't be some magnificent home with 9 bedrooms and 15 bathrooms, 2 great rooms, a formal anything, or even of grand size. It will be a home of purpose, use and comfort. One that is small enough for our family to continue being a family, and large enough to function for our needs. It will be one with enough room our kids can stay with us for as long as they choose, a place they can always call home. A place that will eventually be the home of their grandparents. Where our kids, and their kids can come to and feel like it's home. Since our oldest will become a teenager in just a few weeks, it has both of us considering life a little differently. The years have flown by with our kids. We are trying to instill values, morals and character into our children. Trying to help them to understand what is really important, instead of idolizing the constant idiocy of celebrities and sports stars. We are trying to help them to understand that our Great Creator is the true founder of our Earth and that while many worship, many are hypocrites and will judge others all in the name of religion. Teaching them that finding true friends is not only a challenge, but can be unnerving when friends were thought to be true turn out to be not so much. Teaching them food is grown and raised, not just an abundant supply from a store, and that chemicals have no place in real food. Teaching them the traditional medicinal ways of people hundreds and thousands of years ago as opposed to just running to a doctor for a pill that has more side effects than cures. Teaching them that modern medicine has a place, but not for everyday use. We are constantly explaining the political scene to our oldest who has developed opinions of his own. We have reached the age with our oldest, that has a lot more explanations of relationships beyond family and friends. While I will not side with either the evolution/creationism side of mankind, we have explored both and I will leave judgment to my children. I personally believe both fit into history of our world. We teach our children to look at both sides of a story, whether it be family oriented or in our studies. I personally try to let my children draw their own conclusions on events both big and small. Children are such honest and outside-the-box thinking individuals. There is no reason to tell them what to think, I want them to be able to know HOW to think for themselves.

We are constantly striving to better ourselves, our family, our marriage, our farm and our lives in general; we have begun some home improvement. We decided to work on one room at a time, remodel it and get it finished before jumping into a new room. The first room has been our kitchen. It was a dark, closed in, and non-functional room. I joke that it must have been designed by a man that new used a kitchen, but I can't say that about my husband. He is in our kitchen almost as much as I am. So, anyway, we began tearing pieces of it apart in April. Most just stuff that was already falling apart. It kind of jumped into over drive the beginning of this month. We cut out a cabinet, removed a chunk of counter top, removed 7 over head cabinets, cut a new doorway into a solid wall, built a new pantry in an old hallway, and we are about to begin the major overhaul. The coming weeks are going to be exceptionally busy with the remaining remodel work to finish, the garden producing exceptional yields, and our oldest turning 13 and his party. The remaining remodel work will include installing drywall in the kitchen(taking out the paneling.), opening a section of another wall to open the kitchen to the dining room, building and installing new cabinets and shelves, new trim work, new sink and faucet, moving the range to a new wall, and painting the kitchen. There is a lot to do, but once we get started I believe it will go fairly quick(at least that's what I am hoping for!).

While all this remodeling is happening, I still have an enormous amount of canning to do. My tomatoes are turning in record time, and trying to keep up with that has had my husband and I up until at least midnight many nights to get them processed before they go bad...and eating lots too! I've made pickles, canned carrot, green beans, horticulture beans, kidney beans, cabbage, green peppers, jalapenos and chili beans. I still have spaghetti sauce, tomato juice, and stewed tomatoes, and pickle relish to make. I am seriously exhausted but this Winter I know I will appreciate it. We have pigs coming ready to butcher, a cow getting ready to calve, a calf to raise for butcher, chickens that have finally started laying again and some to butcher and still not done building fence.

Then we have a 13th birthday party to plan and get through. While most of the planning is done, there seems to always be last minute chaos! We are looking forward to having family and friends to celebrate with. I can't really believe that it's been 13 years since I had that precious little boy! He is becoming a wonderful young man, a young person with a conscience, morals, and values. While we still have a few years to continue teaching him, I know he is on a good path. It's still hard to picture him being 13, but I know I have to let him grow....I just don't have to like it! ;)

I will be ending this chapter of my blog today since life is going to be crazy the next few weeks. I am trying to stay positive, and continue growing and finding myself. I have a great support system in my little family and I know the self discovery will happen, I just don't have the patience to wait. I will learn though!

Wishing you all a great rest of August and I'm looking forward to another chapter in my book of life. I know the season change will definitely help my spirits!

~Sal~

Busy being busy!

Everyone talks about being so busy, all the time! I am no different! Sometimes, I ask myself "what are you busy doing?" We are constantly doing something, but in all honesty, what are we accomplishing? Running around like chickens with our heads chopped off, for what purpose?!

We work our tales off to pay for a home that we still have to finance even though we work like dogs, or for a vehicle that is priced as high as a home. We work our selves into the ground for what? Status, material items, things that are a temporary supplement for a feeling of achievement? As a phrase I recently heard says, "we work our asses off in a job we hate, so that we can afford a house we leave every day to go to work to pay for, in a car that we must work to pay for, to have a little extra money after all the payments to buy the few essentials we all in, in traffic of other commuters that must do the same."

Growing up in a bigger area, this has become a normal for, it makes me sad. I know some that seem to love the insanity of living life at a break neck speed, but I can't understand why! Those folks buy cookie cutter houses(all built the same way as their neighbors) to have the clout of home ownership, on little bitty plots of land, where you can reach out your window and literally touch your neighbor, in towns/cities that are so big you don't know your neighbors or half the streets in that town, and pay 40 years of their hard earned income just to "fit in." Not to mention buying a vehicle that will end up costing about 4 years of salary, the damage to those vehicles from all the commuter traffic, the outrageous amounts of fuel they use just to keep up with the home loan and vehicle loan alone. Then you figure in the insane amount of property taxes, home owner association crap, utilities, and the required grocery essentials...and you have one of the housing market crash examples.

Then you have all the other issues that affect the remaining expendable time you have. Time with your spouse, kids, family, friends, etc. Even in my small area, I find myself shaking my head and asking "WHY?" so often! Kids are involved in everything under the sun anymore! A friend of mine has 2 kids. Before her oldest graduated, she was running 7 days a week with their activities. Whether it was football, baseball, basketball, trap shoots, or FFA, it was something every single day. She would complain about the craziness of their schedules, the amount of miles being put on her car, or the amount of money spent in gas. When I suggested limiting them to 1 or 2 activities per year, she was surprised that she hadn't thought about that. So, by last year, she told the boys only 1 or 2 activities and to her surprise, they were happy! They didn't want to be involved in everything, but were doing it because they thought she wanted them to. She had her final year with both boys in school to actually enjoy her kids and slow down a little. Now, her youngest has decided not to be in any sports, because he doesn't feel obligated, and she has no more of the chaos. She actually has time to be in her home and enjoy it, doesn't have a 2 family income anymore to pay for all the extras, and is able to devote her time to being a mom, wife, and an individual person.

Then you have the issues of having the time and the money to spend time with your spouse, extended families, and friends. While social media has become the norm for keeping in contact, you really need to have personal conversations and time to get out amongst people. When your expendable time is spent running kids to all their activities, running to work, running back home to cook a meal/clean the house/mow the lawn that must be kept at a certain level; when do you have time to just enjoy your life? The truth is, you really don't. You work to afford the life you feel you must have to please those around you or just the perceived life you want everyone believing you have. You struggle to make ends meet, you struggle with the constant feeling of meeting yourself coming and going, and for what? Prestige, clout, image, others perspective? Marriages are falling apart, children are becoming more disrespectful, more people are further in debt than ever before, and people still can't make it on 2 full time incomes. This is so sad to me.

I know that not everyone can or would live as I do. I do understand the overwhelming feeling of "what if's," and I know the sacrifices that have to be made to change all of this! It's not only overwhelming but frightening! However, the changes can be made and most would benefit greatly, if nothing more than with their overall health.

As we find ourselves really busy from time to time, when it starts getting overwhelming, we make ourselves stop. We work as a family unit to prioritize tasks that must be done, that need done, that can wait, and ones that are just being done but have no purpose. We struggle to juggle the family budget on one income sometimes, but we find our priorities are for my job to be a mom and wife first and foremost. I did not have children for someone else to raise, and we agree that we will make the sacrifices necessary to strive on one income. We work as a family unit on everything possible. We took a really rocky marriage from divorce to thriving, parental roles and one team has become the norm, conflicts are resolved through communication not arguments, decisions are made together without outside influence, and we have become a united front. We are a team raising 2 kids to be respectful, community minded, spiritual, hardworking, and most importantly family oriented. The kids and I have 2 meals together everyday at our table, and our family has dinner together at our table every night. We discuss our days, our ideas, our goals, and our future...as a family.

I know our life style isn't for everyone, honestly, it wasn't the life I expected to living. However, even through all my mistakes, all my trials and errors, and all my learning experiences, I have learned. I have learned there are so many more valuable experiences than just working to live. We actually have a life, and not one that revolves around work, traffic, and keeping up with the Jones'.

I hope that those who know me, can learn from my own mistakes/errors/learning, that they can learn to value and prioritize their own lives.
S.