Coffee Chat - December 2016

Wow! Another year is coming to an end. Since so much has been chaotic not just in my own life, but also in our country, I thought I'd finish out this year with an early coffee chat finale. It's seems unbelievable to look back through this year, and even though many times it felt like time slowed to a crawl; other times flew past in the blink of an eye.

2016 has been a year of revelations for so many! From the entire political circus of an election year, to so many personal bumps in the road. Although I am very opinionated, I have tried to mind my tongue and my attitude. Neither of which usually have a filter! I didn't buy into the entire election propaganda from either party. I researched issues on my own, and turned off the television. I was not a real fan of either option. They each had good and bad about them, and refused to buy into the mud slinging or rifts between friends and family arguing over the process. I voiced my opinion by placing my vote, and no one needs to know which direction that vote went.

Our country has been held hostage by poor decisions, and lack of wisdom for many years. It continue with Obama, but it began long before that. Each president and congress has greedily and persistently been moving away from our Constitution and personal liberties for so many years, most of become blind to it. Our government has stepped beyond its intent for so many years, and neither option this year, was truly able to comprehend the understanding that the American people are their bosses. I'm glad the election is over, the votes have been cast, the electoral college has voted, and now it's time to move on. The truest test is yet to be seen, if the president-elect will truly work for the American people. Honestly, I feel it could go either way. I guess time will tell.

Getting through my personal circus has been a real challenge. 2016 began on a sour note for me, and the roller coaster has continued throughout the year! The dips and dives, have really blown my control of life, out the window! Most of this year has been spent asking what the hell just happened!!! Just as I was beginning to find some solid ground, early in the year, BOOM! Another dive, and more chaos. This time, a massive change was thrown in my lap. So, I hauled my completely befuddled mind, that has spent the year in fight or flight mode, into a new thought direction.

So, as we all know, leaving our comfort zone; that's a huge challenge. As I began wrapping my mind around the changes, another shift in direction left my family in two different parts of the state, and a world of different thoughts to manage on my own. Just as I managed to get that stage of my life under control again, everything changed again. A temporary transition, to get my family back in one location, landed us in a camper. That meant uprooting everything, readjusting to not only a new location but also to a MUCH smaller living situation, and my control to once again be thrown out the window. To say that I was hanging by a thread, at that point, was very much an understatement. The temporary camping allowed us to all be together and in one spot, but threw me into major panic/anxiety mode, again. After a few months of nothing going as planned, our temporary living quarters is still dragging out. It's not enough for someone like me, that needs control of her life, to have zero control of how things are happening, it's an unexplainable anxiety to not know how to fix it!

My life for as long as I can remember, has been one of knowing where I'm going, what I'm doing, and how to get there. I have always prided myself on achieving goals, being determined, and able to handle everything thrown at me with not even the blink of an eye. This year, I have felt like I have lost all control, lost my ability to read people, lost faith in a lot, and opened a door to a life that I can see as being great but having some major baggage that just won't go away! It's like having a constant road block for trying to better yourself.

The good part of all of this, was that I did have to step out of my comfort zone. I have become such a homebody, and not real excepting of anything outside my own normal. Making the transition that was made in September, forced me to change. The transition took me out of our rural home, and threw me into town life again. It took me out of the home I expected to be in forever, and put me in a camper in an area that I had visited only a few times. It forced me to take a look at my demons that I had chosen to ignore since the last time I lived in town. It forced me to look within myself for strength, courage, and direction. All the massive changes this year has held for me, has forced me to remember some of my past that I had long forgotten about. However, it has shown me that even though I have felt out of sorts all year, there are things about me that will never change. 1.) my family and their best interests will ALWAYS be put ahead of my own comfort and wants, 2.) even though my fight or flight response has been front and center this year...even if uncertain, I know I can handle just about anything thrown at me. I may not always be certain, but you can take it to the bank, I will make the best decisions possible, with the information I have to work with, for the best outcome for my family.

I have not done the best about keeping in touch with friends this year, honestly, because I know my constant thinking and talking through my thoughts is a real downer! I am sure I come across as complaining or whining about life this year, and that's not the intent at all! I have constantly been trying to work through my own thoughts on everything! My brain does not slow down, and it never shuts off. It moves at the speed of light, 24/7! I know there are days it's a challenge to try to keep up with, but there are a few that have this year, and I honestly would be lost without each of you!

I've been honored to meet a few people here that are good people. I firmly believe that there are still good people out there, ones that are not greedy or shady. I think connections are important, whether those connections are new or old. I have been given the opportunity to experience yet another different life style. It's been extremely difficult to fully embrace. When you have the tendency to have no filter, it's important to be around people that understand and accept you, despite your filter(or lack there of!). I have, out of respect, toned down my language. I have accepted that I am a unique individual and there are some that won't ever grasp that. I have accepted that my perspective is as unique as I am, and it will undoubtedly upset some. The difference for me, is that I am real. I am a horrible liar, I place my family on a pedestal, I am fiercely loyal until I am crossed, I place loyalty, trust, values and morals on the same pedestal I place my family, I despise liars/fakes and those that are happy to spread a rumor at someone else's expense. I think everyone deserves a second chance, but they have to want to help themselves to truly change. You can only get walked on so long before you become tired of being a door mat.

The introspect that I have experienced this year, has been a little unnerving. It's difficult for me to accept my own weaknesses. Whether they be a lack of information, a lack of solutions, lack of strength(physical or mental), or anything that shows me that I have a weakness. For me, feeling so out of control and not having solutions, is a massive weakness. This year, has definitely reminded me that I have more weaknesses than I can count! It has also shown me, that I am still a strong, independent and capable woman. It has reminded me that even when all hell breaks loose, and absolutely nothing goes as planned; I can still keep going. I can still manage, even if off balance. It has reminded me of my strengths, and my stubborn nature.

This year has definitely been a year I don't want to repeat, and I'm glad to see it come to a close. I pray to whatever creator there is, that 2017 will better. That the coming year will bring health, happiness, strength, safety and prosperity to not only my family, but to each of you reading this.

Merry Christmas and Best Wishes for an exceptional new year!
Salli

December Countdown

Christmas is rapidly approaching. We have reached the 12 day mark, and the real count down has begun. This year, our family's Christmas and most of the year, has been spent in a serious disarray. With so much chaos this year, it's been difficult to find the solid ground I need to focus and feel like I have a handle on life. As I do daily, I have prayed for the great creator to give the strength to get through each day; help me to be the best Mom and wife I can be, and for my family to have what we need to live. As the year is now coming to end, I've stressed about so much of our lives. We uprooted, completely, in September and I've struggled to find my feet since then. However, one of prayers has been for a miracle. The miracle of getting back on our feet financially, finding a place where we can call home and meeting people that are truly good people. You know, the hardest part of everything this year, has been being taken out of my element and thrown into completely uncharted territory. The last several years, the idea of major change, terrified me. Well, major change began in my life, the beginning of 2016. In June, those changes began happening when my husband began a new job 300 miles from home. Then those changes picked up speed in September when we transitioned to a new area. All of the changes terrified me, yet I knew they were necessary. While I have enough intelligence to know these changes have been overall good for my family, I still struggle. I know the creator has a plan, and I'm just along for the ride. So, I'm pulling up my boot straps and ready to face this ride with my eyes open wide. Sometimes, we get so comfortable in the living we are making, that we forget to truly live.

We are excitedly counting down each day until Christmas, but now we have reached the all important "12 days till Christmas!" Our home is small, our finances are crappy, but our family is happy and overall healthy. We really have been blessed with so much hope, even with the massive changes, this year.

So many of the Christmas traditions today have derived from different nationalities and cultures. This is the season of celebration in most religions and faiths. December 21st, begins the Winter Solstice. This is not just the true beginning of Winter and the the shortest daylight hours, but also the beginning of the Yule celebrations, that last until early January. You have Hanukkah that is December 24th-January 1st. Kwanzaa is December 26th - January 1st. The Christian celebration of Christmas on December 25th. Many of the traditional celebrating that my enjoys, has been culminated from different traditions my husband and I had as children, but also some new ones we have built with our own children. In our home we wish everyone: Merry Christmas, Blessed Yule, and Happy Winter Solstice!

As so many of prayers have been answered, we have met some truly remarkable people, we have the necessities(even if we would like more), we have food to eat, a roof over our head, and warmth; we are truly blessed. With the recognition of these blessings, also comes a renewed sense hope. We are counting down to Christmas, but I am counting down to my birthday and the start of a new year, a new chapter in our lives.

Wishing you all a joyous December, whether you celebrate the solstice, Yule, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, or Christmas; may you each be blessed!

Merry Christmas, Blessed Yule and Happy Winter Solstice,
From my family to each of you!
Salli

Almost a month in...

Well, here we are, 3 days shy of a month on our extended camping stay. Let me tell you, the way I remember camp grounds being, and how they are here...are completely different! Our camp ground is nice, quiet - sort of, and feels safe. It's right along a major local highway, so there is always, always, road noise! Otherwise, the camp ground itself is quiet. As in, no one visits, rarely do you actually see people, and there is nothing for kids to do! It is beautiful. Lots of tall, mature trees, a nice pet area, laundry facilities onsite, shower house onsite, and for the most part is well taken care of. We are right along the frontage road, but at the very back end of the campground, where they put people planning for extended stays. There are several of us, extended stays. However, there are no bonfires allowed, no playground equipment, no pools or such. There is a large grass area in the circle part of the drive by our camper, where the kids can and do play wiffle ball, Frisbee, or kick a ball around. The bugs are atrocious! There are so many bugs I have never seen before! The trade off is the small wildlife I enjoy everyday. Squirrels bouncing from tree to tree, and 2 ran over my foot this morning playing. A little chipmunk that popped out from under the grill the other day to say hello. The amazing birds, and their songs, and the vibrant red cardinal that appears every few days is amazing! With the amazing wildlife, also is the massive spiders that freak me out, the damned flies that have a death wish, and oak mites that have eaten my daughter and I's legs and feet clear raw!

As far as the whole camping experience goes, it's not been bad. I have had my moments that I want to throw in the towel and go back to our house and have the comforts I have had again. I miss having space to ship everyone to, when I need some time alone. I REALLY miss my big bath tub and hot showers! I miss my full size stove and oven, and cooking normal meals. Most of all, I miss the quiet, peaceful deck, where I could meditate or do yoga, or just sit quietly and think. But, now I have to share my epiphany from yesterday. This is huge, so enjoy!

You all know how hard this transition has been for me. The 25 days we have been here, as of yesterday, I had had one day that I haven't been in tears at some point. I miss my home, believe me, it was super hard to drive away from it. However, my home was only a home, when we shared it as a family. Although it was home to the kids and I for 3 months after my husband began his job here, it really didn't feel like a home anymore. Yes, the idea of spending more than a month or two in a camper, has me full of anxiety! I am not handling the tight space or lack of hot water well. However, It has become our temporary home. We eat dinner together almost every night, the kids and I have our dad/husband everyday. Even though we got here in just enough time to get the U-Haul trailer emptied, and my husbands long hours began. I do not know anyone, and I do not know my way around. I have been terrified of not finding my way, let alone finding my way back to the campground. None of this even begins to touch on having to relearn to live together, all of us.

For 3 months, the kids and I adapted to a new way of life, new schedules, and new ways of doing things that worked for us. After my husband began his new job, it took about a month to finally be able to take the reigns and do what needed to be done. By the 3rd month, I still missed our family time, and the way things had been for years, but I had control of everything. Adjusting to living in a camper, no matter how temporary, is a feat in and amongst itself. You throw that in with relearning to live as a complete family unit after 3 months apart, and you chaos. He was staying down here, living with friends, his responsibilities included going to work. The kids and I had the livestock, and the dogs, the house and the yard under control. I kept up with finances for both places, kept up with groceries, meals, laundry, packing, playing the part of a real estate sales person. I was usually busy, and even though it was a struggle, I did ok. Learning to co-inhabit again, especially in a camper, has been hard too. It's just been a different kind of hard. There isn't much space in our camper. Although it has a great slide-out with the sofa and dinette/benches, everything else is crammed into 8' X 30'. That includes the dollhouse kitchen, bathroom, queen size master area, and the area where the television is. When you get 4 people in that tiny space, it gets really crowded, really quick! After having a home with 2 bathrooms, sharing the tiny space of a single bathroom, is a big challenge. Add that with a 6 gallon hot water heater, and it's trying. A sink of dishes takes all the hot water. You get about 5-6 minutes to take a shower. Living in a camper, becomes a quick test of how well you can handle regular motion too! With 3 people that clomp when they walk, it sounds like a herd of elephants walking through it, and I don't think the motion would be too bad...if we were in a boat! So, with the movement of the camper, throws in another challenge. If you are reading this, and have issues talking about inimate subjects...you may want to stop reading! The idea of a married couple, in a camper, with 2 children at the other end of it... the idea of sex isn't really fun. Knowing that just walking moves the camper, you can only imagine how the damned thing will rock with that! Not to mention that you can literally talk from one end of the camper to the other, so the kids will hear everything! So, that nicely wrapped little monkey wrench, added to re-learning to live as a family again, added with massive boredom, and you have recipe for a tough time. However, here's another little niche. When you are like me, someone who cooks only large batches or cans foods, gardens, etc. You do not own ANYTHING small enough to use the dollhouse stove/oven provided in a camper. Not to mention the cute little refrigerators! Storage for staying in one long term, is no where close to enough, and the onsite laundry facility is only a minuscule fraction of what it needs to be!

Looking at the long term plans, has had me concerned. The finances, having to pay here and for our house has me worried sick, and the cost of having to live the way we are is not even close to sustainable. Buying groceries, has to be done every 3-4 days, since there isn't storage for more. Buying groceries like that costs a fortune! Having to use a laundry mat 1-2 times a week is not only costly, but a huge time zapper! Being bored out of our minds is not only an energy vampire, but weakens my moral. The kids and I are at the camper almost all day, everyday. They go play ball or play on the video games, but I have nothing and no one to talk to. So, I sit here all day, taking care of the kids, meals, constantly cleaning to try to keep some space in the camper. I can find my way to the laundry mat, bank and Wal-Mart, my sense of direction is all sorts of messed up, the kids want to visit with their dad when he gets in from work, so they are constantly under foot. We literally have less 2 hours together, that isn't spent sleeping, without young ears, each day. About a half hour each morning, and about an hour each night. The weekends have included my husband working 5-8 hours on Saturday, the afternoons are full of having to run to his friends house to take care of his dogs, and Sundays have been spent running errands, or fixing my truck. We got to go to a rodeo the Friday after we got here, the following weekend we drove past a piece of property for sale, and last weekend was fixing my truck. I actually got more quality time with him, when we were living apart and seeing each other only every other weekend. Now, it's one kid or another trying to get his attention, meals, showers, and bed. He's working long hours, so he is tired, and I get that. However, the lack of conversation for me, and lack of any hobbies I can do; are proving to be a lot harder on me than anything else.

I bought 2 new crochet needles and some yarn. That lasted all of about an hour before I was sick of that. I can not sit still that long. My hands need to be busy and so does my mind! Everything for the last few weeks has been lacking in both areas. I can't garden or do yard work, I can't cook or bake, I can only read when the shitty internet here decides to work, and not having any kind of quiet is going to drive me nutty!

While I am thrilled to have my entire family together again, I have questioned the logic. I love my husband, but it feels that something is off between us and I can't put my finger on it. The camper wouldn't be bad, if it was on our own land or in a campground that had something to do or people actually visited. I'm watching my family going in different directions now. Hubby has his friends here, they enjoy the same things, and he has his job that has allowed him to meet a lot of others in the area. Son has his girlfriend, and her family...they all get along great and enjoy being together. My daughter, she loves the camping idea, doesn't know a stranger, is happy to have our family together, and above all else...loves having her daddy again. Then there's me. I have spent the better part of 18 years, living away from people. I do not make friends easy, I can not carry on mindless conversations, and I do not enjoy the hunting like the guys do. I can not carry on conversations that mean nothing to me. Trying to talk to people, when they get a weird vibe about them, I'm done.

Even with all of this being said, here's my giant epiphany from yesterday: Yes, this is a MASSIVE adjustment. No, I have not adapted well. Yes, I am struggling beyond anything I have ever struggled with. BUT, my goal of getting my family back in one location, was accomplished! Although the entire situation has sucked, we are all together. My kids are happy, and adjusting, overall, very well. I do like the area already, even though I have only seen about 30 - 40 miles of it. I can, for the most part, get where I absolutely have to go. I have learned to use a gas grill, cook in a crock pot AND bake some in a crock pot. I'm not running myself ragged everyday with some sort of chores, although I would love to have more to do. I am learning to not be so sick from the camper moving, but am back on allergy meds twice a day. I am spending a LOT of time outdoors watching the wildlife. I am learning that the person I had become, was someone I liked. Even if that changed as I grew...I kinda like that crazy girl. I have also learned that I have some truly remarkable friends and amazing family! I have such a great set of friends, who are not only loyal but honest! My little family is doing what we can, to be together, but also to find a more permanent home in our new location. Obviously, that will go better once our house sells, but we remain cautiously optimistic. It's all a matter of someone finding it as much of a home as we did. Although, patience is not one of my strong suits!

I'm finding a little more inspiration to get my camera back out, each day. I'm finding creative ways to do things, even if it means twice the work. I'm trying to find my own solid ground as my family goes a different direction from me. That has been hard. The very fear of losing our family meals, and time together, has been a reality. So, as I find my footing and begin to draw from the strength within, that has been buried for a very long time, I am having to readjust. Not just to a new area, a different living situation, but also to not being with my family all the time. Thankfully, I have a few outstanding extended family and friends that have kept nudging me to grow, to learn and to keep trying.

So, that's what I am doing. I am pushing myself to learn, grow, and keep chugging along. I'm a fighter, and stubborn. And rather than continue the daily tears, it's time to lift my chin, and grab the reigns of life. It's just a few days shy of a month here, and I have NEVER felt so lonely, but fortunately the daily calls/texts/emails are giving me back my solid ground. This ride may have began really bumpy, and may stay that way for a while longer, but it's beyond time to find my hard-headed streak and run with it!


Lot of love!
Salli

Coffee Chat

You know, there are times I need to write. I have spent about 5 days, trying to figure out how to write everything, I need to say. Things I need to get into words, so I can work through all the thoughts swirling through my head. I'm not down, depressed or even upset...I think I'm just unsure, and feeling lost. So, bare with me, and keep in mind that I don't give up but I'm struggling.

We began a new adventure just over 2 weeks ago now. It's been a challenge. While I am anything but high-maintenance, I do have needs. I don't handle being bored or having a lot of down time on my hands. I need to feel like I'm accomplishing something, being productive or creative everyday. Being bored, not doing anything of importance or spending too much down time; makes me feel lazy. I am not lazy, and I don't take not having anything to do well. In my time on our new journey, I haven't accomplished much! I wake every morning, have coffee with my husband. He leaves for work, I sit outside listening to the road noise until the kids are up and around. Then, I get beds made, sweep, mop, and pick up the camper. That takes all of 30 minutes. Then I have done the most productive stuff of my day. The rest of the day is spent helping my youngest spell, answering and talking about a million subjects with my oldest, and wishing for something I could do. Then my husbands gets back to the camper after work, we cook/eat, I clean that up, we visit for a bit and then go to bed, just to start the next day just like every other day. There may be a trip out to eat, or taking my oldest to his girlfriends ballgame, a trip to the laundry mat, or a brief walk to get rid of some frustration...but that is it.

I accomplished my goal of getting my family back to one location, but it's been a lot more unsettling for me. I'm struggling with lack of room, not having adequate cooking/backing equipment, not knowing anyone or even the area, not having anyone to really talk to most of the time, not having any way of doing anything creative I can do. I'm struggling with the finances and knowing how tight everything is now, not having our house sold yet, not being sure this transition was the right one, and even feeling that I am the only one that is struggling with everything in my family. I think lost, confused, scared, and frustrated; pretty well covers most of my insane emotions. Please understand, I love that my family is back together. I am thrilled everyone else is adjusting well. However, I am going to be selfish for a bit, and accept that I am struggling.

There were several that told me when I first mentioned that we were going to stay in a camper for awhile, so we could be together while harvest was going on here, that I couldn't do it. Of course, that being said, my answer is always..."tell me I can't do something, and I will just to prove you wrong." Well, to their gloating, I can tell you I am doing it...but not well. I made this crazy transition for the betterment of my family. I made this transition knowing there are people who live this way, for years, and love it. Don't get me wrong, I love our camper. It's older, but it's pretty and it is a good size for what we are doing. I love having the awning and being able to sit outside in the shade, and watch the wildlife...even if the road noise drives me crazy!

For 16 years, I have done what I thought was best for my family. I have felt that our family is the priority, and what worked for us, was what had to be. We are not conventional, by any shape of the word. We have more traditional values, more of a simple outlook on life, and that worked. What I'm finding is that everything we built until June of this year, is changing, and I'm not liking it. Obviously, right now, things are up in the air with our stuff and animals scattered throughout 4 counties and on opposite ends of the state, but even priorities have changed. With my husbands long hours, throwing in extra time for going to where his hunting dogs are to feed and water them everyday, my oldest wanting to run to every ball game his girlfriend has, them having friends here and being familiar enough with them to visit with them all the time, and my youngest being happy to be with her daddy and to be camping...which was on her fun list, it has left me high and dry. I can't fault them. Like I said, they are all adjusting and doing great with this transition.

I was here less than 48 hours, and felt thrown to the wolves. I don't know anyone well enough to do anything with, I have no clue how to find my way around a town 10 times bigger than any place I have lived in the last 20 years, I have no one to visit with if not by phone or internet, I can't get 5 minutes of complete silence for anything, I have about 15 minutes a day to actually talk to my husband without kids on top of us, I can't cook a decent meal or bake anything, I have no attention span to try to learn anything on my own right now, and I'm just flat out struggling!!! I miss the deeper conversations my husband and I had a couple months ago, I miss having a home that doesn't bounce every time anyone or anything moves, I miss the quiet, I miss the feeling of accomplishing feats that brought excitement to me. I miss feeling like I was more than just a babysitter, taxi, laundress, and housekeeper.

Within a few days of getting here, my sinus tanked. I had side of my face swell up like hasn't happened in years. Then my allergies took hold and now I'm back on allergy medicine for the first time in close to 10 years. Both kids have been battling with allergies again too. I know this is due to the radical diet changes. I'm trying to be positive and keep them from knowing how out of sorts I have become, but it's been difficult. I'm finding my own short-comings and not handling them well. I have a bout of tears daily, feeling like I'm watching everything I have worked so hard for, unraveling. I know that, overall, this move is the best for us, and was a necessary evil. However, this transition period is kicking my ass!!!

For months, I have dealt with my life being packed in boxes, and living with minimal so we would be ready when our house sold. While that was frustrating when I couldn't find something I needed, I did it for 6 months. 3 months into that chaos, my husband had to start his new job or risk losing it. We were certain the house would sell rather quickly since there are many Mennonite families moving into the area. Since that was the thought, we figured 3-4 weeks maximum until the house would sell and we could transition into the house here, we had on contract. After several interested parties, in our house, to this day it's still not sold. The end of June, the rental place my husband was staying at, expired and he ended up staying with his friends here for 2 months. During his month in the rental place, we had some great conversations. Conversations we had really never had, and I had opened my walls up for the first ever. Then over then next 2 months, conversations began getting shorter, and more surfacy again. It became harder to find things to talk about, but his visits home were spent together and it wasn't too bad. Then it got even shorter conversations, not much to share, and I had adjusted to separate living conditions, and began doing things for myself again. Even though I craved our time together as a family. Then harvest season became a real issue, and once it started his trips home would not be happening. So, in our short conversations, we decided to try the camper living so we could be together through harvest. We hit that goal, and got here 2 days before that began. The first week, was a challenge. I spent the first 3 days getting the camper and the stuff I brought put away and somewhat organized. I kind of enjoyed not having to cook every meal, but that wore off in a hurry. I went to the campground laundry mat and learned in a hurry that would be an annoying tradition while we on this phase of our journey. I managed to find my way through our new town, and get to Walmart, the cell phone store, the big laundry mat, my husbands job, the friends house where the dogs are at and a pizza joint. Our last trip to Walmart, I bought 2 more crochet needles and a package of yarn...got a row and a half crocheted, and got bored with that in a hurry. The kids and my husband have gone to do the dog chores and to a coyote pen, and I got some time alone. Although, that is not really my thing, I don't feel included. I know that entire sentence sounds stupid, and it frustrates me to even think it, but it is what it is. I probably wouldn't go even if I would have been asked to but, whatever. I did appreciate the time alone, even though it leaves me with too much time on my hands.

I love that we are able to have supper together again every night, and we do get a few minutes to talk each morning with just the two of us, but I can tell you my love/hate relationship with technology is growing every day! I I know it's part of life now, and I use it when I can to keep in touch as best I can. However, it's taken over, even in my family. I know most of the struggles I'm having are my own issues, so I am not going to even imply that they are anything but mine.

It's strange to think, 19 years ago, I began a huge new adventure. I was introduced to a cute "small" town, that I really liked. Within 2 months, I packed what I could fit in my car, left behind family, friends and everything I had known; to begin a new life that was all my own, in an entirely new state. I had struggles, but I loved the newness, the new challenge, and even meeting new people. When it got to the point that I didn't like it, I was packing to leave when I met my husband. 17 years ago, we got married and during the year we dated, I found out the original small town I moved to was big compared to the ones he introduced me to, I fought hard against that life style. However, over 17 years, I adjusted and grew to love the country/rural living. I learned to garden, preserve food, work with livestock, and value the silence of living off the beaten paths. The beginning of this year, he asked me to transition basically back to my original roots. A bigger town, lots more people, and in yet another completely new area. As my beliefs go, I told him I would go wherever he wanted or needed to go. In my eyes, that is what a wife does. Little did I know how difficult that transition would be! I didn't realize how much effort it would take on my part, to relearn what I grew up with. I didn't realize how set in my ways, how much comfort I found in our lives or even how hard it would be for me. I still believe that I as a wife, it's my job to support my husband in his goals and needs, I'm now wondering how to re-establish my own, and how to adjust to our transitional period. I'm scared to death that my own needs will be forced under a mat, until I relearn how to live life in town again. I know this is temporary, and that adds a little comfort, but it's still hard. I have some great friends and family that send me positive thoughts and ideas for adjusting. I appreciate that, I really do. These struggles are my own, and I'm trying to, believe me. It took several years to adjust to our rural life style, I can only hope it won't take that long to adjust back to my roots.

I miss my home, but missed my family being together more. I miss the comforts of my home, but not the emptiness that had been the feeling of the last 3 months we were there. I miss my friends, more than anything! I miss the bonds that were build in our home, and the feeling of closeness with my husband and my kids.

Now, I guess this adventure, is forcing me out of my comfort zone so I can continue growing. It's a struggle coming full circle, from town kid to country and back again. I guess if there is one thing I can say with certainty at this point, I am too damned stubborn, strong-willed, or whatever you want to call it; to quit. I may have days that are pretty tough, but I am not one to give up. I am not one that will walk away from unfinished business, and being a fish out of water is no excuse. I think I just need to find some sort of solid ground to begin building what I want and need, again. I'm not sure how I'll do that, but I will. I have had to pick up and start over so many times in my life, I should be able to do this without all this frustration, and I guess I need to look at this transition in exactly that light. Maybe by the next blog, I'll have found my footing again. Until then, thank you to all the friends and family that have been my venting posts, and support/encouragement network. Please send your positive energies that our house will sell, that we will find what we need here, and that we can get all our belongings and animals back to one location.
Much love,
Salli

Coffee Chat - August

Time is such an amazing concept. When life is happening, time can feel never ending, or flying past at a break-neck speed. While days can drag on for what feels like years, months can slip away as a single second ticks by. While we all have the same 24 hours in a day, it's those hours that we use, that make the concept of time what it is. When we are laughing, loving, and using every minute to the fullest; our concept of time flies past us. When we are tired, stressed or worrying; time drags on.

These past 3 months have been dragging on for me. I have been worrying, stressing, and tired. I have struggled with the concept of being on my own with my kids. I have had to relearn the concept of independence and being alone. While I am still very married, and miss my husband terribly; we have had what a friend referred to as a practice divorce. Living 2 separate lives, in 2 different ends of the state, with weekend visits every 2 weeks. I can tell you, it sucks! While I haven't had the added stress of a full-time job, I kind of have. I have continued with my regular activities: laundry, dishes, meals, housework, and schooling the kids. I added to that already busy schedule: helping with the yard work, doing the leg work of trying to sell our home without a real estate agent, getting animal feed, researching new homes in an area I have no clue about, and juggling finances for 2 separate lives.

It's been an emotionally trying time for me, as well. While our separate lives were only supposed to last about a month, it has drug out now and we are coming up on 3 months. At first, it was difficult but tolerable. We knew we had a plan and that there was a house that was spoke for, and that we were sure our house would sell rather quickly to one of our Mennonite neighbors. What we didn't consider was that by only selling the house and half the acreage, it would eliminate most of the interest, immediately. Then we ran into the local realtors conflicts with the fact that we still lived in our home, and had animals on site. Let me tell you, living on acreage, means there will be animals. It annoyed and pissed me off. Anyway, learning the real estate game, has had a huge learning curve I never want to deal with again!!! I can tell you, what the appraisals tell you mean absolutely NOTHING, when there are not buyers! When you have a home to sell, it could be worth half a million in numbers and on paper, but if buyers aren't willing to give that, it's worth not even a penny. As time has worn on, I have learned more, talked to tons of people, and had the eye-opening experience of seeing through a different perspective; I have learned one big lesson. REAL ESTATE IS ONLY WORTH WHAT SOMEONE IS WILLING TO PAY FOR IT! While our rough appraisal has our home and 12 acres over $185,000 in value, the actual worth(the highest price we have been offered) is A LOT less. I personally, am at the lowest price I will take for this property right now. I would rather see it sit empty, and not sell it, than to go any lower. Yes, it has caused us to lose the home we had on contract, it has caused my husband and I to live separately for 3 months, and will begin causing major problems if something isn't done soon; but I refuse to just give away something that is worth well more than the current asking price.

I have come to hate the real estate game. Once this go-around is finished, I will not be doing it again. It's not worth the hassle, the headache or the chaos it causes! The constant roller coaster of showings, offers that wouldn't even pay for the mailbox post, and the constant search for a new place to call home is just not worth it. If there were jobs that paid decent in our area, we wouldn't be going through this. Since there isn't, we have had this major learning experience. While it has helped me, personally, to learn that I can still do everything I thought I had forgotten; it has also reminded me what I expect from my relationship.

Relationships are not always beautiful, and not always simple. As my friend called it, this practice divorce, has opened my own eyes. It's reminded me of not only my value, my weaknesses, and dreams but it has also reminded me of what I want from my relationship. What I expect, if you will. Being married is a joint effort. It requires adjustment to two different people trying to co-exist. Ideally, before marriage, you iron out your differences and expectations of each other; even if you have to alter them along the way. Once again, ideally, you communicate and voice opinions freely, and don't take each other for granted. Ideally, you have a great relationship. Now, in real life, shit happens. People are constantly changing, needs change, and so do circumstances. You begin taking advantage of each other, usually without realizing it. You aren't trying to win each other over anymore so it becomes easier to just forget what drew you to each other to begin with. Communication becomes surfacey stuff(weather, work, kids) and less about hopes, dreams and each other. Since I am guilty of this myself, I can tell you from experience, once you have kids...it's even more important to make time as a couple. Having time to just be the two people that began a relationship, without having to be mom and dad too, is more important than I could ever express. Taking time, even once you are married, to still date each other, is worth its weight in gold! More times than not, unless you are in a relationship that is materialistically based, it's the littlest things that mean the world to each other.

For me, those little things can make or break a relationship in a hurry! For example, good morning texts, little notes left to find when the other person isn't around, opening a door for me, remembering my favorite flowers/colors, a surprise date, and yes, even those occasional surprise gifts just because; these are things that keep you connected as partners. Thinking of the other person, when they aren't around and doing little things when you are, can change so much. As you spend more time together, it becomes very easy to take your partner for granted. It's easy to forget that just because your world may revolve around your partner, theirs may not. It's easy to forget that both partners have full-time expectations, and being respectful to their needs is necessary!

In my own life, I didn't realize how much I had come to depend on my husband until this insanity began with his new job and selling our home. I took for granted that he would be home every night, that days I was overwhelmed he would be there to talk me through whatever stress I was dealing with, and even the fact that he would be there to help with the kids in the evenings. Instead, since all this began, I have gotten to see my husband for about 3 days each month for going on 3 months now. Our conversations are limited around whatever schedules he has established in his life there, usually limited to a few minutes after he gets off work and then sometime around bedtime for a short time. Then it depends if our shitty cell phone carrier service works or not. When he's home, it's rushing around to get stuff done that needs done, or stuff that we can't do while he's gone. Our conversations are all over the place while trying to cover what has to be covered, the kids wanting to spend time and talk to him, and other interruptions of visiting and phone calls. I have learned a lot over the past few months. Knowing that I have been married for 17 years, and even though there have been really bad periods in that time, I think we have been strong enough to handle this separation. I just pray that it's over soon, and never happens again!!!

We are finally making a decision that is not ideal, but will work temporarily. We have bought a camper, arranged a place to park it, and will be making a house payment and rent payment, until our home sells. It will allow my family to be complete again, and hopefully make some memories. Since the harvest season is rapidly approaching, I knew that going 2-3 months of not seeing my husband would not work, it was time to make some decisions. As difficult as it will be, it would be harder if we were to keep on the same path. As we set off on yet another unexpected path, I can only hope for the best. I firmly believe that the Universe guides our paths, and when things are meant to be, they happen. When they are not meant to be, the Universe causes obstacles to prevent what is not meant to be.

So, now the real chaos begins. Making a temporary plan and packing to fit in a camper, finishing up the packing of the house, getting animals moved to their temporary homes, and getting my family back to one location. Our extended camping extravaganza is about to begin. Wish us luck!

Salli

Dawning

I'm sitting here at 8:30 on a Saturday morning with my mind moving a million miles a minute, as always. The past 2 months of experiencing life, as I have, has proven a challenge. I'm used to being with my kids 24/7, so that hasn't been a big adjustment. I'm used to cooking, doing dishes, laundry and keeping up with the finance, still not a challenge. The challenge has come in with everything else that has been thrown in my lap. Keeping our house show ready with us still living here, keeping up with all the fliers I put out to sell our house in 4 counties, keeping up with meeting people and showing our house, dealing with our realtor and bank that are 400 miles away, keeping up with animal feed runs, helping my oldest with yard work, and hearing all about how great southern Missouri is...has been the challenge.

I'm a little overwhelmed, and tend to get a little pissy about all the extras. The kids and I bust ass every day to keep up with everything, the kids have been the ones to see me emotionally fall apart, and they are ones I worry about every minute of every day. It's been long enough now that I am adjusting, and my emotional melt downs aren't sadness anymore...they are frustration and anger. While I am 100% still married, I'm a 3-day-per-month wife. The rest of the month, I have to settle for good morning texts, most of the time short phone calls before bed and other short calls occasionally during the day either for an issue or to log some expense into the checkbook. Sure, it's hard to find a lot to talk about every single day, but when you have no other adult communications, even talking about nothing of importance, is missed.

It gets pretty lonely, pretty fast. I love my kids, but there are just some conversations it's nice to talk to other adults. It's been irritating to know that the interest in our house is higher than most realtors have by listing it through them, but again...it still has not sold. So, with my beliefs, that means there is something else involved. Some greater barrier that is there to figure out, so we can work past it. What that is, I'm not sure!

Since everything has been hinged on selling our house, I thought maybe we were priced too high. 3 different realtors said that was not case. So, that has left my mind to exploring other issues that may be in place. By not getting our house sold, that meant the contract we had on a house down there was basically dead in the water. Were we not meant to be in that house, were there underlying issues that we didn't catch? Was my own person growth needed and still need more of? Was this is a test for my marriage? With my own self-pity, or that's how I feel, I wonder if this wasn't a big test for my marriage. Was this a grand design to bring out the truth path of it? Was I so far off path that this way the only way the Universe could get my attention to say, "hey! Pay attention to how this is being handled." Who knows what the reasons are for all the grief I have dealt with the last 2 months. All I know is that it's taught me a lot.

You all know the massive awakening I have experienced the past few years. The ups and downs of dealing with past hurts, realizations that have come about, and accepting that I have become so much less than what I want to be. These past 2 months have reminded me that I can do anything I set my mind to. Even though it's been complete insanity, I have done it. I have found ways to accomplish what I need and want to do, I have reconnected with my own spirituality, and I have been here for my kids just as they have been here for me! I have learned to recognize when my anxiety is starting to run, and have kind of learned to control it. I have found ways to deal with not having someone to just talk to everyday, even if it is just through messages. I have managed to stay on top of all the extras thrown in my lap, even if not done to my normal standards, it gets done.

While I know that at some point, everything will work out the way it is meant to, I still get frustrated. I get anger that I have to deal with all of this, but I guess it keeps me busy and gets me through many long days. I'm tired of the real estate game, both buying and selling! I despise not having a game plan, or even a direction to go. I am a person that needs action. I need to know what I am working towards. With all the chaos and stupidity lately, I don't have that end game that I need. So, I am taking steps to get there. I have stuck with the original game plan, doing what I think is right, and it's gotten me nothing but headaches! I have listened to advice, put some of the better tidbits into play, and I'm no closer than I was 2 months ago. The difference now is that there isn't even a house to dream of at the other end.

As of right now, my husband is living 400 miles away, and has begun the new life we were all looking forward to. While the kids and I are still here, in the same life, we have had for 3 years of hell. The only difference is that the finances aren't quite as tight, but now they have to be split between 2 households. We get every other weekend visits for 1 1/2 days, and it's not working anymore. So, now I'm making changes to this stupid game. With the help of 2 people that I have asked for help, we are opening some doors. I'm going to attempt to reset my attitude, and lose the negativity that has riddle me for awhile, and I'm going to move forward. One way or another.

I believe I had to get to this mindset, set some solid goals; to be able to get the ball rolling. I'm angry, frustrated, and my attitude now; is determined. I'm emotionally drained, my soul is tired, and I refuse to let anymore of this stress cause me anymore aches, pains, headaches, or weight loss! I deserve more this, and so do my kids! If the house is the issue, I will do what is necessary to get it sold. If my own growth is the issue, and I'm meant to stay on this path, I guess the house won't sell until I learn what I am supposed to. I just hope that everything moves fast enough to keep from causing my kids any more tears and hurt! I will deal with whatever I have to, but they deserve more and they deserve to be happy.

So for now, I'm going to cleanse my soul, smudge my house, pray, meditate and do whatever I can to move us forward before all is lost. A new day has dawned for me, in many different aspects. It's my game plan now, my way.

Looking forward to that light at the end of a very long tunnel!
Salli

Coffee Chat - Chaos

I decided to write today. I suppose a coffee chat post, will be the best description of this post. With all the chaos my life and family has experienced since April, my nerves are shot, my patience are gone, and the longer this drags on the more resentful I am becoming. This move from one end of the state to another, is one of the best decisions our family has ever made. However, we roped ourselves with purchasing property here, and trying to live a simpler life. Life is so many things, but simple is really not a word I would use to describe it.

Life is amazing, beautiful, complicated, full of chaos, and truly a beautiful hot mess. It can also be challenging, hard, demanding, testing, and exhausting! So many people are quick to say, life is what you make it. I agree with that, but it's also harder when you aren't equipped to handle it. Whether that be mentally, lacking knowledge, and/or prefer looking to the past or blaming everyone or everything else for your own weaknesses. My own weaknesses and strengths have been put to the test over the last 7 weeks.

Deciding to move 400 miles away, will potentially have not only major financial gains for my family, health saving benefits for my husband, and with any luck, relationship strengthening for us too. We are all getting frustrated with the length of time it's taking to sell our place, and the tire kickers that have to view our home never to be heard from again. Then we have a large population of Mennonite families that have also shown major interest, but they work in their own ways, so we have no idea what's going on, on that front. Local realtors aren't interested in selling much outside of city limits, unless it's a large acreage, and I've already done all the leg work they would have done...so, I refuse to pay them the outrageous commissions they are asking. Although, I am ready to live in a damned tent, just to get my family back into one place...and let this place sit empty until it sells!

I have been the authoritative person, in this house for 7 weeks now. I'm the one attempting to handle the finances both here and for my husband 400 miles away. I'm the one running through 4 different counties updating fliers, talking to people, getting all the food and supplies we need here, and showing the house whenever someone gets the inkling to view it. I'm the one here, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, and attempting to keep our house show ready at any given moment. While my husband is 400 miles, working his tail off trying to better himself for our family, getting established, and anxiously awaiting our family being together again, as well. He can't be here every weekend, it's too expensive to drive back and forth, and his job requires some weekend hours too. So, a lot of what needs done here, falls to me and our kids.

When I get too overwhelmed, which is happening a LOT lately, my mind starts falling into some pretty dark places. For someone who has virtually stayed away from people for most of 5 years, my people skills are pretty rusty! I'm an odd duck, to most. I don't think or behave conventionally. I think for myself and most of my thoughts run deeper than most have knowledge to understand. Needless to say, I don't have good people skills to start with! I love to visit with people that are highly intelligent, and make me think of different perspectives. So, when I see or talk to people that don't fit that bill...I have a hard time relating. Having met and become friends with some of our Mennonite neighbors, was truly a blessing for me. I've heard so many refer to them as too simple or not smart. This couldn't be further from the truth!!! These are knowledgeable people, with good morals and values, they are hard workers, and honest as the day is long. I admire their lives, their wisdom, and their ability to stay grounded in their beliefs.

My coping ability is weakening, but it's still intact for now. My impatience, however, is in full swing! I've dealt with more anxiety the past 7 weeks, than I can remember for a long time. I hate being in this house, without my husband here. Being so far away from civilization keeps me on edge. We have a neighbor that concerns me, and even though our household is armed, I don't like being here alone with the kids. I love nighttime, but don't like the darkness out here, by myself. Aside from the house showings, I don't see many people. Not having another adult to talk to is very lonely. Even talking on the phone, is not the same as actual human contact. At the same time, I'm not always the best company, since my emotions seem to be on a damned roller coaster anymore.

So, as that emotional roller coaster took it's toll on me the last 2 days, I woke up this morning ready to take on the world. I'm angry that I'm stuck in a situation that is causing me so much stress...but at the same time, I am strong enough to handle anything, with the right support. I don't need negativity thrown at me, I won't listen to guilt trips, and I don't need anyone putting more stress on me, that has nothing to do with me. I have enough of those dark thoughts of my own! Having true friends that are willing to tell me their real perspective, without just telling me what they think I want to hear, is the best gift ever! Having family that checks on me, reminds me who I am, where I can from, and what I have accomplished; is a blessing. Then you have those that are more than friends, but not blood related, that I consider family. It's those amazing people that have reminded me that not all family, is chosen for you. Some of them, you get to choose for yourself.

Today, I am changing some rules. We have spent 4 months handling things how we thought was the "right way." Today, I'm taking those rules, and flipping them on their head! I'm handling things, from here on out, the way I feel is the best way. I'm giving this whole situation 3 more weeks to get done, and then I'm gone...one way or another! I am not going to allow distance to tear apart my marriage, I'm not going to allow two separate households to destroy our finances any further, and most of all...I am not going to silently sit by while I watch my kids crying and hurting because they miss their dad. We know where we have to be financially, to sell our house. I know that I am not willing to dig ourselves any deeper in debt or lose the home we have on contract either. Our lives have been put on hold for too long already, the feeling of chaos is beyond old, and it's time to start anew, start fresh in the life that we will have in our new home. It's time for my rules, my way, and to make shit happen!

Sal

Bending...

There are times you feel like a tree in the wind. You keep bending, and hear the cracks that make you believe you will break; then the winds calm and you have managed to stand your ground once again. With so much negativity, and minimization in the world today, it's important to be strong enough to withstand those winds.

So many people today, are quick to judge and minimize the life and issues you face. They compare your life to that of someone else or belittle you for having an opinion or situation you are trying to handle. What they don't understand is that each of us face so much more than most realize. By degrading or judging someone's life, that you don't understand all aspects of, they end up looking bad, themselves. Especially to those that do know the entire situation.

As a country, it's in a complete uproar. So many believe their lives are more important than others. Then you have a political game of baiting race, gender, sexual preference, and financial status against each other. It's sad. It makes me wonder where morals, ethics, and a genuine care for your neighbor went to. No one alive today is responsible for what happened over 100 years ago. Those alive today, should take responsibility for the lives they are choosing to live. End of story. By placing blame on everyone else, they are neglecting to allow themselves to become better.

However, just as all levels of society seem to be slipping, personal responsibility seems to be something lacking everywhere. The judgments, belittling, degrading, baiting, and minimization seems to begin at local levels. Everyone is only concerned about looking out for number 1....themselves. They don't care who they have to step on to get to the top, even when they aren't qualified, they believe they "owed" something. You have children that are bullying other children, but when the children being bullied fight back they are punished. When I was growing up, we were told to fight back, don't throw the first punch but you better throw the last! Families are being stretched and torn apart, due in part to the extreme expenses. What was once considered the way of life; husband worked, wife was home taking care of the kids and home, has now become both parents working(sometimes 2-3 jobs) just to make ends meet in the middle. Rather than the advancements in our world making our lives better, they have drive society as a whole, into broke and chronically ill territory. While I agree that women should have a right to work and make equal pay for an equal job, I think it's pathetic that one income can no longer support a family. I think if there was a constant parental presence in many children's lives, we would not have gotten to the point we are today.

While I am not writing today to discuss society, it does play into this blog, to some degree. Right now, my husband and I are selling our small farm, and relocating, to allow him to have a better paying job. While he has had to leave already, everything at our current home has been firmly thrown into my lap. Although I do almost everything, anyway, there are areas that I don't. Plus, now you have the added headache of trying to sell our home, pack, organize a long distance move, juggle two household's finances, and other outside situations that I do not want to deal with! We have spent the better part of 15 years, living on one income. Although there are times it has gotten really tight, it is what works for us. When we started to see that one income diminish, and we were running right on the red/black line in the finance department, we knew something needed to change. I would love to say our household ran like a finely tuned machine, but it doesn't. We have been married for almost 17 years, together for 18. We have seen some very trying times. You can't put 2 people who are very stubborn and set in their ways under one roof, without some major complications. When you start throwing in outside sources of stress, it adds even more stress to an already troubled relationship. It ended up after 4 years of marriage, to cause a period of 6 months of divorce. We were able to overcome those times, to be where we are today, but the outside sources of stress and tension, have been increasing once again. Some are manageable, while others are the same shit, different year. Our decision to relocate, although super stressful, had more bonuses for me than set backs...until right now. Being over 300 miles from our extended families(both of them), would allow less interference and the ability to live our lives without that stress. The job market is so much better, the area is big enough not to be so gossipy, and it would give me a chance to show my kids that there is more to life than our current area is capable of seeing. It would also, and just as importantly, give my marriage a chance to succeed.

With all that being said, living in 2 separate households, 400 miles apart, was not how I envisioned that chance. While we agreed that what we are doing was what had to be done, it does not allow our family to grow as a unit. He has been able to start that fresh life, and I am stuck here dealing with all the bullshit it entails. I'm kind of in an odd situation. While we have been buying our 25 acres of land, and paying a mortgage for our home; the ground still technically belongs to his family, until it's paid for. He decided to give just over half the ground back to the family instead of land locking their ground. That was ok with me, but that cut the chances of selling our property, the first week, immediately. Now, we are listing the house and 5 acres as a way to try to keep most of the ground in the family, but still have an option of selling an additional 7 acres...for now. This is very limiting for our feeble real estate market, locally. We live in an area that has a high population of Mennonite families. Ideally, selling our property to them, makes the most sense. Realistically, they don't use the internet, so communication becomes a massive challenge...and usually they want more acreage. So, now, you have the big dilemma. Do you chance breaking into their community long enough to try to sell by owner, or do you risk spending a small fortune to hire a real estate agent that wants to minimize your property to help their stats? Then you still have stress of separate lives, until it's sold, either way.

It's a giant mess, and headache. I will never go through this process again, I can promise you that! When I packed up my life 19 years ago, and moved away from all my family and friends, I did so, so that I could have a life that was mine. A life that didn't include negativity, snide remarks, degrading or belittling. I do not ask for help, and I do not depend on anyone else to take care of my children. My life is mine. The past 3 years, I have talked more openly about my life, than ever before. As I have learned more about who I am, and accepting that our families will not ever accept the life we have chosen, I have started putting up thicker walls, and withdrawing into a shell to avoid it all. I can honestly say, this move to start fresh, is a big one. If we can get it done. I'm discouraged, tired of the tire kickers, tired of being stuck on a farm I didn't really want to start with, and ready to be back in civilization. I have spent almost 17 years, living in small town USA, accepting the snooty attitudes because I am a transplant, accepting that there are still towns with fewer than 100 people, and letting go of absolutely every dream I ever had, in order to live this way. Sure, I love my gardens and a few animals, but being stuck in the middle of nowhere, is not my idea of a good time.

So, now I am going to venture into another day in hell, doing housework, preparing meals, doing dishes, doing laundry, packing, and talking to anyone that will listen about our house. Then tonight, I will talk to my husband on the phone, figure out a game plan for tomorrow, and fall into a stressful, exhausted sleep, just to start all over again. So for those who follow me on social media, please forgive me when I get a little beside myself in my posts. I will try not to be too negative.

Please send me a lot of good vibes! I need them!
Salli

Whirlwind

What an amazingly beautiful photo, and accurately depicts my life right now! The fury, chaos, and awesomeness of powers beyond our control; yet the peace building beauty of a rainbow, with the indications that everything will eventually be alright and full of possibilities.

It's such a whirlwind time for me. Packing up and selling a home, purchasing a new home, getting through all the paperwork and red tape of that, my husband accepting a great job offer and beginning that new journey but having to do it earlier than we can actually get moved, getting the entire move logistics organized to get all our belongings 400 miles away, and begin our new family adventure. It's a little overwhelming, a little exciting, and complete chaos! It has brought me a lot of turmoil, not just physically but also mentally.

We have done most of our organizing, job offers, and even our home purchase through email, phone, and really fast trips south. This is a whole new way of handling things for me. I really like the person-to-person contact, but that isn't always possible from 6 hours away. Learning the terminology of the real estate world and banking world has been a challenge. I can say, I have learned enough to get through. I am not versed or even an expert in either field...but I can say, I have learned enough to get things handled and in writing, the way I want them.

With all the chaos, has brought some major insight. Even though the last few years have been mentally draining for me, they have allowed me to grow as an individual. Learning that no matter how many times or how far away you try to push your individual personality, you can never truly wipe it away. It will come bubbling up, at the most inconvenient of times. I buried who I truly am, for YEARS! I'm talking almost 18 years. Although many have known I have a temper, no one I am around on a regular basis, has ever seen it. My own personality and character took a backseat to everyone and everything else. I buried myself, to fit the life I have been living. It's no one's fault or intention that it happened...it just did. It's really began to push to the surface since my daughter was born. As she has grown, her wild spirit and her lack of care for what others think is acceptable, has been bringing my own spirit back to the surface. Where did her wild spirit come from? Surprisingly, for many, she gets that from me. While she and I hit heads, I sit back in total awe, remembering my own spirit. Remembering when I was the "wild child" that no one could tame. The child that did what felt right, even when it went against absolutely everyone and everything else. The young adult that didn't put up with nonsense, refused to fit into anyone's mold, and was HAPPY! Sure, I never had a pot to piss in, or the window to throw it out of....but I was HAPPY!

One of the most amazing friends ever, just recently opened my eyes even more. During a conversation, she asked what grounded me. What would make me happy, and ease my stress. I told her about the things I had always done to release my stress and tension. It was during that conversation, that she made a comment that set me aback. Her comment, "well, you keep say you used to do this or that. You keep saying everything in past tense." After another of our long conversations, and her remarkable ability to cut through my bullshit; she opened my eyes. Everything I ever did, or ever was, I have buried and/or pushed aside, to fit a mold.

How the hell did that happen? I have always been my own person. I would say or do things that would make parents cringe, my friends would turn multiple shades of red, or just have everyone shaking their heads. When did I start letting what is perceived to be acceptable, over ride my own needs/wants or even personality? All I can tell you, it started just before I got married, and has been continued since. I began losing myself long ago, and all of that began bubbling back up just a few years ago. When I thought life had just gotten the better of me, it was my soul's way of reminding me that I am so much more than what I have become.

Five years ago, I lost one of the greatest friends possible. He always pushed me, to be the best "me" I could be. He was one of the few that could say, "Ok, Sal, cut the bullshit act, where is the real Salli?!" He saw through my smoke and mirrors. He was one of the few that saw the real me, and didn't let me hide behind that acceptable. He was one of the few, that it never mattered what I said, he was always there. He would call me on my bullshit, remind me that real me was worth getting to know, and would remind me with every conversation that anyone who saw or knew the real me, was truly lucky. He would bring me out of the shell I was living in, make me laugh until my sides hurt, we would have really deep conversations and every conversation always ended with him telling me, "I love ya, Sal!" He was one of those souls that was here until his mission was complete, but left a huge hole in the hearts of those who knew him when he was called to the other side, once again!

With his words always in my mind, and my heart, it's time to start remembering again. As the chaos of this relocation has twisted me inside out, I am reminded once again, there is not anything I can't do. Sure, it's a huge step out of my comfort zone. It's time to let my gypsy soul explore again. I can't be molded for long, and burying my true spirit has obviously caused me more turmoil than necessary. It's hard to break a comfort cycle that you have been in for years, but nothing is impossible. With a new outlook and possibilities, I believe it's time to reconnect with my spirit.

While our whirl wind of chaos will be temporary, the journey back to my true self will continue. Happiness is an inside job, so even though my responsibilities will always come first, my own happiness must be taken in equal measure. The new area of residence is a lot bigger than our current area, and there are unlimited opportunities available. To find my own fire again, is surging through me.

I am trying to focus on the positives, even when a few negatives set me back. One area that is going to happen, unlike when we bought our current home, is that there will be a house warming party. There will be new adventures, and our family will learn how to maneuver this crazy adventure called life, and be able to enjoy it along the way.

Positive thoughts and energy from here, forward.
Sal

How do I do this?!

How do I do this?! Our lives are packed up tight in boxes. We are living in limbo right now. Trying to make certain we still have what we need to live our day-to-day lives, while trying to pack away all our personal effects to show our house.

As if living out of boxes was not enough, now I have to estimate and plan for living in 2 different households for an undetermined time frame, since our home has not yet sold. Trying to make sure that my kids have enough to stay entertained, yet being mindful that someone could want a showing at any point. Trying to remember which bills need to be paid, what appointments need to be made, planning out meals, keeping everything in a neat and tidy place.

All of this while feeling like hell, and trying to finish the kids school year. I am struggling to find the mental strength to do everything that needs to be done. For several years, my strength has been tested, and now I'm needing it, more than ever. I have always been strong, stubborn, and nothing has kept me down. Right now, it's a struggle just to get through each day. I am handling the paperwork for our new area, from 6 hours away, through phone calls and emails. I am trying to keep up with the leg work of selling our house on our own here. I'm attempting to keep our daily schedule as intact as possible since the kids are struggling with packing up everything for an undetermined time frame.

Even with all the chaos of relocating from one end of the state to the other, I know this is the right move in my heart. I know it's going to take some adjustment, it is different location and lifestyle. I know everything will take time to calm back down. However, I have a really good gut feeling about the entire move...aside from the stupidity right now. I have seen my husband's personality begin to change, for the better. I have seen his health conditions improving just since the decisions were made and everything has been made public. His new job, the pay is closer to what he deserves, offers benefits, bonuses, and normal hours that do not require nights, weekends, and holidays he doesn't get paid for. Or, having people just show up at our house because they need tools, parts, or need him to go fix something after hours. The kids love the new area and are excited to get there. They are struggling with the chaos and packing, but are anxious to begin our new life. They love the new house, have their bedrooms picked out and are looking at the possibilities that they will have in the bigger area. They each will have a decent sized room, big closet, and plenty of yard to play in. Then there's me. Although living in the country was not how I was raised, I told my husband years ago, I would go where ever he wanted to go, so he was happy. I don't have ties to any one place. I guess I never really have. I broke the apron strings with my family 19 years ago. I have yet to find a place that calls for me to put down roots. The new area, I can see that happening, but to this point...my soul hasn't found its home. I am anxious to get moved, settled, and find a new direction. I can't say I don't have some hesitation, but it's not because of doubt. I know different areas have different personalities/attitudes. I have always loved the cultural differences. My hesitation is a combination of stress here, while trying to go between the two places to finalize stuff in both locations, and a little fear of being back in a bigger location.

We are going from a county of under 7,000 people to one that has more than 49,000 people. Size wise, it's like moving back to the county I was born and raised in. I have no doubt I can do it, and that I will do just fine. It's just the intimidation of too much time between talking about it and actually doing it. When you rent a house, it's a little easier to just pick up your life and go. Owning and trying to sell a house here, and trying to get closed on one in our new area is taking more time than I am comfortable with. I guess that comes back to my own "no roots" thing.

I am hopeful that once we get settled down there, and get into a new schedule, that the stress of the last several years will slip away...eventually. I have high hopes for our move, and I really hope I am not disappointed. I have some great plans for once we get moved and settled in. I can only hope that our family bond just continues to grow stronger. My own ridiculous fear of the unknown, is not something I have ever dealt with before. So, this has been a personal challenge to me. Facing my own fears, and hesitations is something I have yet to manage; but so many of them are unfounded. I know I am strong enough to do anything I set my mind to, but fear has become an irrational thorn in my side.

I will keep going, just as I always do. I have no doubt there will be days that kick my ass, but I know I have some great friends that will just keep pushing me to keep going. They have been instrumental to me, to this point, in the reminder that I am never alone and they are just a phone call away.

Thanks for letting me vent once again.
Salli

Feeling Overwhelmed

I really need this reminder a lot lately! Trying to juggle everything is really taking its toll on my stress levels. Knowing all the positives that are awaiting us, is not helping. After several years of negative energy around us, being able to see such amazing possibilities is like dangling a carrot in front of me.

We have our house for sale, a contract on the new house, a new job patiently waiting, and a completely different life style just outside arms reach. I'm already tired of tripping over boxes, not being able to clean the way I want to because of boxes everywhere, and feeling completely unsettled is about enough to make a saint crazy!

We've had some interest in our house here, but nothing set in stone. It's become a hassle to try to keep the house presentable while trying to pack, still live here, and keep our lives going. We are nearing the end of the kids school year, and that will take a few hours each day off of my schedule, but keeping up with meals, cleaning, dishes, laundry, and packing is still making me exhausted! We have about a month until our closing date on the new house...and that is pushing the need to sell our house, even more trying.

5 days ago, I ended up sick. Yes, stress absolutely, triggers illness in me. If I get sick...there is a lot of stress in my life. I am still struggling to get through each day before running out of energy. Feeling so crappy, with so much to do, just doesn't coincide. Hubby has 2 weeks left of his current job before his new job begins, and we are looking at having to temporarily divide our lives until this house sells. I am not happy about this. It's hard enough doing what we've been doing for the past 2 weeks, let alone living 400 miles apart, while making the transition.

I know everything will work itself out, eventually, but in the meantime...it's going to be a big, giant pain in the ass! We are making changes to what little we have to sell, in price...but not willing to just give this stuff away either. I really do not understand how or why, people willingly move or buy/sell homes!

With all this said, I am positive we are making the necessary changes. I'm certain we are making a positive step forward for our family, and when all is said and done, we will be able to find what we need. Until then, the stress is weighing on me. I've been packing the non-essentials, but it's time to finish packing. I have been patiently, waiting for the point that we need to only have bare essentials out. The time has come. With just 4 weeks until the closing of the new house, it's time. It's time for simplicity!

I'm tired! I'm exhausted! I am mentally overwhelmed! Designating jobs that need done, doesn't seem to be working, so I suppose I will grab my DayQuil, take a few deep breaths, and do what needs done. I have just a few weeks to have this house and sheds packed up and ready to move, and it's not getting done while I bitch and moan about it. So, I am off to run a few errands today, and get some packing done, while teaching my kids, fixing meals, paying current bills, keeping the laundry pile manageable, and keeping the realtor and new bank in the loop of what's going on and keeping our new paperwork moving smoothly.

Keep me in your prayers and good energy, that I will be able to manage the stress without any more or serious illness, that everything needing sold/finished will be done, and that our coming month of travel and divided lives will give us a springboard to much better things.

Salli

It's Official

For someone who has a need to talk, and effectively communicate, having to keep quiet is one of the hardest things I ever have to do. When life is good or bad, I need to talk through my thoughts. That is how I handle everything, and deal with my own anxieties and worries.

I am one those who actually think. I think and consider almost everything possible. My brain is constantly running at 110, with a million thoughts. I analyze absolutely everything, from every possible angle. For me, making friends...real friends, is difficult. I need to be around people that I find intellectually stimulating. People that are more eclectic or free spirited. People that aren't judgmental, or closed minded. The people I seem to gravitate towards are the ones that can make me laugh, that aren't annoyed by my sometimes too analytical mind, or people that are following their own paths despite what others may say. The closest friends I have, know that I have a weird sense of humor, and that my moods vary by the minute. They know my heart, my deepest secrets and all my flaws....but as I do with them, they love me anyway.

The past few years, we have taken several hits in our life. From the passing of great friends, loved ones and even divorces, to the financial and relationship areas as well. My own perspectives have been challenged at almost every turn by those who I have held in the highest regard. Having differing opinions is not an issue. I am not so closed minded that I won't consider other opinions...however, being belittled and looked down upon because I choose to NOT to follow the norm, sends me into isolation. With all the different issues, came a world of loneliness, I had never known. While the idea of uprooting our lives, leaving behind some very dear friends once again, and moving to a place completely unknown is intimidating...it's necessary. It doesn't stop my mind from spinning into the "what-if's." I can be friendly, cordial, and nice. I'm not a fake though. I am not someone that has a lot in common with others. I think too much, I don't lie and won't lie for anyone, I have a passion for nature and my Native American roots and I am not typical.

Relocating to a place I am not familiar enough with to have an opinion on, has been both exciting and terrifying. The hope of the life I want, the financials being much better met, and an area big enough to not only explore but to learn new knowledge from; is the few areas I can hope for. The logistics of relocating from one end of a state to another, has been overwhelming. Having never dealt with real estate agents, banking institutions I have never stepped foot into, paperwork out my nose, planning, packing, roughing out new budgets, learning basic geographical information, all while still keeping up with current financials, kids schooling, laundry, meals and dishes here...I'm exhausted! Sometimes, knowing that things have to change, will cause you to be willing to do whatever is necessary. To make the sizable changes, we are about to embark on, has caused me to a litany of adjectives that I will sum up as, overwhelmed.

We are relocating almost 6 hours down state. The logistics of a simple move, with just a household is easy. Throw in livestock, farming equipment, and other animals...and you have a nightmare! Sure, we could eliminate the livestock, and even the farming equipment...but I am not willing to give up either. There are some parts of living in the country so long, that have found their way into my heart. My horses, and my son's cow, are like family members now. The tractor my son loves, is something else I won't allow to be taken away either. This relocation is all about making some sacrifices to allow our family to stay as one unit, and hopefully grow stronger. It's about my husband making not only enough money to allow him to enjoy life, but also to relax some instead of watching his health constantly because of stress. It's about allowing our family, to dream and grow. It's about expanding our horizons, and knowledge. It's about building a family bond that is once again strong.

Over the next 3-7 weeks, I know there will be plenty of stress while we finish packing, and get the final plans in place. I also know, that by the end of Summer, we will have a complete fresh start. A chance to begin a new life, in a new area, and hopefully with more positives than negatives! We have discussed this move for a couple of years now, and my answer/thoughts, have remained the same. Where ever my husband needed/wanted to go, we would go. I am holding on to a thread of hope, that our relocation will be all that I envision it to be.

Now, that we have told the most important people in our lives, it's official. We are on a bit of a schedule to sell our current home, so we can close on the home we now have contracted in our new location. My husband has a new job waiting patiently for everything to iron out. Now, I will be packing up our home, finishing the kids school year, and any other paperwork that needs completely.

Stay tuned, friends. I know I may miss several days of blogging, but I'm sure I will need my outlet a lot over the coming weeks.
~S~

Coffee Chat - End April

What a crazy few months this has been! The next few months look to be just as insane! There is so much always going on in our lives, that sometimes it's hard to explain everything, without upsetting some. Our lives run on multiple plans, every single day. Although many times, our days are chaotic and run together, they are never the same twice.

Many who read my blog, know my belief in the energies that surround everything. I can tell you that the energy surrounding most aspects of our lives, have become very negative over the past several years. The best way I know how to describe this is: it's like a giant black cloud has taken up residency over our home, and lives. The struggle of getting through a day at a time, juggling finances, juggling kids schooling, juggling livestock, juggling extended family and everything in between has become the dark abyss we have been living through. As most negative energy does, it sucks so much life out of you. It interferes in relationships, sleep patterns, and life in general. Unfortunately, like so many, you don't know really how to fix it.

You can see it happening, you can feel the emotional changes, you can see the health changes the stresses are causing, yet you don't know how or where to start, to fix everything that has gotten out of control. For me, I am a writer. I am constantly writing in my journals, and trying to iron out details, emotions, or trying to find a path out of the turmoil. I believe that some turmoil is a necessary evil though. We don't appreciate the constant sunny days until we have a few rainy ones. I also believe that some lessons must be learned through some harsh conditions. Some of us are too stubborn to see the forest through the trees.

When stress takes on a life of its own, it can become so over powering that people, like myself, just withdraw. It becomes too difficult to express, the thoughts, emotions and feelings; that it becomes easier to withdraw into oneself, and avoid outside noise. This has become my repertoire. It's difficult to talk through the issue when you can not put thoughts, emotions, and feelings into words; or you have to limit conversations to avoid saying more than some need to know.

In my life, I am the talker/writer. I will write or talk until I can find a path that will work. My husband is not either. He internalizes almost everything. You can mentally see the gears turning in head, you can feel the changes in his attitude or personality but he will not talk about anything until he feels he has everything figured out. Although I, too, withdraw...I have a few that I can talk to that I do tend to lean on. Those amazing people, they are cursed with the real me. ;) They get to hear all about the good, bad, ugly and sometimes very cold emotions that go through my head. I write almost continuously. Whether it's working through thoughts and emotions in my journals, crunching numbers to juggle whatever financials need to be met, or sharing what is/has worked for my life...that may help someone else.

Being the person I am, usually causes me great stress. I love to help people, I hate when others work hard and get shit on, I don't do the gossip thing, much to my dismay...I am usually loyal to everyone and very few ever return that loyalty. I am fiercely independent, and live my life how I feel is best to live it. I am spiritual but not religious. I take great pride in knowing my ancestors are walking with me on the spiritual side, giving a pretty bold nudge when necessary to keep me on my chosen path. For many years, I had lost my way. I was dead set on choosing a path that fit a physical norm, as opposed to staying true to my spiritual path. That changed nearly 4 years ago, when the spiritual side of myself was revealed to me the darkest emotional state I had ever been in. It was during that time, I was returning to person I was meant to be. Unfortunately, it took some pretty traumatic and emotional hits to bring me back to neutral ground, to begin again. Since then, I have begun again. I have focused on my intuition and truly feeling the lessons being thrown at me. It's not been easy, or even close! There were some pretty hidden areas of my life that I had to face.

Since this time of growing occurred, I have accepted that the energies all around us, must be acknowledged. That can be pretty intimidating for someone who has basically run from too much emotion for over 30 years. Although I buried emotions for so long, I have had to relearn their feeling, and relearn to voice them. It became too easy to close off everything too painful to face, and become a very cold, untrusting, and somewhat self-absorbed person. It was easier to be the one to walk away, then to deal with the emotion of having someone else be the one to walk away. You have heard me refer to the emotional switch I have had for so many years, I could turn them on or off, in the blink of an eye. Even though it was mostly off, those emotions became buried...not gone. So many years of burying emotions, came back to me, in a tidal wave. I can honestly say, it almost drowned me. Had it not been for my journals and this blog; I don't think I would have come through it as strong and sure as I did.

This big, black energy that has enveloped our family and home the last few years, has come to an end. The negative energy is still in place, but we are taking steps to remove ourselves from it's shadow. It's not easy, it's not even close. It's required a lot of logistics, a lot of thought and conversation, and it's going to require some massive effort on the part of our family. It's terrifying to know the plan, know the logistics and yet, not know the end result. However, I have to follow the path laid before us. It's been a pretty clear path, so far. Even the few bumps in the road, have been learning experiences. It's allowed me to grow not only mentally, but physically and emotionally too. As I said, it's terrifying and exciting, but necessary. My own personally growth, is increasing every single day, and our family is growing as a unit, as well.

There have been too many areas of our life, that the emotional energy has flat-lined. Areas that have caused more issues than solutions, and driven wedges where there should never be wedges. When the energies surrounding us become so negative that the wedges are placed within a family unit; it's time to make major changes. When so many outside negative energies infiltrate your personal energy; it become necessary to find neutral ground again.

My personal energy has come back to life. Even though there are some serious changes on the horizon, my energy is increasing. My energy is becoming lighter and more hopeful. The constant contrasting energies right now, is exhausting. They won't remain that way for long, and I have been giving a glimpse of the positive energy that is to come.

I know that I am going to be ok. I know that family will be ok. I also know, that we will be guided by our spiritual loved ones. Times of changes can be stressful, and cause some degree of uncertainty. Through meditation and prayer, everything will be as it is meant to be.

Salli