Well, as always, when I sit down to write in my journal, or even just to read my previous entries....I do some reflecting. Maybe that's what it's all about. I find myself at strange position, that I really don't like to be in. I don't like the idea that there is so much negativity and unwillingness to change it. However, reading back through my own thoughts....I wonder if I can do any better. Negativity is all around us, news, papers, online.... and we fuel our own thoughts by allowing all of that in our heads. We grow up watching our parents; they read the newspapers religiously, watch the evening news, and talk about how rough life is. All of this starts from a really young age. I am guilty as much as anyone! I have allowed life's roller coaster to throw me into a tail spin, and focused on some negative thoughts and the wonderful evening news. I am really glad that I did this assignment. After I posted the first question to my facebook page and got so many negative responses...I almost took a zero for the project. Instead, I ventured out, and did some quiet research. I had a few friends that did help me out some, and of course, my own thoughts.
So, once I get in touch with 3 more people, I get to write an analysis of the overall thoughts. For me personally, it was all about reflecting and seeing the areas in my life that need serious attention. And yes, there are PLENTY! I spent about 3 weeks in a real slump. I couldn't figure out what was going on, my mood was rotten, I was not nice to a lot of people and I really just didn't want to deal with anyone! Although I love to socialize, I find that I really don't like people in general. : ) I have a hard time relating to most and that causes me grief. Years ago, I was a "social butterfly," but now, I prefer a handful of close friends and a pot of coffee as opposed to a crowded bar with thousands of people. I enjoy being at home, I enjoy being around my family, I love the businesses I work, and I love my little hick town I now call home. I am finding myself being drawn to be closer with my extended family, as hard as that is living so far away. I have been learning through the years, how important family ties are. I have reached a stage in my life, that I want to be close to my siblings, parents, and learn everything possible from my remaining grandparents. Some of grandparents have passed on, but I can't help but think how many times I would love to call them and just talk about their lives. I wonder if they would be proud of the person I have become and am growing into. I wonder, with a few of them, how many times they would give me that look of disappointment for something I have said or done. There are 3 especially that I think about nearly every day. All grandmothers; Grandma Haff, Grandma Goode, and Grandma Zacher. Each of them had a unique personality, attitude and strength that are certainly unmeasurable by todays standards! Grandma Haff, this woman was the post child for strength, determination, and the never-give-up attitude. I think about her so much, with the life I now lead. She was my Farmer, grandma. She raised kids on a dairy farm, kept Grandpa in line, and learned how to give the most important part of life to her kids and grandkids. Even when they had nothing, they never went with out her love, values, and firm hand. I really wonder if she would be proud of who I have become most. I would sure love to pick her brain now, for so many tidbits of information she tried to share with me, and I did not listen years ago. Grandma Goode, was like another Mom to me. We were around her the most growing up. Although she had her own personality....she was an amazing woman too. Unlike Grandma Haff, Grandma Goode was more into the appearance of personality. I can remember her asking me one time, if what I was doing would be appropriate for others to see. (It wasn't! ) All of my grandparents grew up during the depression and WWII. They knew how to live frugaly. They didn't spend unnecessarily, they learned how to make the best out of the worst, and because of that....they were able to give what so often isn't now. Love, discipline, and common sense. Grandma Goode always demanded respect. Even in her last years. I can remember talking to her late into the night...on many occassions, And asking her opinions because they really mattered to me. Then there is Grandma Zacher. Where do I start?! Although she was my Step-Great Grandma, and I didn't spend nearly the time with her that I did with these other 2 amazing women....she really impacted my life. Grandma Zacher was another depression and WWII era lady. Grace, determination, strength and grace. I spent the better part of the last 6 months of her life with her. I learned so much! She was head strong, spoke her mind, and even did a little drinking behind closed doors! : ) She was a retired nurse, from the old days. She knew how to make you better without the use of drugs. Her house was cluttered, and she was happy with it. Her thought, "if you are coming to see how cleaning my house is...you're not welcome!" So, as time went by with her, and we talked, she kept telling me how important it was to find who I was. Not the person I was expected to be, but deep down, who I was and wanted to be. I think she was the first to insist that what others thought of you didn't matter. It was one's opinion of one's self, that really matter. Now, she was the first to say, if she thought you screwed up, but also the first to say "I'm proud of you." These 3 amazing women each shaped me into the person I am becoming....even if it's baby steps getting there. I would love to be able to sit down, with a pot of coffee, and visit with these 3 women now. I miss them all so much.
As a reflection on my last 7 days, I have watched my moods roller coaster. Fortunately, I can relate them to different events. My initial reaction to posting my assignment on Facebook, business stresses, children's attitudes, and my own lack of self-discipline. I know I am a work in progress, and I know my overall personality is positive, and that because I am willing to turn off the news, not read the paper, and use Facebook strictly as a multi-media advertisement; I can get rid of the negativity around me. I know it's difficult to completely eliminate it, but nothing is impossible with the right mind set.
As I write this paper, this weekend, and I reflect on personalities and attitudes, I know I will have more of a roller coaster. BUT, I also know that others opinion of me, will not ever matter anymore. MY opinion of me, is what matters. I can not be completely happy, until I am happy with myself.
Thank you to those who helped me out with this, and even those that said it couldn't be done. you are all helping, inadvertantly, make me a better person.
Salli
This crazy but wonderful life we live. Home education, self-sufficient living, learning, growing, and finding our way on our farm and in life. Teaching frugality, logic, and common sense. Grab some coffee and enjoy my regular writings on current subjects and interests.
