I have been drawn to write a lot again. Although I try to keep the negative to a minimum as much as possible...there are days it's overwhelming. Lately, there have been several people ask, that I value, talk about so pretty tough subjects and ask some questions that have had me really digging within myself to find answers. Mind you, I am not a materialistic, greedy,or even demanding person; but finding answers to their questions...ones I have asked myself even before they did, has been tough!
I'm pretty simple. I want peace, room to breathe, life to function without too many hitches, and to be happy. Obviously, there are several sub-catagories with each of those but nothing that I see as a deal breakers. I'm very spiritual, though not religious. I believe we all believe in our own "God," but praying and meditating, are part of my daily routines. I know there is a grand plan out there for each of us, but it's frustrating to find yourself in limbo.
So here's my ramblings about me.
Areas that have pushed me to become introspective, trying to find answers:
What do you want in life?
What will make YOU happy?
You need to open your heart and feel again.
How can you change what's making you unhappy?
Now, I'm not going to go into a few ares, realistically, those are areas that I don't want to deal with outside opinion. So, I'm focusing on these four areas today. I have really tried to just go with the flow during this entire transition of moving. That's not me. I'm a planner, organizer, and I don't handle chaos well. Let's start with where my mind is on each area.
1. What do you want in life? - My simple answer is: to be happy. The extended version: I want what I had, with the exception of the lack of opportunity. I loved our farm life. Caring for horses, cows, chickens, pigs, dogs, gardens, trees, and my family. I want a home that is bigger than a shoe box, acreage to allow me to go back to cooking and baking from food we grew or raised ourselves. What I didn't like was the lack of growth opportunity. Jobs were few, incomes were small, and benefits were non-existent. While the possibility of going back to our farm isn't a possibility; I want what we had there but located down here.
I want to be appreciated and not taken for granted. I want to know that my family cares as much about me, as I do them. I want them to know that every single decision I make, is finally decided on, on what is best for our family...usually my own needs are not considered. I don't want to feel alone when they are all in the same room! I want to be able to tell my family that I need some "me" time, and have them respect that I need that to be at my best for me AND for them. I don't want to have to struggle for absolutely everything from finances, to respect, and courtesy. I want to feel appreciated, loved, respected and that someone actually cares about me for more than meals, clean laundry and errands.
2. What will make YOU happy? - This is tricky. I pretty well mentioned above what would make me happy. I guess the short answers are: to be able to be me, to not be constantly worried about saying/doing something that will be an embarrassment to my family and to have the space to really find "me" again. I have been a Mom, for nearly 17 years. My entire world revolves around my children. They come above everyone and everything else, period. Now, I'm looking at a nearly 17 year old that is self-sufficient, and an 8 year old that is basically self-sufficient. I have some of the "empty nest" feelings, but more than that...I feel lonely. With the kids not needing as much of my time, not having the farm to fill in the empty spaces...I'm kinda lost.
3. You need to open your heart and feel again. This one really hit me the hardest. When life throws me for a loop, I withdraw. It's the way I get a handle on the unease. Usually, a week or two and I'm back on my feet, but when more trials are thrown at me than I have answers for, I pull back even more. It's not the best coping device, I know. I have spent a lot of years with one roller coaster or another. From marriage issues, to financial issues or family issues...some areas have been building for a long time. One things I am learning, is that the longer you push down resentments, needs and even your own voice/thoughts, the harder it is to overcome the obstacles and move on. It's very difficult to want to scream at the top of your lungs for people to: listen, pay attention, quit ignoring what's going on or not going on. It's difficult to want to have your favorite color, flower, author, or poem remembered. To not have to remind anyone of your favorite things, people, events. After awhile, my walls have gone up. I tried to take them down many times, but each time I got hurt, and the walls went up again.
4. How can you change what's making you unhappy? - Again, this is multi fold. Obviously, our farm selling would help the financial side, and allow us to close a chapter. However, I'm not sure. That's the most honest answer I can give. I don't know how to bridge some of the gaps, I don't know how to change emotions/thoughts, I don't know how to get back on even ground.
So, there you have it. For 16 months, my entire life has been uprooted. 2 temporary moves later, still no sale on our farm, financial struggles that never end, and a constant battle to keep the dark/negative thoughts at bay. Overall, I like the southern part of our state. There are areas that are fitting for the kind of life I want. The difficult areas come in while trying to juggle 2 different lives, and one is 400 miles away. It's frustrating to see the possibilities but not be able to embrace them.
So, I am still working through a lot of thoughts, and even more areas of concern but, I'm still going. I'm not a quitter and I'll handle whatever life throws at me...I just may withdraw while I do.
Thanks for reading. Be sure to be kind to all, you never know what is going on in their lives. Your kindness may be the thread of hope that keeps them moving forward.
Salli
