Well, as I finish my coffee and work on the mountain of laundry, I thought I'd write. I have kind of been feeling like those hamsters on a wheel look....constantly chasing something, but never getting anywhere! For every project I finish, there are 47 more added or my hubby adds some of his, and now that there are pretty much just the two of us managing everything...his projects are now mine too. There are so many bumps in my road anymore, I'm never sure what needs to be addressed first. Each bump, feeds into the million other little bumps.
One thing that has really played a big role in this hamster wheel, has been the changing of parental role. I spent so many years as "just a Mom." It has been the biggest, most rewarding but also the most heartbreaking career. We raise our kids to be independent, to build lives and relationships; but we don't expect they will exclude you. It's a challenging adjustment to no longer need a big dining room table, since there are just 3 of us now. We rarely have anymore than that. Now, I am looking to down size that. No point in a huge table anymore. You do everything possible for your kids, and in my case(as many others too), that included learning alternative health practices after severe allergies nearly killed my youngest. You welcome people into your life and your home, they become chosen family, only to disappear too. I've had to learn to accept that, as hard as it is, sometimes they need to see how the world truly is, but pray that someday they will actually appreciate all I tried to do for them. I'm not perfect, but my love for my kids will never waiver, it is unconditional. Even when my heart breaks!
It's such a strange place to be. Being a Mom, was always so important to me, and that will never change. Once you get to the place I am in now, you end up feeling lost. It's like, "ok, I did the best I could raising my children, but I let my relationship with my hubby slip while being a Mom first and I completely lost or the knowledge I had is obsolete, and I have no idea who I am as a person anymore." I still have a young adult to finish raising, but I'm trying to find my way and keep up with my parents, and I still worry about my adult kids, and we still have our farm, my gardening has become my thinking time. I race from one project to another, still battle to keep my house clean even with fewer people, and getting back into the social thing...that is almost overwhelming since I have nothing in common with most. Economically, I am don't know how to not shoe string budget. Even though we don't need to be as conservative...I don't want to be stupid financially...it has taken us so many years to get where we are. I've thought about trying to find something part time to get back into the world...but I can't bring myself to work in retail or food again, there is too much drama and physically, I am not yet back to being fully healthy. Not to mention, still working around home school, my veteran activities, and our farm. Throwing one more thing in, feels like more stress! Of which, I need to lose some! I have begun updating training on PTSD and TBI management. This is an area that helps with the veterans I care so deeply about.
It's so funny to come across memories, as I am deep cleaning and sorting. A list from high school of career options really had me thinking. The list was one I had done in a class, with a teacher I loved. It was based off of the education I was getting at the time, and possible directions I could take. The list included: Architect, Marine Biology, Constitutional law, and Ecology. Quite a list, huh?! It's hard to believe I thought I was smart enough to do those things. I truly loved every class regarding those subjects. I still love them today. I had about every class possible, that was offered, on each of them too. One area, that I have preached to my kids about - and they are not hearing me, is how much outside influence truly affects who you become. I can not say I have regrets, because I believe everything happens for a reason, BUT influences changed my trajectory in life and some damaged what I could have done. When we are young, we think we know everything about everything. I believe it's a right of passage into adulthood. As the saying goes, "hindsight is 20/20." If you let others limit you, let others words/behaviors become your words/behaviors, or allow yourself to be drug into situations not meant for you; you become so much less than you are capable. Then you spend a lifetime searching for something, but nothing truly fits. You lose the value of your loved ones while maintaining the cost of that influence. I had BIG goals when I graduated high school. The last goal written down from back then: be a street dancer at Disney while attending college for Architecture - let the income pay for college. Specialize in residential architecture with what would now be considered living roofs, energy efficiency. I still physically draw residential floor plans all the time. I still love the living roofs, earth berm homes, using nature for energy efficiency and minimizing wasted square footage. Now at 50 years old, I don't believe I would have mental capacity to go back, so I just draw and add to my floor plan folder all the time. I don't have the energy or hundreds of thousands of dollars to even want to go back.
Going through those memories were intriguing, funny, sad and empowering. I have experienced a lot in my life. I have dealt with the worst of them, basically alone. It taught me some hard lessons, gave me some unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I have learned a lot of strength too. Being a strong person though, can bring a whole new level of issue too. When you are strong, no one worries about you and usually no one takes the time to try to get past the walls that were built. You become almost too independent, so asking or receiving helping brings guilt to deal with. You don't want to burden others, so you live in fight or flight mode continuously. Then you become exhausted, and it's not something that rest or even a "few days off" can fix. You end up in that hamster wheel constantly chasing the feeling of adequacy, feeling like you are doing something that is making a good difference, or living with feeling like you are never enough. Some of those memories brought me a smile, a laugh, or took me back to the moment a photo was taken. Several letters from my paternal grandmother, some were sharing valuable advice and one that made me sad. Several photos of a time when I felt my best, some while I traveled, so many photos of my grandparents and great grandparents, so many of my kids and husband when the kids were little, and even a few that were clipped out of a magazine/newspaper to add to my vision board. It's funny that my dream home from the late 90's was situated on a farm with a beautiful home, horses and livestock.
There is so much I could add in this reflective post, but I think the biggest take away....don't regret, because you make choices, in the moment that you want to make, with the knowledge you have. You can change your outcome, but it takes choice and work. Take those pictures, make sure you are in a lot too, because one day...that's the memories your loved ones will have. None of us are perfect or flawless, so be kind, don't judge people by what you see...you don't know the whole story. Find a career that you love and can make income from. If you are lucky, you will spend decades enjoying that career. Don't waste valuable time with your parents and grandparents, they only get to be part of our lives for short period, and you will miss them terribly when they are gone!!! Work hard, but never get so wrapped up in making money that you forget actually live too. There are no material possessions that are worth having to work your life away for. Avoid spending so much that you can't afford time off to enjoy what you have. Be very careful of those you allow in your lives. The influence others have on your life, may seem small, until it isn't, and you've lost true friends/loved ones, while going with the masses. Always do your best to try to see both sides to a story, from experience, there are usually 3 or more sides to EVERY story. Don't allow the world, situations, people or circumstance to dictate how you live. Every single one of us has our own paths to follow. There will be some that walk with you for a lot of years, some just a few, and others just days. Every person we encounter is either meant to be a blessing or a lesson.
Welcome July. I pray this month brings everyone good health, safety, and blessings of abundance.
God Bless!