So, I'm sitting here this morning, completely beside myself. What can I do to release this chaos and internal monologue...write. I suppose that's what I'll do.
You have to understand that I am very hard on myself. I expect myself to do, be and act in a way that is professional, empathetic, and kind to everyone. Even if I know I'm being used, taken for granted, or lied to. I firmly believe in common courtesies, being respectful and always giving my best to everyone. This is also a huge pitfall for me. Unfortunately, the large majority of those we are surrounded by do not have the same thoughts. Herein, lies the issues.
While I give and give, both mentally and physically, it's not returned and by the days in, I'm drained. I'm trying to pour from an empty cup, and getting nothing but grief. I was always told if you give an inch, some will take a mile. I truly never believed that. I always felt that if you could give helping hand, in some way, it would come back when needed. To my dismay, the earlier statement has been proven time and and time again. Yet, I continue to try to help.
So, since the past week has been a very trying time for me emotionally, I've had this really tough back and forth mental conversation going on. It's been pretty tiring. The bounce between giving myself a pep talk of: "you can do this, you've been through enough trying and tough times, you can get through this too," and the ever present: " I'm tired. I am sick of drama, chaos, lies, shows being put on, having people up my ass at every turn, not to mention a house that stinks(even though I've cleaned) and the winterization that hasn't been finished and wood we need cut so we can have heat not being done." I'm flipping tired!!! Here we are half way through October, we don't have enough wood to get through this week for heat, we have house repairs that have to be finished before winter sets in and they are not done, I'm trying to juggle a budget thrown way off from several emergency trips and helping family move. My grocery budget is gone because I now have to buy tired for my vehicle since I had a blow out yesterday, so I'm going to be expected to feed 7 people on what little I have for food/meat. My utilities are running high, I'm sick of constant noise, feeling like I could lose my temper at any given second, and feeling like no matter what I do is never good enough. If I hadn't lost my ability to cry sometime in the past year, I'd probably sit and cry over everything, for about 3 days. The thing is...I can not cry! Instead, every little thing that happens, just makes me madder. It is pushing me so close to flipping my lid, it is taking an act of congress to keep my temper in check.
Here's the thing...I'm doing what I can to help with a group that fuels my passion. I love the work, love working with amazing people, and what it stands for. For a couple years, I have been finally feeling more tuned into the direction I want to go. My entire family has been able to help. The struggle there is very selfish though. For the first time, in years, I had something I was doing, loving, and several aspects were just mine. My family volunteered, and helped for a few events, and the rest I was able to do; similar to a job, that I loved. Then it started including more for them into other aspects of it. So, I guess selfishly, I want to be able to continue what I'm doing while limiting their involvement, so I can have something that is mine to do. I don't know how to explain this, so I'm going to leave it alone until I can understand it.
I just feel like I have constantly got people under foot. I can't even escape to the bathroom without someone needing to talk, at the same time. I'm completely overwhelmed with absolutely everything!!!! I'm being pulled in so many directions, everyone wants to take their piece of me...and there is nothing left!
I fall asleep at night stressing over the budget, the things that have not been finished, trying to be a good friend, good child, good sibling, good mom, good wife, trying to keep my house clean, laundry done, meals cooked, trying to find a shred of myself that isn't being used to the absolute maximum. At this point, there just isn't a shred left. Every piece of me is being pulled, used, abused in some way...except my heart. It's been under lock and key for so long. I'm afraid if I ever completely unleashed it...it would terrify someone...aside from my kids, they have had my heart from day one.
I believe when you tell someone you will do something...YOU DO IT!! When you say you will do things, and it continually is proven that you won't follow through...you lose credibility, you lose trust and you lose respect. When too much water runs under a bridge, you can't get it back.
Another area of contempt for me lately...Absolutely no other person can tell you what you feel. What I mean is this: if I feel hurt, neglected, used or any other emotion...it is not your right to decided if I should feel that way or not. If you have done something to hurt me, you don't get to decided if you did or not. The thing is, how you treat others is a reflection on you. You can make up stories to make yourself feel better if you choose, but putting on a show never works. There are a lot of people out there smart enough to see through the smoke and mirrors. An act can go on for only so long, before you can't keep it up anymore. I despise acts, or putting on a show. Life is what it is. When the bad out weighs the good...it's time to fix it.
Just in case you haven't guessed...I'm exhausted!!! I'm done with crap. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough, unless others need something. I'm tired of trying to be everything to everyone. I'm just tired...mentally, physically and emotionally. I just want a break to be able to clear my head, without worrying about whatever B.S. may happen while I take that break.
I'm going to take a time out.
~S~
