Love Me

Even through the beauty of the season, I find myself falling further into what feels like a really dark place in my heart. Multiple stresses from so many different directions, has me in an emotional free fall. I feel so lonely, and taken for granted. I don't feel a connection in my relationship any longer, and it scares me.

I don't feel loved, respected or that I matter beyond what I can do for everyone else. No one seems to notice the stresses or cares to acknowledge me. Feeling so lonely, and when any conversations happen within my relationship they are guarded to avoid any more uprisings, arguments or hurt feelings. I can usually keep my own needs and my own wants of touch and bonding at bay, but that's not to say I don't want or miss it. I try to keep most of the negativity I feel to myself, but I know many times some slips out anyway.

I struggle through plenty of self image problems, and have since I was a kid, but those aren't the ones I struggle with now. Now, it's a struggle to not feel completely taken for granted, alone in the stress of juggling finances, kids, household stuff, and extended family stuff. I have become increasing withdrawn, again. I'm struggling to keep my head above water.

So, in the attempt to empty a few thoughts; here is what I need to release.
There are days when I just want to curl up on the couch with arms around me that truly care. No groping or sexual intention, just to cuddle up. A time to just feel a bond of trust, friendship, and contentment. Some time to not feel like I'm inconveniencing anyone, not having demands thrown at me constantly, and not being made to feel like petulant child being ridiculed for something beyond my control. I want to matter to someone, not because of what I can do for them, but because I mean something to someone.

~S~

January 2018 Coffee Chat

January 2018

Well, it's safe to say that 2017 was an entire year of struggles for me. It was one of those years, that for every good day, there were 5 bad. Yes, I know all you positivity warriors out there will say, "you woke up, that means it's a good day." I will not disagree with you, and I did thank the Creator for allowing my eyes to open every morning, but here's the thing...there have been a LOT of really sucky days in the last 2 years.

Between my own growth pattern that began about 7 years ago, to the present...I have never in my life, been so close to throwing up the white flag in my life!!! From the time we bought our farm, and the chaos that ensued to take it from a hayfield to a home in 30 days; to learning a farm life, learning how buying a used home can be more costly than buying a new one, to every we tried to help bring in the extra income we needed, being a huge failure; to deciding to make a mjor move, not getting our farm sold, dealing with unnecessary family issues, to paying on two homes for nearly 2 years, to issues rocking my marriage to the brink of no return, to watching my children grow up while we have spent 2 years in total limbo, to missing our quiet/peaceful farm life, to knowing because of family issues going to back to our farm will never work, to dealing with multiple issues in our rental house; I am beyond overwhelmed. I am beyond the point of even crying it out. I just can't.

What was supposed to be a transition from one of the state to the other, has turned into nearly 17 months now of have having belongings and livestock scattered, literally across the state. It has turned into being lonelier, for me, than I've ever been. It's been adjusting to never knowing what is happening, who will be where, and not being able to count on anyone. It's seeing my boys doing their own thing, and working, while the girls are constantly at home.

I keep thinking, I should be a little more selfish, I should take time to do something I truly want to do...but I don't. I am the one that is constantly juggling the budget trying to make something work. I am the one constantly playing referee when the rest of my household decides to digress in age. I am the one that has given up everything to make the rest of my family happy. Before this move, while the boys took off to do their thing, I have gardens, horses, a house bigger than a thumb tack. Now, I'm trying to make a home in a tiny house, with half the space I need, and aside from cooking, cleaning and educating my kids...nothing else. I tried to garden here, sand and sand burrs are not relaxing and growing stuff in both sucks! I did enjoy our pool during the summer. There is no where to put our live stock, our dogs are at a friends house because there isn't anywhere for them here either, we still have stuff at our house, stuff stored in our camper because the 800 sq ft. rental house is crammed clear full.

I'm being a little selfish for a moment. When the entire move was brought up to me, I said, I would go where ever my husband wanted to go as long as he was happy, in my eyes that was what a decent wife did. Well, the boys seem happy. They can hunt, they have jobs they like, and my son is close to his girlfriend. For me, I stare at these same 4 walls every single day. I rarely do more than get groceries, pay bills, teach my children, and typical duties. I love my family, more than anything, but I'm exhausted! The boys have 2 settings...they are either getting along and on the same page or they are nit picking at each other and arguing. My daughter and I just look at each other and roll our eyes.

I have really never depended on anyone else, for much of anything. I still don't. I learned very early in life, that the only one you can truly depend on is yourself. However, that doesn't mean that I haven't tried, multiple times, to depend on others. It means that holding true to only depending on myself, has proven to be VERY accurate. Being disappointed, let down, or disrespected; seems to be normal anymore.

After years of trying to live up to expectations that weren't my own, I became very depressed. Very negative and untrusting. The one thing I've learned is that no matter how much you care about people, no matter how much you try to do for people, and no matter how many times people prove that words mean zero when action doesn't follow...my heart still tries to hang on to hope. I know people don't care as much as I do. I haven't ever need outside recognition for all that I do. I still don't!! What I crave; is people that follow through on their words, people who are truthful, people that will treat me like I'm more than an option/second choice, someone to care enough about me to truly know me. But since that has been an ongoing pipe dream, I'm making attempts to take care of my own needs.

I am praying this year is when we can finally sell our house, and get back on a farm of our own again. I;m praying that health, safety and finances are continually improving. I'm praying that by some saving grace I will finally see a positive in this move, that doesn't end up being a negative in disguise. So, until the next time I feel like writing, I'm going to ask that each of you be the person you need the most. Treat others as you wish to be treated, and NEVER treat someone as a prize one moment while treating them like dirt the next!!!

Salli