New Chapter - K.I.S.S.

 

My new chapter begins now. I am not a "new year, new me" person. What you see is what you get. Each year, I begin a new chapter of my life, on the day of my birth. I keep notes all year, on things I like or don't, attitudes and goals. I set goals for myself, because I am my own worst critic! No matter how much or little I do, I am constantly pushing myself to the highest standards possible...when I don't meet those, in my own eyes, that's when things go down hill. 

Setting my goals for the coming year, means writing them out, putting a date that I WANT to accomplish them, adding in multiple plans(because you know, Murphy's Law), lots of details, and a final date to actually achieve my goals. I have done this every year for a few decades now. The past decade, I've gotten a little lazy with my goals. You see, I set goals for myself, for our family, and for our farm. I work very hard to achieve everything I set out to do, but sometimes...reality bites, and I miss my mark by a long shot! Then I become more critical of myself, and everyone around me! I hold myself to high standards, and I usually do anyone that is involved in my life. Sadly, as I said, the past 10 years...I've gotten lazy. I've allowed things to happen - that would have NEVER happened before. I've allowed poor behaviors to become acceptable and instead of outright calling bullshit, I've just put distance. I've held my tongue more and more the past 10 years, choosing to avoid battles, that needed to be fought. I've put myself on the lowest rung of the ladder, while trying to help others up it. I've allowed my heart to become pretty cold - which goes against the fiber of who I am. I've also allowed some serious negativity to infiltrate my own attitude. 

I will, undoubtedly, remain the sarcastic, opinionated, thoughts all over everywhere, person I have always been. I am just hopeful to be able to get back to being a little more organized about it all. I need to make a lot of projects happen this year, since many have been put off for a couple years now. Some of those, need to happen before it creates a bigger headache. Myself, I prefer to make progress without having to back track to fix things first, before moving forward. I hate being behind, playing catch up, and all that noise. 

I know 2023 is going to test my very being, the economy is looking to get worse. Now, I am losing my vehicle because of damage from a deer. I have fought to keep myself in check - a little better, since I am getting older...and tact seems to want to fly right out the window. I am wanting some things to change, needing some things to change and I know that making those changes is going to a massive uphill battle within my household. I have been pretty low-key when it comes to my own family and their behaviors...but I've ended up creating more stress and headaches for myself. I have things/projects I want to do, and if everything stays on its current course, I won't have the time, energy or money to do them. I'm low maintenance, NOT no maintenance. I have let a lot slide and I can not continue that. 

I will continue to stock my pantry, garden, can, and take care of critters. Some things will not change. While my gardening/canning and animals are stress relievers, I do enjoy all of them. Actually, as I have gotten older...I enjoy them a lot more. I have new flower beds I want to put in to bring more pollinators to my gardens. I want to do more landscaping. Our pool is gone now, so there is a large area I need to decide how to use. My chicken coop has some pretty massive issues that have to be addressed this year. It won't withstand another winter without help. This last fall, I let a lot in my garden go to waste, as there were many bumps in our road. The coming year, I have to make everything count. I also have a responsibility to myself, to take care of myself. I have let a lot go; after no longer having to be out on a regular basis(outside of the farm), I have lost a bit of determination and a lot of confidence. I need to clarify that. I have plenty of confidence in myself, what I know and such BUT I've lost the confidence of knowing I could take on something new, and achieve it. When you have spent the better part of 20 years as Mom, and homemaker...your "worldly" education leaves a lot to be desired. Not to mention the fact that employment is NOT the way it was when I worked. There is no loyalties anymore. It's very cut-throat, and that it NOT who I am. I would love to have something part time again, off the farm, but that never works out well on the home front. So, between battle my youngest to get the school work done, taking care of my responsibilities here, making sure everything stays where it has to, to work...I am home for the foreseeable future. If only I could make a living as Mom, housewife, farm manager, cook, laundress, meal planner, event planner, and gardener...

My goal list for 2023 is pretty long. I am still working on it, as I seem to be running behind on everything this year. I guess if it doesn't get completely finished before the 1st, I'll finish it when I get to it. Until then, I keep working away at all my regular tasks, and the lovely end of year ones. Whatever will be, will be. I am going to work hard to minimize some stresses, and take some much needed time to balance out life, as I need it! That is my biggest goal for 2023...don't sweat the small stuff! As I shared with my son and future daughter-in-law:

KISS:

K - Keep

I - It

S - Simple

S - Stupid

Here's to an overall great 2023. May our blessings far outweigh our stresses!

Salli

Coffee Chat and more

 

Coffee Chat and more

Staring with the obvious, the count down. 9 days until the Winter Solstice begins which means the days start getting longer! 13 days until Christmas. 16 days until my 48th birthday. 19 days until the start of a new year. Do y'all realize there is less that 20 days left of this year?! That's crazy!

We just had our annual Christmas open house. I truly look forward to it every year. It's a lot of work but the fellowship it brings, is not measurable! We had a smaller group this year, 34 people(there was 53 last year). It's incredible how most of those attending, have been here from the start. I can't tell you how many times I heard, "thank you for doing this. We look forward to this every year." It's so amazing to me that even the younger generations are interested in this type of "old fashioned" gathering. So many believe that Christmas is about expensive gifts and mass amounts of them. I honestly, get the best gifts from this open house, giving love and friendship to those I care most about. Our open house is not glamorous, it's not fancy, and kids are always welcome but, it is a beautiful tradition that I hope lives on long after I have gone! 

It's astounding to look at the calendar and realize how close the year's end is. It's been a truly turbulent year for me personally. The chaotic energy and economic struggles have been a challenge to juggle. When it rains, it pours...has been my thought process all year. There have most definitely been wonderful and beautiful times, but there has also been some truly staggering struggles too. The emotional roller coaster this year has exhausted me. I've had to step way out of my comfort zone a lot this year. I've had to make decisions that I was not prepared to make. I've also had to bite my tongue a LOT more than I care for, this year. Many that read this, know how difficult that was for me. 

Coming up on my birthday, has really had my thoughts going even more chaotic than normal. It has pushed me to revisit some past experiences and memories that have been very unsettling and uncomfortable. I can't really blame this on my birthday, but maybe more likely is the time I am in within my life. It's so strange to have memories resurface, or what you believe to be memories. I've had to actually ask family about them, to see if they were or not. Well, those memories opened flood gates to a massive amount of other thoughts. I am told this is like a discovery/repair phase. I have learned a lot, and a lot of the way I am as a person, is making more sense...the more I discover. Although, there are a lot of areas that I may never discuss, my life to this point, has brought some unhealthy coping mechanisms. On the flip side of that, however, is the positive things: strength, independence, and compassion. 

Many times we focus on the "bad." I'm guilty too. We can't see that many of the things we deem as bad or negative, actually drive us to be better people. Whether that is shoving us to become more independent, more self sufficient, more determined, or more understanding. We neglect to look at ourselves, to do better for ourselves. Instead, we stay in a negative vibration and focus on bad or sad situations, instead of celebrating good. A good example: I just recently told my own kids; I do so much for the Christmas season as a celebration for those we no longer have with us, physically. I take great steps to add to our decorations annually, to remember all the wonderful people that passed. Because Winter is typically a dingy time of year, it is very easy to get wrapped up in negativity. Once the beautiful leaves start falling off the trees, the grass turns brown, the gardens are put to sleep till Spring, the weather turns cold, the daylight hours shrink, and many times we deal with mud...it's easy to fall into a dreary attitude. I personally need the beauty of Christmas. I don't want or need anything, so gifts are not even on my radar. I enjoy family and friends getting together for a meal, a holiday celebration, or just because. I know there are times that too much togetherness, is still too much. However, having these gatherings spread from Thanksgiving till New Year's is mostly a great thing. Christmas has become so materialized, it's sad. I've seen some of the gifts asked for/given, and it breaks my heart. Kids and adults alike, have lost a sense of compassion - for lack of a better word. Kids ask for high dollar items, things they want in the moment but will use once or twice and never again. Adults give these items, or struggle financially to give endless amounts of useless gifts, clear through the next year. That is why Christmas has become so depressing for so many. 

For our kids, we never have gone overboard. I don't see a need in that. They may get 2-3 gifts from Santa that are unnecessary, but the majority of what they get is educational or actual needs. And you know the crazy part? They get excited to get socks, flannels, gloves, scarves, coats! They are beyond happy with those useful gifts. Even my grown up kids STILL look forward to open their gift on Christmas Eve, knowing that it's just new PJ's!! They look forward to that, and ask every year if we are continuing the tradition. Even my moody teenager has asked if we get to do this tradition again this year. Honestly, it's the little things that our kids will remember. For us, we get new family ornaments every year. Each person has a new one, that goes on the tree. My grown up kids, have started putting their new ornaments on their own trees. These things are what makes this momma, very happy. 

Our family has continued to expand with our bonus daughters. Our boys have brought their girlfriends/fiances into our family fold. It's kinda crazy how children that you do not bring into this world, can hold a piece of your heart too. I'm pretty certain everyone knows my children, are my entire world! 3 of these children, are not biologically mine. However, they are my chosen kids. One of boys has been an adopted son for about 12 years. One bonus daughter, came into our world as an exchange student, and is now planning to marry into our unique family. The other bonus daughter, has become the other half to my bonus son. So, our family of 4, has quickly become a family of 7. I love these kids so much! Each one is unique, and each one will have their place in our family. When I look at photos, my heart just grows in happiness. 

This year, as I have said, has been a challenge for me. I have experienced many emotions that I thought I had buried. I once took pride in being able to turn off all emotions, and lived up to an old knickname of ice princess. I can still turn off some, but for the most part...I don't want to. Instead, I'm trying to understand them. I'm trying to piece together how to deal with them. That's not to say I will be accepting bad behaviors, because I can't imagine ever doing that. This year has been about understanding how poorly someone must think of themselves, to treat someone else so poorly. It's trying to understand how ignorance has become acceptable, while compassion and empathy is looked down on. I was reminded this year, how precious life truly is. How we can make plans, decisions - both good and bad, and in the blink of an eye...life is taken from us. Even if things are done without death, some decisions and vocalizations can never be forgotten. 

I have spent many years learning to measure my words. I know some would question that, but I promise if I actually spoke everything that came to mind, it would be ugly. Anyway, I do measure my words, most times because they are either thrown back at me, or used against me. I also do this, to keep my own sense of privacy. Yes, there are many times I would love to give people an ear full. I typically don't, or limit my conversations because I can feel the level of comprehension from the others. It is said, and I believe, that people will only understand from their level of understanding. For people that are not capable of empathy, compassion or even true care - they will never understand what I have tried to say. That's ok because they are on their own path, they will have their own crosses to bear when judgement day comes. It is not my job nor is it my right to ever judge anyone else. I do, however, have my ascension to tend to. While it weighs on my heart to help others, to be compassionate, to be empathetic, to be kind, and to break generational curses; I can not focus on other's place in their lives. I have honestly had to walk away from people that are not choosing to help themselves. That energy decreases my own, and I can't allow that anymore. 

I'm having to learn how to manage my thoughts, my emotions, and even interactions with others; because I am one that needs to talk through issues. There are many that can't be bothered to talk through it with me, there are some I depend on when I just can't get past an area, and sometimes...writing does not help. I've tried to write out issues, and then burn those painful areas...it did not work for me. I have written in journals for years, and while that does ease some...it does not always help. When I've tried to talk to some, they either look at you like you have a third eye coming out of your forehead or they just don't understand. It's frustrating, but I get it. I am at a different stage of my life. I have focused on what I was chosen to do for years - being a Mom, first and foremost. Now, my kids are older for the most part. Now, I have to ask what is the rest of my life to be. What is my purpose? What am I supposed to do in this world? I want to do something to make my mark, to help people, and to bring an education to the younger generations that has slipped away from years of not passing this knowledge down. 

So, as I finish up today's blog, I will be getting my house put back together after the weekend and getting back to some of the regular daily chores. I will be back in teaching mode, learning mode, and preparing for the last week of the month and all the celebrations that take place then. I'm also making plans for the new year. Building some furniture, doing some painting, and making some needed changes in our lives. I will continue to share some videos as I can, some blogs, and my typical stuff of stocking up. Today though, I am allowing myself the space to think and pray. 

Have a great week!