I have spent the past 5-6 years I have struggles through some pretty massive changes. I began to feel my heart, and spirit changing. It's been a long, drawn out process that continues to change each day still. As I have grown and changed, I have really had to accept some aspects of who I was, who I am and who I want to be; that weren't being true to myself. I spent so many years trying to please everyone, trying to do what was best for everyone, except me. I tolerated being belittled, degraded, and manipulated by so many, it is unnerving to think back on. Those whom you believe to want the best for you, may not be the case. They want the best for them, or want to control you.
The thing is, you have to have some control in your life, but when one person or a handful of people have all the control, you lose yourself and your own value. You begin to feel invaluable to everyone and lose all sense of self. Your own needs and wants are ripped away, your goals are laughed at or completely disregarded. You begin feeling depressed, worthless, and stuck. After years, of feeling this way, you give up. You begin to just shut down and feel resolved to be stuck in the same ole scenario. It becomes an internal battle for some, of doing what's best for your family or doing what's best for you as an individual.
Once in a while, These situations are put onto a different path though. In my eyes, it's through some miraculous or divine power that those situations are given a massive uprising. That shake shake up, not only begins the eye opening sometimes needed, but also a not so gentle shove towards rediscovery. In my case, that rediscovery has had some pretty painful realizations, mostly in the mental capacity but to some degree even physically. Through many years and heartbreaks, you lose faith in people and for me, in emotions. It becomes easier to shut down, build impenetrable walls, and lose trust in just about everyone. You find out who is truly a friend when your world feels like it's crumbling to your feet. Those you thought you could trust, depend on, and thought were loyal; just aren't there. It happens, we all change. Those that stand beside you through this process become more valuable than gold.
I've laughed at the many "labels" put on this awakening, including the infamous "mid-life crisis." Sure, I believe to a degree that in some sense, this could be acceptable label. I believe it's more of an awareness, awakening, or even finally finding the strength to weed through layers of what society has found acceptable. While I'm not quite to my 44th birthday, I am in that awakening state. I am at the point in my life that I am no longer willing to accept or tolerate what is not making me happy. Senseless drama fueled by childish behavior, is not acceptable. Forcing emotions or feelings that just aren't there anymore, is not acceptable. Allowing opinions of others, that do not know the whole story to dictate your worth, is not acceptable.
Through the many years since I first was slapped with what felt like I going crazy, I began valuing my own individual spirituality. I began to value my time in meditation and prayer. I began to accept that I felt closest to whatever higher being there was, when I was in nature. I began researching everything I could find on spirituality, as opposed to religion. I couldn't find a religion that fit, because my beliefs are unique to me and what I have experienced. I'm ok with that, it just makes it more difficult when others try to push you into a specific religion. I have tried to attend churches, Methodist, Lutheran, Nazarene, Baptist, Catholic; but none fit. I do not believe in brimstone and fire, or that the hypocrisy of confessing sins on Sunday, gives you a free pass to continue them in the following week. We are human. Sins are all around us, all the time. It is no more acceptable to criticize others sins, than it is for us judge others...there by creating yet another sin. The 7deadly sins that were supposedly outlined in the Bible, have become a cornerstone in society. If the religious teachings are accurate, that would instantly condemn us all to hell...if you believe in that. I truly don't. I believe we live in hell every day, and it's our purpose on this Earth to do our part to grow, become better people and therefore when we pass on, we transcend into a better life in the great beyond. We are going to make mistakes, make bad decisions but I believe we are all on our own path that we must learn from. Whether you believe as I do, that there is a grand plan for each of our lives, or not...the choices are ours, and we have to grow and learn to become closer to that higher power.
That being said, I do not believe in coincidence, at all! I believe everything happens for a reason. Everything, good or bad, is put in your life for a purpose. Whether you have prayed from direction, or guidance; that is what you are given...even if the road looks pretty tough. Sometimes, we are given options that allow us to see other paths. As I said, I've been in a period of awakening. There have been a lot of options, opinions, and spiritual guidance presented to me in a multitude of ways. I believe the Universe/Higher Power(whatever label you have), gives us clues of the "right" path; IF we are conscientious enough to pay attention.
Here is some great examples, that have been given to me. After my cancer, I was told I couldn't have anymore children. I was 26 years old. I dealt with that life changing diagnosis, the emotional roller coaster that followed, all while raising my 1 year old son. In the 8 1/2 years following that, I had 7 miscarriages. I was told I could never take birth control again because it was a known cancer instigator. If you have ever experienced a miscarriage, you know the toll it takes on your mind and body. Because of my cancer surgery, my body was thrown into perimenopause before I was 30. The prequel, to one of the biggest changes a woman will ever go through. Well, with hormone levels all over everywhere, I ended up pregnant at 35. That was terrifying, not only at starting over with a baby and an 8 year old but the thought of miscarrying, the cancer returning, and/or a million other concerns. After having my daughter, then almost losing her to an extreme allergy to the vaccine bases, I was again thrown into yet another learning curve. I have to learn Holistic treatments to keep her healthy and safe; all while having to fight a school system that "did not tolerate bullies" yet I was at the school every day for an entire school year when my son would come home with new injuries from a bully...EVERY DAY!!! During every phase of this, my marriage was struggling, we divorced briefly, and even once we got back together; it has not been good. We've tried, I've tried, but getting past all the water under the bridge and all the bridges that have been burnt; seems impossible. We get along pretty good for awhile and then old habits return and the repeat button on the roller coaster continues. Since having my daughter, pulling my son out of public schools; my entire life has been focused on these 2 kids. It didn't matter what I wanted, needed, whatever...I have done what I thought was best for them. I've bit my tongue, I've cursed under my breath(and many times out loud) at stupidity or ignorance. I've developed thick skin while catching grief about home schooling, being a stay-at-home-mom, and shoving everyone but my kids aside. I had accepted until my youngest was 18, I was stuck with whatever situation happened. I had gotten so depressed, that I was afraid to leave my house, afraid to drive, and even began believing the bullshit manipulation tactics that were spewed at me.
It was late 2012, when that began changing. It was during a night out with someone I considered a friend, that I was left standing in the cold while she was off with some guy, that a thought hit me like a club. That thought? "I have allowed others to tell me my worth, my value, and what is an acceptable or unacceptable way to treat me." That was a pretty tough pill to swallow. Here's the thing. Society/television gives us these unrealistic ideas of how life should be. Everything from "reality" televiion to corny fairy tales; none of which are true or real. Life isn't all sunshine and roses; nor is it brimstone and fire. Not all relationships are in constant honeymoon stage and differing opinions doesn't make or break a friendship. The changes in my life began small. They began with finding little things that allowed me to find me again. I began exploring areas that brought me peace. I began building furniture, taking pictures, going for hikes again, and taking a few minutes a day for me. I started trying to get back into the work force...even if very part-time. I had given up on my own goals and passions, and focused on being the best mom I could. Here's the thing though, and I can't stress this enough! YOU CAN'T POUR FROM AN EMPTY CUP!!! I know I have told so many friends this exact thing! I was empty. I had nothing left to give to my kids, there fore I had nothing left to give me. I had spent 100% of my time focused on my kids, my husband, and my home; there wasn't anything left of me. So much of my emotions were watered down, or gone. So much me was gone. When the opinions of others, the verbal attacks and mental bashing become so loud for so long, not only do you believe that crap but you just give up. You quit trying. Your resolve slips away, and you feel destined to be stuck in that situation forever. The thing is, one simple change can blow that thought clear out of the water. To some degree, I thank the woman that began this transition for me. It's been 6 years now since that event occurred. It's been a long, and painful process to get to the point I am now, and I'm still growing. I'm still learning and rediscovering me. I'm terrified as some realizations have hit me, but I am getting stronger every single day. I am not tolerating drama, or being disrespected. I'm not willing to continue letting my children believe that happiness is in another person, instead I'm trying to teach them that happiness begins within themselves. Happiness is theirs to grab a hold of. I want them to be able to make decisions for themselves, but also make decisions that fit their goals; not my goals for them or what society finds acceptable. I want them to see me happy, healthy, and pursuing my goals; to continue to teach them by leading, not following. I want them to understand that the things I do in my life, I'm doing for me. To make me happy, a better person and a more productive member of society. I don't ever want them to feel they are stuck, to ever experience the emotional drain of depression or any form of abuse. I do not ever want them to feel they disrespected, taken for granted or being used.
Experiencing mental or verbal abuse, no matter who is dishing it out, is a difficult rope to cut. Whether those who dish it out realize they are doing it or not, is still abuse. It's still unacceptable. I don't care if it's a parent, peer, grandparent, or spouse...it does not change the pain. While physical scars are visible and heal; mental scars develop a lot of scar tissue which results in emotional shut down, and walls thicker than anything. Getting past those scars, is tough. You can forgive all day long, but you will never forget. You will never get back to the same playing field you once were, and many times it will end whatever the relationship once was...be it friendship or partnership.
If I have learned just one thing from the growth I have experienced...it's this: under no circumstance, can you do anything; UNLESS you are doing for yourself. You can not quit a bad habit, unless you are doing it for yourself. You can not make anything happen unless you are doing it for you. I have been very fortunate to have some great friends and mentors during this time of growth. You can go from job to job, activity to activity, or even relationship to relationship; but you can not be happy until whatever you are doing, you are doing for you. For what you need, want, or what is serving to your goals. The only person responsible for YOUR happiness, is YOU!
For the past 27 days, I have been away from home for 14 of them. I've driven over 3700 miles. I spent 5 days helping the foundation I work with and the veterans is serves. I spent 9 days helping my Mom and Stepdad when he had major back surgery. Yes, it was beyond difficult being away from my kids so much. Here's the thing though. The 5 day event; I found my passion, and I found a peace of mind that I have never in my life experienced. I got to meet, help and work with some of the most amazing people I have ever met. Their strength and courage, their remarkable stories and the laughter was invigorating. It breathed life back into a pretty bruised heart. That same heart, had me tied in knots just a week later when my dad was going into an angiogram, had another stent put in and I allowed my brother to just relay information when Dad said for me to stay at home. Just a few days later my mom asked me to be there with her for my stepdad's surgery. I would have driven from my dad's procedure to my stepdad's surgery; but I ended up in Southern Missouri while my brother handled Illinois. Although having my heart reawakened has been a good thing, that crazy organ has a way of opening your eyes(and sometimes giving you more fits than you're prepared for!). Feeling, in general, has been difficult for me. I believe in my intuition, and I try to listen more as I've gotten older. One lesson I've learned, you can't make your heart believe what isn't true. You can not feel what isn't there, and when you do feel something....again, that crazy organ, will not let you block it...no matter how much you try.
Life can be pretty messed up sometimes, but you have to listen and watch for the signs. You have to pray for guidance, support, courage and sometimes even the strength to find your own way. Whatever road you choose to take, you have to choose the one best for your own individual being, not anyone else. When you choose the path that someone else may feel is best for you, you aren't allowing yourself the opportunity to grow into the person you are meant to be.
Watch out for the heart, that crazy organ will give you fits and starts, but it will guide you too. Use a little knowledge in your head, but always follow your heart!
~Salli
