Coffee Chat

This mornings coffee chat, will be a little shorter, I think. In my world, life has been a little upended, and a lot emotional. November 20th, I lost the last remaining grandparent I had. I am going to be a little selfish and I know he was the last parent to my Mom and Aunt, and he was not only grandfather to me and my siblings and cousins, and 11 great grand children; however, for just a bit, I am going to focus on what he meant to me.

My maternal grandparents were more like another set of parents, than grandparents. I spent as much time with them as I did my parents...even as an adult. Grandma was the strict one of the two for me. Even though she and I were close, she was always the one to be feared if you didn't do what she said. She spent many years ingraining how to be classy, proper, and respectful. Grandpa was always more of the silent type, until he and I were alone. Then, I would get to hear what he really thought. I was lucky enough to spend more of my 23 years, living close to them, than not...learning and watching a man I admired. He worked hard, always provided for my grandma, and rarely balked. I learned how to build, do carpentry, roof a house, side a house, how to build and work on remote control vehicles, we spent many hours working on his electric trains and the village he build for the trains to run through, and most of all, he taught me how to think for myself. He always told me I could do anything I set my mind to do, yet would remind me that there were somethings that were better off if I didn't do. He taught me how to use projects to control my temper, and to use them as a release when my brain would get to chaotic. A lot of what he taught me, I need to remember now too! I would get to hear a few of the stories from his military years during World War 2, the early years of he and grandma's marriage, and any other story he could tell me to distract me when I was feeling unsettled. He was truly a remarkable, admired and loved man in our family. Through the past few years, I watched him start to take the turn downhill, and it has shaken me to my core. It's hard to watch someone you love, go from the stubborn, never fazed person you had always known; to the frail, not talking much, not able to handle life person he was just a month ago. I was very fortunate to spend 5 days last December with him, and 8 days in October with him, but anytime I was in the area, I would go visit. I do regret not taking more time to get up there and visit but I know I have a life here that requires most of my attention.

My grandpa has been reunited with my grandma, and for that I am thankful. He was suffering through pain that was unbearable, and even though I know it was his time, selfishly, I wish he was here and healthy. Grandma and Grandpa loved this time of year. Most of my life has been spent preparing for Thanksgiving and Christmas throughout the year. Everything from furniture arrangement to make sure there was always a place for the Christmas tree, to getting outside lights put up to welcome Winter and Christmas, many years of Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations at Grandma and Grandpa's house, and the many years of Christmas songs playing while the card games and snacks were going in the dining room. This year, in my home, is going to be a little different. My husband and son are taking a hunting trip about 6 hours away, but Thanksgiving and the weekend that follows will have my house full with some of my family. I hope it will be as lively as possible, there will be plenty of food and snacks, and we may even break out one card game that I somewhat remember. I am putting up Christmas decorations this weekend, even though my house is in shambles with the remodeling going on, I am going to bake some, but most of all, I am going to enjoy the company of my extended family.

Thanksgiving is just a few days away. As I am every year, I am thankful for so many blessings in my life. I am thankful for my own family - my husband, and kids, are my life. I am thankful for my extended family and the friends that have become family, I am thankful for overall good health in our home, and the amazing home we have. I am thankful for the extended family on my husbands side, and the friends we visit with when we can. I am thankful for the mess in my house since it means we have a home, and people who are comfortable to live here. I am thankful for the never ending housework, that means we are all eating, have clothes to wears, and a roof over our heads.

This Thanksgiving, I want each of my readers to remind themselves of what they are truly thankful for. Even during times of hardship, there is always something to be thankful for. May each of you have someplace you can go to share the holiday, have food to nourish your body, have a warm place to rest your head, and love that unconditional. No matter how difficult life gets, how tight finances get or how many family disagreements take place; slow down enough to care. Take time to help who you can, take the focus off of money and replace that focus with value, and never let petty differences in your family unit disrupt the unconditional love you have for each other. Life is so short, my friends. Live each moment to its fullest!

Our world continues to spiral out of control! I personally think everyone is going through some sort of mid-life crisis! It's all of a sudden blown up into skin color, race, sex, or religious group; all demanding respect, and equality. The entire world is sure that each individual thought is right, and others are wrong. When everyone is wanting the same thing, there shouldn't be an issue, yet people are blowing themselves up, shooting/stabbing others, the governments are antagonizing each other, suddenly only certain lives matter, yet rather than getting respect they are committing crimes. The world has become a crazy place. The media outlets are only telling half-truths, at best. The political parties are greedier than ever and using the chaos to manipulate the people. The very foundation and liberty our country was founded on, has been decimated more and more each year. The freedoms we had have been limited, or withdrawn completely to manipulate people. You have citizens arguing amongst themselves because each believes they are 100% right, and are unwilling to even listen to what others have to say. Everyone seems to know everything, yet know nothing. Our society has lost sight of greatness that our country once held. Between corporations being allowed to ship the good salaried positions out of the country, the constant financial turmoil our country has seen for a decade, the low paying jobs that have been created, and the high price of trying to live; just in the U.S. alone, people have forgotten how to be humble and have humility.

In our country alone, you have races and religions believing one is better than another or deserves more than another. People's decency has flown out the window. Rather than treating each other with respect, it's become easier to rip them apart. Rather than having peaceful disagreements, you have towns getting burnt down, looting taking precedence, and lives of anyone disagreeing with them being taken. You have a group of people pledging to revoke part of our Constitution and Bill of Rights, while sending arms to known terrorists. You have people judging others for matters that should be private, but have become a political spotlight to gain favor. Our healthcare system is crumbling while citizens are being taxed for not buying into that healthcare shamble. Disagreeing with anyone, puts you into a potential hazardous situation. People have become offended by everything, yet accepting of the crimes/criminals that are egging on the problems.

Is saddening that people like my grandfathers and my dad, found in all the wars to protect the very freedoms that are now being taken from us! It's angering that people of all races, colors, and religions can't get past their own judgmental views to see what their ignorance is doing to our country. It's worse, that both political parties, are using these stupid events to their advantage. You have good and bad in every race, religion and nationality! That goes for employment as well. I don't care what color of skin, a differing religion than my own, what country you come from, or what job you hold; if you are a good person, someone who works hard, and who follows the laws, I will not have an issue with you. The ones I have issue with: the ones that demand something because they are female, white, black, red or purple, those that will lecture me because my belief system is different than theirs, those who expect everything for nothing, those that claim a crime is ok as long as it gets you where you want to go, those that judge other life styles because of the ignorance of believing they know what is best for everyone else(yet their own lives are a mess). There have been too many chiefs and not enough Indians for far too long.

In my opinion, if you get jobs with decent wages brought back to the states, get the cost of goods and services back into manageable amounts, treat EVERYONE with the same respect you want, stop taxing those working into poverty, get the government out of our everyday lives, get our education system back to teaching the facts without all the statistical testing, and focus on the importance of family unit again; this country would recover quickly. Right now, it takes 2 working parents to make ends come close to meeting. It takes 2 sometimes 3 jobs for a single parent. Our elders are thought to be disposable, instead of focusing on the value of their teachings. Our healthcare system is about to crumble from the over population of former uninsurable people. The taxes that the working are paying, are so high that even with a good paying job, you fall into the poverty level after taxes come out. The groceries to feed a family, now take a full paycheck to buy. You are now required to have auto, house, and health insurance; and even when you make too much to get the welfare forms...you don't make enough to afford. Then you aren't covered if you don't use modern medicine. The cost of utilities is constantly on the rise, and for many on set incomes, is unattainable. The tax codes have become a maze of stupidity! You have to have a CPA license just to understand them. Then, God forbid, you or a child decide to go to college. The cost of a 4 year college has become unattainable without taking out a loan. Then you are locked into a government loan, because regular banks don't want to touch them! You have higher interest, thousands of dollars of debt, and no jobs when you are done. I'm sorry, but if I spend $50,000 to get a 4 year degree, and have to get a job making less than $100,000 a year...IT IS NOT WORTH IT! That brings up another thought. Loans. Here's an interesting concept. You can't afford something on a $10 hour wage, so you go take out a loan for a vehicle, house, furniture, or whatever. So, now you have whatever, and your wages weren't enough to start with, so now not only are you locked into whatever you bought for 2-40 years; now you have to go get a second job to make that payment and pay your bills. Not a lot of common sense there. Rather than carrying around thousands of dollars worth of debt, why not just get what you can afford?! So you need a car, why do you have to have a brand new vehicle? Sure, they are nice, sure you can get 0% financing, sure you can get a cash back incentive...so the hell what?! The way I am understanding of that kind of life is this: by having a new vehicle it makes me look important. It makes me look worth more than I am. It makes me look accomplished or it fits in my neighborhood. So, looking at it from this stand point, means that by putting yourself in %20K-$70K worth of debt for a vehicle, it raises your self esteem, and keeps up with the neighbors? DUMB, DUMB, DUMB!!!! I'm sorry, in my eyes, I will go buy a used vehicle for $4K-$7K, and have a small debt for a year or two, pay it off and actually OWN IT before it falls into a pile and I still have to pay for it. I will own a cheaper, more budget friendly house so I can pay it off in a fraction of the time, so I am not so finacially strapped that I can't do anything but work. I will take all the grief of being a stay-at-home-mom, and not having much, so I can raise my kids...not a daycare. I will sacrifice manicures, hair appointments, costly vacations, and daily trips to a coffee shop, so I can provide a home for my family with real food not processed, being with my kids every minute possible before they get old enough to be on their own, I will juggle finances, learn to concoct means made out of whatever is left in the pantry when finances are too tight to buy groceries and pay bills. I will go to yard sales and clearance racks to purchase clothes rather than spend full price on clothes that are in style.

I have found that my simple life now, has changed my perspective on most things. I spent my early adult life, thinking brand new was the only way. Now, I have learned enough, that I know what is important to me. Material items, do not fit into the important categories. My importance is my family, our extended family, and those we love and have friendships with. Anything beyond that is just a bonus. I will not ever try to keep up with anyone, especially when it comes to material possessions! I am juggling our budget to get what debt we do have paid in full! I have been told that living debt free is not possible, so me being me, that is now my goal! To live debt free...and it is possible!

I'm going to end this coffee chat, and get ready to attend the services for my grandfather; a great man, and a veteran. A man that was part of the greatest generation in our country. A man that knew what it was like to live through hard times, a man that made a home and life for a wonderful wife, 2 amazing daughters, 7 doting grandchildren and 11 enthralled great grandchildren. A man that would help anyone that needed help, was the pillar of his family and never expected more than he earned.

This coffee break is dedicated to my Grandfather. May he finally be a peace and free from pain, and may he, Grandma and all in our family that have passed before him, rest in eternal peace.

Salli

Our Holiday Seasons

The holiday season has arrived! For many, it's the last couple months of the year, when there are multiple family and friend gatherings. The season that includes: Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's. I have always loved this time of year. So much time is spent with family & friends, beautiful decorations, delicious foods, and usually the magnificent view of freshly fallen snow.

Late Fall and Winter is synonymous for so many reasons! For many, it's the cooler to cold temperatures, snow, and the annual sleeping state for most of nature. The 3 main holidays, in my home, are Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's. I know this is also a time for multiple other holidays in multiple different religions and beliefs. I won't go into those, since I do not understand or know enough about them.

Our home celebrates Thanksgiving, on the last Thursday of November. It's a time we gather with our loved ones, share delicious food, and count our blessings. It's a day that most people do not work. Someone from our family typically hosts the meal. Our meal consists of: turkey, dressing, oyster dressing, mashed potatoes, noodles, green bean casserole, rolls and pumpkin pie with lots of cool whip! We usually add a few appetizers as well, stuffed mushrooms, bacon wrapped water chestnuts and occasionally hot wings are our favorites. Once the food coma wears off some, in the past, we have plotted our shopping trips for Black Friday. Someone or a couple of people, usually grabs a local paper with all the print adds. We find the sales that fit what we are looking for, plan a path that allows for being at whatever store as they open, and then prepare for that day. For several years now, I have chosen not to go. I got it in my head that it was a waste of time, energy and the people working/shopping were not exactly into "kicking off the Christmas season." That was about the time stores began opening on Thanksgiving day. I strongly disagree with that decision, but I am only one person. While the stores that are open on a holiday, have sales...none will be from me. Holidays for me, are meant to be home with family. In my opinion, until everyone else changes their tune and spends each holiday at home, stores will continue to be open. One person will not make a difference. I know I am doing my part though.

Anyway, Once we recover from eating too much, and shopping in the midst of chaos, comes Thanksgiving weekend. In my home, this is the official start of the Christmas season. The weekend after Thanksgiving is when we put our Christmas tree, start decorating and my baking/candy making kicks into over drive! I bake and make candy(usually the kids help too), and make plates of goodies to give our neighbors. For about 2 weeks after Thanksgiving, I spend most of my time baking.

The second Saturday of December, usually kicks off our Christmas gatherings. For 2 years(although I missed last year), we have what I call a Christmas Open House. The kids and I bake and make candy and dips, and open our home to family, friends and neighbors. We enjoy a few hours of visiting, sweet treats, and great conversations. Our home is always decorated, Christmas music playing, and I love the time to just enjoy a social experience that seems to be one that is being lost in this technological age.

From the time of our open house, through Christmas eve, we enjoy baking, special outings, and counting down the days until St. Nick arrives. It's always so much fun to watch the excitement of my kids as this time of year rolls around! Even with the commercialism of Christmas, and all the wants on their Christmas lists, my kids are thrilled with whatever they get. For all the parents out there who struggle with the financial side of Christmas; many years ago, we implemented an idea in our home. The idea was this: Santa gives gifts to every child in the world. It's not fair to other children when these kids ask for the large, expensive gifts. When our oldest was about 5, we suggested that he only ask for 1 or 2 things from Santa, and make a list of wants that mom and dad could get. Since then, our kids get usually 2-3 things from Santa, usually things that are less than $50 total, and then we buy a few other gifts. We typically spend about $100 per kid. This includes the gifts from St. Nick. Each year, becomes more of a challenge as prices rise, but it becomes my challenge to get as much as possible for as little as possible. Fortunately, my kids have learned that the high dollar gifts(i.e. video games, technology, etc.) Are not going to be under our tree. If they want them, they have to work to earn them. Christmas in our home, is more about family, friends, and being grateful for everything we have.

Another idea we implemented several years back, was opening a gift on Christmas Eve. They both know what is in their Christmas Eve gifts: new PJ's, a special snack and we watch a Christmas movie. Then we read, "Twas the night before Christmas," then it's bedtime. We have made "gingerbread houses," wish list chains, and drove around looking at Christmas lights. We have a calendar of 25 special activities, for the 25 days of Christmas. Our activities include: special movies, reading extra books, game nights, looking at Christmas lights, making a donation to our local food pantry, and buying gloves/hats/socks to donate. If I can keep my own hands out of the sweet treats, there will be little treats for the kids each day this year too. Even though we have had some tight finances, we will be making donations again this year. I really encourage this with kids. My kids love picking out food, socks, gloves and hats to give to other children.

Christmas Day, is a day for our family. We try not to go anywhere on Christmas Day. I don't like to rip my kids from their new stuff to take them away for the day to go anywhere. We try to have easy/snack type foods to munch on for the day. I love when they get up early, open gifts, and play hard for a few hours...then they want to nap. :-)

Once Christmas day is over, we have family gatherings with other extended family members. Then we quiet down for week, have my birthday, and then we are at New Year's Eve.

New Year's Eve, is always a relatively quiet night in our home. We have several snack type foods, some games, puzzles, and of course, Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve. Each year is a little different, but for the most part, I am the only one still awake at midnight. Each year, we watch the clock, and anxiously await the fresh new year. While most of my household is asleep, I pray for each member of my family, and our extended family and friends, the same thing every year..."I pray for health, happiness, peace and prosperity; for each of my kids, my husband and I, our parents, grandparents, siblings, and friends."

Several years back, I made the comment about each new year being a new chapter in our lives. Being born so close to Christmas and New Year's, really puts a different perspective in my eyes. I love my birthday's, even if I did cringe when I turned 30! I love that each birthday, is another year for me to learn, grow, and discover. Each new chapter of my own life, has expanded the previous chapter. Growing, learning and discovering more about myself and about how much people can change. Each new year, is a fresh start to achieve goals individually, and as a family. As my birthday this year will bring me to 41 years old, I am anxious, and excited to grow more. With the incredible journey I have found myself on the past several years, I am looking forward to leaving some of the weight behind. Growing and accepting all the good, bad and challenging aspects of who we are; can really be exhilarating. It's all in perspective. I choose to find the silver lining in all road blocks, or at least attempt to.

As our holiday season begins, I wish each of my readers the best. May you all find the warmth, love, compassion, and peace; this season is bringing me. Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

Salli

What dreams are lurking in your shadows?

"What dreams are you pursuing? What dreams would become a reality if you didn't hold yourself back?"



Just as the phrase, "who would you be if you quit being who the world told you to be," represents; what dreams are lurking in your shadows? Dreams have kind of a funny way of hiding or simmering until one day, a spark catches a breeze, and all of a sudden, the dream is burning uncontrollably.

When you have a dream that lingers in your gut, it begins to simmer and eventually, will catch a fire that burns too brightly to extinguish. What would you do, where would you go, or what career would you choose if there were no obstacles in your way? Dreaming of a perfect job, a career that fulfills you, a travel destination that you've envisioned for years, a business venture that interests you; What would this be for you?

For me, this has become a daily thought. What could I accomplish if I had stayed on a career path instead of being a stay-at-home Mom? What passions could become a career if I put a little extra effort into them? Where would I go and/or do if there were no obstacles in my way? Would I actually open and enjoy a little roadside business with coffee, homemade treats, and seasonal vegetables? Would I be able to display some of my favorite photos, in some fashion, and continue to take more?

For my own dreams, there are so many! I have never dreamed of working for someone else. I have always leaned more toward working for myself, doing things my way, and not letting anyone tell me what my time is worth. I have so many passions, that to some degree, all focus on creating something. I love to get creative with baking and cooking, I love to garden, I love to do photography, I love to build furniture and wooden crafts, I love to read, I love to write/blog, I love the D-I-Y of everything. Sitting behind a desk, or working a set amount of hours; based on someone's else version of a schedule is too mundane for me. If I get an urge at midnight, or 3 am, I want to set into what ever fire has been lit, I like the flexibility to do so.

After 3 long years of "rediscovering" myself, I have learned so much about myself. I am definitely not of the typical employee mindset material. I follow my own rules, values, morals and expectations. I am not someone who is going to blindly follow everyone else's lead. I love to make my own paths, even when they are overgrown! I love the gypsy/free spirited side of myself. Even though the responsibility side has become a very powerful one for me, more times than not, I love to just throw caution to the wind, and do what I want to do...instead of always doing what I have to do. I don't run from my responsibilities, and more times than not, they actually over-run me. However, there are times I would love to just say, "screw it!" I tire of being worried about finances, about keeping up with any number of ongoing projects that HAVE to be finished; and just making the time, taking the money and doing what I actually want to do.

Ideally, my dream would include doing everything I love to do, while making an income to help justify the expense. Could I really accomplish my dreams? I'm sure I could, with the right resources. The hardest part of all dreams for me, is my own lack of confidence in my own skills. I love all that I do, and feel I do everything with relative success. I just haven't had enough support, or enough resources to pursue most of my dreams. The right resources, including knowing the best places to market, the right people, and the right outlets for each dream; are very sketchy.

So, what would you do, if you could chase a dream, or are you already chasing one? I would love to hear from each of you! Comment below, send a personal email if you choose. What fires are burning deep in your gut? What dreams are you taking or wanting to take out of the shadows?

Salli

More Marriage Research

Recent research and statistics have revealed that over half of all U.S. marriages end in divorce. This is an alarming stat. This means 1 out of ever 2 marriages will end in divorce. Finding multiple lists of causes for divorce in the United States, it's just as alarming. According to IDFA study of 191 divorces, 43% cited basic compatibility issues. These included, but were not limited to: emotional, physical, financial, and communication. 28% cited infidelity, i.e. adultery. 22% cited money issues. While the much lesser citations of physical/emotional abuse (.5%), parenting differences (.5%), addiction/alcoholism (.5%).

The common denominator, in my eyes, is communication in most of this study. We are all well aware of how important communication is, but do we know how to communicate? There is such a gap in communication styles, not only between men and women, but in general as well. Men are typically the "fixers." They hear a problem, and they want to fix it, right away. Many times, they hear their significant other voice a concern, and rather than actually listening to the entire conversation, they zero in on the problem. They do not hear their significant other through the entirety of the conversation. They zero in on the problem, and their brain goes to work figuring out a solution. This is typically an internal problem solving resolution. Women, on the other hand, want to talk, typically. Women, typically, want to discuss a problem, and work as a team to solve the problem. There are times, that women just need to talk, to work through their own issues, without worrying about a solution. It's the whole Venus vs. Mars, scenario, at it best.

Communication is a major factor in any relationship. Without it, relationships of all types, will fail. However, as cited above, the 3 main reasons: basic compatibility, infidelity, and money, are all major players in all relationships. There is one area that seems to be taboo, and no one wants to admit the very real issue of sexual relations. When all the causes listed above come into play, I can promise you the sexual side relationships takes a major hit as well. We are constantly ambushed by unrealistic models of how relationships should be. You have a plethora of "examples" on television at any given point in time. Between the Hollywood models with marriages lasting as little as hours, to grandparents that lasted 75 years.

With relationships being such a hot topic this year, it has caused me to reflect quite a bit. My own parents divorced when I was 11 years old. Now, they have both remarried; but again, I'm watching one set celebrate their 24th anniversary and the other set divorce after 27 years. I watched a few friends go through a divorce this year, with marriages from 10-21 years long. I can't help but wonder what is happening to cause these long-time marriages to end. My own marriage has been littered with issues, but I have always believed in hanging on until you can't hang on any longer. I am looking at the marriages that have ended this year, and wondering what the final straw was. Was it as simple as "a light bulb moment," of clarity? Or, was there issues that had built over the years, and they didn't get the communication they needed? Was the marriage based on something besides love, from the beginning? Did multiple causes just pile up until it was at the stage of no return? I know that none of these marriages are my business, and I would not personally name or even indicate that either person in the marriages I have seen end this year, were without fault! However, when people you are close to and care for, are visibly hurting, it's hard not to want to step in and ask for an explanation.

With all the horrible examples out there, in regards to marriage, it becomes a little overwhelming to me, to understand just what thoughts are flying around. I did not have the best examples of marriage growing up. Like I said, my parents divorced when I was 11. My grandparents, on both sides, were together and stuck through their marriage trifes. However, after a failed marriage for me, and a marriage now that has its own share of issues; I can't help but wonder what is going on.

Marriage has become, yet another tangible thing. We see it on the news everyday: so and so got married in a festivity that shattered any fairy tale; so and so are being married for 6 weeks has decided to part ways - as if this has become so common; so and so has been caught paying off a mistress who broke the rules by going public with an affair. Very rarely do you see the celebration of a marriage lasting 50 plus years.

Many people my age, were brought up by the last of the baby boomer generation. This was the first generation to really accept divorce as an alternative. This is also the generation that has raised many of us that have been married and ultimately also divorced. Now, divorce has become a common household term. I don't know many people who haven't been affected by divorce in one sense or another. It has not only become an accepted term, it's become accepted practice. It's a way to end a decision that that once was meant to mean forever, but now just means until I can't accept you anymore. It's a term that allows relationships to end, material possessions to be divided, hurt or cruel emotions to overtake anyone involved, and ultimately it allows each party to go their separate ways with half of whatever they acquired during their relationship. Please don't get me wrong, some people are not meant to be together! I do understand this. I know my parents fit that category!

Looking back at my own life, I have noticed several things, aside from the facts of my odd way of handling things. I don't allow anyone to fully blame one person or another when a relationship ends. I know it takes 2 to make or break any relationship. The obvious exception to this is physical abuse! That is one area that is unacceptable, PERIOD! Even something as adultery, has 2 sides. While I really believe, as easy as it is to get divorced, it should not happen. When 2 people are completely unhappy with each other, staying together for whatever reason, and one has an affair...this says to me, that there are some major issues not being addressed. Some people believe that an affair is the end of any relationship, I used to be one of them. As I have gotten older though, I am more interested in what drove a person to that point. Was it multiple causes piling up and an affair was their "stress relief?" Or the lack of communication in the marriage, caused a break down in their sexual relations, and the need for the perceived intimacy drove them in that direction? This is the path of my own thinking. I'm always looking for a deeper meaning, or cause.

We all know how trying finances, compatibility, children and extended families can be on a relationship. If you tip the scales further with a lack of communication, a lack of the intimacy of a relationship, a lack of purpose in the relationship; and the scales falter. The scales are tipped against you. There are so many areas that break down a relationship, and becomes overwhelming to put the pieces back together.

You can scratch the surface with conversations about work, the children, your to-do list, or any number of other surface chit-chat. However, the deeper conversations, that are usually the more difficult to discuss, are never addressed and become the elephant in the room. Many have financial stresses that do not get addresses, there is also the sexual stress of not being able to communicate your needs with your partner, the changes each person goes through in a lifetime and are maybe causing a rut between the 2 people, raising children throws in a whole other area of obstacles, and one or both partners feeling a growing resentment from a lack of purpose or placing their value in the hands of those they trust only to find they should not do this.

Marriage to me, should be giving your complete self to your partner while still allowing yourself and your partner to grow. I've seen the phrase that only divorce is 50/50, marriage takes 100%. This couldn't be closer to the truth. Marriages have been falsely portrayed as "happily ever after." Marriage takes work, and a lot of it! Loving someone is not enough, no matter what is ever said, love does not solve everything. Love is both a noun and a verb. It is a feeling you get, but it also requires action to keep. Just as marriage requires constant effort. Marriage is not this miracle box, that brings with it the wedded bliss, you feel on your wedding day. Marriage is being able to cope with your partner's quirks, long after they quit being cute. Marriage is accepting your partner and their flaws, without condition. Marriage is allowing each partner to grow as individuals while also growing in the marriage. Marriage is a constant give and take, push and pull; of everything you ever believed you knew. Marriage is accepting the road bumps and trying to fix issues, while still remaining true to the person you believed you were and the person you married. Marriage is accepting each other, each of your extended families, both of your individual quirks, and accepting the effort it will take to keep that marriage going. Marriage is hard. When your partner constantly leaves dirty socks everywhere, or isn't an immaculate housekeeper, your partner is more of a home body while you are more of a social person, your partner is an organizational freak or your partner is eccentric while you are not. Marriage is working together to accomplish mutual goals, while allowing space for each partner to achieve their personal goals. Marriage is talking about the difficult issues without blame, and allowing each partner to be real and honest. Marriage is leaving guilt trips, jealousy, blame and finger pointing by the wayside; while solving the issues in a manner that works for both parties. Marriage is taking the time to know your partner, their likes/dislikes, what makes them happy, learning to read their moods or actions, knowing their past and what they want in their future.

If you are one of the lucky couples, that can truly find all of this in your partner, even if it takes time; you will find a life long happiness and friendship. If you are one of the lucky couples that has the same convictions to not only be happy but to make each other happy, and who believe that marriage is a life-long commitment; you are part of the few.

As someone who firmly believes in the Universe as a guide, it is a reminder of how wayward our society has become. I believe that we each have a mission in this life. While we are free to choose the roads we travel to accomplish our missions, I believe there are certain paths we choose prior to this life that are meant to teach us lessons. I believe that each of the missions we take in the physical life are meant for our spiritual growth. I believe that every single person we cross paths with, is put there to teach us, or help us grow. Some of these experiences are painful, some are truly life changing, and some are purposely meant to teach us some of the greatest lessons. I do not believe in forever, however, I do believe in moments. I think we are each given specific moments for those we cross that we do love. Whether we marry these people, become the best of friends, seasonal friends, or just know we have met our soul mates - whether the time is right or wrong. Every person, I believe, is placed in our path to learn from. Some of our learning experiences are harsher than others...sometimes, we have to be brought to our knees in order to learn. Other times, you given an indirect insight to some type of experience that you need to experience. Then there are times that you are tested, and must learn to trust your intuition. The nagging feeling in the pit of your gut that says something is right or wrong; and most people choose to ignore.

Whether marriage is your best decision or worst mistake; you have the ability to make changes. Marriages are easy to get into, and easy to get out of now. Unless you are willing to work hard every day of your marriage, talk about the tough issues with honesty, accept your flaws and that of your partner; I would say marriage is something that should not be taken lightly. I encourage you to know yourself intimately, and then take the time to know your partner just as intimately. Be willing to accept that there will be conflicts, disagreements, and issues. Know that getting married is a full-time job, every single day.

Marriage takes constant effort, and for some, it's an amazing adventure. For some, marriage takes on a life of its own and is a daily struggle. For those, I encourage you to communicate with sub-surface conversations. Take time to dig out of a rut before the rut gets too deep to get out of.

Salli

Coffee Chat

November 2nd, coffee chat. Politics, sports, seasons, and my crazy life.



Wow, with all the energy bouncing around our universe, it's no wonder we live in complete chaos! I haven't yet decided if many of the transitions that have taken place, are gradual or have occurred like a flip of a switch. It is completely insane to me, to listen to conversations, watch any news, or even read on social media; all the judgments, all the ignorance, all the offenses people are taking, and the complete lack of common sense. Everyone is offended by something, people are having conversations about others without their presence, everyone seems to know what is best for everyone else, the financials of our country as a whole are in dire straights, and the citizen population finances are falling just as rapidly. Our media focuses on color of skin, political party and bias; instead of reporting the actual news. If you haven't watched the news lately( I try NOT to!); you have complete networks focused on the red or blue sides of politics. Instead of calling a spade, a spade; they have to demonize one side or another. News flash!! They are all greedy, lying, conniving, educated idiots! Not a single politician in office today, has ever had to work or make an honest living, a day in their life. So when they are harping on being for the people....they are full of shit! They are for whomever is going to give them the most loot! I say we clean house. Fire every last one of them, take away their pensions, take away their unconstitutional "congressional" health care, make them live off the system they have created; then elect a farmer that has to depend on Mother Nature for an income, a rancher that has to care for livestock at all hours of the day or night, a Native American that has seen the harsh, inequality of life in his/her life time, a single parent struggling to not only be mom and dad rolled into one but trying to make ends meet every single month, a college graduate with student loans coming out of their ears; you get the picture! Let's elect people that have actually had to work, ones that have struggled, those that aren't given an option of "raising the debt ceiling" to cover their irresponsible spending. It's time for America to once again, be run by citizen politicians. People who take time away from their lives for 4-8 years and then return to their lives at the end. Give them a salary just over comparable to the one they have to give up while they are serving the people, not the millions of dollars we are currently spending for the crooks in office now. We need to return to an economy of capitalism, instead of consumerism. When society has the theory that it's ok to live on credit, yet look down on anyone trying to live truly within in their means; we have a problem.

Every year, we are told that for our economy to grow, we must spend our hard earned dollars on whatever crap we are spoon fed. Whether it be the latest and most technological vehicle, the newest technology, some new smart phone that will be outdated in 3 months, or the cheaply made products from China, or even the "cheap prices" from the bix box stores; we are being duped folks! How many people are trading in vehicles that are perfectly functionable, for something new, because there's 0% financing or cash back incentives? How many people are waiting in lines the day the newest iPhones come on the market? How many people go to the big box stores, complain about the quality, price, or service; yet they continue to go back? We, as a society, have been trained like Pavlov's dogs to accept mediocre. When was the last time you walked into a local owned store, and walked out spending what you would have at a big box store? When was the last time you actually compared prices, quality and time consumption of shopping at the big box stores or any corporation for that matter? Let me give you a few quick examples I have experienced in my own life.

Example #1:
We began our remodeling projects, on our home, in February 2012. We had set a budget of $25,000, got a loan(no we don't have that money laying around.), and set to work getting the supplies. Here are just a few areas that ended up costing us a lot more than planned, and had I done due diligence...we would not have gone over our budget!

Local Lumber Yard

2 x 4 x 8 - 2.47
These were high quality and straight.
And for the distance were cheaper!

This is only 16 miles from home.
This money goes into community and
into the pockets locally.

Menards
2 x 4 x 8 - 1.97
These took a pipe wrench the size of my arm to straighten enough to use.
This is 65 miles from home.
This money goes into a corporation.

Home Depot
2 x 4 x 8 - 2.49
These were soft but better than Menards.
This is also 60-65 miles from home.
This money goes into a corporation.

By the time we figured out that paying just a little more, not driving as far, and getting better quality were worth it....we had over shot our budget by a LOT! Of course, we had not figured for contingencies as we should have, but just the material list alone ended up costing us more than $8000! That was before the headaches we weren't expecting. That was just the materials that were junk at best, the cost of taking the hour and a half each direction to drive there, the fuel cost and the fast food meals we ended up eating since the service was so horrible it would take over 4 hours to get anything accomplished. When you figure in all of that with the cost of supplies...we are over $18,000 OVER our budget...and still not done!


Example #2:

Local General Store

Carries groceries, clothing, shoes, craft supplies, stationary, gifts.
Groceries are typically less than $.50 higher than Aldi.
Clothing is more tuned for men, but it's run by Mennonites.
Shoes are mostly work related, and geared toward long hours of standing.
This store is 16 miles from home.
This store is local owned, and the owner is working there everyday!
This store is closed on Sunday's and religious holidays.
Customer service is second to none! 5 registers, but ALL open!
Employees happy to help you to your car.
Always smiles, and greetings, and pleasant.
NO people of Walmart web site.

If I walk in and spend $200 on groceries and supplies, my cart is full!
They offer to push cart out, unload and take cart in...all with a smile!
This $200 goes into that business, that community and stays local!


Walmart

So does this.
Groceries are typically reasonable, but questionable quality. Clothing and shoes are cheaply made, and usually made in China.
The closest store is 60 miles from home.
This is a corporation.
This store is open 24/7, not much for family time.
Customer service is a joke. 35 registers and only 2 open.
Employees won't even load your cart, and usually careless if they look you in the eye or not.
People of Walmart web site...self explanatory!
I can walk in, spend $200 and walk out carrying a handful of bags, no help, and no eye contact.

This is just a couple of examples of lessons I have learned. Yes, I do still make an occasional dreaded appearance in a Walmart store, or any other big box store; but I do everything within my power to shop local whenever possible! I know it's always possible, but sometimes, I guess I need the entertainment. Pathetic excuse, I know. As I said above, the little bit I spend monthly for groceries and supplies, is not a drop in the bucket to a big box store. However, going to a local merchant, spending $200, they are grateful and service is outstanding! I willingly shop local, even if it means paying a little more. The differences that I figure in always include: the time to drive anywhere, the cost of the goods I need to purchase, the fuel it will take to get to a merchant, the extra expenses of meals/snacks or anything else that may have to be figured into the over all cost. So if I need to spend $200 on food and supplies, if I drive to the nearest town with a Walmart, I have to figure in at least 2 hours of drive time, 9 gallons of gas, a meal/snack, PLUS the cost of groceries. That $200 shopping trip is now going to cost me over $250. That's a quarter of next months budget allowance for groceries. 4 months of doing that knocks out an entire month of groceries.

When it comes to budgeting, I suck, BAD! I hate not having some play in ours. However, we are doing what we need to. I plan meals a month at a time, I keep tabs on how much soap, shampoo, toilet paper, etc. that we go through every month. I keep every one of my grocery receipts so I have price comparisons for the next month. I watch sale adds, but refuse to use coupons. I keep track of holidays, so I can figure in extra expenses for specialty foods, and prefer to keep plenty of staples on hand in the event that I can't get to a store every 4 weeks, or an unexpected budget shortfall hits. Which has been known to happen. Typically, I can stretch our groceries out to about 7 weeks at a time, which has helped when the finances are off kilter.

We live on a farm. I know there are plenty of people that don't view it as such, but however you view it, homestead/hobby farm, we are small. We don't have the luxury of absorbing expenses when a market falls, hay doesn't sell or sells for less than its value, livestock dies, or Mother Nature has a bout with PMS. I have had many people ask me about grocery budgeting and meal planning. It's not easy, and honestly, it's a royal pain in the arse! However, having done this budgeting for a few years and comparing expenses from prior...it's not only overall time saving but a major budget saving pain. I have heard every imaginable excuse why someone can not do this, and I just say ok. However, I believe that the only reason someone can not do this, is the unwillingness to do so. Yes, it's a major pain. Yes, it is time consuming. Yes, it requires planning. Yes, it takes effort. Here's our planning: We plan once a year to have a cow butchered. We have the luxury of raising this cow, but in raising it, also comes the care, food and water. While our cows are mostly grass-fed, we do still have the cost of water(stupid in my eyes!), and care. The care does include fixing fences when they break or get cut, keeping the hay mowed down so it will continue to grow and making sure the soil is sustaining for nutrients. These all cost money. Even though we are not having to purchase a cow to butcher, we still have plenty of cost in raising it. Taking it to the meat locker to butcher is another expense. Once a year, our beef expense averages about $700. Once or twice a year, we butcher a hog. We also raise these, so the cost is a little less than purchasing one, but there are still costs involved here - feed, water, hay/straw, butchering. The feed we feed all our animals is natural and organic. The little difference in price is worth the difference in taste, believe me! Our 1-2 pigs a year that we butcher, average us about $500 a year. So, our meat costs are about $1200-$1700 each year. These are big costs, in lump sum, but only average about $100-$125 monthly. When you figure that in with our regular expenses on monthly grocery costs, we are still only averaging about $300-$350 per month on a family of 4(2 of those being growing kids!). That works out to be $87.50 per week, or $87.50 per person per month. On a good year, this amount is decreased when the gardens grow and I can preserve food from it. The meals I prepare, are typically meals that have left overs. The left overs are taken by my husband for lunch the next day, and eat by the kids and I for lunch the next day as well.

While I complain about the cost of groceries on a regular basis, the cost in our family is relatively low. We do splurge from time to time, and purchase crap we don't need(snack cakes, soda, processed foods); typically our meals are all homemade and made from scratch. I purchase unbleached flour in 50 lbs. sacks, I purchase 50 lbs. of raw, organic cane granules. I purchase everything possible in bulk, and as raw/organic as possible. We use a lot of raw, local honey too. I shop our local general store quite regularly, but I have found that Aldi is now carrying a lot of organics that are priced good too.

With budgeting, always comes headaches for me. Between trying to make sure our grocery budget stays intact, juggling finances when income flucuates too much, and trying to finish this remodel project...it sends me into fits. Another income would be a huge help, and I am trying to finish this schooling I started but I absolutely hate it. I have done several things to earn extra money while working around running a household and schooling our children...baking, cooking, and craft sales. I tried working a local part-time job, and loved it but didn't like the laws being broken or the constant bickering of working amongst mostly family members of the owner. Even though the money I have wasted on this schooling is tying my stomach in knots, it is not something I want to do - EVER! I hate it. I need to be doing something creative, not suffocating. I need to be able to show my true colors through work I can be proud of and love while I am doing it. Whether that be building furniture, taking photographs or making crafts out of wood...I'm kind of seeing a pattern here. I need to be able to explore this more, while making a little in the process. I'm trying to figure this out, but while finances in our home are on a shoe-string, I need to figure this out fast. We have been fortunate to be able to pay stuff off, even if a little at a time, but the everyday expenses are rising and incomes aren't.

A quick thought on sports! What an amazing Game 5 of the World Series! Congratulates to the Kansas City Royals, on a game well played and well earned! Growing up in a Southwestern Suburb of Chicago, I grew up a Cubs fan. Yes, I know it's been over 100 years since they won a series, but a die hard fan is a die hard fan. Now, living in Missouri, we have Cardinals fans. I will always cheer for the cubs, but I also cheer for the Cardinals. I am thrilled to say that both the Cardinals and the Cubs did great this year! Kansas City rocked it right on until the World Series, and brought the title back to Missouri. Their first since 1985.

I personally like sports. I love football, hockey, golf, basketball and to a lesser degree baseball. However, I am a take it or leave it sports girl. I will watch it if I have time, or check stats when I don't. I don't get overly engrossed in the television ever. I can usually keep up with calls made, plays made, and player names; but I am not a fantasy sports person, nor do I have the time or desire to be. I lost a lot of respect for the games when the salaries started going stupid, and players started acting stupid.

Moving on....

We are in the final full month of Autumn. It's such an amazing season, just as each season is. I love watching the crops come out, the leaves changing colors and falling. I love to see the first frost(unless I still have stuff in the garden!), and occasionally the first snows. I love the beauty of nature throughout each season. There are so many different changes to see in each season that are missed by so many. We have all gotten so busy, we forget to slow down and just enjoy. A friend I went through grade school with has posted photos of nature and landscape, and even buildings in different areas. While we don't really talk much, I love to see his photos. I love the simplicity of nature, yet its complexity at the same time. I love taking photos myself, and nature is what draws me. I can literally get lost taking pictures of nature. I can go out, spend an hour taking photos, and end up taking hundreds. Each one holds some kind of meaning to me. I am far from professional quality, but being in nature, taking photos of nature at it's finest, and capturing its simplistic beauty brings me peace.

Each season has so many unique treasures within it. Each one has a holiday or two, each one holds a massive value to us. Autumn is a time of harvest. The beauty of the changing leaves, and the time of preparing for cold of Winter. The first frost, the first snow fall, the changing leaves, the piles of leaves falling off the trees, the bonfires, giving thanks for all the blessings in our lives, and cooler temperatures. Winter is a time for the Earth to rest and rejuvenate itself. The snows provide replenishing nutrients to the soil, the cold temps allow life cycles to start and stop, it's a time of short days and long nights. A time for to celebrate Christmas with those we love, and watch the magic come back to life in the eyes of our children. A time for a new year, to start fresh with hopes,goals and plans. Spring brings us the rebirth of nature. The winter's rest has allowed nature to be prepared for the slow, but meticulous process of regrowing, reblooming, and germination. We welcome the warmer temps, the joy of watching the new crops being planted, and days beginning to stay lighter longer. We celebrate Easter with our loved ones, and prepare for the care of our summer gardens. Summer brings yet another amazing change. The flowers open and show their astounding colors, the days are longer than the nights, the heat provides plants and soil with optimal sunlight to grow and produce.

I have always been one of those weird girls that loves Winter! I love the beauty of each season, but Winter has always made me feel the most alive. Maybe it's the beauty of untouched snow, the magic of Christmas, the thrill of knowing it's darker earlier, so my family has to spend more quality time together, the thrill of all the Thanksgiving and Christmas time with our loved ones, or maybe it's as simple as I just love it! The past few years have taken it's toll on my own outlook on everything, but the particularly hardest area has been my love loss with the holidays and Winter. I haven't enjoyed the holidays the past several years, it's become a contention just to decorate for me. I love the beauty of Thanksgiving and Christmas, but hate Halloween. I could handle scare crows, ghosts, witches, and the cute costumes; but it's become a show of gruesome costumes, scaring the crap out of people, and I hate to be scared! I prefer beauty, whimsical, and elegant to scary, gross and dreary. However, even with my love of the beauty, I just can't get into the spirit of the holidays I have always loved. I need to find it again, I still have a little person who believes! I'm not sure how to change this or what to do. Pasting a smile on my face, and pleasantries in my voice to get through November and December, again, is not working. I am one of those people that loves simplicity. I prefer homemade as opposed to store bought. I love to bake, sending things to neighbors and my husbands work place. I loved baking for orders that started in September and ran through December. A few years ago that all changed. I still love to bake and cook, but the thrill of it isn't there. It became more of a chore. The first year in our home, we had an amazing Christmas open house. The kids and I baked, made candy, and cookies; we took plates to our neighbors, and opened our decorated home to them to share conversation, treats, Christmas music, and loved every minute. The next year, we had horrible weather and it hampered it so much. Then last year, I chose to go spend 5 days with my Mom while my grandfather was ill, and didn't have one. I am considering another one this year, but wondering if I have the energy to do it, especially if I can't get into the holidays again. For years, I caught grief for counting down to Christmas, starting in January! It was fun, and everyone came to expect it. The past few years, it's become less and less. A few friends still start sending me count downs very early in the year. It makes me smile, and I will forever be grateful for their reminders!

While my life ends up being insane every day, I do take plenty of time to be grateful for all the blessings I have. I have so many, and I know I am blessed. Counting my blessings is something I do everyday. It has helped me drag myself back closer to the surface but there are still several areas that cause me to falter. I am becoming more accepting of the person I am, under all the masks I must wear; there are areas that I still lack the confidence to accept and those areas are not something I should need at my age. I should know better, and be confidant enough in myself not to need acknowledgement. Unfortunately, that's just not the case. Even at almost 41, I still need the little ego boosts of compliments, acknowledgement, and even an occasional reminder that I haven't become a complete screw-up. I guess, you all now know my greatest fear and my greatest weakness...never being good enough.

On that note, I'm going to end this coffee chat. Take time to enjoy the beauty that surrounds you everyday. Stop rushing everywhere, and slow down. Life moves too fast as it is. Don't rush it, enjoy it!

Salli