Awakening, of sorts

Several years ago, I believe my path in life, began to change. I got comfortable with my life, my friendships, and my own abilities. There are many ways the Universe speaks to us to guide us, but apparently, I was not listening. So, my world was rocked off it's axis and I was made to listen.

I am a little stubborn/hard headed, and yes you can stop laughing, I do know this. Unfortunately, I'm also too caring, loyal, and typically give too many chances no matter how much I get hurt. The stubbornness has gotten me into trouble my whole life. If I believe in something, no one is going to tell me different. While this has it's good qualities, it also has it's drawbacks.

I stand up for those less fortunate, if I consider you a friend; I will defend you till my last breath, I have a very strong believe system and values that by many standards are antique. I try to always give people the benefit of doubt, even if they have proven they don't deserve it.

Several years back, someone I considered a good friend abused my friendship. That became my gradual awakening. While I have trusted my instincts most of my life, I didn't listen on that deal, and it came back to bite me. Honestly, if I'd listen and trust my instincts more, I would be a lot better off. Anyway, that ordeal accumulated over 2 years. I finally broke down, and went through a grieving of sorts, that someone could treat another so poorly, and not have any remorse. That hurt. However, that began a process of seeking something more. It broke down my trust, my faith in people(again), and put me in a situation that was not good.

Since that ordeal began, I started listening to my instincts. I listened when something began feeling wrong/off, or if something felt right. That upset began a remarkable transformation for me, that's brought a lot of eye opening experiences, some frustration, and even some changes in my own views that were unrockable beforehand.

As my life slowly, although it felt like a sudden thing, began making some shifts that I couldn't have been prepared for; it through me for another awakening of sorts.It made me start to look at everything and everyone in my life. I am not an overly trusting person anyway, but it opened my eyes to so much. I began trying to let my extended family into my life again. I began to hear, and see the true motives behind other areas of issues, and yes, even my marriage began a transformation that has been pretty tough.

A little back story, I grew up believing in fairy tales and happy ever afters. Even though my parents divorced when I was younger, I still believed that there was a soul mate out there for everyone. I held the belief that love could solve any problem, that if you loved someone you'd never cheat them, and as long as you had that loving spouse, anything was possible. That was a childish belief. I have experienced love, compassion, and believe I have crossed paths with a soul mate. However, Love does not solve everything. It can make things much more difficult. I believe to this day that we do have soul mates, and yes that was meaning multiple. I think our lives go through phases. We meet people in every phase of our lives that are intended to cross our paths, so that we can learn and grow. Some people are meant to teach a lesson, some are meant to stay for a spell, and some are meant to stay in your life for the duration.

With soul mates, I think some of our closest and dearest friends are soul mates; and they cheer us along the path of life with different points of view. While some soul mates, may be romantic mates, some are not meant for to stay in your life; or they may cross your path, even if they are meant to be in your life, but they aren't there at the moment the Universe is ready for you to complete that union. Love can be a beautiful thing, but you have to be ready to experience it. Life has given us so many experiences; issuing us tests before we ever get the lessons. It's become very clear to me that the lessons, have an enormous impact while the test just ripples the water to open our eyes.

While so much of my own life, I can look back on and see the lessons, obviously after the fact. The parts that I struggle with are trust, resentments, and the degradation of my self-esteem that has occurred for years. After years of snarky and mean comments, being told to just let them go; the resentment builds. After knowing early that trust is not something to fully give, tearing down those walls becomes a challenge. After years of pleading for the things you want and need, you begin to shut down. Even when another person wants and begins to make changes you needed years ago, some of those changes you no longer want. You build your walls so high after being hurt, and let down so many times; tearing them down, doesn't seem possible. You reach a point of no longer being able to cry about the issues, and begin preparing your mind and heart for the massive change you see coming.

Mentally and even physically, you get so tired, you can no longer accept the half hearted efforts. You can no longer accept being treated less than you feel you deserve. You try to let go of the resentments of the past to move forward, but not only do you not know how...but you still see them happening, even if they are happening differently.

In June 2016, I began a 3 month spell that scared the ever loving crap out of me. I was on our farm, with my kids, alone. We were trying to get the farm sold, and relocate 400 miles away for my husbands job. The job had to start before the farm sold, so the kids and I spent 3 months with just bi-monthly visits with my husband. The first month was torture. It was terrifying, lonelier than before, and overwhelming. After that, we began to get a routine and schedule to take care of our farm, school work, grocery runs, feed runs, animal chores, household chores, and I began making time daily for myself. It was during that first month that I was terrified, that I began to grow even more than I had in years. I found out that I was capable. I was not the person that some had made me out to be. I may not have been able to make time for everyone, but I did what I had to do and kept my kids happy, safe and fed. I did daily yoga and meditations. I spent time with all our animals, every single day. There weren't constant arguments, and bickering. While we missed my husband, we were making it work and doing so pretty well. It shook up our schedules and routines when he came home, but we would work back into them pretty quickly. But it was during that time that I began to notice a huge change within myself. I was growing stronger, not only spiritually but physically and mentally, as well.

By the time we made the temporary move, I knew the time was now, to move or my marriage would be over. I couldn't continue the path it was on. It was making me into a person I didn't like. We made the move, and through a lot of alone time, in an area that I didn't know, even more began changing. I was lonely, angry, annoyed, bored, and that was not good! We spent 6 months in our temporary living situation, and that 5 too many. That situation, although it has some amazing parts, there were a lot of negative ones as well. However, my own spiritual growth continued. While I have continued to grow, I have continued to build up walls too. What I had wanted years, is not necessarily what I want now. Some areas haven't changed, but some really have.

When I try to think of what I really want now, so many words come to mind. I still want to be loved for who I am, not who you or anyone thinks I should be. I want to be respected. I want to be able to communicate with massive butt-hurt if it's not always what is wanted to hear. I time for just me, time when I can recharge, no one to aggravate or interrupt. I love affection but do not hang on me...that will piss me off instantly. Even though I am, for the first time in my life, happy with my body, I still like to hear compliments. I need compassion for the things that my heart is passionate about. I've been supportive to everyone else for years, it would be nice to get it in return. I need social times, because it's very easy for me to crawl into the introvert personality. I do not like feeling self-unconscious, please don't project yours to me, that's a good way to make me walk away. My eyes were opened to a life that I would never have believed to be so fulfilling. I am trying my damnedest to get back to that life style. The one I've been stuck in for a year, is not working!

I need to move on with my day, but there is so much on my mind, I had to empty some space.
Salli

Coffee Chat - Life's become a circus

It's crazy the way life shakes us up, and throws these dips and dives into our paths. There is a lot to be said, when you believe there aren't and coincidences...only paths you are meant to go down.

After a busier than normal weekend, learning how evil the nature of some people can be, realizing how some paths have lead to huge discoveries, and adjusting to other changes; has really caused me to look within myself. I truly believe that each of us cross paths by design, but some are not meant to stay on our paths.

This weekend, was one of those weekends that I have felt such an array of emotions, and it really has been a bit of a circus. If you've read any of my blogs, you know I've been capable of turning off emotions when I choose to. For abut a year though, that has not been the case. As much as I wish I could on occasion, I have learned to honor whatever emotions pop up. Whether they be sad, happy, confused, sure, or insight slapping in the back of the head. I have accepted each emotion, I've allowed myself to feel, every single messed up emotion that has hit me. While I'm really struggling with this, I've dealt with them. I have taken the time to look within to handle some of these.

It would be very easy to turn a blind eye to some, cut out the areas that stress me, or for that matter, cut people out of my life that stress me. That would be the easy way out...sort of. A few months back, a long time friend made the remark, "you need to open up your heart again." I will tell you, for me, that was a terrifying statement. When I think of opening up my heart, it means opening up myself to being vulnerable. It's means giving others a chance to hurt me, or caring for others more than they will ever care for me. You see, I've learned the hard way that just because I am willing to care for and help others, there are a lot out there that are not like me. There are so many that have no problem taking all they can take, using people, taking people for granted, manipulating people, and so many have zero respect for others.

The idea of opening my heart again, sends me into panic mode. I don't like feeling emotional. I don't like losing control over my own being. When your heart is open, it can so easily be broke. I refuse to be vulnerable to anyone. The problem is so many have lost the simple acts of common courtesy, respect and manners. It's seems so many have become greedy, needy and all for themselves. What ever happened to treating others as you wish to be treated?

The past 16 months of my life, have proven to be a challenge that I was completely NOT ready for. Transitioning not only in geographical area, life style changes, and then you throw in this lovely emotional awakening...I was more unprepared than at any other point in my life. I seriously did not have a single clue, what I was in for! Between the insanity of trying to sell our house, having sold and then the buyer passing away, to the realtor not doing enough to advertise it and now the 3 offers on the table just waiting to see who comes through with the money first. Then you throw in the marriage issues that have haunted my marriage throughout, the canyon that formed, getting to the point of realizing love does not solve everything - only makes it more complicated. To temporary living conditions while we wait for the house to sell, and those living conditions being less than ideal. Then you have the fact that we still have animals and belongings scattered across the state. Through in a few other areas that have juggled my life once again; and it's a total circus.

I'm trying to make the best of each area, but the longer this has drug on, the harder it has become. There's no reason to argue anymore, about any of it. It's time to walk away from what no longer serves, fix or walk away from a few other areas, and it's time to just be happy. While most days are pretty good, there are a few really bad days. I truly pray everyday for guidance, support, health, and safety of not only my family but also our extended families, and friends. I thank whatever higher power there is for all that I do have. However, there is more I want. There is more I need.

I'm not a materialistic person. I never really have been. I don't need the best of everything, or even brand new things. I just want to be comfortable, be able to care for my kids in the way I believe to be best, and not have to stress every single moment of everyday. I want to be able to be outdoors. I want time and space that I can escape to when the stress gets overwhelming.

This weekend, my husband and I came to the realization that even with all the chaos that life has thrown at us over the past year and a half, it's given us some pretty definitive answers about what we each want, need and what we don't. It's proven to us those that truly care and those that do not. It's also opened our eyes to many areas that have previously been ignored.

We have 3 potential offers pending with our house. None of them will make us a single dime of profit, only to pay off debts incurred with or for the house. However, it's time to close that chapter. Sure, we will have to save a while to get another place bought, but it will allow us to close that chapter of our lives. We will not ever be going back to that area, so there is no sense continuing to pay on 2 homes. It's also time to make some changes in our vehicles. My husbands vehicle is structurally not safe, and the brake system hasn't worked correctly for months...it needs to be gone. My vehicle has over 200,000 miles. Mine being more of the family vehicle...I need one with less miles, and that is more dependable to carry around my kids. The used vehicle market is astronomically priced. With so many incentives, it's cheaper to buy a newer vehicle. Although there are VERY FEW that I can stomach. I guess I just need to drive a few and see if any are worth even considering. Our current living situation will be changing very soon. I'm not handling it well. When you can't be outdoors without the bugs trying to cart you off, the inside is half as much as is needed, and the other issues with this place...it's a daily push to stay put even knowing it's only temporary.

I have seen so many hidden blessings in some of the trials in my life. Sure, they have been stressful and trying at the time. I have come to the realization that some bumps in the road are there to slow you down. They are meant to make you re-evaluate the direction you are going. They are meant to show you something. You just have to open your eyes, and pay attention. My own spiritual growth has come in leaps and bounds the past year and half. I've been forced to slow down, look deep within my own core values and beliefs, and to accept that no matter how much I wish they would some things and people never change. Those are some tough pills to swallow.

I have seen so much of this that it's sad. It's saddening to see how hurtful some can be, while proving that hypocrisy is alive and well. It's sad to see so much damage done when it's completely unnecessary. It's sad when there is nothing you can do to fix it. However, you can only be responsible for your own actions. This has become my own focus. I can not control everything around me. Honestly, I don't want to. However, I can control my own reactions to whatever actions I'm dealt.

As attempts are made to make some personal areas of my life better, I worry. I am concerned that all the water under the bridge has become too much. I can appreciate the attempts and do my best to make it through the rough waters, once again. It just concerns me that in all that water, there are life sucking issues that have already proven to be bigger than any safety raft. It's a matter of trying for now. I'm not sure of my own reactions, so I'm going to leave this thought alone until I am.

I suppose as I begin my day, I'm going to say that life is a circus. It requires several path changes and you must be willing to weigh all possible outcomes. You have to allow yourself to focus on your own needs and wants; while in continuous motion.

Take time to be still and silent. Make everyday a good one, even if there are bad parts. You can love someone without liking them, and vise versa. No matter how many times you have to pick yourself back up, keep doing it. Just keep in mind, a step forward and 2 back may just be the Cha-Cha, that catapults you where you are intended to be.

Have a beautiful and blessed day!
Salli

Coffee Chat

Welcome beautiful September! Fall is such an amazing time. To see the magic of nature throughout each season is impressive. Fall has always been a favorite season of mine. I love the changing leaves, the cooler temperatures, and even the shorter days. For more than a year now, I've worked hard to appreciate each season, and each new adventure my life has taken. It's been a huge struggle for me. I'm more of a creature of habit. I like routine, with minor surprises. I like my own space as much as I crave interactions.

This coffee chat is met with some pretty mixed emotions and feelings. We have officially been in our new location for a year. We are still trying to sell our house and remove the stress that has entailed with it. We have began building our lives here and had some pretty remarkable relationships formed. However, there have been some areas that are putting a hitch in truly moving on.

Sometimes, it's a positive stress that helps keep things moving forward. Other times, it the negative stress that is so unbearably heavy that it heavy enough to put pressure on other areas and cause them to break. I believe that is the position I'm in. With so many areas still unresolved, each piece of negative pressure is finding every crack in every area, and the whole foundation is ready to crumble. While I've really tried to do the right thing, take the high road, and stay positive; I'm human. I am not perfect and quite frankly, I'm freaking tired of it all.

I have struggled for so many years with some areas, that I just don't want to do it anymore. I want to be happy. I want to watch my life progress on the path that feels right. I want to grow and learn from new experiences and I want to succeed in my goals. I will be back on a farm, with our livestock, and have the homestead that I've achieved before. I am not a town kid, and I'm not content with living as we have the past year. Paying house payments and 2 sets of utilities; has been a financial burden that has negatively impacted so many other areas. I'm done with this too.

When this transition began, I gave it 1 year. After 1 year, I was going to re-evaluate everything, and decide what how to progress. Well, we are at the official 1 year mark. I'm still evaluating, but I can tell you, being here has opened my eyes to so much. A year can change so much. I've struggled with this change. I was not prepared for all the changes, as I thought I was, but I've adapted. I was not prepared for the headache of paying for 2 locations, for over a year. I was not prepared for the emotional toll of making this transition. I was not prepared for toll it would take on me, at all.

There have been so many positive changes in the past year. I've met some great people, been given a remarkable opportunity to help Veterans, I've been able to find the person I am and appreciate her. I've managed to find my way around the area we live in, and even found some great locations. I've managed to make each new situation work to the best it could. The kids have been so resilient in all this. They have grown both physically and mentally, and they are so happy.

So, even though there are some pretty major issues, still, overall life is pretty good. I don't ever expect people to change, that's unrealistic. I do hope that people will grow and become better people. I know I work everyday to become a better person, learn everything I can, grow spiritually, and I'm finally happy with the person I am today. I know there are bad areas, I struggle with how to fix them everyday, but I'm learning the only thing I can do is fix myself and my actions.

With so many issues, I can tell you my relationship has struggled, still is, and I pray that some areas of stress will be eliminated before they cause enough pressure to break it too. I also know, that whatever my intended path is, will prevail. It takes two to make or break a relationship. With each issue that confronts us, I've learned more. I just am hanging on to the single thread of hope that remains, that things will work.

As with all areas of stress, I'm not dwelling on them anymore. I'm doing all that can and when I no longer have anything to offer, I will walk away. It's the best I can do. So, I'm moving on with my day, with my daily prayers and meditation, and wishing you all a great week.

Salli