Awakening, of sorts

Several years ago, I believe my path in life, began to change. I got comfortable with my life, my friendships, and my own abilities. There are many ways the Universe speaks to us to guide us, but apparently, I was not listening. So, my world was rocked off it's axis and I was made to listen.

I am a little stubborn/hard headed, and yes you can stop laughing, I do know this. Unfortunately, I'm also too caring, loyal, and typically give too many chances no matter how much I get hurt. The stubbornness has gotten me into trouble my whole life. If I believe in something, no one is going to tell me different. While this has it's good qualities, it also has it's drawbacks.

I stand up for those less fortunate, if I consider you a friend; I will defend you till my last breath, I have a very strong believe system and values that by many standards are antique. I try to always give people the benefit of doubt, even if they have proven they don't deserve it.

Several years back, someone I considered a good friend abused my friendship. That became my gradual awakening. While I have trusted my instincts most of my life, I didn't listen on that deal, and it came back to bite me. Honestly, if I'd listen and trust my instincts more, I would be a lot better off. Anyway, that ordeal accumulated over 2 years. I finally broke down, and went through a grieving of sorts, that someone could treat another so poorly, and not have any remorse. That hurt. However, that began a process of seeking something more. It broke down my trust, my faith in people(again), and put me in a situation that was not good.

Since that ordeal began, I started listening to my instincts. I listened when something began feeling wrong/off, or if something felt right. That upset began a remarkable transformation for me, that's brought a lot of eye opening experiences, some frustration, and even some changes in my own views that were unrockable beforehand.

As my life slowly, although it felt like a sudden thing, began making some shifts that I couldn't have been prepared for; it through me for another awakening of sorts.It made me start to look at everything and everyone in my life. I am not an overly trusting person anyway, but it opened my eyes to so much. I began trying to let my extended family into my life again. I began to hear, and see the true motives behind other areas of issues, and yes, even my marriage began a transformation that has been pretty tough.

A little back story, I grew up believing in fairy tales and happy ever afters. Even though my parents divorced when I was younger, I still believed that there was a soul mate out there for everyone. I held the belief that love could solve any problem, that if you loved someone you'd never cheat them, and as long as you had that loving spouse, anything was possible. That was a childish belief. I have experienced love, compassion, and believe I have crossed paths with a soul mate. However, Love does not solve everything. It can make things much more difficult. I believe to this day that we do have soul mates, and yes that was meaning multiple. I think our lives go through phases. We meet people in every phase of our lives that are intended to cross our paths, so that we can learn and grow. Some people are meant to teach a lesson, some are meant to stay for a spell, and some are meant to stay in your life for the duration.

With soul mates, I think some of our closest and dearest friends are soul mates; and they cheer us along the path of life with different points of view. While some soul mates, may be romantic mates, some are not meant for to stay in your life; or they may cross your path, even if they are meant to be in your life, but they aren't there at the moment the Universe is ready for you to complete that union. Love can be a beautiful thing, but you have to be ready to experience it. Life has given us so many experiences; issuing us tests before we ever get the lessons. It's become very clear to me that the lessons, have an enormous impact while the test just ripples the water to open our eyes.

While so much of my own life, I can look back on and see the lessons, obviously after the fact. The parts that I struggle with are trust, resentments, and the degradation of my self-esteem that has occurred for years. After years of snarky and mean comments, being told to just let them go; the resentment builds. After knowing early that trust is not something to fully give, tearing down those walls becomes a challenge. After years of pleading for the things you want and need, you begin to shut down. Even when another person wants and begins to make changes you needed years ago, some of those changes you no longer want. You build your walls so high after being hurt, and let down so many times; tearing them down, doesn't seem possible. You reach a point of no longer being able to cry about the issues, and begin preparing your mind and heart for the massive change you see coming.

Mentally and even physically, you get so tired, you can no longer accept the half hearted efforts. You can no longer accept being treated less than you feel you deserve. You try to let go of the resentments of the past to move forward, but not only do you not know how...but you still see them happening, even if they are happening differently.

In June 2016, I began a 3 month spell that scared the ever loving crap out of me. I was on our farm, with my kids, alone. We were trying to get the farm sold, and relocate 400 miles away for my husbands job. The job had to start before the farm sold, so the kids and I spent 3 months with just bi-monthly visits with my husband. The first month was torture. It was terrifying, lonelier than before, and overwhelming. After that, we began to get a routine and schedule to take care of our farm, school work, grocery runs, feed runs, animal chores, household chores, and I began making time daily for myself. It was during that first month that I was terrified, that I began to grow even more than I had in years. I found out that I was capable. I was not the person that some had made me out to be. I may not have been able to make time for everyone, but I did what I had to do and kept my kids happy, safe and fed. I did daily yoga and meditations. I spent time with all our animals, every single day. There weren't constant arguments, and bickering. While we missed my husband, we were making it work and doing so pretty well. It shook up our schedules and routines when he came home, but we would work back into them pretty quickly. But it was during that time that I began to notice a huge change within myself. I was growing stronger, not only spiritually but physically and mentally, as well.

By the time we made the temporary move, I knew the time was now, to move or my marriage would be over. I couldn't continue the path it was on. It was making me into a person I didn't like. We made the move, and through a lot of alone time, in an area that I didn't know, even more began changing. I was lonely, angry, annoyed, bored, and that was not good! We spent 6 months in our temporary living situation, and that 5 too many. That situation, although it has some amazing parts, there were a lot of negative ones as well. However, my own spiritual growth continued. While I have continued to grow, I have continued to build up walls too. What I had wanted years, is not necessarily what I want now. Some areas haven't changed, but some really have.

When I try to think of what I really want now, so many words come to mind. I still want to be loved for who I am, not who you or anyone thinks I should be. I want to be respected. I want to be able to communicate with massive butt-hurt if it's not always what is wanted to hear. I time for just me, time when I can recharge, no one to aggravate or interrupt. I love affection but do not hang on me...that will piss me off instantly. Even though I am, for the first time in my life, happy with my body, I still like to hear compliments. I need compassion for the things that my heart is passionate about. I've been supportive to everyone else for years, it would be nice to get it in return. I need social times, because it's very easy for me to crawl into the introvert personality. I do not like feeling self-unconscious, please don't project yours to me, that's a good way to make me walk away. My eyes were opened to a life that I would never have believed to be so fulfilling. I am trying my damnedest to get back to that life style. The one I've been stuck in for a year, is not working!

I need to move on with my day, but there is so much on my mind, I had to empty some space.
Salli