We all know that life can sometimes, take on a life of it's own. We have plans for what we want, where we want to go, and so forth. However, sometimes, the universe has to give us a few detours to give us lessons for the journey. We meet people in our travels that cross our paths for a reason. We experience difficulties to teach us our strengths as we move forward. We experience loss, to learn the strengths.
Occasionally, we have what I call a "light bulb moment." It's a moment when you can see clearly; even in the clustered chaos of life. For some it may come to them while driving, working or out collecting eggs. For me, it's usually at the weirdest or most inconvenient of times. It's a moment that allows you to see clearly, even if it's only a moment. It can give you the strength to keeping going, the ability to cope with an upset, or can allow you to see several areas of life that just aren't working.
For the past 16 months, my journey has taken on a life of its own. There have been many tears shed, more lonely moments than I can remember ever having, more stress and strained relations than ever, and being a realist...some depression. A massive decision to uproot our family, to find a better paying job with more growth possibilities; turned into a major undoing, and a continual stress.
A year ago, my husband began his new job, while the kids and I stayed back to pack and try to get the farm sold. While that was tough, and a roller coaster of emotion, for me...it was all of that plus being freeing. It was a reminder of my own strength, convictions, and abilities. It was the reminder that there isn't anything I can't do, and fear is a road bump not a mountain. You see, for 16 1/2 years, I have been a stay-at-home-mom. My entire life/world revolves around my children, husband and home. If you notice, my own personal being is not in that list. That was my first "light bulb."
During the 3 months of living at separate ends of the state, I learned that I could handle life, kids, farm, and even a few fun things. However, my priorities did not include anything that would cause me grief, negativity, or headaches. Being the the "be all," for those 3 months, took every ounce of my energy. The grocery trips, dog food runs, and a few little fun things meant even reserve energy was drained. Then you throw in trying to be the agent for selling our house, juggling 2 households finances, and the steady stream of gossip...it got overwhelming, a lot. You know what? I DID IT! The only area that I did not have to worry about, was the employment end.
Then we decided that we just knew our house would sell, so we would temporarily stay in our camper. DUMB MOVE!!! First of all, they may be great for some, but never again for me!!! Too small, too constrictive, and later you will hear this again but living in a tin can, is NOT for me!!! Storms or wind caused me to feel sea sick, there wasn't enough room to do anything! We managed to pull it off for 6 months, but it will never happen again. We did manage some great memories during those six months, but that is no way for a family to live.
By the end of those 6 months, we were all bickering and bitching. We were stuck on top of each other. The kids couldn't play inside or out, we were living in a sardine can on wheels, still waiting for the damned house to sell. My marriage was rocky, my children were arguing all the time(something that was not normal for them), I was becoming more and more depressed and withdrawn from everyone and everything. We were able to find a little bigger sardine can in the form of a trailer house to rent. Sure it's nice but it's still a can on wheels, very small for our family, we still have belongings scattered from one end of the state to the other, and still have not sold the damned house. We are still paying on two houses, two sets of utilities, insurance and storage for what we did move...but won't fit in this rental sardine can. So, with over $2000 each month for 12 months, going out to cover 2 locations...the finances suck, the savings is drained, my need for some sort of control is teetering on the edge, and the strain is about to a breaking point. I'm still doing everything, aside from taking care of livestock and dogs...neither are here yet...at least not on our own property. I still cook 3 meals a day, do the dishes most of the time, do laundry, pay the bills, juggling the budget, make the menu and plan the grocery lists, deal with the realtor, deal with the bank that has our mortgage, take care of schedules for everything here, teach my kids, and now take care of most of the pool cleaning. There is one path we have crossed that has been a huge reminder of my own abilities. Working with a great foundation for wounded veterans, led by a Purple Heart recipient Veteran. That has been such an eye opener for me. Not only for the great things being done for great and deserving veterans, but for my own reminder of what I'm capable of, outside of being a Mom.
Folks, I'm a strong person, but I'm tired! For more years than I care to count, I've fought to be everything to everyone. The good wife, good mom, good daughter, sister, friend; but no where in there was I good to myself! Every ounce of energy I have given, has been given to others. I stress and worry about family and friends; only to realize many only need me when they need me and can't be bothered when I needed someone. Then there are a few that were more than happy to discuss me without me being present, and that was just a reminder that I need to follow my instincts when I wasn't comfortable around people. You know, I have put up with so much crap, out of so many people, for long enough.
I may not always say the appropriate things, or I may have days when I do not want to deal with people, but I am not a bad person. I am strong, independent, loyal to a fault, honest, driven and very head strong. The past 16 months have knocked me down, no doubt. The past 20 years have been lessons learned and now it's time to narrow my circle. As my grandmother used to say, circle the wagons. My circle gets smaller all the time, but those who are left, will never doubt my love, appreciation, gratitude and loyalty to them!
This detour, has had many curves, dips and dives, and tons of loneliness; but I have learned so much. While I may have times I struggle; you won't see me give up, or lay down without a fight! Although loneliness is something that is real and can be felt alone or in a room full of people; it's not always bad to have time to hear your thoughts. However, being lonely is truly a tough feeling. It's hard to get through.
As the song goes, "If you're going through hell, keep on going, don't look back. If you're scared don't show it. You might get out before the devil even knows you're there."
Back to my crazy adventure.
Salli
