January...chaos and Spring Fever

So, I have sat and redesigned my kitchen. I've made a list of new trees for the yard, new trees for a wind block, new flowers and flower beds, new fruit trees for the orchard, designed the new herb garden, and have a list of plants to put in containers to be able to move indoors during the cold months and some much needed green plants for indoors too. I got all my tax paperwork together, my taxes filed, my file cabinet emptied and ready for a new year, I've juggled numbers and planned out a budget that can possible work, I've sorted through several rooms and eliminated a lot of clutter. I've research some Feng Shui practices and items that may work for our home. I've taken quiet time to just feel my home, no noise, no television, no cellular phones or apps making racket. I've started making a list of items to put in each garden, and the possibility of 2 new gardens is looking positive. I'm making up the menu and grocery list for the next 2 weeks. I've got a list of things were damaged during our absence from our farm, and the estimated repair costs too. The kids and I have worked diligently to knock out school hours while all the surrounding schools have been out because of the weather. The guys have kept the outside animal houses full of straw, kept fresh water for all of them, kept the hydrant open, kept puppies warm, kept them all fed, and are keeping our wood supply in check so we can be warm as well. As the girls in the house keep the meals going, the sweets available, laundry done, and the house in some what of a respectable state. I am dreaming of beautiful gardens, baby chicks, green grass to walk barefoot through, flowering trees, and drinking coffee in the mornings on my deck.

It's been a difficult month in our neck of the woods. It's been cold, snowy, icy and brutal. I have been stuck at home for 3 weeks now, and I'm getting a bad case of Spring fever. We have not had this harsh of a Winter for several years. We have made several realizations this winter: 1. You can not effectively operate on a farm without a good, working tractor with a bucket, 2. Being together is truly wonderful, but too much of a good thing can be bad!

I have so many things I am wanting to do and get, but that requires driving..of which, I will not be doing until the roads are clear again. Our road is, as usual not taken care of. The ice rink that is our road, is only 9 miles but feels like it takes a month to get through because they neglect it so badly. I love living like we do, I can't imagine living any other way. The good with the bad, is what I look at regularly. There's usually only a month or two each year that I question the logic of it.

The past 11 months, have given me a true roller coaster of thoughts, emotions and events. Enough that I had to withdraw a lot just to be able to handle it all. We had snow last year until early May, I was blessed to be able to volunteer with a great group of veterans during a kayaking event in Arkansas, then came the month of June. June was a bit of chaos followed by complete chaos with my step-dad having surgery and due to complications spending 10 days in the hospital, of which they lived 6 hours from me, so I spent almost 2 weeks away from home. Then the end of June brought a surgery for my dad's carotid artery, and more complications. He lives 5 hours away, so I spent another 4 days away from home. Then July came with more chaos, and my mom and family moving into my house so I could help them through their medical issues. August brought my mom selling her house 6 hours away, living with us full time, getting their house packed and moved up here, not to mention July and August being a major canning time for our garden produce. September brought a lot of rain, mud, and continued chaos as my son turned 18, his annual party being cancelled and rescheduled, my best friend since high school finding that I don't live a million miles away and so began regular visits and the attempt to help me keep my sanity through so much chaos. October brought more of the same, and by November, I cracked. I completely broke down, cried for the first time in over a year, and began rebuilding. My mom got her new house here, they were able to move in, and get settled. I was dreading Christmas for the first time in my life, but I made our house look like National Lampoons. By December, I knew I would do whatever I needed to to make sure my family had a great Christmas, even though I was still in shambles myself. Then came my birthday. I think it's on the best I can remember for awhile. My Dad was here, my long time bestie and her son were here, and together with my family...they truly surprised the crap out of me. I loved it. New Year's Eve for us, is always lots of snack foods, New Year's Rockin Eve on the Television, and watching New York and the Midwest bring in the new year before going to bed. But then something changed.

I don't do resolutions, because I never keep up with them. Instead, I set my goals, reopened my imagination, took a look at some dreams that I had long ago pushed aside. I reopened my daily devotional book, I reopened my daily journal, and returned to my morning yoga and meditation...even if in shorter spurts, it's a start. Then something happened. My perspective changed. Yes, there is plenty of areas of issue, there is plenty of projects that need done, and there are plenty of areas that still frustrate me.....BUT, that's no longer my focus. My focus is on what I can do, what I want to do, where I want to go, and the steps needed to do it all. Friends, this has been 7 years in the making. It's not something that just happened. While I have you a brief outline of the past 11 months, my life has had 7 years of that constant chaos. While everything takes time, and fixing issues will not happen overnight, there is a clear path.

I believe that everything happens in our lives for a reason. We are meant to grow and be grounded by trials, we are meant to learn from each obstacle that is placed in our path. If I can say I have learned just one single thing over the past 7 years of trials, it's that I need to trust my intuition. I need to trust my own voice, and my own thoughts. When I think about everything that has transpired through the years, there are plenty of lessons that I've learned, but there are so many that could have been avoided if I would just listen to myself!

As I have said before, my coffee chats will continue, but I'm back on track to get my crazy, wonderful, chaotic life back into your hands...and live my best and most productive life. I hope you'll continue reading, add comments when you wish, and come along on the amazingly eventful journey we call life!
Salli

Old Man Winter

Old Man Winter, has reared it's head here on our little homestead. I'm fully aware that living in the Midwest, in January, is always a roulette of weather conditions. We have been very fortunate for many years to have milder Winters. This one, began Thanksgiving weekend with a blizzard, a beautiful December, and to this point in January is atrocious!

This month alone, we've had about 34" of snowfall, and about an inch of rain. The winds have whipped through here with gusts as high as 50 mph. We've had several days of not being able to get down our road due to snow, drifting and ice. We have managed to keep warm, but our wood pile is diminishing quickly from the excess cold, and being to get somewhere to cut more is a huge challenge.

As the homestead life I've lived for 8 years now goes, this Winter is proving to be the worst since we've been here. Since Winter 2012, we have had to make investments into our house to attempt to keep it functional and warm. We invested in it the money it took to get done what we could. That being said, we made some choices on materials and purchased them through a big box retailer to try to save a few dollars. Friends, do not do this!! Don't make the mistakes we did. These big box retailers, their products even if a good brand name, are seconds or flawed materials. Throughout different issues we have found in the different projects, I contacted the store. I spoke with the management, and even sent emails and tried to contact their corporate divisions. I was told the same crap, "we're sorry you had an issue. Our products are priced to consumers, consumers purchase them, we are not responsible for anything beyond that." Now, let me ask you, if the products you had purchased were windows, exterior doors, lumber, plumbing supplies and electrically supplies...how in the world are you supposed to return all that crap? Absolutely NONE, of the issues we've had, would have been noticed prior to installation! So, a lot of money has been wasted on substandard materials, and having to repurchase new materials, a lot of time wasted having to redo what we can, and as I'm finding this Winter...needing to redo several projects because the substandard items originally purchased, have allowed other areas to be infected with issues. Save yourself a bunch of headaches, use your local lumber yards!! The prices may be a little higher, but it will undoubtedly save you having any extra issues or have the expense of having to redo your project anyway.

Ok, off my soap box and back to this homesteading life.

Many times, I've looked at my life wondering just how I could make it closer to what I really want. When we first moved out here, we did what we thought we had to do for utility service, which also proved that they weren't real smart either, since they had everything marked wrong! Anyway, we put up a cheap shed to have some additional storage and a place for livestock. We had gotten a couple of old semi trailers that didn't have the axles and used them as well. Since then, we've found our setup is not working. We had 3 sides of our property that had fencing, and paid to get up half the 4th side. We haven't been able to get the rest finished just yet. We had cross fenced the front of half and made paddocks to allow a better grazing system. We had fencing set for hogs, a building and feeders...before we took our 2 year adventure in Southern Missouri, we got rid of all that. One of those axle-less semi trailers has been used for a chicken coop, but it's now falling apart. Our cheap shed, is just that. It's 3 sided shed, that has served a purpose, but it's not what we need now.

I think as we begin to settle back into our homestead adventure, there's going to be a lot of change come to fruition. There are many areas of our homestead that are no longer working, no longer serving a purpose, and there are several areas that need drastic repairs/builds. The chemical runoff of the fields around us, has either depleted the hay/pasture soils or completely killed off sections. The chemical mist from surrounding fields even killed off my garden when it was first planted. We do not use chemicals on our homestead. I am strongly against them. Since Old Man Winter is making his presence very well known, it's giving a substantial amount of time to plan, assess, pinpoint and address the areas of issue.

We basically live on knob. We do not have any trees(aside from a few shrubs that are about 5' tall) on the front half of our property. A 20 mph wind sounds like a freight train blowing through here. Getting some fast growing wind blocks is a very high priority. Finishing our perimeter fence, and fixing many fences that were damaged while we are gone is a high priority. Deciding what to do about our need shed, as opposed to what we have, getting gravel to replace where ever the other gravel went, replacing the hydrant that was damaged while we were gone, finding auto waterers to not fight with all the frozen tanks next winter is a massive need. Getting a tractor that works, hay equipment that works, are both major needs.

The 2 years we ventured south, were to find wages and employment that were better than what we could find here. While did find just that, our homestead sat for sale, for those 2 years. While we fought against outside influence on several sales...I'm grateful to be on our homestead. I am disappointed to have to take such a massive decrease in pay and benefits again, and can only hope that we can continue to make it all work. This Artic blast that we seem to be getting this month is challenging my own positive outlook, however, I am focusing on my relentless list making, my constant figures, my garden plans, researching the best trees for fast-growing windblockers, and thinking I really need something stronger than coffee!! :)

As life goes, this adventure continues, and I'm looking forward to finishing projects, making the necessary changes and welcoming those that want to be in our lives without causing drama! Stay tuned....

Salli

Grateful Heart

I have spent most of my life trying to be what everyone else thought I should be. Always chasing after the elusive "perfection," and being everything to everyone. Sadly, perfection to everyone, is one thing none of us will ever accomplish. Perfection to ourselves, is possible. Loving who we are, and accepting ourselves fully, is what our mission on this planet and i life,n life is all about.

This has been a struggle for me. I've always been small framed, but always struggled with being self-conscience about it. There were things I've not liked about myself or my body, since I was a child. I've heard my whole life that "it must be nice being so small," or "I don't even want to hear you complain about how you look." The thing is, I have ALWAYS struggle with it. I went through a phase of being told and telling myself that I didn't look right. I was either too thin or when I would gain weight, then I was chunky. Looking back now, I can't help but think others just had their insecurities so they had to break me down to feel better about themselves. What I see now, I was 5'2", maybe 90 lbs soaking wet; most of my high school years. I was small in stature, and when others would look at me...I was called all sorts of things from a pixie to a Barbie, or was told I looked anorexic. There were girls that didn't like me because I was small, guys were only interested in one thing through high school, and even as I went through my 20's and 30's...I still fought with other people's insecurities.

I spent my childhood being expected to be responsible all the time. My parents divorced when I was 13, and having to behave in a way that would give my younger siblings a good example to follow, was difficult to comprehend. Being the oldest, that was what was expected of me. By high school, I was resentful. (It's taken a lot of years to understand what I was truly feeling)I didn't want to have to be responsible all the time, I wanted to be a kid, but by then...I couldn't remember how. I held everyone involved responsible and blamed the adults in the situation. Even though I have always done things, to some degree, my own way, it was always drilled in my head to be responsible and set good examples.

I have spent the better part of 7 years, evaluating my life as a whole and areas that I have wanted to improve. I believe my darkest days are behind me. I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be. The thing is, I will always do my best and work hard towards what I want. I still have a love/hate relationship with my body, I still struggle to balance responsibility with going after what I want. I still battle demons no one will ever know about or understand. I still struggle with allowing other people's negative energies affect my own. The biggest step I have made in all these years, accepting that I am not a person to be boxed in. I have my own way of thinking, my own beliefs, my own thoughts, and even when I struggle with my physical appearance; I am learning to not accept each of these things as being part of who I am, but also that my own path in life is exactly where I am meant to be.

What's meant to be, will always find a way. When I keep focus on that, it's very true to form. The problem comes in when too many outside voices begin overriding my own. This has happened most of my life, but not anymore. Having my life shaken up the past 3 years has really helped me to regain my foundation. Life can be stressful and just plain evil at times. I'm learning to take it in stride, and attempt to find the purpose or lesson from each obstacle I encounter. Obviously, there will still be stress and outside voices that try to reign me back in, but I need to listen to my own voice. My own voice could have saved me a lot of grief through the years.

I am focusing on what matters the most to me. My family, even being just 4 of us, they are my world. I have been blessed to be home with my kids full-time for 18 years, even though this is causing me some grief at the moment. I know my children better than anyone else. They talk to me, share their dreams, fears, and goals. While we did not start out to be completely unconventional with their schooling, I would not change it now for the world. It makes my heart soar to see their eyes light up with new found skills and mastering new techniques. I love that they have been raised to trust their voice and their own energies. When I began understanding my own energy, and trusting it, it changed my life! Accepting who we are in all the good and bad, is freeing. Even with the roller coaster that has been ever present in my marriage, I know we love each other, and until we figure out the right path, we'll just plug along. Being together for 21 years and married for 20; that's a lot of years to just toss away, even when that would be the easy thing to do. My family is a family for life either way. When there are children involved, you no longer have the option of ever being just another statistic. It does not matter how old children get, they still need relationships with their parents.

As my own children grow, I'm learning to accept the change in roles. My own children have reached a phase of not needing constant attention and care. They are able to do some things on their own. It's a transition going from them needing care and attention constantly to not so much. My oldest is 18, he has 3 months remaining of his high school career. He is enrolled in college for gunsmithing and has begun a duel enrollment for this semester. He drives everywhere, works part-time and is such a large part of our family farm. My youngest has 4 months left of 4th grade(massive age gap), is quite a little whizz with science, math and technology. She loves animals and currently is wanting to be a veterinarian. When we can do our basic studies, and focus on their strengths, it truly is a magical world of truly loving to learn. Our family loves the farm life. We love our large gardens, our small livestock herd, our chickens, archery and firearms, we love hiking, and outdoor adventures. While our household is extremely conservative, we have intellectual conversations to look at the world through different eyes too. We respect the opinion of others even if we don't agree, and we know that our faith in a higher power is a priority. We have our evening meal together almost every night, and even if some of the conversations get heated, we all talk every evening. We make decisions as a family. Our farm, our finances, and any changes are made as a family.

My life as a whole is so far outside the box, that there are people that love to give me constant static. The thing is, our life works for us. As we get readjusted to our farm life again, we are moving forward with our goals as a family, and also as individuals. There are plenty of issues, but I believe trusting in our faith will guide us in the directions we need to be going. When decisions are too difficult we need to remember, when too much adds against you, you are on the wrong path.

So, today I am extremely grateful for the peace I feel and the direction we are going. We may not be where we want to be in our lives, but we are doing what we have to, to get where we want to be.
Wishing you all a grateful heart,

Salli

Coffee Chat

So many things are happening, yet so much time is spent doing nothing. I like to be busy but not overwhelmed. I like order, organization and to have a path of direction. Too much chaos, too many contradictions, and too many outside sources of grief; I tend to get a bit anxious. So, my coffee chats are my way of trying to make sense of the chaos, and find my path of direction. Sometimes it works, sometimes - not so much. As the year has begun with a massive change in me that's been on the verge of breaking through for about 6 or so years, I believe this is the year that I am finally able to push forward.

2012/2013 began a very treacherous downhill slide for me. I take full responsibility for my own shortcomings, and losing my personal strength to deal with much of anything. However, when you shown so much deceit, shown so many hidden agendas, and so much greed; you pull away from the source(s) causing it. Unfortunately, I due to deceit, I began doubting my own instincts and beliefs. I didn't trust myself, and what I was feeling. Sadly, that began a landslide of issues, problems, and more deceit that I sunk into a pretty dark phase in my life. I doubted myself, my abilities, my loyalties, and I withdrew...from just about everyone. By 2016, my personal life was having some massive changes that included making a huge move across the state. By this time, I had been hanging on to little threads of hope for so long, I truly thought those threads would break. 2 years in a new area, new lifestyle, and better circumstances, overall, and I began to see some hope...even with the continued issues. I found myself again. My spirit, my hopes, my abilities and skills, were showing up again. Then, BOOM! We make the move back to our little homestead, and the shit storm continues with more added to it. Now, here we are in 2019, 7 years after the ride of this roller coaster began, and I'm finally getting the haze cleared out of many areas.

The thing is, without taking time to evaluate and solve issues, I chose to try to let others deal with it. I chose to focus on myself, what I needed, and my own responsibilities; while turning over several aspects of the life around me were left to poor communication, second hand information or no communication at all. Once you allow communication, REAL communication, to slip, everything turns into a 3-ring circus.

I have spent 9 years in a Holistic Health group that has doctors in all specialties, and counselors in all specialties. While my own certification is Natural Health Consulting, it's very informational to hear so many discussions on so many topics. Finding out about so many Holistic treatments, learning the delicate balance of mind-body-spirit, discussing new research findings, discussing/debating new statistical findings, and even having a source for my own wellness; it's been remarkably freeing. While it's truly a gift to get all the information I could ever want, it's disheartening to not have the mindsets around me to share it. While my family is thrilled when they have an issue to know they can come to Mom for answers, it's a bit lonely knowing that's the only time there is an interest. I've tried to share and have a conversation about some of the findings and stats with my hubby and after about 10 minutes...the attention span is gone. I fully admit, I am the same way when he's trying to tell me about an engine he's building on a tractor, or how great some tractor is(while telling me about it's horsepower or even the tractor model). I do try to listen as long as I can though.

The hard part for me, has been accepting all the technology that has become so prevalent in our lives today. Sure, phone calls are a great way to touch base, but even those can be frustrating. Texting loses so much of the personal aspect, social media is cold and many times loses it's value when people are offended by everything. You can't have a civil, respectful conversation without starting a battle online...which to me is ridiculous! We have phones stuck in our hands or stuck in our ears, 90% of the time. You can't sit to visit with someone, without them constantly checking their phone, taking calls or texts, or in my house...it's scrolling through marketplace or craigslist all the time. It's become a society of hiding behind screens and behaving in ways that 25 years ago, would have gotten people in fist fights because of their mouths.

I have built a life completely different than I grew up in. I have struggled to learn the farm life aspect, and have had many failures along the way. I've struggled with being belittled, degraded and treated like complete crap. I've pushed through stages in my marriage that I probably should have just walked away. I was pushed into homeschooling my oldest when a school district informed me that the child who had been physically bully my child, was a state case so there wasn't anything they could do about him. I've watched job changes that began as being a great financial step up, become a financial nightmare. I have dealt with playing referee within my own family, my extended family, my husbands extended family, and most of the time does so in the shadows. I've made moves and transitions that I thought would make my husband happy, even though I wasn't certain. Each time I've been thrown into some new mess, I am always the one trying to make peace, make things make sense, or make things better. Each time, it's sent me into a new level of withdrawl. 2 years ago, I finally started making changes to better myself, to bring me back to a sense of peace, and to find a balance of stress that I could tolerate. Through the past 7 years, for every step or two forward, there's been 10 backward. Just when I begin to settled in and start making a life I can live with, someone or something throws a monkey wrench in it and I'm left wondering what is the best course of action now?!

Today, there are plenty areas of issue. I'm still trying to find my footing, but I will. I am very careful to not mention too much personal stuff beyond my own, but sometimes I'd just love to call out the headaches, and people causing them. The biggest thing right now, came about Friday. The one employer that pays a decent wage, has a super crappy way of keeping their employees. Hourly wages are tolerable, bonus system sucks, raise system is worse, and people just blindly accept it all, like there is nothing or no place else available. I'm sorry but if you want to keep good help, you want to keep positive morale, and not have a high turn over...you need to make the job worthwhile. This may be fine for those that don't have any more ambition than that. I guess as I was told by an employer here several years ago, I do have more ambition than that. I will not stay put somewhere that I am not given ample opportunity to grow, learn, and be paid what I am worth.

Sadly, this is par for the course in this area. While I love our little homestead, the area feels pretty oppressed. God forbid, anyone thin outside the box, or want to do better than they ever have. I live in a county that doesn't offer many jobs, the main industry is farming, and to work outside the county is a good 45 minute to hours drive. Realistically, the entire area is a poor area. Not just in mindset, but also financially. If it's not old money supporting the farmers and few businesses, it's the rest of us barely surviving paycheck to paycheck. If you try to take a step up, and do something to better yourself...you become part of the rumor mill, and are ridiculed to beat all. For us, we do not try to keep up with others. I honestly don't want their debt. Herein lies another issue. If you aren't willing to live on credit, you aren't going to get anywhere. For a few of us, we have as minimal debt as possible, and do everything in our power to pay that off, as quickly as possible. Then you look down the road. There's a brand new $400K home built, and with that brand new home is popping up new sheds to the total of 3 now I believe. The kicker for me, we offered our house for sale for a fraction of that and the few that were interested in buying it, were scared off by sources beyond our control. That has left me bitter, angry and feeling less diplomatic than I have ever been.

We have tried so many different things to make our little homestead support itself. I don't need to be rich or anything like that, but not throwing money at every little thing would be swell. I have attempted to get multiple jobs in this area since we've been back, only to be told I've been out of the workforce too long or that I was over qualified...which made me ask, ok which is...too qualified or too long at home being a mom? I don't have enough hours in my day to take on another job, but having at least one paying job would be helpful. Especially after having to come back here and taking more than a $15,000 annual pay cut. Then you throw in the headaches that has become part of being back on our homestead, extended family drama that makes me ready to walk away from them and my marriage because I'm sick of it all, having to deal with playing referee between my husband and son daily, and finding myself slipping back down a slippery slope of depression by dealing with all this again.

The biggest change for me, I am stronger now...mentally, and emotionally. I am certain of what I am capable of. I know the boundaries I have and anyone that crosses them is out. I still have a few missteps, but I've got this! A lot has changed for me, and needed to change. I had let my personal boundaries be trampled on, and took the opinion of a few to heart. I may not be perfect, and I don't want to be...but I'm worth respect, I'm worth honesty, and I'm worth the same loyalty that I give.

Now that my little rant is out of the way, it's time for where I am going and what I am doing. It's January but this is the time of year that I focus on cleaning out clutter, making the house feel like home, and getting rid of anything that is no longer serving a purpose. I'm in cleaning and organizing mode currently. Washing walls, windows, dusting every nook and cranny, sorting the old to make room for the new, and of course strategizing and planning for the garden. Mixed in with all this is my time volunteering with the veteran foundation that I love, and since my hubby got me the camera I've wanted for years for Christmas...I still have a lot to learn with it.

With all the clearing out, it reminds me of everything I've talked about doing, or wanted to learn. I love learning, so you'd think it would be easy for me to pick up new hobbies. Not so much. I'm a bit of a creature of habit. I have certain ways of doing things in my day, and when they don't get down...it kind of sends me into a funk that is aggravating. While I love little surprises, too many cause me stress. There are several projects to get finished, and I'm not certain the direction that some of the chaos mentioned earlier will take. That's a bit unnerving for me, feeling unsettled, but I guess when the Universe decides to show me the right answer...I'll deal with that then. I've gotten a lot colder and withdrawn than I had been, and while that may come in handy in some areas...it's proven to me that not everyone can deal with or handle me with my boundaries in place.
I guess I'm too much for a weaker person to handle.

I will continue my coffee chats as I can, but I do believe it's time to more subject based blogs. Whether it's gardening, canning, homesteading, homeschooling, photography, volunteer efforts, my homemade furniture making, or whatever else pops up...it's sure to give you a few laughs along the way. So, grab your coffee, and feel free to leave comments, or hop over to Facebook and follow along there.

Salli

What in my world...

A day in my world is a bit crazy, but there's never a dull moment!

So here's a peek at my crazy life. The days begin with my hubby usually waking me up so we can have coffee together and start the day. Now, before you go all googly-eyed and think how sweet that is...it's not usually. It's the time of day that we have a few minutes without young ears and opinions. So, there are times it can be pretty much the start of a bad day. Then my oldest is up and wanting to chat. This is truly one of those remarkable mom moments. He is 18, yes a teenager that still talks to his mom, usually every morning. Sometimes, I think it's the most wonderful gift...other times, I'm wondering who this child is that has invaded my space. Through all the good and bad, my teenager still talks to me every day. We discuss everything from school work, to chores, to our little farm and the issues that ensue it, to his long-time girlfriend, to anything else he decides he wants to share. Then, it's on to getting him in gear for his morning chores and school work. Being a home school mom takes determination. There are seriously a million questions you get from those outside the realm of homeschooling, but you also get the "gift" of relearning so much too. By this point he is in his independent learning area, and it's time for me to work on my volunteer time for the veteran foundation I work with. By lunch time, my youngest has decided it's time to wake up and start her day. We eat lunch, the 3 of us, and have a some conversations about the rest of the day plans. Then I have the lovely clean up, while the kids are burning off some energy. My oldest finishes up his daily school work, my youngest begins her school work for the day, I am rushing through dishes, laundry and the prep work for supper. By 3 in the afternoon, I am ready for a nap! Then the evening chores begin, my youngest is finishing her school work, and I'm cooking supper, while working on my volunteer work, and fielding about 18 phones throughout the day. By this time, my hubby is home and asking a million questions about the day, talking about what happened in his day, and I'm hearing from all of them, "what's for supper?" Supper is a time that I expect us to sit as a family, without cell phones or television, and talk. This usually works, but not always. After supper, I am usually ready to find a comfy chair, a cup of coffee or cappuccino and curl up for the evening. Usually I leave putting the leftovers up to my son and husband, the table is cleared, and most of the time dishes are done. Then my oldest disappears to his room to talk on the phone, my youngest disappears into her videos or video games, my husband is scrolling through facebook and too engrossed in it to care about much else...or he's snoring beside me in his recliner. So, that leaves me, and if I'm not still working on my volunteer stuff...I'm curled up with a book.

Fortunately, or otherwise, my kids have gotten old enough to not be as demanding as they once were. This is sometimes difficult as a mom. when they transition out of that phase of needing you all the time and into the one that they don't...it can get pretty lonely and pretty boring. I'm in this phase, and it really kind of sucks. I don't have much for hobbies, and since my husband has this obsession for scrolling on his phone for hours or snoring in the chair...I'm left to pretty much boredom after our evening meals.

So, you have gotten a glimpse into my little chaotic world. Once Spring gets here, I'll be throwing in all the gardening, all the food preservation, and any new little critters that may be added to our little homestead.

Thanks for reading!
Salli

White Flags

When do you know that it's time to wave the white flag? Whether it be a relationship, a job, a hobby, or whatever; when do you walk away knowing you've done you're best? This thought has been on my mind all night. I work so hard to be everything to everyone, except myself. While I push through everything everyone else needs on a daily basis, and I keep telling myself that there will be time tomorrow for what I want, it just never seems to come to light.

I give everything I can, to everything I do; yet it's never enough. There's either someone demanding more, someone or something putting a monkey wrench in everything I try to accomplish, or there is this crazy push/pull dynamic that constantly has me questioning not if I am doing the right thing but the loyalties, intelligence, and ability of others. I'm a researcher, I'm a reader, and none of the information I get comes from the noise box...aka television.

I despise ignorance. When we have a constant and unending connection to information, ignorance is unacceptable. Instead too many of us get lazy. We base opinions on what the media tells us, we listen to those around us, or we just decide that we don't care. The problem here is that no one really checks on anything anymore. There is no follow up, there is no accountability for what is being done or not being done.

I have spent the better part of my adult life in some form of business environment. There are so many levels to business, that it can be overwhelming. It takes an entire team of people working toward a common goal, to make a business move forward. However, when you have even a single dent in that team work, it gets all out of whack. Every business has run into too many chiefs and not enough indians, at one point or another. The thing is, it takes a great team lead to show each just how intricate each subordinate is, and how their individual parts play into the grand goal. When too many have to fuel their ego, the entire team is bound for failure.

It takes dynamic skill to lead people, to reach goals, to communicate even on difficult subjects, and to keep ego out of it all. When you are willing to work your tail off; for the principal goal, only to find that goal is only achievable IF all parts of the team of willing to work together, and they aren't...it's distressing.


In life, there is always give and take. At times, giving 100% is the hardest thing you'll have to. Especially when you know it's not being appreciated, accepted or it's adding insult to injury. As someone who can compartmentalize emotions and energy, work from home, and good from bad...giving 100% can take it's mental toll. When you are unsure if the ground you are standing on is solid, or if you're about to have the rug ripped from under you; it's taxing. There have been many times and I'm sure there will be many more, when you want to wave a white flag, and just say "I'M DONE!" Then we get back to my original question. When do you pull that plug, or wave that white flag? When is enough, enough? When can you walk away knowing you've done your best, yet you are no longer able to take anymore? At what point is it quitting/giving up, as opposed to walking away from a no-win battle?


I suppose that life is always a bit of a roller coaster ride. As my beliefs take me on the occasional wild ride, I have been blessed enough to usually see the lesson of it all, eventually. Although, those in between moments can feel like hell, I truly believe that we are taken on these crazy rides to learn and grow. It can be very painful, but as humans, sometimes it takes these painful realizations to make us truly see what we were meant to see.

The Universe puts on paths, connects us with people and places that we are meant to be. Whether we realize it or not, everything that happens in our lives is meant to and meant to teach us or help us grow. We just have to be open to these lessons, have our eyes open to possibilities, and have the ability to let go of what isn't or doesn't work. Whether we know or understand it, we are in constant motion. The words, thoughts, and even our movements, or not only fluid but also in relation to each other. We have to accept that negativity is being spoon fed to us through the constant connections of television and cell phones, and even many people we are in contact with daily. We are not taught to lift ourselves up when so much is dragging us down. We are not taught that it's ok to disagree with what others believe and still be respectful.

As I began writing this days ago, and have just had to take the time to word it close to correctly. I believe I will end this one with this: Even if we disagree, I will respect you. We are a race of ever changing thoughts, needs and wants. I appreciate all the lessons the Universe has given me, even if they have had the tendency to knock me on my butt. I will always do what I believe to be my best in everything I do. When others find it necessary to degrade, belittle or slander me, I will not retaliate, but will pray that they are enlightened. I may be a bit too strong-willed for some, but the ones meant to be in my life, will stay and appreciate me for exactly who I am. Some come for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime.

Salli

New year, new me...NAH!

Happy New Year!!!


As you guessed, I'm not changing much, ever! The thing is, I'm working on me. I am working towards being a better version of me, all the time. If you have read even a few of my prior blog posts, you know I have struggled with several areas of life for the past several years. There have been a lot of changes for me. The hardest part is always limiting what I say to avoid causing any more grief than I already deal with.

Here's the thing: I refuse to make resolutions. I won't stick to them, and usually within a month, I don't even remember what they are. So, this year, I have set goals to move me in the direction I want to go. No more winging it, or just going with the flow. That has never set well for me. When I see a problem, I want to fix it...not whine and complain about it. I am going to make the absolute best possible year in 2019. That may mean leaving people and/or things out of consideration. I wasn't able to get life in order once we moved back to our farm before all hell broke loose, so that is a high priority for me. I still have boxes that haven't been unpacked because life got away from me! There's been too long of a period of me keeping quiet to avoid arguments, avoid having people upset with me, and honestly...I became a door mat. No more!

When life moves at the speed of technology, there is so much that is missed. We all get too wrapped up in being connected 24/7, but forget that real connections are made from looking up from our phones. We have phones in hand during meals, during special events, and even during time that should be spent with family/friends. We are constantly connected. It's time to unplug once in a while. It's time to make time to have some fun that isn't full of technology. It's time to do something, I've never done. What that is...I'm not certain yet.

My general goals for 2019: Get Organized, Unclutter and finish unpacking, Make time for fun, Learn to say NO...and mean it!, Work on me and take time for me as needed, Spend more time unplugged, Manage finances better, Do at least one new thing this year, Learn to speak up.

While these are general, my details are already written in, and I may add to this as I complete my goals. We all know, if all we had to focus on was goals, they'd be a lot easier to achieve, but life loves to throw us a few curve balls. So, as life goes, I will continue in my responsibilities as I always do, but I may have to put a limit on my time working so I can make time for other important areas: gardening, photography, and FUN!

2019 is shaping up to be a busy year. Since the foundation is in full swing planning and fundraising mode for our Valetines for Veterans Concert in February and hopefully, our annual Paddlefest in May; there's a lot that goes into making these things happen. Our little homestead is buzzing with constant action - cows, calves, chickens, dogs, puppies, and the list goes on. As I made mention January 1st, on my Facebook page, there will be a lot of changes this year and I hope you all will go along on this journey with me. This blog will be seeing a lot of attention, as will my personal Facebook page.

As homesteading goes, there's always something that needs done. This year, we are looking at a list like this: new gravel for the drive, new fencing to repair damaged or missing fence, new chicken coop since the current one is falling apart, getting automatic waterers to help ease some of the daily chores, getting hog fencing to raise a few for butchering, making paddock fencing changes, building the rest of the deck on the front of the house, fixing our ramp on the deck, getting a concrete walkway built, and the most expensive part...replacing our old, non working hay equipment. We really need to build another shed...one that is actually enclosed, and could be used for vehicle/tractor repairs, storing tools, etc.

As is typical for this time of year, it's also garden planning time. Since I already know that I will be adding a pumpkin patch, and possibly another garden in addition to the other 2 gardens already in place. I'd love to add more fruit to the mix this year, but we'll see. I love my gardens, the peace of mind they bring and the most important thing is the produce they yield. Of course, there is a ton of work that goes into maintaining them...but it's a small price to pay when you are reaping those fresh jars of vegetables and fruits in the middle of winter.

We have roughly 3 months before the frenzy of planting begins, not only with our gardens but also with those who plant the fields. Once planting begins with the row croppers...my husband's schedule changes, and that brings changes around our homestead. My son, who is now 18, is working part time, doing his last semester of high school and is taking on his new adventure with college. He decided to begin that journey while still in high school and that has made some changes around here too. My youngest, while technically in 4th grade now, is doing school work equivalent to 6-8 grades in most subjects. So, life on our homestead is always busy, always some type of adventure, and trying to keep everything straight ends up looking a 3-ring circus of some form of organized chaos!

My own adventures have been pretty minimal, but we'll see where 2019 leads. I've let so much slip being overwhelmed, allowing too many things take up residency in my head that should not be there, and not being able to say NO and stick to it! I'm very anxious for the road(s) ahead of me. There is always dips and dives, loops and bumps; I'm excited to see where the Universe takes me this year. I hope you all will follow along, and maybe you'll even get a few laughs in our chaos.

Happy New Year to each of you!!! I hope you will have a healthy, safe, productive, enlightening, and prosperous new year!!
Salli