Good Friday Morning! So many changes have happened for me. Enough that my mind is a little cluttered, but not necessarily in a bad way. The past year or two have been tough. I have really struggled with so much, for even longer than the last couple of years. Spending many years feeling out of my element, being made to feel like I was only somebody's mother/wife, and not really having the best self-esteem during my marriage, I was lost for awhile. There are several great things that have occurred because of the last move to Southern Missouri. Those have given me so much to build on. Today, I need to talk a bit, and because I am doing all the packing; I don't believe this will be a long chat.
The move South, terrified me. Although I tried to be a supportive wife, I've kinda failed on that, and I'm ok with that. I have spent most of my life putting other people and their thoughts/feelings, above my own. I figured if my family was happy and together, that was enough to make me happy. Unfortunately, that's not realistic. I, too, am a person with thoughts, feelings, and needs. I struggled with that thought. I had to work past feeling that I needed to be a little selfish, because my needs/wants/feelings weren't being met. Now, I can blame a million things or come up with a million excuses but I won't. I let my family do their thing, while I sank further down than I've ever been. I let my family, my husband, and others, take full advantage of me. The one thing I have learned the hard way, no one ever concerns themselves with a strong person. It's thought that a strong person, doesn't need anyone or anything. Apparently, I am not that strong...because I do.
I don't need constant recognition, or attention. I am not one that has expensive taste or a high maintenance personality. I have no troubles with working hard towards what I really want. The trouble I can see is that my requirements are so minimal that they are never thought about. I love simple, easy, and non-complicated things. I love my gardens, bonfires, watching the stars and moon, building furniture, cooking/baking, I love livestock/chickens/pigs/horses, I love genuine people and the few people in my inner circle are so fully in my heart they are my chosen family.
The trouble that I find regularly, is that genuine, loyal, and caring people are very difficult to come by. Too many try to hide their true intentions, and when my intuition screams at me calling them out on their crap...I struggle to bite my tongue. When I look in someone's eyes, and their first reaction is to look away...I know the type of person I'm dealing with. However, there are some, that looking in their eyes brings a different type of intuition. Those people, are the ones you look in their eyes and you see more than you could ever put words to. It's a feeling I have learned to pay attention to. Those rare people, tend to have some much hidden in their eyes. I would love to say the eyes are the windows to the soul, and I do believe that, but sometimes it's difficult to read the fire they project. Humans are energetic beings. We each emit a vibrational frequency of energy, most don't pay attention to it though. Those energies are readable if you pay attention. Many times connections are made because that energy matches our own, and sometimes the energies change and connections are broken.
I know my own connections, those that I hold dearest in my heart, are energies that match my own. This move has allowed me to grow. Mentally, emotionally, academically, and spiritually. So, this move was not a complete wash out. It has been hard! In a year and a half, I am finding my way out of a really dark abyss that was sinking me. I'm not there anymore, not even close! However, there is a lot I have learned about myself that will require more growing; a lot I have learned that I need/want for myself, and I'm tired of putting those things on a back burner just to appease everyone else.
In just a few days, I will be back at the farm I love so dearly. It has meant leaving the life I/we have built here to go back to what my daughter calls the war zone. A lot has changed for me, will continue to change, and there have been a lot of boundary lines placed for the return to that life. There is a lot more involved now. I have a career that I love so much, in a field with people that have my respect. I am not the quiet, meek, keep to myself person I was when we left. I have learned that I still have a voice, I have a brain that still holds so much knowledge, I have the ability to do anything I set my mind to, and people that truly believe in what I am capable of. I can't wait to have all the animals, gardens, SPACE, and comfort of home; but I refuse to pushed around anymore.
My heart has been bruised by several burnt bridges, several unkind words and actions, and feeling like I've been taken advantage of; but this crazy little heart can still beat, still love, still care, and still flutter like a school girl talking to her crush! This precious heart loves my children unconditionally, without end! It cares for people even when it knows it won't get that care returned. This brain still likes to sneak in those negative thoughts to remind me to stay humble but also to know how much more I deserve. When something you are passionate about, brings your heart to a flutter or makes your brain stop the negative self-talk, and you feel alive...PAY ATTENTION! Sometimes, the struggle to follow what you feel, will conflict with what others consider right/wrong. That's when you should always follow your heart. That crazy little organ has a mind of its own.
Until next time, I will just say this: I am embarking on another journey with some familiarity but also with some new and exciting options. I'm ready!!! Game On!!!!!
<3 Salli
