43 revolutions around the sun, and starting another one!
Today, I'm officially 43 years old. I'm not like many that cringe at their age. I love my birthdays! I love seeing how much has changed over the course of a year. It's amazing to reflect and see how 43 years changes people.
About 7 years ago, I began a phase that has been deeply reflective, and pretty eye-opening too. What began as a friendship gone bad, a gut feeling, and some weird insight...has led me to where I am today. I've slowly began relearning who I am as a person. Pushing past the stigmas of who I was told to be, what was expected of me, and finding my way out of what I can only describe as a lot of years of isolation. I began questioning everything, and seeking a resemblance of truth through multi-sided stories. I began trying to find who I am, now...without all the expectations, the required responsibilities, and dogma of being someone's wife or mom. Somewhere along the way, that's all I had become.
I began my journey into understanding my faith. I'm not religious, but I am very spiritual. There is a difference. I believe that there is a higher power than all of us, and the possibility of a grander plan, with many options. I believe we have choices, and options throughout that grand plan, but there are not coincidences. I believe every area of our life is meant to happen to guide us. While there are MANY areas, I wish I could understand and know why they have happened as they have...I believe they will be revealed when the Universal time is right.
I'm a mom, first and above all else. My children are my entire world. They are the greatest kids, with hearts so big, caring and kind souls, and yes...I know they have flaws. They are human! In my eyes, their flaws and their perfections are part and parcel of the amazing children that they are. You don't understand how a heart can beat outside the body, until you have children.
I don't believe that "mid-life crisis" is accurate. I think you reach a stage that your eyes seek truth, balance, happiness and fulfillment. I spent years bouncing through what was expected of me. Each time I tried to veer off the that path, I ran into headaches. Rather than finding my own way, I was given a path that was expected. Now, I'm raising 2 kids of my own, and I do not want that for them. I want them to find their own way. Sure, I want to protect them from heartache, pain and stress, but I have to loosen the reins a little to allow them to find their own path. I will be there as long as humanly possible to help, but at some point, they have to know their actions will have equal or opposite reactions. They have to know how to handle that. They have to know how to handle, deal, and move on from mistakes.
However, even having children, so many of us loose sight of our individuality. We spend so much time in the mom role, that we forget we are people, and women. We forget we have needs of our own that typically get neglected while we are in our Mom hats. For me, I've had 17 years of wearing that hat, and each year has removed a little more of me. Then those little pieces of me began to diminish even faster 9 years ago with my 2nd child. By the time my friendship blow up happened...I was lost. I didn't know how to be much beyond a mom. I had let so many of my own needs vanish or get pushed aside that I was miserable.
Even though I still struggle with some areas of oddity, a few areas have been revealing themselves bits and pieces at a time throughout several years. The woman side of me, has been giving me a few fits. I'm pretty low maintenance, overall. There are some areas that are more difficult for me than others, since some things aren't meant for everyone. I think it's pretty simple on a general woman's want list: to be respected, loved, to be shown the same care as she is giving out, to have romance and even be spoiled a little. I think knowing the woman in your life, from her favorite colors and flowers, to being able to see in her eyes the warring emotions...even if you don't know the exact reason, being there to talk about them without judgement, argue without being demeaning, and share an unbreakable bond of friendship. Allowing a relationship without fear of judgement or guilt trips, and being compassionate to allow your partner to not fear being vulnerable in front of you.
I'm sure there are so many areas that will continue to be learning experiences, but in my 43rd year on this Earth, I'm seeking happiness, fulfillment, compassion, and balance. Wishing you all a safe, healthy, and happy 2018!!!!
Sending love, Salli
