I have spent most of my life trying to be what everyone else thought I should be. Always chasing after the elusive "perfection," and being everything to everyone. Sadly, perfection to everyone, is one thing none of us will ever accomplish. Perfection to ourselves, is possible. Loving who we are, and accepting ourselves fully, is what our mission on this planet and i life,n life is all about.
This has been a struggle for me. I've always been small framed, but always struggled with being self-conscience about it. There were things I've not liked about myself or my body, since I was a child. I've heard my whole life that "it must be nice being so small," or "I don't even want to hear you complain about how you look." The thing is, I have ALWAYS struggle with it. I went through a phase of being told and telling myself that I didn't look right. I was either too thin or when I would gain weight, then I was chunky. Looking back now, I can't help but think others just had their insecurities so they had to break me down to feel better about themselves. What I see now, I was 5'2", maybe 90 lbs soaking wet; most of my high school years. I was small in stature, and when others would look at me...I was called all sorts of things from a pixie to a Barbie, or was told I looked anorexic. There were girls that didn't like me because I was small, guys were only interested in one thing through high school, and even as I went through my 20's and 30's...I still fought with other people's insecurities.
I spent my childhood being expected to be responsible all the time. My parents divorced when I was 13, and having to behave in a way that would give my younger siblings a good example to follow, was difficult to comprehend. Being the oldest, that was what was expected of me. By high school, I was resentful. (It's taken a lot of years to understand what I was truly feeling)I didn't want to have to be responsible all the time, I wanted to be a kid, but by then...I couldn't remember how. I held everyone involved responsible and blamed the adults in the situation. Even though I have always done things, to some degree, my own way, it was always drilled in my head to be responsible and set good examples.
I have spent the better part of 7 years, evaluating my life as a whole and areas that I have wanted to improve. I believe my darkest days are behind me. I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be. The thing is, I will always do my best and work hard towards what I want. I still have a love/hate relationship with my body, I still struggle to balance responsibility with going after what I want. I still battle demons no one will ever know about or understand. I still struggle with allowing other people's negative energies affect my own. The biggest step I have made in all these years, accepting that I am not a person to be boxed in. I have my own way of thinking, my own beliefs, my own thoughts, and even when I struggle with my physical appearance; I am learning to not accept each of these things as being part of who I am, but also that my own path in life is exactly where I am meant to be.
What's meant to be, will always find a way. When I keep focus on that, it's very true to form. The problem comes in when too many outside voices begin overriding my own. This has happened most of my life, but not anymore. Having my life shaken up the past 3 years has really helped me to regain my foundation. Life can be stressful and just plain evil at times. I'm learning to take it in stride, and attempt to find the purpose or lesson from each obstacle I encounter. Obviously, there will still be stress and outside voices that try to reign me back in, but I need to listen to my own voice. My own voice could have saved me a lot of grief through the years.
I am focusing on what matters the most to me. My family, even being just 4 of us, they are my world. I have been blessed to be home with my kids full-time for 18 years, even though this is causing me some grief at the moment. I know my children better than anyone else. They talk to me, share their dreams, fears, and goals. While we did not start out to be completely unconventional with their schooling, I would not change it now for the world. It makes my heart soar to see their eyes light up with new found skills and mastering new techniques. I love that they have been raised to trust their voice and their own energies. When I began understanding my own energy, and trusting it, it changed my life! Accepting who we are in all the good and bad, is freeing. Even with the roller coaster that has been ever present in my marriage, I know we love each other, and until we figure out the right path, we'll just plug along. Being together for 21 years and married for 20; that's a lot of years to just toss away, even when that would be the easy thing to do. My family is a family for life either way. When there are children involved, you no longer have the option of ever being just another statistic. It does not matter how old children get, they still need relationships with their parents.
As my own children grow, I'm learning to accept the change in roles. My own children have reached a phase of not needing constant attention and care. They are able to do some things on their own. It's a transition going from them needing care and attention constantly to not so much. My oldest is 18, he has 3 months remaining of his high school career. He is enrolled in college for gunsmithing and has begun a duel enrollment for this semester. He drives everywhere, works part-time and is such a large part of our family farm. My youngest has 4 months left of 4th grade(massive age gap), is quite a little whizz with science, math and technology. She loves animals and currently is wanting to be a veterinarian. When we can do our basic studies, and focus on their strengths, it truly is a magical world of truly loving to learn. Our family loves the farm life. We love our large gardens, our small livestock herd, our chickens, archery and firearms, we love hiking, and outdoor adventures. While our household is extremely conservative, we have intellectual conversations to look at the world through different eyes too. We respect the opinion of others even if we don't agree, and we know that our faith in a higher power is a priority. We have our evening meal together almost every night, and even if some of the conversations get heated, we all talk every evening. We make decisions as a family. Our farm, our finances, and any changes are made as a family.
My life as a whole is so far outside the box, that there are people that love to give me constant static. The thing is, our life works for us. As we get readjusted to our farm life again, we are moving forward with our goals as a family, and also as individuals. There are plenty of issues, but I believe trusting in our faith will guide us in the directions we need to be going. When decisions are too difficult we need to remember, when too much adds against you, you are on the wrong path.
So, today I am extremely grateful for the peace I feel and the direction we are going. We may not be where we want to be in our lives, but we are doing what we have to, to get where we want to be.
Wishing you all a grateful heart,
Salli
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