Silent Battles

 

So, it's been a juggling act lately. So much so, that I am feeling like I am sinking. For each step I attempt to move forward, 14 things show up and just drag me under. I know, many times, my own expectations and values are what cause me grief. On the other hand, I keep wondering how many times I can be everyone's "go-to," and yet always be the one that gets crapped on. I wonder how and why I should keep trying, when others don't seem to care if I am there or not. Some that I have literally put my own life and needs on hold for, some that I went against not only my better thoughts, but against my husband's thoughts, and yet...here I am. I am struggling to keep my head above water. 

I have never asked for much. Don't lie to me, don't abuse my trust, don't disrespect me or what I need to do. I don't trust easily and once it's broke, I will never fully trust you again. How do manage this with those you love? Some days, it feels like they are the ones that can hurt you the worst. This is where my own expectations come in to play. I have spent, quite literally now, focused solely on my kids. 25 years where my entire life was devoted to raising, teaching, loving and providing everything I could for my kids. I worked through some pretty hefty generational blocks, only to have them resurface. I battled through some severe health issues by me, but also by my kids, and had to unlearn everything I was told to was right - it was all wrong, for my kids. Only to have people that were never in my situation or dealt with what I did, decide to interfere in everything I tried to teach my kids so they could succeed without falling into major issues. None of that matters in today's world. There is no respect given to those with experience. I spent years jumping on trains and driving to the area I was raised in, nearly every time I was needed, even if I didn't have the money. I made a way, even if I had to borrow it. Then I stopped. Again, I was the bad guy. I put distance between everything that hurt me. I didn't want to become a cold and calloused person; that is just not who I am. However, each time I have left a door cracked, someone comes through it and blows it off the hinges. Then, I am expected to be there, and when I'm not...out come the guilt trips about everything I am not. I know I have a lot of flaws, but my heart is a good one. It has loved so many, and rarely gotten that love in return. 

I have never been a high maintenance or materialistic person. I really don't need much, but the time/love/attention. I struggle through surface conversations. I love deep, intellectual conversations that require thought. I love conversations that not only make me think, but that are also thought provoking. I love nature. There is so much to learn, know and to share about that. I had to learn so much for my kids, and that opened my eyes to it over the past 25 years. I don't demand respect, although I feel it should be given, you can't expect low vibrational people to give it. I expect truth, from anyone that is going to be close to me, and if I tell you something; I expect you not to spread that conversation to everyone. I don't do it others, and I hope for the same courtesy. While I know that life gets hectic, and my own experience of having days turn into weeks, I have come to understand that priorities are shifting too. They have been for decades. People use others for all they can until they no longer need you. Then you are a burden to every thing they do. Honestly, some days, I feel like shutting the world out and turning off the feelings that end up causing me to hurt. I was once very apt at that, but I don't want to go back to that, if I can avoid it. 

As I said, I have spent 25 years with my kids, managing their health, their education, listening through heartbreaks and injuries, through lost friendships and anger outbursts. I have done everything possible to teach and guide them. Always making sure they had a voice, could think for themselves, and understood the importance of family. We opened our home to their friends, and treated those kids as if they were our own. Some have even become honorary(adopted) kids. As kids grow, you start to see things a little different. I once believed that a "good" parent instilled good values into their kids, that a child's behavior was based on the involvement of parents, and that a family unit would grow not divide. I tried to teach my kids to be leaders not followers, and to make educated decisions. Many of my thoughts on children's behaviors and actions have changed. While I do believe that parental involvement is a big part of a child's growth, I am more inclined now, to think that those influences your children have, outside of your home, are just as impactful. Many times, its those outside influences that upend everything you have taught, until they realize the damage and destruction that has been caused. However, as a parent, your love is unconditional and you end spending more time praying. 

I am beginning to understand the many paths of our ancestors. I remember hearing so many stories from my grandmothers about life as they were growing up. My family was not a rich group, in terms of money, but they had love, faith and each other to get through. It was considered abnormal for multiple generations to not live together. This was in part due to the cost/economy, but it was also due to the importance of the family unit. There were always people around to help each other and build their own communities with. This was before the scam of multiple households/mortgages/daycare/etc. This was before divorce was normal, before people had a need to travel the world, and long before the "instant access" generations. This was the values I tried to instill into my own kids. They had a lot of time with one grandmother, that believed as I did, once she passed, those values changed for them and their Dad. For me, it has just broken my heart to see the distance and teachings be thrown away. The chipping away of those values, throughout the decades, has culminated to the mess we live in today. I believe those old values were still better than any today. Sure they worked hard, struggled and lived in close quarters, but the love, loyalty and family unit was worth its weight in gold. 

Each day, I find myself in deep thought anymore. Grieving a few things, missing a few others, and praying that someday, sanity returns to our world. I'm hopeful that I can accept and grow from the challenges that I silently battle. I pray everyday for my family unit; my husband, my kids, my "adopted" kids, our extended families and dear friends. I worry about each, even though logic tells me I shouldn't because it's not reciprocated. That is just who I am. 

Today, I will pray, also, for everyone that is dealing with silent battles they don't talk about. The ones that weight heavy on their hearts, that they battle through PTSD and those that just don't know where to start. I pray that God guides you and raises you up to see how valuable you are; to yourself and others. I pray that you find strength to overcome all adversities, all obstacles and negativity. I pray you all find peace within your heart and compassion within your sole. I pray that everyone sees their blessings and their lessons. I pray that God will hear my prayer and the unspoken prayers. Amen.

Coffee and Conversation

 

It's incredible that we are half way till Memorial Day already! Time is flying past me, and so much is being lost as I attempt to keep up. 

I have had so many thoughts that have weighed heavily on me this year. I spend a lot more quiet time than I have for a long time. I have realized that many people can only relate to subjects that interest them or that they understand. I once believed that communication was the key to all relationships, and I know know it's not that simple. There has to be a degree of comprehension and a desire to be empathetic/compassionate too. Going through life believing you know everything, putting yourself on a higher ground than others, and/or assuming you know best for everyone; that closes a lot of doors. There is plenty that I will never understand and I'm not capable of overriding my own beliefs to try to be compassionate about. I'm human...I have plenty of flaws. I've seen and heard a lot that I don't believe I could ever do or say but I've not seen the choices being offered to know how I would react. Herein  something I'm told does set me different. I do attempt to understand differing sides to a subject, even if I disagree. Again, another reason I have become more quiet. Being human, and very independent thinking means I usually have a not so nice way telling people they have "head up the a$$ syndrome." 

Since we just celebrated Mothers Day, it had me reflecting a lot. The one thing I always wanted was to be a mom. It has been my greatest reward but also, some heart breaks. I made sure my kids never had to worry about getting attention, wondering if they were loved, and did my best to show them that a mothers love is unconditional. In being a stay-at-home-mom, they never experienced having to truly fend for themselves. They knew how to do household chores, but was never required to do them or go without. They never had their mom working long hours, not able to plan for their birthdays/special occasions. They were given everything I had to give, even on the hardest of days. Kids do not come with instruction manuals and anyone that says otherwise is an idiot! Each of my kids have unique personalities, learning styles, and attitudes. I love my kids. The part that so many don't realize until later in life, is how difficult it is when your kids are grown. Maybe because I have spent 25 years with my kids full-time, now that they are grown, it's a big ole bag of mixed emotions. I trust how I have raised my kids, even if outside interference has made relationships rocky. We can all give advice, but the advice given is usually by people that don't have anything to lose. Unlike being a mom, when our kids suffer, we suffer. So, watching our kids make decisions, we pray God guides them because there are a lot of opinions that will steer them wrong! 

I've really had to bite my tongue for several years, as I have dealt with my own life changes. Things that once were important, aren't as important...but things that I once was content with, I'm not anymore. I've joked for years about being "low maintenance," but not "no maintenance." I do not require high priced anything, I'm not a fan of shopping, and I find beauty in the simplest of things. However, some days being low maintenance, feels like you're being forgotten. This goes from relationships to everything else. I don't require validation, recognition, or praise. I can cheer myself on, but once in a while it is nice to hear something positive from someone else. I know my life is quite boring compared to some, but there are things I love to share or conversations to talk through something or areas that interest me, would be so nice. Not having to compete with the television, the cell phones, or talking to people that actually are paying attention would be incredible. 

As I said, the things I have done for years, like household chores, has been a huge point of contention for years. A little back story to the method for my "madness." I had 2 kids with differing issues that required specialized cleaning/laundry, and required me to read every label and know triggers for allergies and skin issues. So, for years, rather than others learning how to do things or asking, it was just taken for granted I would just do all the cleaning, laundry and shopping. I did it because I had to. It was obvious there wasn't a magical cleaning/cooking fairy to help out. Through the years though, this became an excuse to not help at all. I constantly heard, "well, you have a certain way to do things and you'd get mad if they weren't done right." It wasn't a mattered of getting mad, it was a matter of trying to prevent major issues and no one was willing to actually learn to be able to help. Now, I am still expected to handle everything, although I am trying to teach my youngest(who had extreme allergies) to pay attention to everything. Sometimes, having the draw of what others are doing though, has been a learning experience of what not to do. It has been so challenging to try to teach both my children their limitations when others wanted to discard or go against my teaching. Now, as much as I hate it, I have had to allow some of their issues to be dealt with the way they are told is best, by others. The cleaning part, I've had to continue some things, because my own allergies have gotten worse the older I get. One thing that people have looked at me funny for is sweeping. I can not sweep with a broom. It puts too much dust/dander in the air. I use my vacuum with the extra filters, the wand for baseboards and at the ceiling and have had to purchase the special vacuum to be able to do it. I have to sweep no less than once a day. Laundry soaps all irritate our skin, even though I found one that is better...without having to constantly make a homemade soap. I can't regularly use chemical cleaners. All my cleaning is with vinegar, essential oils, peroxide and baking soda. I've been able to use a few cleaners lately, but I can't use them often and bleach is only when required. Obviously, this is healthier anyway, but it does require a learning curve. I will say this, life would be a lot easier if I could just live blissfully unaware!

 

I know I have seen other women my age talking about this phase of life, we are each dealing with, and the pet peeves that seem to have erupted through the surface. Things that have bothered me, are now things that send me into orbit now. Things that are apparently invisible to others...the over flowing trash can(let's just push the trash down and keep adding to it so the bag rips when you try to take it out!), the empty roll of toilet paper being left on the holder while a new roll is used and set somewhere else, the dishes no one can seem to see that need washed or put away, no one knowing where things go or are in a kitchen with all open shelving, everyone wanting to know "what's for supper," yet no one has any suggestions - EVER! For me, there are days when I hear, "well you are at home, can you do this, this and or this?" Sure, let me just add those to my daily list of cleaning, school work, laundry, and my own chores. Most of the time, it's not a big deal but some days...it's the straw that breaks the camels back. I can't tell you the last time I was actually asked about my day, and I had more than 2 minutes attention to actually talk through my day! This all may seem petty to some, but these are my thoughts. Having my kids being young adults now, has thrown in another monkey wrench. I have no idea what there is beyond being a full-time mom. For nearly 25 years, my days have been full of taking care of kids. Now,  my kids have very little time for me as they begin finding their way or as they find their own path. Sure, we raise our kids so they can spread their wings, I just didn't realize how lonely it would be when they didn't have time to visit with Mom. It's strange when I have 2 opposite ends of the spectrum. My kids are finding their own paths and my own parents are too busy to be able to visit with me. It's such a weird spot!

 

So, all that being said, I have been trying to figure out "what's next," for me. It took us relocating for a couple of years to find something that truly makes my heart full(next to being a mom). I was so blessed to get to find a way to work with veterans in a way that felt fulfilling. In 2017, I started to interact with veterans on a personal level. I was part of events that showed gratitude and offered events to further help them with their rehabilitation. It has been something that has been such an amazing opportunity. I have gotten to know so many incredible veterans through the last 8 years. I know I want to continue on this path, I'm just trying to work out how. Having the annual deer hunt, takes a year to get organized/paid for but I would like to be able to do more. I just have to figure out the logistics of how. Volunteering has been so rewarding and I will continue but I'd like to find something that I could earn a little too. We'll see where this line of thought takes me. 

I believe I will finish this blog for today. I just keep hoping for conversations with grit that don't leave me feeling empty and a mind that is less full of clutter!

A little morning chatter

 

Good morning! I thought this might be the best way to work through some thoughts, so I hope you'll indulge me in my chatter. What better expression than a couple of hens, especially since I am currently surrounded by hens and my pet rooster. 

Turning 50 was not a big deal to me, although it was in a sense. To me age is just a number. The big deal has been about 10 years of a battle within my head, of expectations I had for this stage of my life. There are so many memes that I can relate to anymore! "it's a good thing thought bubbles don't appear over my head," "I may not say a lot, but my face has subtitles." So many times, if anyone paid attention to my facial expressions...they would know exactly what I was thinking and likely NOT saying! I grew up "checking the boxes." Get good grades, graduate, get a degree, get married, have children, buy a house, yada, yada. Well, I can check all those boxes but the areas that challenge me know, are the ones I didn't. I have a degree that is completely useless since choosing to be a Mom, instead of juggling a career and motherhood has had me out of the job field for over 20 years. Any skills I had with that degree, are outdated. I can care for kids, run a household and farm, juggle 15 activities but know just enough technology to do bare minimum. I raised my kids to be productive members of society, to work hard, to put our family first, and be of good character. All so our family unit would stay attached in a world that is doing everything possible to destroy the family unit. Well, a lot of good that does, when society, technology and some with less character invade that inner circle. It's really difficult knowing you gave everything. So, now that my youngest is a young adult, I am asking what now?! I love the time with my kids, and honestly...that was better than any career could ever be! 

Having conversations with my husband lately has also revealed so pretty big divides. While I do believe difference help balance a relationship, it's a challenge to find middle ground with 2 very stubborn people. A lot of personalities for both of us, have been shaped by our upbringing and our experiences. My husband tends to be more hard lined, brutally blunt, and unforgiving. Once someone crosses him, he's done with them. I am just the opposite(mostly). I attempt to be more empathetic, compassionate and understanding. I will bite my tongue and tolerate a lot before I pull the plug. While there are some areas I wish I could be as cold and calloused as he can be, I'm just not. I give too many chances, and will get angry because someone/something has hurt me instead of showing the hurt. My daughter is constantly reminding me that "not everyone is like you mom." Even knowing this, doesn't help. 

It took me a lot of years to realize that my own expectations of others, caused a lot of hurt to myself. I expected people to pay attention to what I said, or know how to behave and that just was not the case. When you constantly have to repeat your thoughts, wishes, or your needs; and they are serially ignored, disrespected or not heard...you lose hope. Having to repeat yourself, makes you withdraw little by little until you no longer depend on anyone. This scenario is one I've gone through, in many areas, for about 10 years now. I've found myself withdrawing from area by area. Now, I am more quiet than not, and I don't feel the need to argue. The last few years have really been tough for someone who was once an outgoing person, for someone who always looked for the good in people, and maintained a thread of hope in the eye of a lot of negativity. The one thing I continually remind myself is that I am not a mean person, and I refuse to become so cold and uncaring that I withdraw even further than where I've been. 

I have decided to change some focus lately. I scaled back my vegetable garden, I am going to work on the landscaping to make it look the way I want it to - even though it's looking rough, I am going to build a few things this summer and see if that is still something I can enjoy, I'm growing some extra herbs and going to try my hand at that - it's never gone well before, and most importantly, I am giving myself some grace is areas that I am not doing well in. You see, getting constant negativity and degradation has not made me perfect, and while I have no desire to be perfect, I can learn to accept and respect myself. Sadly, this is an area that is lacking in education and has been for decades. While doing better for ourselves is a great goal, being happy with who we are in the moment should be applauded too. 

So, there you have it. My morning chatter. Now, I suppose I will go accomplish something productive. 

Be happy in who you are today, while you strive to be better tomorrow!