Reset

RESET
verb \(ˌ)rē-ˈset\

: to move (something) back to an original place or position

: to put (a broken bone) back in the correct position for healing

: to put (a gem) into a new piece of jewelry

There comes a point when you have to take some time to press that "reset" button on your life. A time when you need to re-evaluate the path you are currently on and see if it's the best path for you now. If you are on a path and run into some brick walls that are unmovable, you may need to find a way around them or choose a different path. If you are on a path that is working and you are accomplishing what you want to...you are probably on the right path.

In my life right now, I am thinking it's definitely time to hit the reset button. Since November 2013, I have felt disengaged from everything I have done for years. I have felt lost, restless, and beyond stressed. While I have learned recently that menopause is now apart of my everyday life for the next few years, I refuse to believe that everything I have been feeling is completely related to that. I am still trying to get to the bottom of all the emotional stuff I have experienced, but I really believe part of the overwhelming emotions I have dealt with are from feeling like I am being taken advantage of.

So, as I write in my journal and pinpoint the emotions, I am learning more about myself. Maybe this is what the Universe has put in front of me so I can learn more about me as I get older. In my life, I have had to reinvent myself more times than I care to count. Through different phases of my life, I have had to make changes to fit in the life I was living. Whether the life styles were my choice or not, I had to make each one work for me. Now, is no different.

15 years ago, I made the choice to marry a man who grew up and lived his life a whole lot different than I did. He grew up with farming, livestock, and living in the middle of nowhere. I grew up outside of town in neighborhoods. I had a Dad that grew up on a farm, and taught me about gardening...but I didn't do much with any of the farm stuff. I spent most of my time in town or in the nearby cities. My plans included living in a city, on my own, with my own career and life. When I made the choice to venture away from family, finish college, and have a life that was truly my own, I never imagined it would become a permanent change. Not to mention, the changes that would leave me feeling so inadequate. I never imagined that there would times I would feel so lonely. I never imagined being so far removed from life outside our home, that being in public would give me so much anxiety. I never imagined being terrified of driving, yet longing to go on vacations/trips away from here.

While I take great pride in being a low-maintenance person, I do miss some of the frilly things I once had. I miss a career of my own, I miss being independent and self-providing what I wanted, I miss have nice clothes that don't consist of jeans, I miss having a pair of shoes for every occasion, I miss attending ballets/musicals, I miss spontaneous trips, I miss packing a lunch in my backpack and hiking all day, I miss Winters in the city-ice skating, the German village, and the Christmas lights. I miss feeling like I am able to take on the world, and knowing that I could accomplish what I set out to.

I felt so much in control of my life, years ago. Even facing changes was just another quest to conquer. I lived for adventure, thrills, and new experiences. There wasn't too much that frightened me, let alone would cause me to falter on my goals. I knew what I wanted from life, and I was going after it, and no one was going to stand in my way. I wasn't afraid of confrontation, I wasn't afraid of voicing my opinions, and I didn't care what anyone thought or said of me.

Now, Every bit of that seems foreign. I have zero control of my life, I am terrified of changes, I can't seem to accomplish any of my goals, I have no idea where my life is going, I hate confrontation now, I don't voice my opinions so I can keep the peace, and although I still don't care what others think of me, I do spend more time concerned with keeping the rumor mill/gossip at a minimum where I am concerned. I don't have friends that are super close anymore, since I have pretty much withdrawn from everyone. It's hard to talk to friends that live so far away, and don't understand the life I live. I don't live an exciting life by most standards so quite often it's easier for them to forget about me unless I am back near my home town. I miss spending time with most of them, but it's hard to do living this far away. I would love to go for a weekend with a bunch of friends, just to spend time visiting, but I seem to always get a guilt trip for doing anything that doesn't involve family. Whether it's intentional or not, it still happens.

I hope to be able to press the reset button on my life, and start to find a new path soon. I need to reinvent myself, yet again, and find a way forward again. This stuff of taking 2 steps forward and 6 backwards, has got to stop. I know that I need to find my inner peace again and find a place that I feel balanced again. While I have no idea how, I know that I need to. I need to find my feet, and begin taking more steps forward than backward.

It's time to reset, re-balance, and find my feet. I hope to share my journey with you all, and maybe my own journey will help someone else with their personal journey.

Until next time...
Salli

Mid-life crisis? Not exactly!

Well, a few things have become apparent to me. I'm stressed beyond my coping ability, my transition from child-bearing years to maturity is in full swing, and I have no idea how to handle any of it! It's like being on a roller coaster, that won't stop! The up and down waves, racing as fast as possible and it just won't stop!

I keep seeing the little e-card thing that came through on my news feed on Facebook. The one that that said something about how a woman's mind thinks. It said a woman's mind is like have 24,??? tabs open on your computer all at the same time. While I just laughed this off when I read it, lately that couldn't be more accurate! So, once again I am turning to writing/journaling to not only release some stress but also to try to help myself understand and move back to some common ground that I can comprehend.

I know every woman has transitions they go through in life. Each of them has their own signs/symptoms. My personal transition has become the one from child-bearing years to maturity. I was young, 26 to be exact, when I had a run-in with cervical cancer. The doctors at the time said this would lead to early perimenopause. Of course, it did. Here I am, just a handful of months before my 40th birthday, and hormone levels now say I have reached menopause. What does this mean? Well, let me tell you. All the crazy feelings I have had since October - depressed, restless, feeling like I am stretched beyond my limits, crying at the drop of a hat, and that doesn't even begin to account for the changes to my physical body...it all makes more sense now. The horrible night sweats, moods changing like flipping a switch, my almost carnal urge for organization and even the weight I have gained; it is all my own way of handling and trying to deal with the hormone changes my body is going through. Those 24,000 tabs open on a computer don't have anything on me!

I have spent several months trying to anaylize all the emotions, feelings, and thoughts I have dealt with. To me, logic and anaylsis are how I deal with everything. It has to make sense, it has to have facts to back it up and it has to feel right...in my own head, before it can. When I can not make sense of something, it eats at me and becomes a major thorn in my side. I know all women go through this stage eventually, but I also know that some experience the symptoms differently than others. Honestly, it is very dependent on your stress levels, and your diet. I know if I was still being seen by a regular physician, my symptoms at this point would have them pushing for hormone replacement therapy, since what I am currently experiencing is considered severe. However, my holistic doctor has me looking to diet, exercise, and a stress management coping device to stave off/minimize the symptoms - NATURALLY! So, I am on a new adventure. One that I am having to spend some much needed time on myself. Time to readjust so much, and focus on my own health more than normal. While I am still working on the schematics of everything, I know what I need to do, for me. Of course, once again, it will not be the common way of dealing with things. I just don't believe in most of it, but what has worked in the past. For all women that have or are currently going through this transition period, You are not crazy! You aren't losing your edge, you are making a life changing transition. With some guidance, friendship, and attention on your own part; you will make it through all this a better and stronger woman!

As for the stage I am in currently, Overload, seems to fit perfectly! My mind has those 24,000 tabs open, the house phone stuck in one ear, the cell phone stuck in the other ear, 3 people placing constant demands on me, knowing that I am responsible for caring for those 3 people plus myself, not to mention the throngs of animals we have, you throw in some extended family, friends that you only hear from when they want something, a business, college, my children's education, finances, and remodeling...you have a woman who is not only on the brink of tears every day, what one that just wants to shut down and shut everyone out. Knowing that I can't do that, just adds to my stress. Trying to make sense of everything going on, the remarks that normally I would ignore that now snowball into fits of rage, seeing my temperament control rapidly slipping, my patience getting even shorter, my unfounded fears becoming more, and my overall self-control has flown out the window!

I would love to say that I am strong enough to get everything back under control, and at some point I may, but right now...not so much! Right now, I feel out of control, lost, restless, irritated, taken for granted, moody, fearful, annoyed, and overall just horrible! I am told this will all lessen when I get the advised changes made and that my hormones will level back out. I am certainly ready to get there! I am just going to have to be very conscientious of my spoken words, thoughts and actions until I can level everything out.

All this news has given me some hope that I may eventually feel normal again. I know some of my readers are experiencing some of these same things. I hope my journey, and sharing my own experiences will help others to understand and recognize their own symptoms. As I make my transition, I hope to share what I am doing to curb these crazy hormones and improve my own emotional state.

Until next time...
Salli