The hamster wheel of life

It's amazing to me how life can have so many possibilities, yet be stagnant at the same time. Have you every met and talked to some people, only to find that their personality hadn't changed much from many years ago? Or talked to someone only to feel like you've been drug down a rabbit hole, and you are waiting for some crazy type of creature to jump out yelling "you've been punked?" Speaking to people you've known for many years, yet you come to the realization that you really don't know them at all.

Life, as I see it, is full of amazing ups and some pretty drastic drops. When you take time to slow down enough, you see some amazing colors, rich cultures, and some spectacular views. You find some amazing people, and even if they are not meant to stay in your life, they are meant to show you something remarkable. You know the phrase: Friends for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you slow down just a little, you tend to see more beauty in the simple things, the simple expressions, and less in the material rhelm.

In my own life, I began slowing down some 18 years ago, when I moved to Missouri. Although I had some time of "sowing my wild oats," life was slower by nature. Then when I had kids, life slowed down again. I began seeming life through the eyes of my oldest, and then again with my youngest. Life took on a different meaning for me. Instead of feeling like I couldn't succeed without a high profile career, or a busy social life; life meant bedtime stories, playing basketball, playing on the swing set, putting together puzzles, or playing board games. Having a social life away from home, seemed pointless. Having a career again, would be nice, but would also take away from these 2 amazing little people that continually show me what's really important in life.

These last few years, I have felt like I was on that hamster wheel again - busy life, busy social life, studying like crazy, trying to make time for absolutely everything under the sun. I felt like I did when I left my life in Illinois to start over. Feeling like you are constantly chasing after the non-existent carrot on a string, running after it for all you are worth, and never catching it. Finding absolutely every flaw imaginable, and degrading yourself for every mistake; it brings you to an overwhelming low. Then there are those that are more than happy to pick you apart, shred every belief you have, and pick apart the life you have worked so hard to build. Even though they don't have a clue what has gone into the life you have built, and they don't have their own life in order. So many are happy to judge by what little they see on the surface. They don't take into account what has led to where you are in life.

For me, I packed up a life that I had grown up in. Loaded whatever would fit into a Dodge Omni, and took off! I was tired of games and the he said/she said crap. Even though it meant leaving behind a great relationship, it was overwhelming pressure of family, that had me looking for a fresh start and a place that no one new me. It had me pushing for a life that was my own. One that I could build, one that people would come to know me and accept me for me, and a place I could grow to become so much more than I ever was prior. For the first 2 years after I moved, my life was my own. No one knew what I was doing, no one was telling me how to run my life or what was or was not acceptable. I had to make choices and deal with consequences. Even when money got tight, I was exhausted from working and going to college, or the few times I got a little home sick; it was my life. I learned to love my own company, I worked hard, studied hard and yes, even played hard. I didn't have everything together, I was only 23/24 years old. I was enjoying life and learning from the rough spots. I eventually dated, but that was not ever a high priority during that time. I was trying to find myself. I did to some degree, but then things changed again. After a couple years, finishing college, and feeling ready to settle down; I was packed and ready to head back to my hometown. The night before I was to leave, I agreed to meet my now husband, for coffee after my shift. After talking until almost 5 the next morning, I decided to stay and see where it went. We had a lot in common, he was easy to talk to and seemed genuine. Fast forward, and 23 away from 16 years of marriage, multiple changes in both of us, 2 kids, and too many roller coaster dips and dives to count, and here I am.

What I did not know years ago, was that so many emotional times in 23 years I spent in my hometown, that were not dealt with, would be coming back to haunt me. Instead of dealing with many issues, I swept them under the rug for years, or neglected to handle them. I walked away from the issues when I left Illinois, thinking that they would just go away. That I could outrun them, I guess. I would never guess that they would come back up years later, that the overwhelming emotions from all those years ago would affect me more now than they did then. However, just as I did not deal with the issues of my life in Illinois, there have been issues in my life in Missouri that I have swept under the rug or chosen not to deal with. With so much unresolved, I have spent nearly 3 years in a daily struggle to do what is necessary and right, try not to take my own anger and resentments out on everyone, and to live the life I chose to the fullest. It becomes a daily struggle to just get through the day, let alone to do it without tears. When I left Illinois, I left behind all my family and friends that I had known forever. I left behind the only life style I had ever known. Yes, I built a life for myself in Missouri, but then I married a guy from here and had to start all over with a new life again. One that was so far removed from anything I had ever known, it sent my head spinning like a top!

I have spent so many years in a constant struggle for identity, that I don't know where to start now. I have melded into what I have thought was acceptable, what seemed to be the role I was expected to play, or one that would not embarrass my husband or kids. Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of who I was. Who I wanted to be, and became who I was expected to be. Now, 6 months after my 40th birthday, I am trying to find the real me again. I am trying to push aside the expectations and allow my own personality to flow again. I have so many areas that interest me, so many that hold my attention for a while, and some that are just a moment of interest. I have always been proud of my academic achievements. I finished high school with decent grades, graduated college with a degree, have since gone on to get a certificate, and working toward another. I have always loved history, science, and architecture. I can sit and draw floor plans or furniture plans in no time. Biology, marine biology, meta physics, quantum physics, astrology, astronomy and theology have always fascinated me, and I read and study everything I can! History is fascinating, as so many times throughout history...it's been repeated. History is such a broad subject of people, places and things. The history behind so many things and places, have never failed to catch my attention. With so much knowledge, so many interests, and so few with the same understanding; it has caused me to withdraw and feel like I must lower my conversations for some to understand. After doing this for so long, my ability to effectively communicate anymore is slipping away. I can carry on a conversation but to explain to some one that doesn't have a clue what I am talking about, is nearly impossible. Not to mention, those that are stuck in one train of thought and aren't willing to learn anything different. It's frustrating at best, and spirit sucking at worst.

I have caught myself asking my daughter: "why must you put on good clothes/shoes when we are going to be outside working." I have even given her static about being so "girlie." You know, I think if I listened to her, I would be much better off! Her thoughts are she's going to do what she has to and wants to, but she's going to look good and feel good while doing it! This theory, goes right along with the theory I used to have. Always get up, dress up, show up and have fun doing whatever you are doing. If you aren't having fun, you are doing the wrong thing. Maybe I need to pay more attention to my 6 year old's theory of life. A little girl with so much energy, a willing smile that lights up a room, and eyes that catch even the smallest of details. She's my little sponge!

There was a time in my life that I wouldn't leave the house without dressing nice, having my hair and makeup done to perfection, and I would enjoy whatever I was doing. Now, I never wear makeup anymore, my hair...HA! It gets piled on my head, and getting dressed up consists of second hand jeans covered in paint or stain, a garage sale shirt also covered in paint or stain, and occasionally, putting in earrings. Enjoying whatever I am doing now...is not as likely. Too much of my life now seems to be draining. It's become a constant battle of doing what I love, or paying bills. It's spending 95% of my life on 25 acres of ground, pushing my kids to do their chores - hoping they do them well enough, trying to teach them to love learning and not to fear questioning everything, struggling to find that is just for me to refuel and be able to keep going, being supportive of the hopes and dreams of my family - while pushing mine further to the back burner, and trying to find a peace of mind that will allow me to keep growing as person, without pushing everyone away. I love my life, but it too has become a hamster wheel of chasing that invisible carrot. There is so much I love about my life, but there are also the areas that keep me feeling upended. I know if I could conquer the old issues and finally let them go, it would make a big difference, but I'm not sure how to do that. I'm not sure how to push forward, burn bridges and not regret it later. I want to be around more people that I don't have to "dumb down," my conversation so they can understand it. I talk to my husband, and my best friend, but beyond that...I don't want to make anyone feel bad for not knowing what on earth I am talking about, but I don't want to have to explain every single point. I want to be around people that happy, intelligent, thought provoking and fun. However, so many seem to be stuck on this hamster wheel. So many sugar coat what they say, or beat around the bush, and so many are wearing blinders to anything outside the current rhelm of knowledge. They don't want to know any different, aren't willing to accept that there is something new or different, and they are more than happy to belittle you for your thoughts and beliefs instead of trying to understand what led you there. It seems like a culture that has given up learning, and trying to find something more; it's easier for some to just go with whatever mainstream tells them.

While I willingly admit there is A LOT that I do not know, it does not change what I do know. It does not take away the fact that I am willing to learn, even eager to learn. I am not afraid to question what doesn't make sense to me, I'm not afraid to research and change my opinion if real research proves my thoughts are wrong. I am not opposed to looking to history, or to alternatives for answers. I have looked for answers to thoughts, and found that my research leads to so much information I could not have guessed. I have had health issues, as have my whole family, that we have been able to control without prescriptions. After prescriptions failed to work, a change in diet and learning the triggers for each issue, we learned how to fix the problems. Having a wide range of health concerns within my family, it required learning a new way of life, it required understanding that modern medicine has a place but so does holistic health, it required accepting that there would be times for both. What I did not understand was how or why it would cause such a ruckus! Either way, we do what we need to for our family.

I'm learning so much from the life I live now. The old ways, the modern ways, the ways that work and the ones that don't. I have learned about equine, livestock, soil type, chemical use, organic soil preservation, how to fence, husbandry, gestation dates for all the animals, and even some of the not so good aspects - animal death, diseases of different animals, wildlife feasting on livestock, being rooted to the farm to care for animals even when there are other things you want to do, and of course, Mother Nature's ebb and flow. While there are some modern means that work fairly well, there are a lot of the antique ways that are still the tried and true. While there are many that feel the need to keep up with others, with the newest technology, or the biggest tractors; there are just as many that are stuck in a past that may work, or are the antique ways that are no longer a viable option, or are not willing to try anything newer. While I prefer not to use chemicals on our garden or in our animal feeds, there are plenty that find fault with that. I know that living 100% "organic," is not possible in today's world, but there is absolutely no reason I can think of not to do as much as I can to avoid as many chemicals as possible! There is no reason I can think of to not want the best for my family, that I can give them.

I have a constant need for education, learning, and expanding my mind to possibilities that seem impossible. There is so much research available, so many theories that have caught my attention, and the real science from independent research is amazing! In the United States, it seems that we have so many taboo subjects. When I have been researching, so much of the most beneficial research has come from the UK, Japan, France and Germany. Places that seem to accept a coexistence of the old and new ways, places that are not powered by corporate research but the real science of independent scientists that are willing to explore and expand on knowledge. Science is truly an amazing thing when it's done without bias, and reported with real and accurate results.

I am trying to move beyond the issues that seem to weigh me down, and the ones that I have had to deal with on my own. I am trying to understand the triggers of those issues to avoid letting them take hold, yet again. I am trying to find others to connect with that will help me grow in mind, body and spirit; without them belittling me, treating me poorly, or using me as a gossip piece. Finding authentic people is truly a challenge when everyone is looking to climb a ladder with no concern who they step on, on the way up.

The ladder of success means something different for everyone, as does the meaning of success. While more and more are becoming driven my financial success, or career success; there are still a few that measure success by their happiness. For me, there seems to be a need for a middle ground. We all know the world operates on money. Even as pathetic as it is. You can't really live without some sort of income. However, my theory is this: If you find a career/job that makes your happy, allows you an income; you have succeeded! You may not have everything you want, or enough money in the bank to take a month long vacation, but you are successful. When you love what you are doing, you will never work a day in your life.

There are so many directions I could go, to be doing something I love for the rest of my life, it is difficult to take that first step. Between the nay sayers, the socially acceptable roles, the fear of failure, and even the initial investments; it can be overwhelming. I know that in different parts of our country there are different theories. There are areas that everyone is open to possibilities, there are others that are definitely not! There are roles; whether gender, age, or social class that limit what "is acceptable." For me, I love to work with my hands. Whether that consists of building furniture or a house, that is what gives me peace! Even when I get frustrated at a design flaw, I am happiest when I am building or designing something. Bringing new life to something old, building something completely new, or redesigning a layout to make it functionable; that gets my creativity flowing. Those types of things allow me to express myself. I'm not an artist in the way of drawing priceless art, but give me some lumber and I can build anything!

It's time for me to find my intellectual equals, to find those that aren't so bogged down by following what is considered mainstream and is willing to think and question for themselves. It's time for me to burn the bridges of those stuck in a mundane and unfulfilling life. Those that are so blinded they can't accept the possibilities of what may be, or just the mindset to be willing to consider it. I have too many people in my life that are more than happy to keep on the blinders and bash something they know nothing about. It's time to filter them out, and filter in those people that raise my own vibrations with a healthy and happy mind, body and spirit.

Stepping off the hamster wheel of life!
~Salli~

June 1st Coffee Chat

It's June 1st and just 20 days from the official start to Summer. Around here, the weather has been very temperamental. Some beautiful days but mostly rainy and cool days. A lot of the normals, as far as temperatures, has been way off. It's been a cool, wet Spring for us. Not good for gardens, that's for sure!

As I begin a new month, I am going through some of my thoughts and journals from May. There seems to be a whirlwind of thoughts I could write about, but I'm going to attempt to keep this from taking hours to read! :) Here we go!

Looking through my records for the previous month, has brought me to some serious thoughts this morning. We had a promotion party for our kids this last weekend. We always enjoy having get together's at our home. There is usually plenty of food, and bonfires. With the rainy Spring we've had, we didn't get to have a bonfire this weekend. It was disappointing for me, but I don't enjoy sitting in rain. It still feels like we left part of our party out. It was cold and rainy, but the ones that came out were good spirits and tried to enjoy themselves despite it. We got to laughing about the change in crowd for this gathering. This crowd was older, more mature and honestly...more our speed. There were not a bunch of people our age, but we still had a great time. This crowd didn't need the "party" atmosphere, they still remembered how to visit, and communicate. It was great! There weren't cell phones going off, or constant text messages or internet used. You all know how much of a pet peeve that is for me!

I spent a short time visiting with my Dad Friday before the party. I guess knowing a few more details of his life helped some, but still has me a little uneasy. I also got to see a couple of friends, also going through a divorce, Saturday. That situation also leaves me in a difficult predicament. I don't like to be put in the middle of situations, even though it seems that for whatever reason, I am put there by most people I know. Everyone turns to me when they need to talk/vent. I am glad to listen, and I will put in my two cents usually, but sometimes it's very difficult to keep my mouth filter in check. Too many times, it's easy to see situations from the outside and those that turn to me to talk, don't like the "outsider" point of view. So, even though I have plenty of thoughts of my own, I try to keep them to myself. That tends to make me bite my tongue...and let me tell you, my tongue is getting mighty sore!

I know I am not an easy person to deal with/put up with/ and sometimes even to talk with. I have very strong opinions, very strong beliefs, and very strong emotions; even if I do not ever show them. I believe in being fair, making sure that kids are treated right, and understanding that there are 2 sides to every story. However, there comes a point in time, and with every story, you have to read between the lines and see the grey area that exists. There is rarely a time that everything appears in black or white. Then when you have to read between the lines and piece together the real story, with 2 opposing stories only being one sided, it becomes pretty clear. For me, I have learned to read body language, almost too well. I can see so much more just by watching the behavior of people. Sometimes, it's really annoying to know there is so much not being said, even though I am told snippets of information. I don't make judgements, that's not my job. However, I don't like the B.S. of he said/she said, the vague blanket statements, or people who beat around the bush. To me that is just immaturity and behaving childishly.

I have struggled with keeping my mouth in check for a long time. Too many times, the thoughts that pop into my head, spill out of my mouth. The past couple of months, I have spent more time listening, and observing. You know what I have noticed? Logic and common sense, are a lost art! Too many are only looking for themselves, and they don't care who they step on or hurt along the way. Too many have taken on the attitude of being better than everyone else. Too many have forgotten how to think with their heads instead of hearts. People have placed material items, above everything else. People have forgotten how to think logically when it comes to finance, dealing with other people's emotions, and friendships have become expendable. Loyalty, logic and common sense have flown right out the window! I have struggled with keeping quiet, when I really want speak my mind. Too many of those I do speak with, are happy to tell me to mind my own business, or butt out...even though they come to me to talk. That's fine, and I will. However, when I am told about things, and being an outsider gives me an objective view, please don't get upset when I share my thoughts. If that is what is going to happen, then I would prefer not to be involved in the conversation.

I am struggling to do the right thing for myself and my family, especially when it doesn't always coincide with my beliefs. I work hard to do what is best for us as a family unit. Lately, this has included stepping back, biting my tongue and accepting that some outside opinions are going to be hurtful and even anger me. I work hard to keep our household running as smoothly as possible...which is a daily struggle. I try to keep up with our extended families, although that is not always easy, and sometimes causes more stress than I want to deal with. I get upset when I do what I feel is best only to be second guessed, but someone that doesn't know what goes on under our roof. Unfortunately, each of us has our own lives, and unless you live under the same roof, you can't know all that goes on...as much as some would like to believe otherwise. I am a stubborn person, at best, and I will withdraw from people that make me feel less of person, in a heartbeat! I can tell you, I am withdrawing from a lot of people. I can not handle those that are sucking my energy, those that are using me or those that feel superior. I am an educated, intelligent and caring person; those that truly know me know this. They know I am stubborn, opinionated, loyal, trustworthy, and will defend those that share the same qualities, to the end. However, as the saying goes, "if you are going to play games, I will show you how they are played." I don't like games, but I am competitive, and I don't like to lose!

I think starting a new month, with a full moon none-the-less, has helped me refresh my spirit. Even with a lot of B.S. going on, I am truly hopeful for a good Summer, and a good month. I am thrilled to be able to get into the garden and do some grounding work. I am excited for several projects, and possible upcoming projects too. Even with the a bit of heaviness on my heart, that I'm not sure what to make of, I know it's time for some renewal in my life. Taking time for daily yoga and exercise, still struggling to eliminate smoking from my life, refocusing on eating real foods, and getting finances back on track; I feel refreshed or rejuvenated if you will. There are many areas that will take work, and will-power, a few areas that will make me focus again, and even some areas that I have to learn to just let go of. I can't change the world, but I can change my world. I can do the best I can with what I have to work with, and relearn how to go with the flow.

With so many judgments or rumors that fly about everyone anymore, I can't help but wonder how many would stop if people focused on their lives instead of others. Instead of people readily tearing a person down, if we could just give them a hand up. Instead of everyone being busy bodies, and getting involved in lives they have no business being in, how their own life would improve. You know, it seems to me, everyone is trying to save something. Yet, those trying to save things, are the ones that have lives that need attention. All I can say is: Don't judge someone else's skeletons unless you have none in your own closet. Even if you may not agree with a life someone is living, I guarantee you are not perfect and have zero right to judge someone else!

As I begin this month, and refocusing on what I need and want for my life, I am changing what I need to. I am changing my focus and ignoring the outside noise of opinion that don't matter. I am really good at keeping my family first, and they will continue to come first. Everyone outside of my home, will fall in behind. I have let a lot of my wants and needs fall by the wayside, and have allowed negative attitudes affect me too much. I am me in all the good, bad and ugly. If you want to be around me, you have to accept all of me.

I have heard so many times over the last few days, "it is what it is." I have said this as a blanket statement to keep my opinions to myself. Honestly, when I have said this, it's usually to hide my own opinions or emotions. It's usually a way to avoid a confrontation, argument, or to keep a conflicting opinion to myself. I absolutely hate that phrase...with a passion! It is such a stupid phrase that basically says, yep there's an issue, and even though you know about it, I don't want to tell you anymore. It's a pathetic excuse to get a pity party. I am guilty of using it, but I can't count how many times I heard that phrase the last 4 days. Rather than spilling the story, or speaking real thoughts; this phrase comes up. "It is what it is," I want to tell you part of the story but not all of it. I want you know about story, but I am not going to tell you all the story. It seems to be a crutch that is used to mask over the complete story, the real emotion, and yet they want you to at least get part of the story. I have heard this phrase, and cringe at it. Then you get part of the story, only to be an outsider and see how others are manipulating different situations. It's becoming more difficult to keep my thoughts to myself on a few that I am seeing.

Watching our garden come alive so far, I am finding a sense of completeness, that I haven't felt for awhile. I am seeing the work and designing I spent months working on, come to fruition. Seeds have popped up through the dirt, plants have tripled in size, and the effort to condense 3 gardens into 1; has worked...sort of. For me, working the layout of the garden, planning for seeds and plants, and then actually making the hills, planting seeds and plants; that is a labor of love for me. I know that by working with the garden, I am doing what I can to make sure my family is getting the best food possible. It's also a leap of faith, having to depend on Mother Nature and learning how to work with soil types; it's fascinating. It's also frustrating. It's difficult to know the best time to start planting, to avoid frost. It's difficult to have to keep the weeds from taking over, and the hours of preserving is nothing short of work. However, in the middle of Winter, when you pull a jar from the pantry or a bag from the freezer, the work pays off. It's those hours of work and sweat, those days of digging dirt from under my nails, the multiple sunburns from spending days in the garden weeding, the hours of washing and sterilizing the jars; it's a true labor of love, a full-time job for part of the year, and for me, it's a time of connecting with the earth and allowing my own electromagnetic field to be re-energized through grounding. Gardening is good for the mind, body and spirit.

Last week, I spent some time out and about. This is not a usual thing for me. Usually, I get out long enough to get groceries once or twice a month and the rest of the time I am home. Last week, I was actually out, twice. I went to the town we used to live in for the first time in months. I was kind of amazed how a few things had changed. Then a trip to our regular grocery store the next day, in a different town. My regular grocery trip, I was actually alone, for the first time in a long time. I kept the radio off, and rather enjoyed the quiet. I was able to drive and still see how beautiful the area we live in, really is. Seeing quail running on the side of the road, rabbits zig-zagging all over, wetland areas full of ducks and geese, and actually seeing the trees all leaved out. Driving to the store, I decided to take back roads, I don't normally. Even though I ended up having to take a detour because of a road closure, I saw some magnificent sights. The peaceful trip, the sights, and even the shopping experience wasn't as bad as normal. I had to actually slow down, taking the back roads. I had to pay attention and be present in my trip. I let go of anxiety that was getting under my skin and just be.

It's hay season in our neck of the woods again. That means long nights, lots of equipment shuffled around, mowing, raking, baling, and attempting to sell the extra bales we won't need. In my mind, it's a headache and a cluster. You put in the time to check hay throughout May, then you have the mowing, letting it dry, raking, the cost of fuel for the tractors, the twine/net wrap for the bales, baling, and then the headache of selling off the excess. Last year, we had about 60 bales of excess. In my mind, if you know you will need hay for the Winter, it makes more sense to plan ahead. However, too many have neglected to think about the time and money that goes into it, and think they can buy hay for little of nothing. Last year, rather than sell our excess for the $20-$25 a bale that the auction was getting, we sat on in, thinking that maybe one of our neighbors would need it. Total waste of time, money, effort, and space! This year, we contacted a hay broker. Talk about a cluster! For those who don't know, for us, having hay that we put up ourselves, costs about $20 per bale. That is time, the twine to wrap it, the fuel and maintenance. So for us to turn around and sell hay for $25 per bale, just barely gives us any profit to put forward to maintaining our equipment let alone to upgrade equipment. I suppose if we had hundreds of acres, it may make a difference, but we don't. By not being able to sell last years excess, that knocked out a chunk of profit that, normally would have helped recover other expenses on our little farm. The idea of a hay broker, was to cut out some expense of haying, while still being able to maintain some profit to our farm. However, when I started thinking about their terms, it kind of riled me a bit. We still had to mow and rake our hay, then HIRE someone to come in with a big square baler at our expense, and then the broker would pay us per ton of hay. Here's the kicker though. It had to be mowed today, and baled before it got wet, or the already pathetic price was dropped more. With our wet Spring, everything is still wet. The ground, the hay, EVERYTHING. To go out and mow, rake and bale, right now; would rut up the hay ground. Not to mention having to make sure whomever we had hired to come out and bale would be here before it rained actually got here. If not, and we had to take the lower amount per bale, our profit would be exactly what it would be if we sold it at an auction for $25-$30 per bale. It's a headache, I tell ya!

This whole farm life thing, while I love most of it, some of it just sends me into instant anxiety! When you can see your profit window, cutting into the whole of the farm and expenses, it's frustrating. For me, I don't like the not knowing what I have to work with. I like having a plan, knowing what our finances will look like - has not been an easy task since we began this adventure. I don't like juggling finances when markets fluctuate, or as in last year, when we can't eliminate excess to cover the basic financial needs of the farm. I am a notorious planner/list maker. I can not feel organized when so much is up in the air. It is a constant effort for me just to make our regular finances work, before having to throw in any overages of the farm. We you have a small farm, it's a constant battle to stay afloat. It becomes a constant battle of creative budgeting, juggling life to make it all work, and for me - stressing over making everything work, and the anxiety of attempting to make the best choices. I have, admittedly, made some poor choices and am still trying to learn the ropes. I have struggled to try to understand how everything works, and make sense of many areas in my own mind. Sometimes, I think I would like to start fresh, a do-over. Have a chance to make better decisions, and choices so that it would not be such a juggling act. However, I can't do that, so I am learning on the fly. Making mistakes, and dealing with the consequences as I have to, trying to learn everything I can without having too many more mistakes. I know there are some out there who farm, and I hear on a regular basis, that I have to learn to deal with the ups and downs of farm life. That's swell. I am learning, but in my mind, I have to find logic or it will never make sense.

I love our life, even if regularly full of anxiety for me. I am trying to learn the ebb and flow of the livestock markets, hay markets, and Mother Nature's serious bi-polar condition. I have spent almost 16 years now, learning about country life in Northern Missouri. I have made changes to fit into this life, to learn areas that go against everything I ever knew, and I have given up more of myself than anyone will ever know. I've adjusted, the best I can to areas of our life that are not where I want them to be, or areas that have been thrown in my lap. I have accepted that my place is being a mom, wife, teacher, counselor, naturalist, and being there to support other hopes, dreams, and desires. I have accepted that my beliefs are a lot different than most, and because of that I will always be looked down upon. I have also accepted that there are times that no matter what you do, it will never be good enough or accepted.

I suppose I will use the blanket approach, it is what it is. I do what I can, and that's all I can do. I can't force anyone to respect me, I can't force anyone to see things from point of view, and I can't expect anyone else to understand or accept how my life has to work. I don't want deal with a bunch of bull, I don't deal with liars, thieves or cheats. I don't want a bunch of drama thrown into my life, let alone to hear about it. I like logic, honesty, loyalty, respect, and caring in my world. I give it, and I want it in return.

I will end this coffee chat here. I am a little too frustrated to keep going today.
~S~