Detour

We all know that life can sometimes, take on a life of it's own. We have plans for what we want, where we want to go, and so forth. However, sometimes, the universe has to give us a few detours to give us lessons for the journey. We meet people in our travels that cross our paths for a reason. We experience difficulties to teach us our strengths as we move forward. We experience loss, to learn the strengths.

Occasionally, we have what I call a "light bulb moment." It's a moment when you can see clearly; even in the clustered chaos of life. For some it may come to them while driving, working or out collecting eggs. For me, it's usually at the weirdest or most inconvenient of times. It's a moment that allows you to see clearly, even if it's only a moment. It can give you the strength to keeping going, the ability to cope with an upset, or can allow you to see several areas of life that just aren't working.

For the past 16 months, my journey has taken on a life of its own. There have been many tears shed, more lonely moments than I can remember ever having, more stress and strained relations than ever, and being a realist...some depression. A massive decision to uproot our family, to find a better paying job with more growth possibilities; turned into a major undoing, and a continual stress.

A year ago, my husband began his new job, while the kids and I stayed back to pack and try to get the farm sold. While that was tough, and a roller coaster of emotion, for me...it was all of that plus being freeing. It was a reminder of my own strength, convictions, and abilities. It was the reminder that there isn't anything I can't do, and fear is a road bump not a mountain. You see, for 16 1/2 years, I have been a stay-at-home-mom. My entire life/world revolves around my children, husband and home. If you notice, my own personal being is not in that list. That was my first "light bulb."

During the 3 months of living at separate ends of the state, I learned that I could handle life, kids, farm, and even a few fun things. However, my priorities did not include anything that would cause me grief, negativity, or headaches. Being the the "be all," for those 3 months, took every ounce of my energy. The grocery trips, dog food runs, and a few little fun things meant even reserve energy was drained. Then you throw in trying to be the agent for selling our house, juggling 2 households finances, and the steady stream of gossip...it got overwhelming, a lot. You know what? I DID IT! The only area that I did not have to worry about, was the employment end.

Then we decided that we just knew our house would sell, so we would temporarily stay in our camper. DUMB MOVE!!! First of all, they may be great for some, but never again for me!!! Too small, too constrictive, and later you will hear this again but living in a tin can, is NOT for me!!! Storms or wind caused me to feel sea sick, there wasn't enough room to do anything! We managed to pull it off for 6 months, but it will never happen again. We did manage some great memories during those six months, but that is no way for a family to live.

By the end of those 6 months, we were all bickering and bitching. We were stuck on top of each other. The kids couldn't play inside or out, we were living in a sardine can on wheels, still waiting for the damned house to sell. My marriage was rocky, my children were arguing all the time(something that was not normal for them), I was becoming more and more depressed and withdrawn from everyone and everything. We were able to find a little bigger sardine can in the form of a trailer house to rent. Sure it's nice but it's still a can on wheels, very small for our family, we still have belongings scattered from one end of the state to the other, and still have not sold the damned house. We are still paying on two houses, two sets of utilities, insurance and storage for what we did move...but won't fit in this rental sardine can. So, with over $2000 each month for 12 months, going out to cover 2 locations...the finances suck, the savings is drained, my need for some sort of control is teetering on the edge, and the strain is about to a breaking point. I'm still doing everything, aside from taking care of livestock and dogs...neither are here yet...at least not on our own property. I still cook 3 meals a day, do the dishes most of the time, do laundry, pay the bills, juggling the budget, make the menu and plan the grocery lists, deal with the realtor, deal with the bank that has our mortgage, take care of schedules for everything here, teach my kids, and now take care of most of the pool cleaning. There is one path we have crossed that has been a huge reminder of my own abilities. Working with a great foundation for wounded veterans, led by a Purple Heart recipient Veteran. That has been such an eye opener for me. Not only for the great things being done for great and deserving veterans, but for my own reminder of what I'm capable of, outside of being a Mom.


Folks, I'm a strong person, but I'm tired! For more years than I care to count, I've fought to be everything to everyone. The good wife, good mom, good daughter, sister, friend; but no where in there was I good to myself! Every ounce of energy I have given, has been given to others. I stress and worry about family and friends; only to realize many only need me when they need me and can't be bothered when I needed someone. Then there are a few that were more than happy to discuss me without me being present, and that was just a reminder that I need to follow my instincts when I wasn't comfortable around people. You know, I have put up with so much crap, out of so many people, for long enough.

I may not always say the appropriate things, or I may have days when I do not want to deal with people, but I am not a bad person. I am strong, independent, loyal to a fault, honest, driven and very head strong. The past 16 months have knocked me down, no doubt. The past 20 years have been lessons learned and now it's time to narrow my circle. As my grandmother used to say, circle the wagons. My circle gets smaller all the time, but those who are left, will never doubt my love, appreciation, gratitude and loyalty to them!

This detour, has had many curves, dips and dives, and tons of loneliness; but I have learned so much. While I may have times I struggle; you won't see me give up, or lay down without a fight! Although loneliness is something that is real and can be felt alone or in a room full of people; it's not always bad to have time to hear your thoughts. However, being lonely is truly a tough feeling. It's hard to get through.

As the song goes, "If you're going through hell, keep on going, don't look back. If you're scared don't show it. You might get out before the devil even knows you're there."
Back to my crazy adventure.
Salli

Coffee Chat

Some times I just feel a need to get write. I'm sure there are others out there that are more educated and more grammar/politically correct; but I suppose it is what it is. For a while now, my brain and my heart have been littered with thoughts. Some of them are fleeting but I try to honor my feelings. We all have them, and for me, they fester until I acknowledge them.

I am a firm believer that we are all energy beings. We have our own energies, auras and vibrations. I also believe anyone willing to truly pay attention, can feel these. For me, it's more of a gut feeling or instinct, when I'm around other people/emotions. When around other people, you can pick up on their energy. Have you ever noticed that certain people constantly bring you down? I call those people energy vampires. Their energy or vibes, are negative or draining. You have some that are a source of happiness; and some are even neutral. It's those energy vampires you have to watch. At times, they do not even realize the vibrations they emit. They are negative, gloomy, constantly complaining, and at times, they just put out that dark aura that screams, "back off!"

I have faced so many of those energy vampires in my life! Without an escape from them, they bring you to their level. Many times, after years of having your own energy drained constantly, you lose yourself. Instead of being who you know you are, you tame yourself or water yourself down to fit the mold others have thought to be "appropriate."

Now, we can place blame. I mean, it easy to blame someone else for mistakes, lessons learned, or to some degree, even who we have become. The truth of the matter is, there is simple only one place to point a finger of blame. At some point, we all must grow up. We all must accept responsibility for our actions, admit to our mistakes, learn from those mistakes, and make a positive change for our own being.

Sure we can blame our upbringing for how we begin our lives, but it's our own choice as to the directions we go. We can blame society and it's ignorance, but then we have the entitlement/welfare mentality. OR, we can take responsibility. We can say, "yes, I was raised this way, but I CHOOSE to go a different path." Too many have used their upbringing as a crutch, an excuse, for not being responsible, productive members of society.

It would be so easy for me to say, "I was raised in a strict household, a divided home(divorced parents), so I blame my parents for my life. I blame them for my own shortcomings." Well guess what?! If I don't like the path I am traveling...THAT IS ON MY SHOULDERS! I'm an adult. That means, every decision I make, right or wrong, is mine. Not theirs. Sure, their constant bickering, their childish games, and their hatred towards each other; did play hell on me until I was old enough to understand that there is always 2 sides to every coin. It takes 2 people to make or break a marriage; and it takes 2 people to do what is right to raise balanced children in a divorce situation. You know, we all make mistakes though. Parenting does not come with a handbook, marriage is not a guarantee of forever, and you can not grow until you are willing to accept the mistakes made.

Now, in my own life, everything isn't sunshine, roses and rainbows. Hell, I'm pretty sure it's a struggle just to get through each day without pissing off anyone I talk to. I don't like games being played. Period! I will be honest to the best of my knowledge, I try not to judge others, I recognize that every story has 2 sides, I try to remain as neutral as possible when I'm thrown into something, BUT I will only tolerate so much bull, before I will cut you out of my life.

The past week has been a little odd for me. Talking earlier about energy shifts, has been a first hand experience. It's been a lot of years since I was able to shut down emotions, or to feel ice in my veins. Until the past 9 months, I have always had a means for balancing out those extreme emotions. Whether it be a hike, grounding in dirt, dancing, or whatever, I could calm those emotions, balance them enough to get through to solid ground again. The past 7 days, I've felt that shift. I have felt that ice again. However, rather than balancing it, or making excuses for it; I want to fix it.

I have become someone I don't know well. My heart has dreams and passions that have been ignored for years. My mind is in a constant state of motion. I struggle each day to see the forest through the trees. Sure, there are good days. There are days I think, I can make everything work. I can find balance and peace, while still being true to who I am. However, I have always been just enough of a believer in fairy tales, that I thought if I could just be this way or that way...it would make everything better. To some degree it does. It makes everyone else happy when you fit their image of who they believe you should be. It does nothing but cause you to be resentful. In my case, I have tried to be everything to everyone. I have watered down my own personality to fit a mold that I thought was acceptable in a life I chose.

By watering ourselves down, we are draining our own life vibrations. We become despondent. We lose our self-esteem, we lose our worth, value and eventually it plays into our health. By settling for less than you want, you are telling yourself you aren't worth more. In return, you are also telling those around you, that you aren't worth more. Guess what, you are!

Too many times we settle. We settle for a job that doesn't offer what we know we are worth, we settle for relationships that may be comfortable but lack what we want/need, we settle on so much! After many areas of settling, we begin to lose our own worth. We begin picking up unnecessary emotions; fear, anger, restlessness, resentment;just to name a few.

I've watched and listened to so many stories of people who quit settling. Some have changed jobs after years, some have changed relationships/divorced, some have sold their homes and moved hundreds of miles away. Yet, so many continue settling. So many fear grabbing their wants/needs/desires, by the horns, and making the change they need.

Growing up, I was told fairy tales. I loved them, and all the princess movies and Barbie stuff. You know, I believe that sets up an impossible goal for young girls. Many girls growing up when I did, dreamed of their wedding day, having kids; you know the whole white picket fence/2 kids crap. I don't think girls should be brought up that way. I think we need to teach our girls independence, self worth, finding their own beauty without some impossible role of being like a Barbie. Our girls need to know they are whole, ALL ON THEIR OWN. They do not need a man to be complete, but when they find a man that is willing to treat them with respect, they can be an addition to their already complete self. Too many girls are in a rush to be married, I was. They think a man can make them better or complete. That's just a complete lie that has been continued through generations. Unless you find someone that compliments who you already are, you asking for more stress, and less balance. Just as men need to find their own balance, and not worry about find the "right one," they need to be themselves and the "right one" will gravitate towards them. We have lost so much respect, worth and values in the antiquity thought of fairy tales.

I suppose as my coffee gets cold writing this morning, I will end here. I have so many thoughts that attempting to talk about them would require someone to pay very close attention. Maybe someday, I will be able to get them all out.

Salli