Coffee Chat

Welcome beautiful September! Fall is such an amazing time. To see the magic of nature throughout each season is impressive. Fall has always been a favorite season of mine. I love the changing leaves, the cooler temperatures, and even the shorter days. For more than a year now, I've worked hard to appreciate each season, and each new adventure my life has taken. It's been a huge struggle for me. I'm more of a creature of habit. I like routine, with minor surprises. I like my own space as much as I crave interactions.

This coffee chat is met with some pretty mixed emotions and feelings. We have officially been in our new location for a year. We are still trying to sell our house and remove the stress that has entailed with it. We have began building our lives here and had some pretty remarkable relationships formed. However, there have been some areas that are putting a hitch in truly moving on.

Sometimes, it's a positive stress that helps keep things moving forward. Other times, it the negative stress that is so unbearably heavy that it heavy enough to put pressure on other areas and cause them to break. I believe that is the position I'm in. With so many areas still unresolved, each piece of negative pressure is finding every crack in every area, and the whole foundation is ready to crumble. While I've really tried to do the right thing, take the high road, and stay positive; I'm human. I am not perfect and quite frankly, I'm freaking tired of it all.

I have struggled for so many years with some areas, that I just don't want to do it anymore. I want to be happy. I want to watch my life progress on the path that feels right. I want to grow and learn from new experiences and I want to succeed in my goals. I will be back on a farm, with our livestock, and have the homestead that I've achieved before. I am not a town kid, and I'm not content with living as we have the past year. Paying house payments and 2 sets of utilities; has been a financial burden that has negatively impacted so many other areas. I'm done with this too.

When this transition began, I gave it 1 year. After 1 year, I was going to re-evaluate everything, and decide what how to progress. Well, we are at the official 1 year mark. I'm still evaluating, but I can tell you, being here has opened my eyes to so much. A year can change so much. I've struggled with this change. I was not prepared for all the changes, as I thought I was, but I've adapted. I was not prepared for the headache of paying for 2 locations, for over a year. I was not prepared for the emotional toll of making this transition. I was not prepared for toll it would take on me, at all.

There have been so many positive changes in the past year. I've met some great people, been given a remarkable opportunity to help Veterans, I've been able to find the person I am and appreciate her. I've managed to find my way around the area we live in, and even found some great locations. I've managed to make each new situation work to the best it could. The kids have been so resilient in all this. They have grown both physically and mentally, and they are so happy.

So, even though there are some pretty major issues, still, overall life is pretty good. I don't ever expect people to change, that's unrealistic. I do hope that people will grow and become better people. I know I work everyday to become a better person, learn everything I can, grow spiritually, and I'm finally happy with the person I am today. I know there are bad areas, I struggle with how to fix them everyday, but I'm learning the only thing I can do is fix myself and my actions.

With so many issues, I can tell you my relationship has struggled, still is, and I pray that some areas of stress will be eliminated before they cause enough pressure to break it too. I also know, that whatever my intended path is, will prevail. It takes two to make or break a relationship. With each issue that confronts us, I've learned more. I just am hanging on to the single thread of hope that remains, that things will work.

As with all areas of stress, I'm not dwelling on them anymore. I'm doing all that can and when I no longer have anything to offer, I will walk away. It's the best I can do. So, I'm moving on with my day, with my daily prayers and meditation, and wishing you all a great week.

Salli

Coffee Chat - Unloading

I have been drawn to write a lot again. Although I try to keep the negative to a minimum as much as possible...there are days it's overwhelming. Lately, there have been several people ask, that I value, talk about so pretty tough subjects and ask some questions that have had me really digging within myself to find answers. Mind you, I am not a materialistic, greedy,or even demanding person; but finding answers to their questions...ones I have asked myself even before they did, has been tough!

I'm pretty simple. I want peace, room to breathe, life to function without too many hitches, and to be happy. Obviously, there are several sub-catagories with each of those but nothing that I see as a deal breakers. I'm very spiritual, though not religious. I believe we all believe in our own "God," but praying and meditating, are part of my daily routines. I know there is a grand plan out there for each of us, but it's frustrating to find yourself in limbo.

So here's my ramblings about me.

Areas that have pushed me to become introspective, trying to find answers:

What do you want in life?
What will make YOU happy?
You need to open your heart and feel again.
How can you change what's making you unhappy?

Now, I'm not going to go into a few ares, realistically, those are areas that I don't want to deal with outside opinion. So, I'm focusing on these four areas today. I have really tried to just go with the flow during this entire transition of moving. That's not me. I'm a planner, organizer, and I don't handle chaos well. Let's start with where my mind is on each area.
1. What do you want in life? - My simple answer is: to be happy. The extended version: I want what I had, with the exception of the lack of opportunity. I loved our farm life. Caring for horses, cows, chickens, pigs, dogs, gardens, trees, and my family. I want a home that is bigger than a shoe box, acreage to allow me to go back to cooking and baking from food we grew or raised ourselves. What I didn't like was the lack of growth opportunity. Jobs were few, incomes were small, and benefits were non-existent. While the possibility of going back to our farm isn't a possibility; I want what we had there but located down here.

I want to be appreciated and not taken for granted. I want to know that my family cares as much about me, as I do them. I want them to know that every single decision I make, is finally decided on, on what is best for our family...usually my own needs are not considered. I don't want to feel alone when they are all in the same room! I want to be able to tell my family that I need some "me" time, and have them respect that I need that to be at my best for me AND for them. I don't want to have to struggle for absolutely everything from finances, to respect, and courtesy. I want to feel appreciated, loved, respected and that someone actually cares about me for more than meals, clean laundry and errands.

2. What will make YOU happy? - This is tricky. I pretty well mentioned above what would make me happy. I guess the short answers are: to be able to be me, to not be constantly worried about saying/doing something that will be an embarrassment to my family and to have the space to really find "me" again. I have been a Mom, for nearly 17 years. My entire world revolves around my children. They come above everyone and everything else, period. Now, I'm looking at a nearly 17 year old that is self-sufficient, and an 8 year old that is basically self-sufficient. I have some of the "empty nest" feelings, but more than that...I feel lonely. With the kids not needing as much of my time, not having the farm to fill in the empty spaces...I'm kinda lost.

3. You need to open your heart and feel again. This one really hit me the hardest. When life throws me for a loop, I withdraw. It's the way I get a handle on the unease. Usually, a week or two and I'm back on my feet, but when more trials are thrown at me than I have answers for, I pull back even more. It's not the best coping device, I know. I have spent a lot of years with one roller coaster or another. From marriage issues, to financial issues or family issues...some areas have been building for a long time. One things I am learning, is that the longer you push down resentments, needs and even your own voice/thoughts, the harder it is to overcome the obstacles and move on. It's very difficult to want to scream at the top of your lungs for people to: listen, pay attention, quit ignoring what's going on or not going on. It's difficult to want to have your favorite color, flower, author, or poem remembered. To not have to remind anyone of your favorite things, people, events. After awhile, my walls have gone up. I tried to take them down many times, but each time I got hurt, and the walls went up again.

4. How can you change what's making you unhappy? - Again, this is multi fold. Obviously, our farm selling would help the financial side, and allow us to close a chapter. However, I'm not sure. That's the most honest answer I can give. I don't know how to bridge some of the gaps, I don't know how to change emotions/thoughts, I don't know how to get back on even ground.

So, there you have it. For 16 months, my entire life has been uprooted. 2 temporary moves later, still no sale on our farm, financial struggles that never end, and a constant battle to keep the dark/negative thoughts at bay. Overall, I like the southern part of our state. There are areas that are fitting for the kind of life I want. The difficult areas come in while trying to juggle 2 different lives, and one is 400 miles away. It's frustrating to see the possibilities but not be able to embrace them.

So, I am still working through a lot of thoughts, and even more areas of concern but, I'm still going. I'm not a quitter and I'll handle whatever life throws at me...I just may withdraw while I do.

Thanks for reading. Be sure to be kind to all, you never know what is going on in their lives. Your kindness may be the thread of hope that keeps them moving forward.
Salli