January 2018 Coffee Chat

January 2018

Well, it's safe to say that 2017 was an entire year of struggles for me. It was one of those years, that for every good day, there were 5 bad. Yes, I know all you positivity warriors out there will say, "you woke up, that means it's a good day." I will not disagree with you, and I did thank the Creator for allowing my eyes to open every morning, but here's the thing...there have been a LOT of really sucky days in the last 2 years.

Between my own growth pattern that began about 7 years ago, to the present...I have never in my life, been so close to throwing up the white flag in my life!!! From the time we bought our farm, and the chaos that ensued to take it from a hayfield to a home in 30 days; to learning a farm life, learning how buying a used home can be more costly than buying a new one, to every we tried to help bring in the extra income we needed, being a huge failure; to deciding to make a mjor move, not getting our farm sold, dealing with unnecessary family issues, to paying on two homes for nearly 2 years, to issues rocking my marriage to the brink of no return, to watching my children grow up while we have spent 2 years in total limbo, to missing our quiet/peaceful farm life, to knowing because of family issues going to back to our farm will never work, to dealing with multiple issues in our rental house; I am beyond overwhelmed. I am beyond the point of even crying it out. I just can't.

What was supposed to be a transition from one of the state to the other, has turned into nearly 17 months now of have having belongings and livestock scattered, literally across the state. It has turned into being lonelier, for me, than I've ever been. It's been adjusting to never knowing what is happening, who will be where, and not being able to count on anyone. It's seeing my boys doing their own thing, and working, while the girls are constantly at home.

I keep thinking, I should be a little more selfish, I should take time to do something I truly want to do...but I don't. I am the one that is constantly juggling the budget trying to make something work. I am the one constantly playing referee when the rest of my household decides to digress in age. I am the one that has given up everything to make the rest of my family happy. Before this move, while the boys took off to do their thing, I have gardens, horses, a house bigger than a thumb tack. Now, I'm trying to make a home in a tiny house, with half the space I need, and aside from cooking, cleaning and educating my kids...nothing else. I tried to garden here, sand and sand burrs are not relaxing and growing stuff in both sucks! I did enjoy our pool during the summer. There is no where to put our live stock, our dogs are at a friends house because there isn't anywhere for them here either, we still have stuff at our house, stuff stored in our camper because the 800 sq ft. rental house is crammed clear full.

I'm being a little selfish for a moment. When the entire move was brought up to me, I said, I would go where ever my husband wanted to go as long as he was happy, in my eyes that was what a decent wife did. Well, the boys seem happy. They can hunt, they have jobs they like, and my son is close to his girlfriend. For me, I stare at these same 4 walls every single day. I rarely do more than get groceries, pay bills, teach my children, and typical duties. I love my family, more than anything, but I'm exhausted! The boys have 2 settings...they are either getting along and on the same page or they are nit picking at each other and arguing. My daughter and I just look at each other and roll our eyes.

I have really never depended on anyone else, for much of anything. I still don't. I learned very early in life, that the only one you can truly depend on is yourself. However, that doesn't mean that I haven't tried, multiple times, to depend on others. It means that holding true to only depending on myself, has proven to be VERY accurate. Being disappointed, let down, or disrespected; seems to be normal anymore.

After years of trying to live up to expectations that weren't my own, I became very depressed. Very negative and untrusting. The one thing I've learned is that no matter how much you care about people, no matter how much you try to do for people, and no matter how many times people prove that words mean zero when action doesn't follow...my heart still tries to hang on to hope. I know people don't care as much as I do. I haven't ever need outside recognition for all that I do. I still don't!! What I crave; is people that follow through on their words, people who are truthful, people that will treat me like I'm more than an option/second choice, someone to care enough about me to truly know me. But since that has been an ongoing pipe dream, I'm making attempts to take care of my own needs.

I am praying this year is when we can finally sell our house, and get back on a farm of our own again. I;m praying that health, safety and finances are continually improving. I'm praying that by some saving grace I will finally see a positive in this move, that doesn't end up being a negative in disguise. So, until the next time I feel like writing, I'm going to ask that each of you be the person you need the most. Treat others as you wish to be treated, and NEVER treat someone as a prize one moment while treating them like dirt the next!!!

Salli

43 years...

43 revolutions around the sun, and starting another one!



Today, I'm officially 43 years old. I'm not like many that cringe at their age. I love my birthdays! I love seeing how much has changed over the course of a year. It's amazing to reflect and see how 43 years changes people.

About 7 years ago, I began a phase that has been deeply reflective, and pretty eye-opening too. What began as a friendship gone bad, a gut feeling, and some weird insight...has led me to where I am today. I've slowly began relearning who I am as a person. Pushing past the stigmas of who I was told to be, what was expected of me, and finding my way out of what I can only describe as a lot of years of isolation. I began questioning everything, and seeking a resemblance of truth through multi-sided stories. I began trying to find who I am, now...without all the expectations, the required responsibilities, and dogma of being someone's wife or mom. Somewhere along the way, that's all I had become.

I began my journey into understanding my faith. I'm not religious, but I am very spiritual. There is a difference. I believe that there is a higher power than all of us, and the possibility of a grander plan, with many options. I believe we have choices, and options throughout that grand plan, but there are not coincidences. I believe every area of our life is meant to happen to guide us. While there are MANY areas, I wish I could understand and know why they have happened as they have...I believe they will be revealed when the Universal time is right.

I'm a mom, first and above all else. My children are my entire world. They are the greatest kids, with hearts so big, caring and kind souls, and yes...I know they have flaws. They are human! In my eyes, their flaws and their perfections are part and parcel of the amazing children that they are. You don't understand how a heart can beat outside the body, until you have children.

I don't believe that "mid-life crisis" is accurate. I think you reach a stage that your eyes seek truth, balance, happiness and fulfillment. I spent years bouncing through what was expected of me. Each time I tried to veer off the that path, I ran into headaches. Rather than finding my own way, I was given a path that was expected. Now, I'm raising 2 kids of my own, and I do not want that for them. I want them to find their own way. Sure, I want to protect them from heartache, pain and stress, but I have to loosen the reins a little to allow them to find their own path. I will be there as long as humanly possible to help, but at some point, they have to know their actions will have equal or opposite reactions. They have to know how to handle that. They have to know how to handle, deal, and move on from mistakes.

However, even having children, so many of us loose sight of our individuality. We spend so much time in the mom role, that we forget we are people, and women. We forget we have needs of our own that typically get neglected while we are in our Mom hats. For me, I've had 17 years of wearing that hat, and each year has removed a little more of me. Then those little pieces of me began to diminish even faster 9 years ago with my 2nd child. By the time my friendship blow up happened...I was lost. I didn't know how to be much beyond a mom. I had let so many of my own needs vanish or get pushed aside that I was miserable.

Even though I still struggle with some areas of oddity, a few areas have been revealing themselves bits and pieces at a time throughout several years. The woman side of me, has been giving me a few fits. I'm pretty low maintenance, overall. There are some areas that are more difficult for me than others, since some things aren't meant for everyone. I think it's pretty simple on a general woman's want list: to be respected, loved, to be shown the same care as she is giving out, to have romance and even be spoiled a little. I think knowing the woman in your life, from her favorite colors and flowers, to being able to see in her eyes the warring emotions...even if you don't know the exact reason, being there to talk about them without judgement, argue without being demeaning, and share an unbreakable bond of friendship. Allowing a relationship without fear of judgement or guilt trips, and being compassionate to allow your partner to not fear being vulnerable in front of you.

I'm sure there are so many areas that will continue to be learning experiences, but in my 43rd year on this Earth, I'm seeking happiness, fulfillment, compassion, and balance. Wishing you all a safe, healthy, and happy 2018!!!!

Sending love, Salli