Follow your heart

I have spent the past 5-6 years I have struggles through some pretty massive changes. I began to feel my heart, and spirit changing. It's been a long, drawn out process that continues to change each day still. As I have grown and changed, I have really had to accept some aspects of who I was, who I am and who I want to be; that weren't being true to myself. I spent so many years trying to please everyone, trying to do what was best for everyone, except me. I tolerated being belittled, degraded, and manipulated by so many, it is unnerving to think back on. Those whom you believe to want the best for you, may not be the case. They want the best for them, or want to control you.

The thing is, you have to have some control in your life, but when one person or a handful of people have all the control, you lose yourself and your own value. You begin to feel invaluable to everyone and lose all sense of self. Your own needs and wants are ripped away, your goals are laughed at or completely disregarded. You begin feeling depressed, worthless, and stuck. After years, of feeling this way, you give up. You begin to just shut down and feel resolved to be stuck in the same ole scenario. It becomes an internal battle for some, of doing what's best for your family or doing what's best for you as an individual.

Once in a while, These situations are put onto a different path though. In my eyes, it's through some miraculous or divine power that those situations are given a massive uprising. That shake shake up, not only begins the eye opening sometimes needed, but also a not so gentle shove towards rediscovery. In my case, that rediscovery has had some pretty painful realizations, mostly in the mental capacity but to some degree even physically. Through many years and heartbreaks, you lose faith in people and for me, in emotions. It becomes easier to shut down, build impenetrable walls, and lose trust in just about everyone. You find out who is truly a friend when your world feels like it's crumbling to your feet. Those you thought you could trust, depend on, and thought were loyal; just aren't there. It happens, we all change. Those that stand beside you through this process become more valuable than gold.

I've laughed at the many "labels" put on this awakening, including the infamous "mid-life crisis." Sure, I believe to a degree that in some sense, this could be acceptable label. I believe it's more of an awareness, awakening, or even finally finding the strength to weed through layers of what society has found acceptable. While I'm not quite to my 44th birthday, I am in that awakening state. I am at the point in my life that I am no longer willing to accept or tolerate what is not making me happy. Senseless drama fueled by childish behavior, is not acceptable. Forcing emotions or feelings that just aren't there anymore, is not acceptable. Allowing opinions of others, that do not know the whole story to dictate your worth, is not acceptable.

Through the many years since I first was slapped with what felt like I going crazy, I began valuing my own individual spirituality. I began to value my time in meditation and prayer. I began to accept that I felt closest to whatever higher being there was, when I was in nature. I began researching everything I could find on spirituality, as opposed to religion. I couldn't find a religion that fit, because my beliefs are unique to me and what I have experienced. I'm ok with that, it just makes it more difficult when others try to push you into a specific religion. I have tried to attend churches, Methodist, Lutheran, Nazarene, Baptist, Catholic; but none fit. I do not believe in brimstone and fire, or that the hypocrisy of confessing sins on Sunday, gives you a free pass to continue them in the following week. We are human. Sins are all around us, all the time. It is no more acceptable to criticize others sins, than it is for us judge others...there by creating yet another sin. The 7deadly sins that were supposedly outlined in the Bible, have become a cornerstone in society. If the religious teachings are accurate, that would instantly condemn us all to hell...if you believe in that. I truly don't. I believe we live in hell every day, and it's our purpose on this Earth to do our part to grow, become better people and therefore when we pass on, we transcend into a better life in the great beyond. We are going to make mistakes, make bad decisions but I believe we are all on our own path that we must learn from. Whether you believe as I do, that there is a grand plan for each of our lives, or not...the choices are ours, and we have to grow and learn to become closer to that higher power.

That being said, I do not believe in coincidence, at all! I believe everything happens for a reason. Everything, good or bad, is put in your life for a purpose. Whether you have prayed from direction, or guidance; that is what you are given...even if the road looks pretty tough. Sometimes, we are given options that allow us to see other paths. As I said, I've been in a period of awakening. There have been a lot of options, opinions, and spiritual guidance presented to me in a multitude of ways. I believe the Universe/Higher Power(whatever label you have), gives us clues of the "right" path; IF we are conscientious enough to pay attention.

Here is some great examples, that have been given to me. After my cancer, I was told I couldn't have anymore children. I was 26 years old. I dealt with that life changing diagnosis, the emotional roller coaster that followed, all while raising my 1 year old son. In the 8 1/2 years following that, I had 7 miscarriages. I was told I could never take birth control again because it was a known cancer instigator. If you have ever experienced a miscarriage, you know the toll it takes on your mind and body. Because of my cancer surgery, my body was thrown into perimenopause before I was 30. The prequel, to one of the biggest changes a woman will ever go through. Well, with hormone levels all over everywhere, I ended up pregnant at 35. That was terrifying, not only at starting over with a baby and an 8 year old but the thought of miscarrying, the cancer returning, and/or a million other concerns. After having my daughter, then almost losing her to an extreme allergy to the vaccine bases, I was again thrown into yet another learning curve. I have to learn Holistic treatments to keep her healthy and safe; all while having to fight a school system that "did not tolerate bullies" yet I was at the school every day for an entire school year when my son would come home with new injuries from a bully...EVERY DAY!!! During every phase of this, my marriage was struggling, we divorced briefly, and even once we got back together; it has not been good. We've tried, I've tried, but getting past all the water under the bridge and all the bridges that have been burnt; seems impossible. We get along pretty good for awhile and then old habits return and the repeat button on the roller coaster continues. Since having my daughter, pulling my son out of public schools; my entire life has been focused on these 2 kids. It didn't matter what I wanted, needed, whatever...I have done what I thought was best for them. I've bit my tongue, I've cursed under my breath(and many times out loud) at stupidity or ignorance. I've developed thick skin while catching grief about home schooling, being a stay-at-home-mom, and shoving everyone but my kids aside. I had accepted until my youngest was 18, I was stuck with whatever situation happened. I had gotten so depressed, that I was afraid to leave my house, afraid to drive, and even began believing the bullshit manipulation tactics that were spewed at me.

It was late 2012, when that began changing. It was during a night out with someone I considered a friend, that I was left standing in the cold while she was off with some guy, that a thought hit me like a club. That thought? "I have allowed others to tell me my worth, my value, and what is an acceptable or unacceptable way to treat me." That was a pretty tough pill to swallow. Here's the thing. Society/television gives us these unrealistic ideas of how life should be. Everything from "reality" televiion to corny fairy tales; none of which are true or real. Life isn't all sunshine and roses; nor is it brimstone and fire. Not all relationships are in constant honeymoon stage and differing opinions doesn't make or break a friendship. The changes in my life began small. They began with finding little things that allowed me to find me again. I began exploring areas that brought me peace. I began building furniture, taking pictures, going for hikes again, and taking a few minutes a day for me. I started trying to get back into the work force...even if very part-time. I had given up on my own goals and passions, and focused on being the best mom I could. Here's the thing though, and I can't stress this enough! YOU CAN'T POUR FROM AN EMPTY CUP!!! I know I have told so many friends this exact thing! I was empty. I had nothing left to give to my kids, there fore I had nothing left to give me. I had spent 100% of my time focused on my kids, my husband, and my home; there wasn't anything left of me. So much of my emotions were watered down, or gone. So much me was gone. When the opinions of others, the verbal attacks and mental bashing become so loud for so long, not only do you believe that crap but you just give up. You quit trying. Your resolve slips away, and you feel destined to be stuck in that situation forever. The thing is, one simple change can blow that thought clear out of the water. To some degree, I thank the woman that began this transition for me. It's been 6 years now since that event occurred. It's been a long, and painful process to get to the point I am now, and I'm still growing. I'm still learning and rediscovering me. I'm terrified as some realizations have hit me, but I am getting stronger every single day. I am not tolerating drama, or being disrespected. I'm not willing to continue letting my children believe that happiness is in another person, instead I'm trying to teach them that happiness begins within themselves. Happiness is theirs to grab a hold of. I want them to be able to make decisions for themselves, but also make decisions that fit their goals; not my goals for them or what society finds acceptable. I want them to see me happy, healthy, and pursuing my goals; to continue to teach them by leading, not following. I want them to understand that the things I do in my life, I'm doing for me. To make me happy, a better person and a more productive member of society. I don't ever want them to feel they are stuck, to ever experience the emotional drain of depression or any form of abuse. I do not ever want them to feel they disrespected, taken for granted or being used.

Experiencing mental or verbal abuse, no matter who is dishing it out, is a difficult rope to cut. Whether those who dish it out realize they are doing it or not, is still abuse. It's still unacceptable. I don't care if it's a parent, peer, grandparent, or spouse...it does not change the pain. While physical scars are visible and heal; mental scars develop a lot of scar tissue which results in emotional shut down, and walls thicker than anything. Getting past those scars, is tough. You can forgive all day long, but you will never forget. You will never get back to the same playing field you once were, and many times it will end whatever the relationship once was...be it friendship or partnership.

If I have learned just one thing from the growth I have experienced...it's this: under no circumstance, can you do anything; UNLESS you are doing for yourself. You can not quit a bad habit, unless you are doing it for yourself. You can not make anything happen unless you are doing it for you. I have been very fortunate to have some great friends and mentors during this time of growth. You can go from job to job, activity to activity, or even relationship to relationship; but you can not be happy until whatever you are doing, you are doing for you. For what you need, want, or what is serving to your goals. The only person responsible for YOUR happiness, is YOU!

For the past 27 days, I have been away from home for 14 of them. I've driven over 3700 miles. I spent 5 days helping the foundation I work with and the veterans is serves. I spent 9 days helping my Mom and Stepdad when he had major back surgery. Yes, it was beyond difficult being away from my kids so much. Here's the thing though. The 5 day event; I found my passion, and I found a peace of mind that I have never in my life experienced. I got to meet, help and work with some of the most amazing people I have ever met. Their strength and courage, their remarkable stories and the laughter was invigorating. It breathed life back into a pretty bruised heart. That same heart, had me tied in knots just a week later when my dad was going into an angiogram, had another stent put in and I allowed my brother to just relay information when Dad said for me to stay at home. Just a few days later my mom asked me to be there with her for my stepdad's surgery. I would have driven from my dad's procedure to my stepdad's surgery; but I ended up in Southern Missouri while my brother handled Illinois. Although having my heart reawakened has been a good thing, that crazy organ has a way of opening your eyes(and sometimes giving you more fits than you're prepared for!). Feeling, in general, has been difficult for me. I believe in my intuition, and I try to listen more as I've gotten older. One lesson I've learned, you can't make your heart believe what isn't true. You can not feel what isn't there, and when you do feel something....again, that crazy organ, will not let you block it...no matter how much you try.

Life can be pretty messed up sometimes, but you have to listen and watch for the signs. You have to pray for guidance, support, courage and sometimes even the strength to find your own way. Whatever road you choose to take, you have to choose the one best for your own individual being, not anyone else. When you choose the path that someone else may feel is best for you, you aren't allowing yourself the opportunity to grow into the person you are meant to be.

Watch out for the heart, that crazy organ will give you fits and starts, but it will guide you too. Use a little knowledge in your head, but always follow your heart!

~Salli

Coffee Chat - Unique time of growth

Good morning friends. It's been a bit since I've written much. However, it's been a time of soul searching. I've spent several years struggling with thoughts, emotions, and wandering a bit aimlessly. Each time I think I've found some resolution, something else has jumped up to bite me. So today, I believe will be a coffee chat, to clear my head and go back to some resemblance of a calm I felt just a few days ago.

For the past year and a half, I was honored to volunteer with a great foundation. It worked with wounded veterans. In that time, I not only found a passion, but what I can only describe as a personal calling to me. I spent 5 days, helping with an event that was a rehabilitative outdoor program with this foundation. It was truly a life changing event for me. Aside from building relationships/friendships with so many, it was a reminder of what happens when people forget their purpose. I can say, for me, that event has forever changed me; my outlook, my perspective, and my own views. The group of people I was privileged to meet, gave me the strength and courage to not only face my fears in life, but to remember the most important part of life - living each day to the absolute fullest.

Now, with all this mental clarity I was able to find, it opened up an old Achilles heel too. For years, I've allowed people to determine my worth. When others haven't seen it, I've assumed I'm not valued. Guess what....that's crap. Being alive gives me value. I may not be everyone's cup of tea, but that's ok. I don't need to be. I am a good person. I care to a fault, I love too much, and I always try to look past the exterior layers of people to find their good. I've always believed people are good, although I've decided that some just aren't. I think so many people have allowed excuses to rule their lives. It's easiest to make an excuse, instead of following your heart or a path that feels right. I spent several days, feeling. Mind you, my mind has always felt like a super highway, always racing from one thought to another. It's always trying to stay just one step ahead of whatever issue may arise. For the past 5 days, it stopped! It's a calming feel that I can't say I've ever felt in my life.

While some jealousy and insecurity from people still leaves me scratching my head, I know taking the high road will always be my choice. Even when it's a struggle to keep my mouth closed. I may not understand those exact emotions, I understand being told you are less, not good enough, being reminded of your flaws regularly, and berated. I understand mental abuse, even when it's not intentional. I understand losing your self-esteem and losing the person you are meant to be. None of it is fun, none of it is easy to overcome, and the scars you have afterward, are not visible but are truly worse than any physical scar could ever be.

We can change and adapt to society and whatever the newest acceptable beliefs may be, we can follow whatever religious beliefs we were raised to believe, but the truly universal language is kindness and love. Treating others as we wish to be treated. You don't use or abuse people. Especially those that care about you. You don't place more value in material items than you do rel people and relationships. You don't shatter someone's trust, because once broken, it may never return.

One of the amazing people I met during my trip, told me this: "You do what you have to do, to be able to do what you want to do." Well, my friend, I don't believe I've ever heard truer words. With the extremely long travel both to and from the event, I had a lot of time to think. A lot of peace to be able to clearly hear my thoughts. This can be good or bad. The biggest clarity I think I've ever felt, was the trip home. I don't know about anyone else, but I try to listen to not only the insanity that goes on in my mind but I try to follow my heart and my passion. Sometimes, my thoughts leave me fumbling for words. Unfortunately, my expressions rarely do. I have times that I can't express thoughts, because there are too many to pinpoint a single one.

Since I've been home, there have been a lot of conversations that needed to be had. There have been a lot of decisions made...some by me, and unfortunately some for me. While I am a firm believer that the Universe puts us on the path we are meant to follow; puts people in our lives for a reason, and gives us situations to open our eyes to our own insecurities and defaults. I think we are meant to evolve. Living in the area that I do, has been a kind of slap in the face to this. Things here have been done the same way for ever, gossip runs rapid while those living in glass houses throw stones, and folks forget that they can lock the closet that their skeletons are buried in...but they always emerge. For years, I kept to myself. I stayed in whatever area I lived in, usually not straying too far from our property. The trouble with that ideology, is that life becomes stale. Relationships become stale. While is may curb several issues, it creates 10 times more. My life, was mundane, and monotonous.

A few weeks back, I made a comment during a conversation, that began opening my eyes to my own false beliefs. I said, "I work my tail off, taking care of everyone else's needs and wants. When is it my turn. When is it my turn to be happy?" The response I got royally pissed me off, because it's an antique response. "Well, you have kids. You get to do those things when they are grown." That's wrong. Our children depend on us, there is no doubt in that. However, our children depend on us for not only the physical things they need but also the mental and emotional things too. My theory, when a child has a parent that is unhappy, they see this, and they believe that is the way life goes. When a parent is unhappy, abused(mentally or physically), that is the way they grow up and believe. They see the way one parent treats another, and that's the trap they fall in when they enter their own relationships. The see the verbal abuse or manipulation, and they think that is ok. This is wrong!

I'm not an expert on anything! However, I do observe and listen....a LOT! I have major trust issues, so if I'm visiting but spend time around people that send me negative vibes...I will stop talking to just to listen. Sadly, people can pretend all day long, but if you have someone that actually listens, actually pays attention; the show they are putting on will be not only evident but obvious. I've come across a few like this recently. They sure put on a great show...for about 5 minutes. That was all it took me to pinpoint that game. I despise games! I'm too old to play them. If I'm forced to be involved in one, you can bet, I will be playing to win! The sad part of this, sometimes the game changes players. So you are forced to reevaluate on the fly. That's when things can get a little hairy. I personally prefer time to think, weigh the odds, and either walk away or go for the gold.

The recent interactions, involved a lot of deception. The most dangerous liar, is one who believes his/her own lies. I prefer to be an open book. There is plenty I keep to myself, but I'm not one that will lie for anyone. I may not tell all, to anyone...ever. However, I believe if you lie about something, the most harm comes to the liar. Not a single person on this Earth knows exactly what happens when we pass on. We have been led to believe that we are judged before entering Heaven or Hell. While I believe this to some degree, I don't believe in Hell as it's been preached. I believe we pass on, and our soul progresses through different planes. Obviously, those that live entire virtuous lives progress further and faster, but every single human has sinned. Period! If we followed the scriptures written, that would condemn us all to Hell. Sure it's said that we can be saved, and I believe that. However, I don't think that a single human can be the one doing the saving. I believe that through our faith/spirituality, we become saved with each new encounter. I believe we are shown new options, new paths, and even new people; as a means to grow. The thing is we can't grow, if we aren't willing to face some uncomfortable changes, some uncomfortable realizations about who we are at our core...without pretentious instilled beliefs. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. Every experience, every emotion...everything! It's what we do with those experiences and emotions that bring us to a higher calling.

Sometimes, finding that higher calling, means finding your true passion, your purpose in life. I've had an honor of finding just that. I found a passion and what felt like my true calling. Myself, I was introduced to helping people, not just anyone people, but people whom had served their country, some of which had been injured while doing so. Having had the unique experience of visiting with them, hearing their stories, hearing about their lives and families...was remarkable! The folks I visited with, opened my eyes. They not only reminded to make every single day count because there is no promise of tomorrow; but the opened my eyes to new experiences and thoughts. New connections were made, new friends were made, new thoughts began to grow. Having a bond/connection with those you work with is important, but it's more than that. When you are able to form friendships and connections through experiences, when you love what you do; it's no longer a job, the red tape/the drama, no longer bares any significance. You become more that. You become humbled, yet empowered.

Since getting home from an eye-opening experience, I have prayed a lot. I've prayed for guidance, strength, peace, insight and courage. I've prayed for a veteran that begins his journey after 5 years in a wheel chair to begin walking again. I've prayed for the veteran and his wife as they begin their new experiences of retirement and new adventures. I've prayed for the group as a whole, for safety, health, in their travels and in so many new experiences that they are embracing. I've prayed for myself, my family, my extended family, and friends. I've prayed for answers to questions that seem overwhelming to me, and direction to where I am supposed to be.

As for me right now, I'm taking some time to reflect, refocus, and as sad as it is, I'm turning off my heart. It's very rare that my heart is open to anyone, and unfortunately, it's been proven over and over that that organ causes me too much pain to let just anyone in. I give all I can give for others, and each time they let me down. So, it's time to focus on me. There isn't time to wait until the kids are grown, or wait until everything is right. At that point, the kids will be grown, I will be more depressed, I will be more resentful and angry. When all is said and done, I will be lonelier and more miserable, and alone. Now mind you, being alone is better than being in the wrong situation. The thing is, if I wait until the kids are grown to find MY happiness, find MY place in this big ole world; that does not offer the greatest example for my kids. It's not ok for them to see me anything but happy, fulfilled, and loved.

So, for today, I'm going to finish this blog and know that for the first time in more than 20 years; I feel whole. I feel that I have a firm grip on where my passions lie, and even though I don't know what direction life will take me, I know that each new experience will allow me to grow and become a better person. I'm finishing up today with this thought, "What's meant to be will always find a way to be."

~Salli