Let's chat a bit

It's been a while since I've felt like writing. I have a lot to say but once in a while, I figure a lot of people can't handle my opinions or thoughts...so I keep to myself. Today, I have a lot on my mind and in my heart. So this has been building for a bit. So let's chat!

My life gets a little crazy at times. Some of it is just juggling so many schedules and different hats I have to wear, but there is more. I tend to be a venting post for so many, and many times those conversations stay with me long after the actual conversation is done. I truly enjoy visiting with people, and it eases my mind to know that so many depend on me and trust me with their thoughts. There are times though, that people just drain the life out of me. The constant negativity, the dramas, the complaints; some days are just extremely overwhelming, while dealing with my own life. Trying to keep a balance is very difficult when you want to always be available for people and never want to let anyone down. With all that being said, sometimes I just have to withdraw for a little while and allow myself the time to recharge.

We moved to our farm in 2011. Not having grown up on a farm, I've really had to learn a lot, double time! Not to mention the physical side that my 110 lbs. was not ready for. I've done it though. Anyway, my education is in business and analyzing. Although there have been many years when juggling a budget with one income was nearly impossible, I've always tried to do my best. After many years now of battles over how to best make several things work...I'm hoping we are finally on a good path. It's all a matter of getting the ball rolling to make everything work. I'm spent many years moderating and trying to stay on neutral territory, as a referee of sorts. Now, I am stepping up bigger than I have in 20 years. I have to. I've tried things one way and they do not work for me...so now it's time to try them my way. While we spent a little more than 2 years away from our farm and eliminated everything when we thought the farm would sell, we are now in a position to have to replace a lot. Our first year back had more twists and turns than the road we live on, and several heartbreaks(for me). Now, I'm done playing around. It's time to shit or get off the pot! I have had many ideas through the years that have been let go. Now, I'm going to make them happen. It's time to make this farm earn its keep. I'm done just throwing money at it and trying to work with uncertainty. We are replacing hay equipment as we can, we had already built built half our east perimeter fence, now we are building the rest. I've listened to small minds, big mouths and rumor mill crap; now I'm listening to me. I am doing what is best for my family only.

I love our little farm, and the man that told me to make it our home is always close to my heart...even if I miss his little chats, I know he's never far away. I hope my dreams will come to fruition for this place and would make him proud.

As I said earlier, there is always some form of craziness around here. If it's not my young people and their personalities, it's animals, everyday life, schooling schedules, work schedules or my newest adventures. Now, we are welcoming an exchange student into our home and life. We have had the pleasure of getting to know her since about April, and she will be coming to her American home August 2nd. We get almost a year to learn and share cultures with our host daughter from Italy. While we can't wait to share our lives, our home, our farm and some adventures; we can't wait to learn about her life, her home, her family, and I am looking forward to even sharing my kitchen! Maybe we can even learn some of the Italian language.

It's weird to think about everything going on around here, but not know where to start! Our oldest graduated in May, our youngest has begun 5th grade. I'm constantly learning something - from "counseling" to psychology, new found business plan writing techniques, graphic design, many areas of red tape, juggling 4 work schedules, a home school schedule, traveling schedules, farm schedules(breeding, wormings, weight gain, etc.) all while attempting to keep up with housework, laundry, meals and groceries. Most days, as soon as dinner is over, I am curled up in my recliner asleep! So many schedules tend to make make me crazy. If it wasn't for my planners, I would not keep up! Honestly, I do not handle being bored well, so being busy is good. Although there are times I would love to take a day without technology...I probably won't, but it sounds good!

As some of you may have seen on Facebook, I am helping expand a veteran foundation in my area. The foundation is one I have done a lot of volunteering for over the past 3 years; everything from deer hunts to thank you concerts, to kayak trips and community involvement. It's been such a humbling experience to work with such amazing people. Taking the time to get to know and hear the stories of the veterans, to see their exceptional attitudes even through their personal hardships, and to see them continue to gain their independence and courage through the multitude of events is an incredible experience. The men and women I have gotten to know, have helped me to remember never to give up. It's also a good reminder that so many of my little issues are unnecessarily being worried over - even when I have no control over them. Our American veterans are some of the most incredible people!!! I hope you will keep up with the events through Facebook and my blogs.

As our family continues to adjust to our new "normal" you can follow along on our Bowen Family Farm Facebook page. You can keep up with my personal page, and the foundation Facebook page, WakeFoundation. If you are near us in location, just know we love visits, but if you are coming to look at my house...probably best not to come. I do what I can as I have the energy, the rest will be there when I get to it! I've learned that life is fleeting, and there's more important things than an immaculate home, expensive material items and useless stuff.

So, for today, I'm going to finish up to get more of my to-do list knocked down. I wish you all a beautiful and blessed day!!!
Salli

Venting Session

After a week from hell, I needed a my writing again. The past week was not only the longest week I've had for a while, it was pretty rocky too. Most people do not get to experience what goes on in my life, and honestly, sometimes that is a good thing. Other times, I wish others could see, so they would understand better how hard it is to not only find balance, but to remain even the slightest bit positive.

My days are full. I don't think I have even a single day in the 12 months that doesn't already have something scheduled in it. While I like to be busy, so that I don't have much time to focus on negative energy, sometimes it's overwhelming. So many days, I'd love to eliminate technology, phones, and the outside world in general; we all know that would be a pipe dream though. There will always be some form of distractions, even without the technology.

As I try to find the best way to put words to thoughts, I am drawing a lot of blanks. It's difficult to put words to bad behaviors, pent up emotions, and lack of an outlet. I spend a lot of time in a tug-of-war between fighting like hell and waving a white flag. In the 22 years that I have spent in Missouri, there has been a total of a about 3 years that didn't leave me feeling overwhelmed, useless, conflicted; constantly doubting myself, my abilities, or my value/worth. I love my life style, and so many of the things I've learned, but there has been so many areas that left me in a constant struggle to not believe so much of the negative noise I've heard.

After having my kids, they became my world. I focused on raising them to believe in themselves, to take the crap other people spew with a grain of salt, to focus on what is best for them. I've played referee, been their shoulder to cry on when others have behaved badly or made hurtful remarks, and spent a lot of time being the bad guy because I refused to let them be put in the same type of tug-of-war game that I have been.

So many times, it would have been easier for me to have someone that I could talk to, or bounce ideas off of, or even to share those little victories that meant so much me. The thing is, I hate to bother anyone else with my struggles. Everyone has their own battles, and I can't always be there for them because I'm so overwhelmed. So, I withdraw a little more. I lock those thoughts, feelings, emotions, and most the time even the anger, away. I let so much build up, that when I finally can't take anymore and blow up, there are so many issues, resentments, and anger. As I am getting older, I'm finding it harder to tolerate much. Some situations are outside of my control, but when it affects my life, I want to go postal! I want to release all the negative, speak my mind - unfiltered, tell others exactly what I think...but I won't. Honestly, I've tried to have a few conversations with people that have been involved in some of the issues...they either don't see a problem or they can't bother to actually listen for more than a handful of minutes.

I spend so much time being a venting post or battering ram for everyone else, that it mentally drains me. I even have complete strangers that stop me in public to tell me their life story! I never believed that at 44 years old, being married for nearly 20 years, with 2 amazing kids...that I would be lonely! That is one of the areas that really bugs me. I'm not demanding or high maintenance, I don't need expensive crap and hate shopping...I just want people in my life that will try to understand, that I can feel safe enough to talk openly to, and that will be there for me as much I am for them.

I'm tired. I have spent so many years fighting for everything. So many years trying to prove to others my value and my loyalties. When in all fairness, I don't have to proven crap to anyone. I am not perfect. I can be the best friend you have or your worst enemy...the choice is yours. I will be loyal, caring and empathic; until I hit the breaking point when your involvement in my life becomes more of liability than an asset...then I AM DONE! There have been so many areas that I have reached that point in the past 5 years. I do not make rash decisions, and there are just areas that I can no longer participate in the senseless dramas. The manipulations, guilt trips, and chaos has had me in a spiral of negative emotions and questioning myself. I am done with it, and I am taking the steps needed to fix what I can or let go of what I can't fix.

I just want to live the best life possible, with the best people possible around me, eliminate negativity and drama, and not ever feel again, what I've felt for the better part of 17 years.
End of venting!