Trying to find balance

While I do not believe in the proverbial "perfect mom," status, I do believe that there are many good moms out there. Every woman has their own belief in what it takes to be a good mom. As so much television and internet exposure has given us examples of what we should be or should not be, all it has really done is provided others with a way to judge Moms.

After listening to a podcast this morning about this subject, I am finding a need for balance. I personally need to find balance between being a mom, wife, educator, home manager, and Salli...as a person. My life for almost 13 years has been devoted to my husband, kids, and home. For the past 4 years, it has been entirely devoted to kids, husband, home educating the kids, managing our home, finances, cooking, cleaning, and juggling life circumstances. During the years of being a mom and wife, I threw in learning a new life style, juggling my family/his family/my friends, trying to overcome the distance between my life now with my past and my family 400 miles away, and my own changing opinion and views.

I have a beautiful life, and I know this. I get to be a stay-at-home mom, I have a home business that allows me to earn a little extra money on occasion, I have a healthy family, and a beautiful home. I am very blessed by all of this. In saying that, I still find myself less than content at times. This is not saying that I am not happy, because I am. I am just finding that I need something more. I need me.

Somewhere over the course of 15 years, I have lost me. I lost many of the passions I used to enjoy. I lost the person I was, and the one I liked. While I have been working at re-finding the person I am, there are many days that the constant demands of children, juggling finances, laundry, meal prep, meal cleanup, school schedules, housework, business, gardening, food preservation, animal care, farm life, and still trying to find time to be a wife....has me running in circles and not accomplishing a single thing. Those are the days that I find myself in a negative state of mind. Those are the days I hear myself asking, over and over again, "isn't there something more to life?" My days are basically all the same...wake up, hubby goes to work, oldest wakes up and starts talking about his latest invention ideas, I work on the computer and check emails, youngest wakes up, breakfast for the kids, school work/morning chores/kitchen cleanup, referee many battles, fix lunch for all, all 3 sit down for lunch only mom is up 14 times in 30 minutes for forgotten lunch needs, I finally get tired of trying to eat and throw half my lunch away, clean up from lunch, kids play and have multiple battles, I work on cleaning house/doing dishes/doing laundry, sit for a few minutes to catch up on facebook, start preparing supper and send kiddos out to do evening chores, finish supper and start to eat only to have items that were forgotten(and of course needed) for supper, after many trips to the kitchen I finally sit down to eat cold food and honestly not really hungry anymore, then it's clean up/put supper up/do dishes, continue refereeing, find time to do more laundry, and now throw in canning/picking from the garden, and by this time it's almost 10 and I am exhausted. I have yet to get a shower, the kids get their showers and hubby gets his. However, by the time they are all done it's almost 11 and there's no hot water left. I am ready to collapse from exhaustion and I crawl into bed only to toss and turn all night while my list of projects/to do list items that have not yet been done, runs through my head. I am back up the next morning by 6 to start all over again. Now, in the mix of all this, there isn't one single thing in my days that is actually for me. My days are 100% revolved around my home, and my children.

All this is my life. Yes, I have a great life by many standards. I don't know that I would ever change my life style but I am going to change the fact that my life just exists. Although I have no idea how, I am going to find Salli again. I am going to find a balance between being a mom, wife, and being Salli. I am going to help my family to see and understand what I need to be a happy, fulfilled Mom/Wife. While I know that this transition will be a challenge with the constant needs my family has, I know that by finding my own contentment, I will be a better mom and wife and less overwhelmed.

Wish me luck on this venture, I know I'm going to need it!
Salli

A leap of faith to a time of my past

After much debate, I decided to take a leap of faith and attend an all school reunion for the high school I graduated from. I was concerned about so many people and classes being thrown together, however, after attending...I have decided it was the most sensible thing to do. 73 years of classes, the oldest Alum being from the class of 1934, all the way to the class of 2013.

While many of my graduating class neglected to show up, those of us that did...enjoyed catching up. A big part of those there were there were from out-of-state. There were 4 from Missouri, 1 from Arizona, 1 from California, and 1 from Oregon. There were 9 that lived local. I was thrilled to see so many from other classes that I was friends with. My dear husband was introduced to so many that I'm pretty certain he will never remember all the names! My best friend came out and we discussed so many memories from our high school years. So many times we got in trouble for things that happened that were not planned, and some that were. Caught up with several that I had been talking to online and had really enjoyed getting to know again. 1 person I hadn't seen since moving to Missouri, 16 years ago, and was so thrilled to see again.

In the weeks leading up to this reunion palooza, I really questioned why you would have an all school reunion. Having the pleasure of attending, I can't imagine having anything else. What I expected would be a complete cluster, turned out to be fairly organized, several bands donated time, several of the area restaurants were there to have food on site, and it was an outstanding event!

Making the time to revisit a piece of my past that I try to avoid, was a bit of an undertaking. Emotionally, it was a struggle. This was the first trip back to my home town since one of my friends past away. It was quite a difficult time keeping my emotions in check. Our class has lost 5 members over the years. I was fortunate enough to see the parents of my dear friend, those I refered to as mom and dad also. They were another set of parents who I still love to death! Making the trip to my home town is about a 5 hour trip. It's physically not that far, but far enough to be taxing. It is far enough to have to plan for a visit months in advance. Mentally, it's a challenge since my husband is not from there. I know he does not enjoy being up there, and he does not have many common interests with those I grew up with. So balancing the emotional side, and the desire to reconnect is always a struggle. My husband was a real trooper though. He mingled with me, talked and visited with so many, and even acted as though he enjoyed himself. Whether he did or not, he made sure I enjoyed myself.

While I didn't do all that I had hoped for, I did enjoy a relaxing time. I didn't make the catfish days in a neighboring town or a picnic by the river...but there's always next time.

Very happy I went and really enjoyed seeing old friends.