Coffee chat - Oct. 27th - Solving the problems of my world over coffee...

A little coffee chat this morning before my week begins. I am facing the fact that no matter what I do, I am only one person and I am who I am...and I can't change that. Not that I would really want to change who I am, but some times, I wish I could be a little less uptight. Even though the last few years, I am finding myself becoming more tense, I really think that these last few years I have taken on so much more than I have ever done before. I don't take time out for myself, I have allowed my schedules to rule my life, and I do not handle change well anymore, so any changes or veer from normal, makes me uptight and stressed. So, I am trying to reign in some of those crazy obsessive needs of being self-dependent, and I am attempting to do better with asking for help.

Between the fact of getting older and dealing with a different stage of health, and realizing that my kids are growing and changing all the time, I am rethinking the way we are handling our lives. We took on this insanely huge remodel project in February. It has been completely consuming. Even though we are making headway, it's a slow process. There have been too many "surprise," projects thrown in to the mix to account for. There have been too many projects that should not have taken very long, but multiple surprises threw off my schedule. I am attempting to handle all the surprises the best I can, and attempting to keep my temper and stress in check.

Health wise, as women mature, their bodies change and so do their needs/wants. While I have joked about a mid-life crisis,it's really not a joking matter. My own experience has included so many of the menopausal symptoms that I had heard about from other women. The crazy hot flashes, night sweats that cause you to wake up and have your clothes soaked, mood swings that you can't control, bodily changes that you don't understand, and even to some degree; doctors that push medicine like the change from a reproductive stage to a mature stage is an illness or disease. I am a researcher, by nature. A lot of what I have read is from the Western Medical view. While there are some issues that constitute medication, menopause is not an illness nor is it a disease. It's a part of life that women have dealt with from the beginning of humanity. The difference from years ago until now, is that everyone wants instant gratification; they don't want to make changes in their lives to allow the natural process to happen, without synthetic drugs to control every aspect of that change. Fortunately, since I am a researcher and have several great holistic doctor friends and friends in the holistic field, I am finding what I feel is the natural way to handle my own changes. No, these changes do not happen over night and many times it has taken weeks to really start seeing a difference. However, I am not filling my body with drugs, and I know that this is a natural process, so I am trying to handle each new symptom as it occurs. Diet, exercise, and boosting your immune system with real food, is the key to better health...no matter what you face.

It's strange to feel so at ease with the chaos in my life. I get stressed, no doubt, but overall...I have found my new normal(to some degree!). I have began my vitamin changes, started including foods that are known for mood enhancement, also foods that have amazing health benefits, and because of a dream come true; I have began exercising again regularly so I can start teaching dance again. Although, the teaching is as a sub right now, it's still something I have dreamed of doing again, since I quit teaching 15 years ago. Dancing has always been something that allows me a release. I am forcing myself out of my comfort zone, and taking time for myself. Even though I was looking forward to it, a girls night out was something that I really wanted to do, but by the end of the day...I was tired and just wanted to stay home. I knew it would upset me later if I didn't go, so I went. We had fun, laughed so much at some of the costumes, and we didn't even drink...we just danced. It would have been so easy for me to just called up my friend, and say I was too tired to go. I didn't. I forced my way through getting ready, forced my way out the door - when it would have been so easy to throw on my sweats and curl up in my recliner, drove to her house, and we went out. It was fun, and laughing felt amazing. We got home about 2 in the morning, and I was back up by 8:30. I was totally exhausted, but it was another step for me.

My work schedule has thrown a bit of a monkey wrench in my life. I hate that, now that my kids are involved in different activities, I am not here to take them to everything. I have had to depend on my husbands mom to do a lot of the running, not to mention asking her to watch the kids so I can get a little time for me. She has willingly helped me out so much, and it kills me to ask, but even with my own pride issues...I am so grateful to have her help. My husbands step-mom has been a huge help to me throughout our marriage too. Between long conversations early on, to the current conversations that have helped me to understand the natural responses of menopause and how to deal with some changes, I am very fortunate to have her help too! Since I am working now, I have had to depend on my kids to do more, as well as my husband. Even though I am only working about 15 hours each week, there is about a hour before hand that I need to get ready. The times I work are the best for our schedules, and with my husbands job...it's still been a huge adjustment that I am still trying to work with. The little bit of extra money from my job has been amazing. I love having a little extra for things that I wouldn't normally do.

I have been in a candle business for the past 5 years. The company has been really good overall, but several changes the past couple of years has upset the balance for me. The candles are the best, the decorations are great quality, but the policies for the reps have changed and the shipping has become horrible. So, as part of my changes to help myself, I have decided it's time to walk away. I have given my customers a months notice, and since I have had so many amazing customers, I have a letter going to them with ways for them to continue ordering, but I will not be continuing that venture.

I am constantly reshaping myself into the person I want to be. I don't deal with gossip, and I have found that several folks I was friendly with, are too gossipy for my likings. I have some long time friends, that I continue to reach out to, because I am finding that true friends, are hard to come by. Even though I have 2-3 people in the area that I live now, that I can talk to and am friends with...my truest friends; the ones I can tell anything to and I never worry about them repeating anything, are still in my hometown area. Too many people, as far as I can tell, are your friend when it's convenient but they aren't there when you need them. They are what I call fair-weather friends. I am the person that everyone calls when they need to talk, but when I have needed them...they are no where to be found. It's upsetting. I have decided that I am not going to dwell on this though. I know I am a loyal friend, I do not gossip - I hate gossip with a passion, and I would never ignore someone - especially someone I consider a friend; in good times and bad! I am not responsible for others lack of respect, loyalty, or ignorance.

I have taken on a new outlook during my self-find mission. "I can not control everything. I will deal with what I can control, and if I can't control it...I will take a few deep breaths and LET IT GO!" This is not always easy for someone who wants to control everything around me. Stress does bad things to me. Most people, when they get stressed, eat. I go to the other extreme. When I get stressed, I don't eat, I can't. I end up losing weight, and getting sick when I get too stressed. I don't have much to lose before I look horrible. As someone who is 5'2 and on average weighs about 110...it can be a really bad deal to get too stressed. I have always had an issue gaining weight, so to lose weight, causes more stress as I try to put some of it back on. Last year, putting on weight was a fairly easy task, since I had orders for baked goods most of the Winter. This year, I am struggling with getting time to just fix meals. This is yet another area I am working on...but not quite ready to say I have it figured out!

I have spent many years going along with different areas that I didn't necessarily agree with. It was easier to keep quiet, so I didn't start an argument that to voice my opinion and deal with the aftermath of a differing opinion. That is changing too. There are so many things I have differing opinions on, but I am not a vindictive person. I would never degrade someone about their opinions, even if I don't agree. I am going to be me, even if I'm not always the most tactful person. I have gotten to a point, when I have several things bugging me, I write a note to my husband. I know he cringes when I tell him I have written..or when he reads these blogs. Sometimes, ok...most of the time, my mind is moving so fast, that it's easier to write my thoughts so I can keep up with myself. I want to tell him everything I am thinking, but at the same time, we either have little ears that don't need to hear everything, there isn't ever a good time to have real conversations, or there are just too many thoughts in my head and it's easier to write them. He has been very patient with my moods, my writing, and even trying to support some of the things I am wanting to do. I know I trying his patience...most of the time. I give him credit for attempting to understand the chaos that has consumed me lately. Even my insistent need to control everything hasn't driven him crazy yet.

With all the chaos in my life, I am trying to get organized. My constant thoughts, learning new parts of my family history, the changes happening with my kids, the changes within my body, the remodeling projects, trying to find my niche in this big crazy world...it's sometimes too overwhelming. Finding a path that will allow me to continue to grow, to stay family oriented, and to be true to my own needs; is not an easy path. What I have found, is that even though so many people are struggling with some sort of issue, people don't want or have time to visit when it's not their issue. Honestly, people don't just visit anymore. I grew up before the internet and "smarter-than-me-phones," were such a momentous part of life. I grew up with family dinners, people got together with friends for no reason other than to visit, you would call/write a letter/or jump in a vehicle just to spend time together. Life wasn't handled through text messages, email or Facebook. While I think some of the new technology has allowed us to keep in touch with those we live a distance from, I am afraid that technology is making America even dumber. People don't know how to communicate anymore without technology. In my house, some of the new technology(i.e. computers, texts, tv) is being taken out of our schedules. I know it has some good points, but I am rapidly getting more frustrated with it.

I can't get all of my emotional chaos organized until we get more of our house organized. The way my house looks, is what my brain feels like! Living in your home, while you remodel, would try the patience of a saint!!! The constant uproar of moving stuff from one room to another, having stacks of stuff everywhere while you remodel, and not being able to really clean is driving me nuts! I know we will have a beautiful home when we are finished, right now it's complete aggravation!

As a last bit of conversation this morning, I was thrown a bit off again, with the whole jealousy thing. This is not something I have dealt with in life, or even in my relationships. I don't understand it, and when I talk to people that say things like, "my husband/wife wouldn't allow me to do (insert anything in here!), it sends off the deep end! I seriously don't understand how people can be so insecure that jealousy becomes an issue. I have spoken to several that have/do deal with it though. The spouses, whether it's husband or wife, can't talk to certain people, can't dance with someone of the opposite sex, can't wear certain clothes, or when they do their hair and make-up end up getting a ration of crap for doing it. The newest little "thing," was Saturday when a friend painted her nails, and her husband asked her why she was getting all dolled up, after several other remarks. Like I said, I do not deal with this, so I really don't understand it. My thought is: if you are secure enough in your relationships, you don't hide your activities, and you respect your partner...what the heck good does it do? If my husband wanted to mess around, I would not stand in his way. I have more respect for myself than that. Yep, I would be pissed, I would go through mass of emotions and be hurt. However, to be jealous, and tell him who he could or could not talk to; or to get pissed when he talks, flirts, dances or dresses up? Not going to happen! I won't allow anyone to tell me who I can or can not talk to, or what I can or can not do or wear! I still talk to several of my ex's, and even some of their wives. No one is going to tell me I can't. I have no desire to have a fling. Quite honestly...I have more respect for myself than that. I wouldn't allow myself to do something like that, when everyone I know that has, said the feelings after the fact are so horrible. In my house, we have an agreement. IF either of us feel that we need to mess around, we will tell each other. Yes, the conversation would probably be uncomfortable, but wouldn't the emotional effect of doing it behind their backs be worse? I would think it would be. I know several that have dealt with extra-marital affairs, and while most regret it, others just become more confused. These types of situations, do not always result in divorce/break ups, but some do and then what? How many people end up with the person they had affairs with? I don't know for sure, but many do not. I do know that many times, affairs happen when one partner or the other aren't getting what they need from the other. I know of 2, and both of them are the same...they are needing real attention, real conversation, and real quality time that they are not getting at home. While it's great to get very attention from the opposite sex, it's when you take it to the next level that you are not only lowering yourself, your standards, and causing yourself emotional chaos you don't need. I am not someone that will ever judge someone, for anything. I know that some feel they have just cause, and if it works for them...great. I just know that for me, I prefer solid, real relationships that don't hinge on lies. I will not ever judge anyone, for the choices they make, even when I have given them my thoughts. Everyone has their own thoughts, their own feelings, and their own goals.

Even in my darkest days, I am a confident person. I know my heart, my mind, and my emotions...even when I can't control emotions...I own them. I know it's my job to make myself happy, I know that until I can accept myself as I am, I can't expect anyone else to accept me. I also know that I have plenty of flaws, and I have done things that I shouldn't. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, though. We may not understand them, or like them but it's true. I know for me, my list of pros/cons for myself could go either way, depending on the day. I know that my mind changes, my emotions change, my expectations change...sometimes at the drop of a hat. I am, however, who I am. The good, bad and ugly! :) It's kind of freeing, to know that I can accept myself as I am, without degrading myself or belittling myself. It's a great feeling to know that even when I don't like my moods, I can accept them and find a way to deal with them.

So, now the coffee is gone, and I must get started with my new changes. I will write more about those later, but I am hoping that the changes will allow for a little extra time for me to explore some of the things I want. Wishing you all a great day!
~Sal~