Coffee Chat - 2/26/15 and 50 shades of disappointment

This blog is going to cover yet, a multitude of subjects that are settling on my mind.



To start this off, I have to say, I have a serious dislike of television, movies, and basically anything that takes productive time away from projects. I broke my own record of not going to a theater since 1995, this week. I believe the last movie I saw in a theater was Water World, with Jim Carrey. Since then, it just seems a waste of time and money, much like I view television. I broke this record after reading the trilogy, 50 Shades of Grey. Now, before I get any hate mail, I heard about these books for a long period of time before reading them...only to find out the majority of my generation, and of the older generations, had already read them. Anyway, I read the books. I found some of the repetitive grammar usage, and the overall story, had some issues it took me a bit to get past. However, if you can just read and take the erotic parts with a grain of salt, the overall story is good. I have heard and seen so many reviews of the harsher sides of these books, and to some degree, I agree. There is a huge taboo subject of bondage, dominance, and innocence that many are not prepared to admit exist, and have grown for many years. Yes, some believe that these books and now movie, portray domestic violence and abuse. This is also to some degree true. It also portrays a consensual relationship, that some people choose to enter. For some people, this may be the only way they know. For me, personally, hearing conversations about the books had me more curious than anything. I wondered why people would read a book described as erotic, conflicting, and full of taboo subjects. I understand, after reading it, that there are definitely a myriad of areas that people will crawl out of the woodwork to degrade/endorse. The books were, overall, fun to read. When you look at these books as just that...a fictional writing, from an author in a country that isn't worried about hypocritical judgments from people that would rather stay in a bubble of blissful ignorance, than to understand and accept that these types of lifestyles are out there. On to my view, from the much hyped movie. I was very disappointed in the movie. After reading the books, and hearing that the movie would only contain a Rated R rating, I was certain that the majority of the books would be thrown to the wayside. While there were several scenes that were following the books, the movie bounced around too much, left out too many of the scenes that set up the overall story line, the actor who portrayed Christian looked NOTHING like he was described in the books, neither did the best friend, brother, or sister. The actress who played Ana, did an amazing job, and couldn't have been more fit for the part! The scenes seemed rushed to me, many of the creative conversations were left out, the sex scenes were pathetic at best, and the final scene of the movie just pissed me off! It's no wonder, after that scene, that the domestic violence creepers, came out of the wood work. Seriously, the director of the movie and the screen play writer did NOT do these books any justice! I honestly felt, that I wasted time and money to go to this movie. The only good thing I can say is that Dakota Johnson, nailed her part with 100% perfection.

Now, to another subject, one that touches me everyday of my life...Parenting. It's more like a mini circus, that contains more monkeys than entertainment value! ;) I have spent the better part of 14 years, as a stay-at-home Mom. Before I go on, I am going to touch on the many comments I hear regularly! Let's start: "It must be nice to be home all the time, it must be nice not to have to work, I don't know how you can spend so much time with your kids, how can you afford not to work, I would go crazy spending so much time at home," These are just a few! So, let's address these first. Yes, it is nice to be able to stay at home. I, mostly, enjoy my time at home, and not having to go to a paying job. I love spending time with my kids! While I still need an occasional break from them, the time I have with my kids is so limited since they grow up so fast, that I value our time. Affording not to work a paying job, is not easy! It requires a lot of sacrifices, pinching pennies at every corner, not having brand new everything or the latest or greatest. It means not eating out on a regular basis, having to budget not only money but time for everything. It means that sometimes, you have to go with out or do things the old fashioned way - and save for a period of time, in order to do. Yes, there are days, I feel like I am going to go stir crazy! I feel like if I have to spend one more day starring at the same 4 walls, I am going to go postal! Those are the days we go for a walk, or work out in the yard, make a trip grocery shopping, or if we have saved enough...we might make a trip somewhere. So, here is my take on being a stay-at-home Mom. I have a job, one of high importance, and huge rewards, and some disappointments too. The biggest thing is, my job doesn't pay, at least not in the dollars and cents sort of way. It pays with hugs, a strong and solid bond with my kids, a root and support system for my family, and the pride of raising my kids the fittest way I see possible. Now, my full-time job isn't one where I leave home for a commute, or have a "boss" to answer to really. I do have children and a husband that have needs, wants, and require food 3 times a day, clean clothes, school work, doctor appointments, extra-curricular activities, livestock,finances, organization, time management, playing referee, and sometimes the mediator too. For me, it meant giving up many of the things I wanted to allow for the time, attention and finances of being a stay-at-home-Mom. It has also given the biggest blessing ever! I have such a strong and unique bond with each of my kids, we home school so I am given the opportunity to adjust our schooling to match my kids learning styles, we are able to use everyday situations as learning lessons, and many of our study units incorporate everyday life too. We do our school work year round to allow days off when attitudes aren't good, there's illness, or trips to take. As far as being a stay-at-home-parent...it's a circus around here all day, everyday! While each day is different, they are also the same. between chores, school work, the kids battling or trying to concoct a plan to make a plea for something they want, teaching life skills such as cooking, cleaning he bathroom, laundry, how to budget, etc. we never have a boring day. There are days when I play referee from daylight to dark, or have to mediate some drama, but usually the kids share the strong bond that I have with each of them. So, YES! I love being home even when I am ready to pull my hair out. Yes, this full-time, non-paying job I have may not seem like much to some, but it means the world to me. Yes, I live in a 3-ring circus all day everyday, and even though I may complain sometimes...I wouldn't give it up for the world. I enjoy my few breaks when the kids go to grandmas or great-grandmas, but I miss my kids when they aren't here.

I work hard to be a good parent and wife. I don't always succeed. There are days that the circus gets the better me and I just want to throw a fit like my kids have thrown all day. Or days my husband comes home from babysitting his mechanics and takes his bad mood out on us here, and I want to kick his butt and then kick theirs! There's days that my husband and I look at each other, and just shake our heads and agree to disagree. There are days when 4 different personalities, are all different, and none of us can get along, and those are the days you can usually see the mushroom cloud above our house...doors are slamming, stuff is flying, and we all spend a day without really speaking to each other. There are other days when we, as a family, can work side-by-side, and everything goes smoothly. I have learned that communication is a huge key to keeping relationships alive and well. Not just between a husband and wife, but also with kids. Being able to effectively communication, is the MOST important aspect in any conversation. I'm talking; not placing blame when you argue, not using gossip/rumors as topics of real conversations, using knowledge instead of ignorance to fight fairly, not being closed minded to the beliefs of someone else, and being able to say exactly what you think without being afraid of what the other person will think of you. Many times, as I have gotten older, I have dealt with all of this, and from my own experience, lessons learned, and desire to better myself...I have learned more than I ever would have dreamed.

Relationships are HARD work, and it doesn't matter what type of relationship it is; partners, children, friends,extended family, it's work...every single day. When my control issues get the better of me, it becomes even harder! From everything I have studied, my control issues came from being the eldest child, feeling that too many issues were beyond my control, and needing to have a handle on everything that touches my life. Yes, this was a doctor's opinion. Whatever caused it or if I was just born this way, I get overwhelmed when my life feels out-of-control. Which, anyone with a husband and child/children will tell you is everyday! The older I get the more overwhelming/out-of-control my life has gotten. So, you can imagine the battles in my house. That control issue goes along with needing organization in the life around me to feel organized in this frantically moving brain of mine. When my house is in chaos, or now as we are trying to live in our house while remodeling and everything is a mess, my brain feels even more chaotic than normal. It throws off my ability to let stuff roll off my back, it cause my sleep patterns to be off, and I tend to be much more critical. I have learned so much about relationships in the past 17 years that makes me view them on several levels. On the partner side, those are always more difficult. You have 2 different people trying to co-mingle their lives, and learn to function together. While relationships always have different phases they go through, I think that many of them go through some unnecessary hardships because of the lack of real communication. Talking about surface issues such as the weather, jobs, friends, extended family, or some television show...do not accord to having a real communication. Real communication, as mentioned earlier, is being able to fight fairly, being truthful to the person you've chosen as your partner, sharing your hopes, dreams, goals and ambitions. It's finding a compromise that fulfills both partners needs without placing blame or rehashing old arguments. It's being able to listen to all the surface issues, and knowing that your partner or you are facing some other issue without having actually voiced it. It's knowing that your partner is upset, angry or fuming by their body language, voice, their communication patterns, or any other non-verbal means. It's understanding that, in my case, your partner will hold a lot of their stresses in, until they just can't hold anymore. Then they are going to blow a gasket, throw stuff, cuss, rant & rave, all before finally telling you what the underlying problem is. As a story I read the other day stated, sometimes what I am throwing a fit about, isn't really what it's about. For me, I can take a lot of crap. I will keep most of my thoughts and opinions to myself until I can no longer hold it all in. Then, watch out. Because everything someone has done, or said, is going to be brought up and once I'm mad....I'm mad for a long period of time...sometimes, months! It may take me a long time to get there, but it's not pretty when I do.

As I have spent nearly 16 years with my husband, we have found areas that cause us grief. Mainly it's differing opinions. While I am the type to say, "to each their own, as long as they aren't hurting me or my kids." He is more of a person to let little stuff roll off his back, or to let the bigger stuff build inside until he's ready to burst. I am a deep thinker. I do not look at stuff from inside a box, and I don't want to. I look for the most unique way of dealing with stuff, and if it means a little less work for me, then I'm all in! As I have recently told him, from my perspective, he's more an all in or all out, type of guy. There is no moderation for him. He's either going at something full bore or not at all. Once he decides, the not at all avenue, that's just it...he's done. For me, I have a million things I would love to do, places I would love to go, sights I would love to see, and interests I would love to explore. I have a profound need to constantly learn. I am always ready to learn something new, even if it intimidates me. My husband is one of those people that can do anything, and that too is a bit intimidating. I have a few areas that I am good at, but there are plenty of things I can't do. Sadly enough, some our most real conversations with the most truthful words; are now done by text messages. Since I nearly always, have the kids and he's busy with his job, our main means of communicating has become those conversations that we have have, privately, through text messages. Without little ears, or big ears for that matter. Without any concern for what someone else might hear and twist into some sort of stupid rumor.

I am not a fan of technology, and honestly...it ticks me off daily, but it can be a means of mediation. I have had to make some requests for limits on technology; no texts during supper, an hour a night without the television, cell phones, or computer. It can be useful under the right circumstances too. I do get frustrated that people can not count back change when you go to a store, or the employees can't do even elementary work without some sort of technology, even some of the newer vehicles are so computerized that it takes just short of a rocket scientist to fix.

I get frustrated with the small mindedness I read online and hear in conversations. So many have the belief, that they know all and are "entitled" to more than they deserve. People like to stir the shit pot, but don't want to deal with the outcome. They want to gossip and spread rumors, but if there is something said about them they whine and act like the world is ending. Then you have the whole job/skill issue. Honestly, when I was growing up, you worked to learn something, then it was your choice to go to college or not, or to go on to a job and EARN a living. Obviously, the more you knew, the better you got paid. You didn't get to cry discrimination, or foul, because you were under-educated for a job or were not some sort of minority. You were either qualified or you weren't. Those that were got the job, got paid for the job they did, and that was that. Those that weren't either found a different job or learned the job, and moved up the ladder on skills, and knowledge; not because you were a woman, black, hispanic or Native. If you weren't educated for a job you didn't get it, period! You worked at your job, did the best you could, for a decent wage, moved up the ladder if you were capable and you held that job most of your life. On the other hand, if you got a job and failed to do it correctly, didn't show up, didn't call, or became incompetence of doing that job, you were fired. There was none of the molly-coddle of giving a second, third, or more chances. If you wanted a job: you show up, if you can't be there you called, if you did your job wrong you were either fired or demoted...and pay went with it. If you excelled in your job, you were rewarded. Your pay went up, your benefits went up, and so did your bonuses. Now, too many people expect a job making $10 or more an hour, that they don't know how to do...but lie their way through their interview, only to work a short period then start calling off or just not showing up. Then they screw up the jobs they are meant to do, and start crying foul when they are confronted. Honestly, it's probably a good thing I don't work in corporate America anymore, especially management! I would not be a real well liked person!

I am not an expert at anything, but there aren't too many things I won't try. I do the best I can with the skills I have...and it works for me, for now. I love a few of the areas that I have pursued more education in, and am quite capable of getting back into a work force, should I ever need to. I guess that's the difference of growing up the way I did, and the way a big part of society is today. My kids are being raised the way I was, with the exception of teaching them to pursue what they love and what makes them happy, as a career. While my relationship is better than a lot, it still has areas of conflict and major break-downs in communications. I am always a Mom, first and foremost. I am not afraid of hard work.

I am chasing my dreams with education and hands-on learning and doing. Between the continuous study of Natural Health, learning medical transcription editing, teaching my kids, building furniture, and doing photography work; I'm pretty certain that "just a stay-at-home-mom," doesn't describe me.

So, that's my thoughts for today, all rolled into this blog. Now, it's time for me to get to work!
Just 10 more days until Daylight Savings Time, and 22 more days until the official start to Spring!

~Salli~