We have all experienced more advice, being told what is right or wrong, and experiencing our own thoughts of how life should go. Now, to be fair, most advice comes from well meaning people and their perspectives. However, unless the advice you receive comes from someone living your exact life...they do not know what goes on behind closed doors.
We can all give surface advise. It's based on what we see, hear, or are told; but there is usually more to the story. Not that people are liars, but there is usually stories that build up over time and as a result, the 5 minute story is actually a story that's been building for days, weeks or even months. Thus, the lead up to the current problem you are facing could very well, give more insight even if we don't realize it.
I have known several that are facing relationship issues; whether it was a strain in the relationship or the verge of a divorce. Either way, the stories are the same, they aren't happy within their relationships. I can tell you, reading all the online advice, that is so readily available, is almost sickening. The articles are everywhere; "making your spouse happy should make you happy," "give your relationship over to God," "is your man worth your time," "the type of woman worth marrying." These articles are written and posted online like relationships are cut and dry. There is seriously, NOTHING cut and dry about relationships. Relationships are hard. They require constant work, constant effort and yes, sometimes...relationships aren't meant to work.
I have been given a rare gift. One of trying to see "both sides of a story." I am by no means an expect...quite frankly, I don't believe there is a single "expert" out there! Every person is different, and to honestly be an expert, you'd have to know every single person, their personality, their upbringing, their entire person. It's not going to happen, so all the supposed "experts," try to speak in general terms - "if a person behaves this way, they COULD be doing this or that." Here's a thought...if they are behaving a certain way, maybe that's just who they are?! The one that kills me, are the articles about affairs. "Your spouse may be cheating if one of these 7 signs are present." Here's a thought. If your relationship is to the point of worrying about affairs...you need to speak directly with your partner and figure out between the two of you if your relationship can be salvaged! When you start involving outside influences, you are asking for more trouble!
When you are in a turbulent relationship, once again, it's up to the two people involved to solve the problem. Can you each deal with each others quirks, can you find a common ground that you can both find happiness or is one of you constantly giving up your dreams. Relationships, as I said earlier, are hard work. Many of us get into the rut of being overly comfortable. We know all the schedules, routines, or expectations of our partners. For those with children, we tend to throw our time and energy into caring for the kids, paying bills, keeping up with household chores, but neglect our partners. Relationships by traditional meaning, are supposed to be a partnership with our significant other, although more people are choosing more of a business type of agreement for the "convenience" of marriage. While I personally do not understand how marriage is any type of convenience, those arrangements are out there. Now, I will tell you, relationships that involve abuse of any kind, need to be terminated. No one deserves to be physically, emotionally or verbally abused, EVER!!!!
Having seen so much turmoil in relationships has had me questioning what seems to be causing so much distress? While I am not an expert on anything, and I write only what I feel from my heart, I've really wondered how they've changed. Many of us grew up with grandparents that had spent decades together. I know my grandparents had issues, and arguments, but they always seemed to work through them. Then my generation, became desensitized enough to accept the divorce epidemic. Divorce became easier to get, and was no longer a taboo subject. It gave everyone a readily available "out", when they didn't want to work through problems. However, those that had children and went through a divorce, didn't realize the emotional trauma that came along with that dissolution of marriage. As a child of the divorce generation, dividing loyalties and time between parents taught me several unhealthy coping mechanisms that hinders my own outlook on my marriage.
Growing up in that generation, I learned to turn off emotions, and became a pretty cold person. I don't trust easily, and I never depend on anyone other than myself...even 31 years later. When I let my guard down, and start depending on people, I get let down, hurt and then angry. I am pretty good at keeping my vulnerabilities to myself and it's very rare that anyone ever sees the real me. Even if they do, it's very short lived before I put those walls back up. I refuse to use all this as a crutch though. I may have some pretty deep scars, trust and control issues, and put others first; but it doesn't make me weak, I don't feel that everyone owes me something(they don't!), or that I am going to treat my kids the way I was.
I have seen so many that have done that, used there upbringing as an excuse to be assholes. They behave so badly, treat people horribly, have no concept of respect and if they have children...they treat those kids as bad or worse than they were. There have been women I have known that have been unhappy in their relationships, chosen to end their relationships, only to find out the grass is not greener on the other side. However, they weren't any happier in their relationships than they were after their post marriage relationships. They thing I see, is there is a whole lot of people that are severely unhappy within themselves. They have believed that their partners should make them happy; but when they don't, the relationship is broken.
As a woman with a little insight, when I am unhappy with myself and my goals/dreams aren't being met, it makes me unhappy. When I allow others to use me, disrespect me, or I do not take the time I need to recharge, chase my own dreams and goals, or even find time to just enjoy some of the things I love; I become unhappy and it causes many issues. However, on another taboo area, I think relationships are multifaceted in needs. While there is not a single perfect relationship, there are things that I believe every relationship needs. Every single one of us must deal with decisions, finances, sex, careers, children and extended families. Individually, the needs are fairly simple to handle. However, as most of you know, 9 times out of 10, many areas are thrown at us daily. Throw in education, children's activities, and the current need for society to label/judge every move everyone makes; and you have a recipe for disaster when it comes to relationships...and I'm not even going to touch the online dating crap!
I don't have answers, I'm not even going to offer advice, because frankly, I don't know. I can tell you from my own experiences in life, that relationships have one hell of a roller coaster ride. Many times that ride, the ups and downs, come daily; while other times it's more like a seasonal change. The choices need to be made when that ride is no longer tolerable. When it's tolerable or not, is a time only you will know. Once again, I feel it's highly important that you have open communication in your relationship. You and your partner will not agree on everything, and honestly, you probably won't agree on much. There will be seasons of growth for each of you, sometimes those seasons will pass without much more than a few cross words; other times, it may be the end of a relationship as you and/or your partner grow.
We each make choices for ourselves in the moment, that fit our lives at the time. However, if we are all honest, we change and grow all the time. Sometimes, our changes coincide with our partners growth, but sometimes they don't, which can hinder our own growth. Unfortunately, society has become very judgmental and seems to have to put a label on everything. For me, I feel that by putting a label on anything, limits it. You've heard "helicopter mom, working mom, stay-at-home-mom," Here's a thought...we are all MOMS! We all work hard, maybe in different ways, but we all work hard. We love our children and want what's best for them. Quit labeling each other, and do not judge others by the chapter of their lives you've walked in on.
Salli
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