My 47th chapter has begun. It's incredible to think about how much has changed in just my 47 years. I can't imagine what it's like for those older than me. If you have read my social media, you know my deep thinking has me in kind of a strange spot. I spend a lot of time thinking, learning and going within myself. Most of the time, I am quite happy being just me and not socializing. People tend to ruin my people skills..rather quickly! 😏
I have spent 2 years in kind of a weird position. Knowing I do not trust anyone fully, but trusting some more than others. Sadly, even when my intuition screams at me, I don't always listen. I tend to give too many chances, always believing there is good in everyone. Sometimes, even though I know there is, the actions presented do not reflect the words. So, we all know we can talk a good game. The proof is in the pudding, as the phrase goes. When actions don't reflect words, you have to pay attention. Unfortunately, I have seen this too many times, first hand.
God knows I am no where near perfect. I have made my share of mistakes, made more than enough stupid decisions, and been plenty judgemental. This weird spot, is that I am trying to learn and grow more everyday. I want to be and do better. I don't want to blindly just exist. I'm not happy with mundane. I have enough down times, but I don't want to camp out in negativity nor spend all my efforts there. Rather than whine about issues, make excuses, etc., I want to fix things. I want to excel and be better. In my own pursuits, I've found that my inner circle has gotten so small. I haven't found enough other people that are doing their own growth. I've had negative responses from others as I reach out to find like minded people, on both the outside and within my household. It's difficult to do your own growing when you have plenty of others not willing or able to do the same.
That brings me to my very personal and usually not talked about life. Life for me seems to be a 3-ring circus at any given moment. I have 5-6 people living within my house, and 3 that live on my property. That makes for 8-9 people constantly in ear. I will not complain because I love my family/extended family, but it makes me crazy. For 23-24 years, I have spent my life in Missouri, and most of that has been spent dealing with stuff alone. Most of that time, was raising kids and learning to be a "farmers wife." It meant going from break-neck speed with everyone in my extended family know my every move to moving at turtle speed and feeling isolated. It was a massive transition that I didn't handle well for about the first 10 years. In that time, I dealt with cancer, having 2 kids, lots of arguments, and basically a one foot out the door at all times attitude. It was exhausting; mentally and physically. I had a few years that weren't too bad. They were comfortable and I will dare say even fun. Then, we had another major transition, and that was a disaster! Thank God, it was only a couple years and we ended up back to what feels like home to me. The past 3 years, have been a shit-ton of work and reevaluation. Then we were slammed with nearly 2 years of this virus B.S. Which included nearly 6 months of unemployment(an a loss of income...not sure who got to enjoy that "extra money" it wasn't us!), and now we are still trying to get caught back up from that. It was taking on extra debt to try to get to a point of making ends meet...somewhere. Then the prices began increasing everywhere but our income did not. Then we agreed to let a family member put a camper here while they worked on a rental, then the rental fell through and there weren't any other options available before it got cold. So, now we have a tiny house with usage of our utilities on the property; and I have more energies hitting me from more sides. It's not a problem...just a difficult adjustment for me. To be blunt, I just have too much on my plate, not enough time, not enough energy, and ZERO time alone. People truly do not understand when I say I don't get time alone...I really don't!! I am responsible for one child and myself, but have the weight and energy of 9 people all day, everyday! If I am not cooking or cleaning, I am attempting to teach, attempting to learn, taking care of the animals that give me a much needed release, trying to keep up with my parents, friends when I can, budgeting, meal plannings, grocery planning, my husband's business stuff, attempting to remember meetings I should be attending, or a million other things. I'm freaking tired!!! Most days it's a struggle to maintain at least an ok attitude...not even going to attempt a good one right now. And of everything I have mentioned...none of it includes making time for my husband, let alone making time for myself. I have constantly got people talking at me. I have constantly got energies draining me, and attitudes affecting me.
How do you tell people, nicely, to get the "F" away from you so you can think? While I am known for being blunt/straight forward...I do not like to be rude or ignorant. I do not like to be negative, since that plays into my own emotional health. I work very hard to not fall into the negativity trap. I am constantly striving to find light in even negative/dark situations. However, I'm finding myself slipping into that direction. I am aware of this, so I know I will just work harder to avoid that dark hole....but it's draining. I don't like to behave rudely, it makes me feel like shit. When I do snap, and behave that way, it weighs on me. I don't want to hurt anyone, but at the same time, I ask myself if anyone else feels the same. It seems that people are quick to be rude, condescending and manipulative; yet when you return the behavior...you are the ass. Honestly, I am ready to throw my hands in the air and tell everyone they are on their own. Will I? Probably not, that's NOT who I am.
In the past several years, I have slowly had to learn who I am...not as a wife, or mom...or any of the other hats I wear, but ME as a person. Some of what I have learned has been good, some not-so-much. I've had to accept that who I am, does not mean that others will respect/accept/like me. No big deal on that front for me. I'm not worried about others opinion of me. Honestly, that is my least concern. What I do care about is, do I like me? Am I doing/being the best I can? I am staying true to who I am? Am I accepting who I am and comfortable in my own skin? The short answer: yes and no. I've found myself in situations that I should have never been in, I've found myself in situations that I could have done more and some I should have followed my instincts instead of disregarding them. I've found that people can only accept you, if you fit in their vision of who you should be. Other situations that were slowly taken away from the original view and the new view was not in line. For me to me, I have to accept all of who I am. Some is good, some not, some changes as I learn and grow, and some falls off to the side.Not everyone is who we are, and that has been one of the hardest lessons for me. People are no longer striving for integrity, common courtesy, or even transparency. So much and many have become greedy, self-indulged and controlling.
As I have learned more, it has forced me to grow. I have had to take off the blinders of simply following the masses. Honestly, this journey began for me in 2012, sort of. I guess a big portion began in 2012...it truly began in 2000, with the birth of my first child. However, I had a major kick in the ass in 2016, and again in 2020. When the Universe wants you to pay attention, it will shove you if you don't! The signs will become so obvious that you won't be able to ignore them, the longer it takes you to open your eyes. I believe we have generational issues that seep down, the longer we neglect to face them. Whether that be abuse, neglect, or whatever. While I tend to laugh, a regular phrase in my house is, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Sadly, that is not always a good thing. Sometimes the hurts, emotional traumas, poor decisions, etc, are excused because "that's just a family trait." Well, I'm tired of the acceptance of excuses for not being the best human we can be. We allow others to treat us poorly, take us for granted, use us, and manipulate us; because we excuse their behaviors as family traits or not knowing better. That is quite frankly, a crock! When we allow others to treat us like we don't matter, like we are just "expected" to do things, or made to feel guilty for trying to change those behaviors....we are accepting this and even consenting to it. WRONG!!! Just stop! Go back to the Golden Rule: Treat others in the manner in which you wish to be treated! It is NOT a difficult concept! I am guilty of this myself. I have allowed myself to be used, manipulated, taken for granted, and the battering ram for any and all.
I am just beginning my 47th year on this crazy world. I do not make resolutions, because I don't keep them. I do, however, set goals. Every single year, around my birthday, I reevaluate those goals. I look at what I have accomplished, what I haven't and what I want to. I see what has worked, what hasn't and what I need to do to change that. I am once again going over all this. It could take me a day, week or who knows how long, but I am reevaluating all of it. I am looking at every single aspect of my life. I know this year has been a massive struggle for me. I have lost or let go of a lot of stuff and people. I have learned that even those closest to me, don't know me. That may very well be my own fault. I have found myself withdrawing more and more all year, and no one seems to notice...if they do they don't question it. I've found this year to be very humbling and even more crushing. Yet, in all this reflection, I know what matters most to me...that is my family. Even though they tend to be some of the negative energies, they are still my world.
As I move forward, I pray this year of my life brings me some balance and peace. I'm not good at "faking it till you make it." I tend to show expressions without even trying. I am working toward being a better a person, each and every day. I may struggle and have rough patches, but I will never give up. I come from a long line of strong women, I just have to find my place in that line.
Thanks for another year, and I hope you will keep up with me throughout the coming year. It will undoubtedly be an adventure.
Salli
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