"There's a storm brewing in my heart and mind."
I spend a lot of time in thought, and thinking before I speak. Many times, I will stew about things or spend more time researching information to be certain, before opening my mouth. I take time to attempt to understand different points of view, even if I disagree with them. I give too many second chances, and benefit of the doubts. I don't always succeed in being neutral or diplomatic. I am stubborn and strong willed.
Many times over the years, I have wondered if the good I have tried to do, would ever circle back. Although, it seems that every improvement/betterment I've tried to make, has come back to bite me. That is not to say I haven't had many blessings. While I have plenty of areas that I wish were better, I feel I deserve better; there are things that I know how fortunate I am to have. Sometimes, the negativity overrules me, and it is not my own...rarely I am actually negative. It's the negativity around me, that plays a great deal into my own functions. I wonder how many others have experienced this? Whether it be children, spouse, extended family, friends, or employment. The people we surround ourselves with, eventually will determine our own outlooks. I've heard this from some incredibly successful people, but really never put the pieces together.
I think the past 4-5 years, as I grew increasingly discouraged by the direction of our national debt, the extremism of government involvement in other country's conflicts, the politicians constantly getting richer while the average working American was seeing more hardships...I began talking more about being prepared, and paying off debts, and living within your means. These are all things I have attempted to do for a long time. While some people I have conversations with are fortunate to have their family support, spouse support, or a community to interact with...I don't have that support, per se. My family tolerates my preparations and doesn't "tell me no," as I've heard some people discuss, but they don't hear what I tell them either. Many people do not grasp the concept that just because you have a little bit extra money, you don't need to spend it. The idea of having an emergency stash -be it food, cash, supplies, whatever; is "stupid." The idea of saving, keeping and fixing something old instead of buying newer, or making due with what you already have - is foreign. I have not understood the need to keep up with anyone, have the latest/greatest gadgets, or spend stupidly. There are things I find more importance in.
I have really focused on my family for quite a few years. I had the need to make sure my children never questioned their importance to me, their priority in my life, or my love for them. From the beginning, I have raised my children with the thought, "be the parent I needed when I was growing up." I never wanted my children to question their value in my life, my love for them, or my dedication to them. So, on this path, I have spent most of my children's lives as a stay-at-home Mom. Now that my children are older, I often wonder "what now?" I know many women reach the same stage in their lives. Whether it be considered empty nest or mid-life crisis...I believe it is something more than that. Many women spend a good portion of their lives juggling a family and career. Once you reach a certain age, your life goals begin to shift and your outlook does too.
Throughout our lives, especially when we have spouses or partners, you find that your relationships also ebb & flow. You may spend some time feeling it is the two of you against the world, the next instance it's you against your partner or a partner can make things difficult to get through. I've seen a lot of relationships end when the life shifts begin to happen. Sadly, many couples end up growing separately instead of growing together. No one really is at fault, but the directions change and they are no long able to find a commonality to allow for growth together. Some are able to struggle through it, while many are not. Whether that be because they don't want or aren't able to; I don't know that answer. What I can say, from just being observant, is that getting into a comfort zone or rut in relationships can upend the apple cart without the effort of those involved, being willing to communicate. When there is no communication, no efforts made to find commonalities, or even for intimacy; this can fall into that rut that is difficult to climb out of. For me, it's difficult to not try to communicate. However, I'm certain that I am not the only who has experienced the whole, technology being put as a priority. Television, social media, and the likes have taken over our society. I know when I can sit for more than 3 hours a day, not talking to anyone because everyone is watching the noise box or on their phones...it's a little depressing. Having conversations with yourself gets pretty old.
Being in that stage of wondering what now, I can't help but question a lot. Maybe some of you are there too, maybe not. For me, I am wondering when did life lose it's flare? When did I stop making time for the things I enjoy? How can I love my life and lifestyle while questioning my happiness? When did my own spark leave? Sadly, having any deep conversation isn't normal around my home anymore. So, today, these are thoughts weighing on my mind.
No comments:
Post a Comment