The "firsts" without you

 

 

The year of first holidays since we lost you. It is somber but I see so much, so different.  

Yes, I am missing you, terribly! Our weekly phone calls, knowing you'd be here for every possible gathering, surprising me by showing up for my birthday, and even the many times of hearing "Salli Ann, or Sal, you need to hear me out on this." I can't tell you how many times I reached for the phone or even dialed your number looking for direction. How many times since that dreadful day, I have prayed for you show me a sign that you are still around or guide me through the difficult times.  

I honestly can't even begin to explain the hole in my life that was my Dad. We had the first Thanksgiving, our first Open House, our first Christmas party, and Christmas, my birthday and New Year's is still coming. As I said, I miss my Dad so much, and some days are worse than others, but I can't hold sadness. Loss, absolutely, he left a hole in the lives of not just his children but so many of our family members and dear friends. Instead of focusing on that sadness, I have pushed to bring family together, to pray often for his guidance but also for his peace, and to do all I can to make him proud. To keep bringing family together, to try to keep his kids close, to carry on many of the things we would talk about. I have moments of sadness and still battle with tears daily, but I can't bring myself to dwell on the sadness. He always told me to take a moment for whatever was upsetting, but then you had to pick yourself back up and keep moving forward. 

Dad battled with health issues, especially the last several years. Selfishly, I wish he were here because I still needed him, but he was called home because he completed whatever mission he had here. I know in my heart, that he is not suffering anymore, he isn't spending more time in the hospital than at home anymore. He can now rest, he can now be at peace. We never have enough time with our loved ones. To have the time to hug him and tell him how much he is loved again, that would be amazing...but I told him constantly. I might have to give him crap for several things, if I was to talk to him again, but he'd expect it. He always said I was him in the female version, although sometimes I'm not sure that was a compliment.  

So, as the year draws to a close, and many of the hard "firsts" have come before us...I know there will be moments of pause and probably a few tears too. For those that have been so sweet to message me, text me or send me letters; know that I am ok. After all, I am my father's daughter. I will persevere through the challenges, and I will do all I can to honor my Dad, my hero.