I'm not angry anymore.

For years I have gotten angry over things that have gone against my plans, thoughts, and ideals. I have held on to that anger and let it changed my typical demeanor of trying to find a positive learning experience from all things in my life, into one of constant anger. I have let the ignorance and stupidity of others affect my own persona.

The past 4 years have been a time of growing for me. For whatever reason, my own growth - spiritual, mind, body and soul; has taken a pretty wild ride. I have shared so much through my blogs, but there is an entire of world of stuff, that I have not. Some of it has been too personal, and some of it is just not shared to spare any more uprising with some I have to be around on a regular basis. These years of growing in leaps and bounds, is still continuing, but on more of an even ground now.

The anger, disappointment, judgments, and outside influence; has waned. It has become just white noise, back ground noise. The lessons I have learned, however, are forefront in my brain though. Instead of anger, I am now turning to the acceptance of other emotions. So many times, the anger I felt toward a situation or person, was more of disappointment, or disbelief. So many years of letting others use me as a door mat, or verbal beating post; shut me down. It left me feeling like I was never good enough, never accepted, was always making a wrong choice, or being the brunt of judgment. As the past 4 years have shown me, not only did I begin to shut down, withdraw, and close off my heart and life to everyone; it has also shown me that many of those I have associated with are the ones not worthy of my time. It's through my own growth, that I have realized that when someone has to make someone else feel so poorly; it's the one behaving so poorly that has the problem. The trouble with those that behave so badly, are typically the ones who have a low self-esteem, or who are so miserable they feel it necessary to make others miserable with them. This goes completely against the type of person, I had been most of my life. However, after years of hearing such rubbish, you begin to believe it. You begin to question your worth, your value, and your choices. You end up falling into their trench with them. Your own aura, and mind set, throws you into the same wave length as those who are miserable. Then the snowball effect takes over. They are miserable, negative, and have no self-esteem; therefore you begin to lose yours. You begin attracting those types of people instead of the true types of people you are meant to attract. Your entire person has been led off track by the people commonly referred to as "energy vampires." These are the people that within minutes of being around drain your energy. They have to constantly gossip, bring in some sort of negativity, or do something to negate your efforts. It's these energy vampires, if you are around them long enough, suck the life, spirit and visions you have from yourself.

After so many years of energy vampires, I was in a bad spot in my own life. I have always been a strong-willed, hard-headed and determined person. I was always the type of person that lived by the theory, "tell me I can't do something, and I will do it, just to prove you wrong!" Although I can not pinpoint the exact time frame that my own personality began to change, I can tell you exactly when it came to a head and I was bowled over. The exact moment when it felt like I had been hit by a Mack truck, and then it backed up and did it again. That moment was October 11, 2012. I honestly believe that there were signs leading to that moment, but the night was the beginning of this horrifically challenging few years. It was that night, I began to get a very clear picture of what I had allowed myself to become. It was that night, that I realized the type of people I had allowed into my life, and had begun to be like. I had began to blame everyone else for the horrible mess my brain was in, it was that night, that I realized how far off course my life had become. So for that, I suppose I should thank the person that opened my eyes. Since then, my journey to rediscover myself has been endless.

Just since I began writing this post, it has become so clear on so many aspects of my life. That night was the Universe's wake up call for me, only I didn't realize it then. It was that night that began this remarkable journey. I honestly do not blame anyone for as far off course as my life had gotten, it was my own fault for allowing it to happen. I chose to let others dictate my life for me, instead of living it in a manner that was my own. Instead of standing up for my beliefs, values and desires; I bowed down to allow for less arguing, fighting, and have some sort of peace in a life that I didn't fit in. In all honesty, a moment of time, many years ago now, should have taught me something. That moment of time should have opened my eyes, but I tried to look past it. That was my mistake, and not one I will ever make again. Although there have moments that should have been caught instantly, they weren't. I believe, 4 years ago, I was beginning to open my eyes and see the forest through the trees. But it was 3 years ago, that a harsh lesson caused my world to crumble at my feet. These few years have been torturous, and downright hell, for me. To have your world tossed onto its head, tends to send you stumbling. Unfortunately, that stumbling and shift of energy has affected my marriage. He has been truly an amazing sounding board, has supported me through every realization, and even tries to understand when the thoughts are moving at lightening speed and I can't slow them down. He has become one the best friends I could ask for. Even with all of this, there is an undercurrent that we must deal with. There is something that is just off. We will work on this together, and find a solution. One thing I can say about the 2 of us, is that we work great as a team.

So many of the areas that have caused my life to shift on its axis, has been by my own doing. I have allowed the energy vampires to step in and alter the course of the life I live. I have allowed other opinions, thoughts, and words to shake me to my core. These past few years though, all these things have ultimately caused me to shut down. By shutting down, I mean that I have continually added layers to the wall I have always kept around me. Shutting down has caused me not to be angry anymore, but to move towards really not caring either. It hit this morning, by moving into the spot I am in, has directly changed my attitude once again. By not getting angry, the emotion has left, the desire to continue on some paths has also left. The only sure path I have in this exact moment, is that I will do whatever is necessary to protect my children. Living in a fight or flight pattern for the better part of 15 years, is exhausting. Dealing with the fallout every time something happens with my children, is exhausting, and constantly playing referee behind the scenes, is ridiculous!

Even though I am no longer angry, I am done. I am done dealing with those people and situations that drain my energy. I am done dealing things that try to cage my spirit. I am done feeling trapped, not valued, and not worthy of respect. I AM DONE! From this moment on, anyone that chooses to be around myself or my kids; will respect our choices, respect our life and unless asked...we don't want your opinions either!

I have accepted so much less in life that I want or deserve. I am no longer willing do so. I have a spirit that is bigger than anything I could ever describe. Allowing my wings to be broken, has also allowed my spirit to be grounded. My creativity has all but evaporated, my own dreams and goals are constantly crushed, and the backbone I once had, has been weakened. However, it has not disintegrated! The past few years has slowly brought life back to my spirit, creativity and my backbone. It has forced me to reevaluate my life, all parts of it. I have goals, dreams, and adventures that I will be pursuing. I have let them slide, but I won't be allowing that anymore. "Those that see your dreams as too big, have let go of their own."

There are still plenty of areas that I will be working on, but I have come a long way already. So many areas I have only brushed over, are still begging for realization. Many areas that are just coming back the surface and some I'm just now realizing; will be interesting endeavors.

For now though, I can honestly say, I'm not angry anymore. Weary, untrusting, and walled off - Yes. However, I'm not angry. I will no longer lower my standards or settle for less than I deserve, I will no longer "dumb down" my conversations-step up or step out!, I don't need those who choose to gossip since they are so happy to talk about everyone...they will be more than happy to talk about me too! What happens in my home, stays in my home. Anyone that does not live here, does not know enough about any situation here to have an opinion. What goes on behind closed doors, unless you are stalking, is not known or understood. Anyone that is disrespecting of the choices we make for our life, kids, or anything else; will be eliminated from our lives, period! I have no problem packing my kids and I up, and walking away from any situation I deem unhealthy for them or myself!

I'm not angry anymore, I'm done. I'm done biting my tongue, trying to keep peace, and appeasing everyone else. It's beyond time to be happy in life. Happiness is within ourselves, however, too many energy vampires cause us to loose sight of it. I have placed myself at the hands of others to find happiness, value, respect and worth. This was completely and utterly, ludicrous! There is no one on Earth, worthy of so much power over another! I'm taking the power back, right now, this minute!


Wearing a garlic necklace!
Salli

My Spirit

"My spirit is so much larger than what you see. My thoughts so much deeper than you could ever conjure. My faith unwavering, even in my darkest hours. The shell that you see, is nothing more than a facade." S.A. Bowen



Finding others who can resonate on the same level is difficult when your vibrational energies are so high. Looking beyond religion to true faith, without questions, is something unusual. How many times have you known even the most trivial answer, and just known, without knowing how you know? How many times can you say without any doubt, I know this to be true?

A spiritual person knows on an energetic level that there is something higher and more powerful than all of us! We don't need any labels on this higher power, we just know there a more powerful force to be reckoned with. We live our lives respecting, loving, and being decent people.

As my love of science, nature, history and heritage coalesced; my journey on enlightenment, spirit, and self expanded beyond my wildest dreams. Maybe not everyone experiences this expansion of self, or they choose to ignore it. Through the years, I have always tried to listen to my body, thoughts and instincts. This makes me seem odd to many people, but it has given me the opportunity to grow.

Seeing some disturbing patterns in adults while I was young, being too stubborn to just take anything at face value, and not accepting that horrible concept of "this is all there is," has driven me to be objective. I rarely trust anyone, and once that trust is broken, it is never repaired. I will be kind, until that kindness is abused. I will hold my tongue, until I can not hold it any longer. I prefer peace, but when the first shot is fired beyond what I am willing to tolerate, that peace will be broken.

Facing cancer at 26 with a 1 year old baby; changed me. It began my personal reflection of the path I was on. I began changing everything in my life; from diets, to thoughts, and began to separate the emotions/feelings I was experiencing. For a few years, I was able to compartmentalize all of them; happiness, sadness, loneliness, need, want, etc. I took care of me and of course, my baby. A rocky marriage, and other difficulties caused me to quit focusing on me and my needs/wants and turned them solely to my child. I began the habit of making too many withdrawls from myself and not enough deposits. I let myself fall apart. Everything from my health to my emotional well being was constantly pushed aside. Around the time I had found it again, and began to get stronger once again, had quit smoking, was returning to a mostly vegetarian life style; I was surprised with the news of our youngest. Once again, my life was turned on its head, and changes were made again. Although I didn't have the concerns of miscarriage because I was almost 5 months pregnant when I found out, I knew it would be an adjustment being 8 years older than when I had our first. I knew I had to have as natural of pregnancy as possible, for my own health, plus I was not willing to change back to many of the things I had eliminated from my life. Although my labor/delivery was really short(about an hour total), it was the most difficult pain I have ever experienced. After my cancer surgery, I was told I could not have any more children. The scar tissue from the surgery, was the culprit for the most horrific pain I have ever had. When our youngest child was 4 months old, she was given 4 vaccines. The base for most vaccines is comprised of typically 2 different things. I do not understand all the compounds of these, so I won't try to explain. However, 24 hours after those vaccines, she came down with a high fever, not keeping food down, and having breathing issues. After 2 trips to the hospital, 2 to the doctor and almost losing our 4 month old daughter, it was determined she was allergic to the 2 base components of all vaccines. Then my life took another hard left.

After finding her allergy issues, I decided to have my oldest (8 at the time), allergy tested. Needless to say, having two children who appear healthy, active and normal; will not ever be the case. Both my children have extreme allergies, that requires me to be very vigilant to keep them healthy, active and "normal." I had to alter our diets to fit their allergies, to fit their sensitivities and to attempt to keep them functional when our regular diets aren't available. Some foods, detergents, soaps, and even clothing has to be trial and error, but we make it work. It is during this time frame, that my oldest was being bullied at school - not just words but injuries also; that I not only took on a certification of Natural Health to help my kids, but also began the journey into home education. While I still get a lot of grief over both of those; I know I am doing the best I can for these 2 amazing young people that have been placed in my life and my care. Having extreme allergies myself, I know the issues and frustration it causes. With our diet changes and our natural health, I have not had to take allergy shots or medicine in over 6 years, and for the most part, neither have my kids! During all of these little road bumps, I have found every move I have made, scrutinized, belittled, and have been affronted more than not. After years of bumps, blocks, and constantly defending the choices I have had to make; I lost so much of myself, and began doubting everything I knew. I began to put up walls around myself and my children to protect them from the ignorant and hurtful discussions they would overhear. I began withdrawing from everyone who questioned or openly discredited what I had to do for them or myself. After several years, I began to get tired of the constant battles. I let my guard down and subconsciously heard all the doubters and everyone who disagreed with how I thought best to handle our situations.

I have always stood by my beliefs, and can typically recite creditable evidence to support how I do things. I reached rock bottom almost 4 years ago. I was tired of the constant battle, the constant belittling, being manipulated and ridiculed. About 4 years ago, I had someone I considered a friend, use me as nothing more than an alibi. Although this is something to be angry about; this was just the straw that broke the camels back. This was the end of tolerance for everything. All these years of lies, snarky jabs about me or my life, underhandedness, guilt trips, manipulation, and never feeling like I had a place that I belonged; came to a head. It broke me, knocked me down, and once again caused my world to turn on its head. I had become a shell of a person. I was no longer someone I wanted my kids to look up to, I was no longer someone I would ever care to be associated with. I had become the epitome of everything I disliked most. I have always followed my own path, and thinking outside the box comes naturally. I haven't ever really fit into a single lifestyle I have ever lived. Although, I am closer now than I ever have been, something is still off. I have spent the past 3 years rediscovering myself. It's been difficult at best. Nearly 4 years ago, one of the few people who knew me, never judged me and held ever ounce of my trust and respect; passed away. While the reports claim he took his own life, I will never believe it. That is something I will probably never know the whole story to, but he remains in my heart today and forever. His passing, took me by surprise, and to this day I have a hard time accepting. He was the first person to welcome me to a new school, 24 years ago. He would go out of his way to bump into me in the halls(literally), if I was in a mood or upset about anything; he would pat me on the head and say,"come Sal, tell Bobo what the matter is." He always told me he'd be my superman whenever I needed him, and until his passing, he was! He never left or ended a phone call without saying, "I love ya, Sal!" and being so short, I was always his arm rest. You know, after nearly 4 years, remembering all this still has me in tears, but I need to in order to finally heal this part of my life. It's funny to remember the first day I met him. He asked my name in art class. When I told him my name was Salli, he said nah, that doesn't fit. I think I can count on one hand how many times he actually called me by my name. It was always Sal or something that I don't care to share. While I have so many great memories of him, I can not find a single picture of all the things we did together.

There are very few people whom I can say ever touched my life like my friend Bob did. He was there in all the moments of life; good, bad, sad and happy. He never doubted what I set out to do, never pushed me to do anything, supported me when I needed it and was more than happy to tell me when I was being ridiculous. To me, Bob was one of the few genuine "super heroes" left in the world. I love ya, Bobby! I think I am finally able to come visit you in just a couple of weeks.

Feeling broken and empty, is a tough place to be. I have put distance between myself and everyone else. I have stayed to myself, kept most of my thoughts to myself, and bit my tongue more often than not. I have been steam rolled by people outside my home, I have accepted a lack of respect from family, I have cried tears of hurt, loss, disappointment, and pain - alone. It's only when I become so overwhelmed that I can not handle anymore, that I can actually cry in front of anyone. I have felt hopeless, trapped, and helpless. I have felt lost in a world I do not belong; yet wondered if there is one I truly belong in. I have stumbled, made mistakes, and yet, I keep going. In the nearly 4 years of reaching the lowest point of my life, I can finally see daylight. I can finally look in the mirror without seeing that lost look in my own eyes. I can finally accept each and every flaw I have; and be grateful for the strength that it took to get where I am. I can also, finally, see things with greater clarity. I can see where I have been, and I can see where I want to go. I just need to work my way through the old habits of trying to keep the peace.

The past 4 years have been an honest to goodness, soul searching journey. It's made me face some difficult times in my life, and difficult decisions I have yet to make. It's made me take a good, long look at myself. It's also opened a closed eye to issues I have thought I could bury. I am dealing with each issue, and each area, as I can. There are some that are taking a little more effort to move toward healing.

I can promise you, this shell of a person that I had become, is filling back up. My spirit is restless to soar, and I refuse to anchor it anymore.

Sal