Whirlwind

What an amazingly beautiful photo, and accurately depicts my life right now! The fury, chaos, and awesomeness of powers beyond our control; yet the peace building beauty of a rainbow, with the indications that everything will eventually be alright and full of possibilities.

It's such a whirlwind time for me. Packing up and selling a home, purchasing a new home, getting through all the paperwork and red tape of that, my husband accepting a great job offer and beginning that new journey but having to do it earlier than we can actually get moved, getting the entire move logistics organized to get all our belongings 400 miles away, and begin our new family adventure. It's a little overwhelming, a little exciting, and complete chaos! It has brought me a lot of turmoil, not just physically but also mentally.

We have done most of our organizing, job offers, and even our home purchase through email, phone, and really fast trips south. This is a whole new way of handling things for me. I really like the person-to-person contact, but that isn't always possible from 6 hours away. Learning the terminology of the real estate world and banking world has been a challenge. I can say, I have learned enough to get through. I am not versed or even an expert in either field...but I can say, I have learned enough to get things handled and in writing, the way I want them.

With all the chaos, has brought some major insight. Even though the last few years have been mentally draining for me, they have allowed me to grow as an individual. Learning that no matter how many times or how far away you try to push your individual personality, you can never truly wipe it away. It will come bubbling up, at the most inconvenient of times. I buried who I truly am, for YEARS! I'm talking almost 18 years. Although many have known I have a temper, no one I am around on a regular basis, has ever seen it. My own personality and character took a backseat to everyone and everything else. I buried myself, to fit the life I have been living. It's no one's fault or intention that it happened...it just did. It's really began to push to the surface since my daughter was born. As she has grown, her wild spirit and her lack of care for what others think is acceptable, has been bringing my own spirit back to the surface. Where did her wild spirit come from? Surprisingly, for many, she gets that from me. While she and I hit heads, I sit back in total awe, remembering my own spirit. Remembering when I was the "wild child" that no one could tame. The child that did what felt right, even when it went against absolutely everyone and everything else. The young adult that didn't put up with nonsense, refused to fit into anyone's mold, and was HAPPY! Sure, I never had a pot to piss in, or the window to throw it out of....but I was HAPPY!

One of the most amazing friends ever, just recently opened my eyes even more. During a conversation, she asked what grounded me. What would make me happy, and ease my stress. I told her about the things I had always done to release my stress and tension. It was during that conversation, that she made a comment that set me aback. Her comment, "well, you keep say you used to do this or that. You keep saying everything in past tense." After another of our long conversations, and her remarkable ability to cut through my bullshit; she opened my eyes. Everything I ever did, or ever was, I have buried and/or pushed aside, to fit a mold.

How the hell did that happen? I have always been my own person. I would say or do things that would make parents cringe, my friends would turn multiple shades of red, or just have everyone shaking their heads. When did I start letting what is perceived to be acceptable, over ride my own needs/wants or even personality? All I can tell you, it started just before I got married, and has been continued since. I began losing myself long ago, and all of that began bubbling back up just a few years ago. When I thought life had just gotten the better of me, it was my soul's way of reminding me that I am so much more than what I have become.

Five years ago, I lost one of the greatest friends possible. He always pushed me, to be the best "me" I could be. He was one of the few that could say, "Ok, Sal, cut the bullshit act, where is the real Salli?!" He saw through my smoke and mirrors. He was one of the few that saw the real me, and didn't let me hide behind that acceptable. He was one of the few, that it never mattered what I said, he was always there. He would call me on my bullshit, remind me that real me was worth getting to know, and would remind me with every conversation that anyone who saw or knew the real me, was truly lucky. He would bring me out of the shell I was living in, make me laugh until my sides hurt, we would have really deep conversations and every conversation always ended with him telling me, "I love ya, Sal!" He was one of those souls that was here until his mission was complete, but left a huge hole in the hearts of those who knew him when he was called to the other side, once again!

With his words always in my mind, and my heart, it's time to start remembering again. As the chaos of this relocation has twisted me inside out, I am reminded once again, there is not anything I can't do. Sure, it's a huge step out of my comfort zone. It's time to let my gypsy soul explore again. I can't be molded for long, and burying my true spirit has obviously caused me more turmoil than necessary. It's hard to break a comfort cycle that you have been in for years, but nothing is impossible. With a new outlook and possibilities, I believe it's time to reconnect with my spirit.

While our whirl wind of chaos will be temporary, the journey back to my true self will continue. Happiness is an inside job, so even though my responsibilities will always come first, my own happiness must be taken in equal measure. The new area of residence is a lot bigger than our current area, and there are unlimited opportunities available. To find my own fire again, is surging through me.

I am trying to focus on the positives, even when a few negatives set me back. One area that is going to happen, unlike when we bought our current home, is that there will be a house warming party. There will be new adventures, and our family will learn how to maneuver this crazy adventure called life, and be able to enjoy it along the way.

Positive thoughts and energy from here, forward.
Sal

How do I do this?!

How do I do this?! Our lives are packed up tight in boxes. We are living in limbo right now. Trying to make certain we still have what we need to live our day-to-day lives, while trying to pack away all our personal effects to show our house.

As if living out of boxes was not enough, now I have to estimate and plan for living in 2 different households for an undetermined time frame, since our home has not yet sold. Trying to make sure that my kids have enough to stay entertained, yet being mindful that someone could want a showing at any point. Trying to remember which bills need to be paid, what appointments need to be made, planning out meals, keeping everything in a neat and tidy place.

All of this while feeling like hell, and trying to finish the kids school year. I am struggling to find the mental strength to do everything that needs to be done. For several years, my strength has been tested, and now I'm needing it, more than ever. I have always been strong, stubborn, and nothing has kept me down. Right now, it's a struggle just to get through each day. I am handling the paperwork for our new area, from 6 hours away, through phone calls and emails. I am trying to keep up with the leg work of selling our house on our own here. I'm attempting to keep our daily schedule as intact as possible since the kids are struggling with packing up everything for an undetermined time frame.

Even with all the chaos of relocating from one end of the state to the other, I know this is the right move in my heart. I know it's going to take some adjustment, it is different location and lifestyle. I know everything will take time to calm back down. However, I have a really good gut feeling about the entire move...aside from the stupidity right now. I have seen my husband's personality begin to change, for the better. I have seen his health conditions improving just since the decisions were made and everything has been made public. His new job, the pay is closer to what he deserves, offers benefits, bonuses, and normal hours that do not require nights, weekends, and holidays he doesn't get paid for. Or, having people just show up at our house because they need tools, parts, or need him to go fix something after hours. The kids love the new area and are excited to get there. They are struggling with the chaos and packing, but are anxious to begin our new life. They love the new house, have their bedrooms picked out and are looking at the possibilities that they will have in the bigger area. They each will have a decent sized room, big closet, and plenty of yard to play in. Then there's me. Although living in the country was not how I was raised, I told my husband years ago, I would go where ever he wanted to go, so he was happy. I don't have ties to any one place. I guess I never really have. I broke the apron strings with my family 19 years ago. I have yet to find a place that calls for me to put down roots. The new area, I can see that happening, but to this point...my soul hasn't found its home. I am anxious to get moved, settled, and find a new direction. I can't say I don't have some hesitation, but it's not because of doubt. I know different areas have different personalities/attitudes. I have always loved the cultural differences. My hesitation is a combination of stress here, while trying to go between the two places to finalize stuff in both locations, and a little fear of being back in a bigger location.

We are going from a county of under 7,000 people to one that has more than 49,000 people. Size wise, it's like moving back to the county I was born and raised in. I have no doubt I can do it, and that I will do just fine. It's just the intimidation of too much time between talking about it and actually doing it. When you rent a house, it's a little easier to just pick up your life and go. Owning and trying to sell a house here, and trying to get closed on one in our new area is taking more time than I am comfortable with. I guess that comes back to my own "no roots" thing.

I am hopeful that once we get settled down there, and get into a new schedule, that the stress of the last several years will slip away...eventually. I have high hopes for our move, and I really hope I am not disappointed. I have some great plans for once we get moved and settled in. I can only hope that our family bond just continues to grow stronger. My own ridiculous fear of the unknown, is not something I have ever dealt with before. So, this has been a personal challenge to me. Facing my own fears, and hesitations is something I have yet to manage; but so many of them are unfounded. I know I am strong enough to do anything I set my mind to, but fear has become an irrational thorn in my side.

I will keep going, just as I always do. I have no doubt there will be days that kick my ass, but I know I have some great friends that will just keep pushing me to keep going. They have been instrumental to me, to this point, in the reminder that I am never alone and they are just a phone call away.

Thanks for letting me vent once again.
Salli