How do I do this?! Our lives are packed up tight in boxes. We are living in limbo right now. Trying to make certain we still have what we need to live our day-to-day lives, while trying to pack away all our personal effects to show our house.
As if living out of boxes was not enough, now I have to estimate and plan for living in 2 different households for an undetermined time frame, since our home has not yet sold. Trying to make sure that my kids have enough to stay entertained, yet being mindful that someone could want a showing at any point. Trying to remember which bills need to be paid, what appointments need to be made, planning out meals, keeping everything in a neat and tidy place.
All of this while feeling like hell, and trying to finish the kids school year. I am struggling to find the mental strength to do everything that needs to be done. For several years, my strength has been tested, and now I'm needing it, more than ever. I have always been strong, stubborn, and nothing has kept me down. Right now, it's a struggle just to get through each day. I am handling the paperwork for our new area, from 6 hours away, through phone calls and emails. I am trying to keep up with the leg work of selling our house on our own here. I'm attempting to keep our daily schedule as intact as possible since the kids are struggling with packing up everything for an undetermined time frame.
Even with all the chaos of relocating from one end of the state to the other, I know this is the right move in my heart. I know it's going to take some adjustment, it is different location and lifestyle. I know everything will take time to calm back down. However, I have a really good gut feeling about the entire move...aside from the stupidity right now. I have seen my husband's personality begin to change, for the better. I have seen his health conditions improving just since the decisions were made and everything has been made public. His new job, the pay is closer to what he deserves, offers benefits, bonuses, and normal hours that do not require nights, weekends, and holidays he doesn't get paid for. Or, having people just show up at our house because they need tools, parts, or need him to go fix something after hours. The kids love the new area and are excited to get there. They are struggling with the chaos and packing, but are anxious to begin our new life. They love the new house, have their bedrooms picked out and are looking at the possibilities that they will have in the bigger area. They each will have a decent sized room, big closet, and plenty of yard to play in. Then there's me. Although living in the country was not how I was raised, I told my husband years ago, I would go where ever he wanted to go, so he was happy. I don't have ties to any one place. I guess I never really have. I broke the apron strings with my family 19 years ago. I have yet to find a place that calls for me to put down roots. The new area, I can see that happening, but to this point...my soul hasn't found its home. I am anxious to get moved, settled, and find a new direction. I can't say I don't have some hesitation, but it's not because of doubt. I know different areas have different personalities/attitudes. I have always loved the cultural differences. My hesitation is a combination of stress here, while trying to go between the two places to finalize stuff in both locations, and a little fear of being back in a bigger location.
We are going from a county of under 7,000 people to one that has more than 49,000 people. Size wise, it's like moving back to the county I was born and raised in. I have no doubt I can do it, and that I will do just fine. It's just the intimidation of too much time between talking about it and actually doing it. When you rent a house, it's a little easier to just pick up your life and go. Owning and trying to sell a house here, and trying to get closed on one in our new area is taking more time than I am comfortable with. I guess that comes back to my own "no roots" thing.
I am hopeful that once we get settled down there, and get into a new schedule, that the stress of the last several years will slip away...eventually. I have high hopes for our move, and I really hope I am not disappointed. I have some great plans for once we get moved and settled in. I can only hope that our family bond just continues to grow stronger. My own ridiculous fear of the unknown, is not something I have ever dealt with before. So, this has been a personal challenge to me. Facing my own fears, and hesitations is something I have yet to manage; but so many of them are unfounded. I know I am strong enough to do anything I set my mind to, but fear has become an irrational thorn in my side.
I will keep going, just as I always do. I have no doubt there will be days that kick my ass, but I know I have some great friends that will just keep pushing me to keep going. They have been instrumental to me, to this point, in the reminder that I am never alone and they are just a phone call away.
Thanks for letting me vent once again.
Salli
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