Caught Some Thoughts

So many of you have followed me for many years, through my blogging, with our homestead, livestock, gardening, home school, and life in general. While there is so much I keep to myself, there are several aspects that I do share. Some, are insightful, some positive, some venting, some funny, but all of it is very real and in the moment.

Today, I'm writing after several hours of time to myself, late last night. I always tell people my life is crazy. It really is. I'm never still for any length of time, and my mind moves a million miles an hour....ALL THE TIME! It never truly shuts downs or turns off, but on the very rare occasion when I have some quiet time to myself, I can actually catch some of my thoughts. When I get that needed time to recharge, I can make sense of many issues that I can't seem to find otherwise.

As many of you know, life for me has been chaotic. A year ago, we decided to sell our little farm, move 400 miles away for my husbands job, and start all over from the beginning. What you may not realize is everything that has happened surrounding this. For a year prior to this move, we were watching the county we lived in start to shrink and businesses close. We saw the amount of work my husband was doing diminish, and the income after 14 years was not enough to live on. We had no health insurance offered, income that hit the crack in the healthcare law so we didn't have the option of getting help, our home needed repairs so we made them, our marriage was tense as finances were bad, stress was high, and finding a solution meant finding a higher paying job in an area where there weren't much for jobs to start with. So, we decided to starting expanding the area that we would consider for travel, as jobs were few and far between. A year later, with a lot of discussion, and surface concerns discussed, my husband got his new job, and the plan was put into motion to make a huge transition in our lives. Anyone that has followed this blog, knows that our original plan did not work out so well, and we are getting to the end of the alphabet with the alternative plans!

Now, I will get to my selfish section in a moment, but right now, I need to make a statement. While my husband and I have had our share of issues, a problem with our communication styles, outside interference to add insult to injury, and personality differences that hit opposite ends of the spectrum...He is a hard worker, a good provider, and a good dad. I will never discount his efforts in always trying to better himself and our family. While there may be areas that still need a lot of work, we have spent 19 years trying to find a common ground.

There have been many times for me, that I've considered throwing in the towel. Not because I don't love my husband or my family, I do...but some of the issues, seemed too overwhelming to tackle. Even with this transition in our lives, the constant state of limbo our lives have become, has truly tested me. I don't think I could be accused of not trying to make my marriage work, we are rapidly approaching the 18 year mark. However, the past year has REALLY tested every bit of my patience.

We are STILL trying to get our house to sell, so our finances suck!!! We are paying house payment and utilities on it, plus paying rent and utilities here. The budget is so tight, every penny has to be accounted for. Although my husbands job pays almost twice his previous income, it doesn't allow us the luxury of finally being comfortable at this point. He works so hard, that it's frustrating to me, to still be so financially strapped that once the bills are paid and groceries bought, there's nothing left.

As you all know, when the financial strain becomes an issue, it messes with every aspect of your life. While I worry that multitude of stresses will drive a bigger wedge, I know I am doing what I can to make the best of this ridiculous situation. Here's the thing, as much as this transition has been difficult for me, I have to try to understand it from his perspective as well. He spent nearly all his life close to his family. I have not. I was 23 when I first came to Missouri, and started a life of my own. So being away from family, has been normal to me. Even though technology has made it easier to stay in contact with everyone around the globe, it's not the same. I will not claim to know his thoughts, emotions, or whatever on moving away, because sadly, that is not something we talk about. However, I know there are still times, I miss being near my family and friends.

There are days I get angry, and wrongfully blame him for every issue we are dealing with. It's not always his fault, it's not always my fault....for the first time in our married life, we are no where near either of our families, and we all know our plans for moving here have NOT gone as planned.

Here's where my thoughts are at right now. We have a lot of areas we need to work on as a couple to make both of us happy. Making this move may not have been my choice but I did say I would go where ever he wanted to go. I know our house will sell, I just hope it's sooner rather than later...it's a huge black cloud in our finances. I'm learning and adapting to our new area, and I know eventually, I will feel like I can make this home. There are so many more opportunities here for our family, even though the area scares the crap out of me. I'm going to have moments when I go bat shit crazy...I'm too much of a planner/organizer/analizer to have so much up in the air. Going back to Northeast Missouri is not going to happen, Southeast Missouri has been interesting, and I have got to figure out a means of getting what I need in every aspect of my life.

Selfishly, I will tell you, I'm exhausted! My days all blend together. 3 meals a day, dishes just as often, laundry, cleaning, school work, planning, budgeting, and attempting to make the best of having to rent. I would love some help once in while, but I am VERY cautious on asking because I don't trust people. I love to visit with people, but to actually become friendly, is difficult for me. I am a unique person, with a lot of quirks. It makes it difficult to find others willing to put up with me.

I have been in Southeast Missouri for almost 9 months now, and I spent 3 months prior to that, on my own with the kids in our house. The kids and I developed a routine that worked during those 3 months. We had a rough couple months, but by the 3rd month, we were making it work. What others don't realize is the time consuming life we had and I had the responsibility to take care of my kids and our home first. Just as it's been since we came here...my kids, family and whatever home we are in; they come first. I know that angered some, and many don't understand why I have withdrawn from everything but the kids, my family and our home. The thing is, when I am overwhelmed, that's what I do. I withdraw from absolutely everything I can, to preserve what energy I can for what's most important to me. Trust me when I say, I know I have been a horrible friend and extended family member. I apologize for not being involved, but I have had to do what I can.

One day, I know the Universe will help me get my head back on straight. Until then, I'm trying to be better, I really am. I'm trying to find things that make me happy as a person, so I can find happiness outside of myself again too. I am human, I make mistakes, but I truly care about those in my life. Even if I'm not actively involved with them.

Thanks for reading this latest "light bulb moment."
Salli

Too much advice

We have all experienced more advice, being told what is right or wrong, and experiencing our own thoughts of how life should go. Now, to be fair, most advice comes from well meaning people and their perspectives. However, unless the advice you receive comes from someone living your exact life...they do not know what goes on behind closed doors.

We can all give surface advise. It's based on what we see, hear, or are told; but there is usually more to the story. Not that people are liars, but there is usually stories that build up over time and as a result, the 5 minute story is actually a story that's been building for days, weeks or even months. Thus, the lead up to the current problem you are facing could very well, give more insight even if we don't realize it.

I have known several that are facing relationship issues; whether it was a strain in the relationship or the verge of a divorce. Either way, the stories are the same, they aren't happy within their relationships. I can tell you, reading all the online advice, that is so readily available, is almost sickening. The articles are everywhere; "making your spouse happy should make you happy," "give your relationship over to God," "is your man worth your time," "the type of woman worth marrying." These articles are written and posted online like relationships are cut and dry. There is seriously, NOTHING cut and dry about relationships. Relationships are hard. They require constant work, constant effort and yes, sometimes...relationships aren't meant to work.

I have been given a rare gift. One of trying to see "both sides of a story." I am by no means an expect...quite frankly, I don't believe there is a single "expert" out there! Every person is different, and to honestly be an expert, you'd have to know every single person, their personality, their upbringing, their entire person. It's not going to happen, so all the supposed "experts," try to speak in general terms - "if a person behaves this way, they COULD be doing this or that." Here's a thought...if they are behaving a certain way, maybe that's just who they are?! The one that kills me, are the articles about affairs. "Your spouse may be cheating if one of these 7 signs are present." Here's a thought. If your relationship is to the point of worrying about affairs...you need to speak directly with your partner and figure out between the two of you if your relationship can be salvaged! When you start involving outside influences, you are asking for more trouble!

When you are in a turbulent relationship, once again, it's up to the two people involved to solve the problem. Can you each deal with each others quirks, can you find a common ground that you can both find happiness or is one of you constantly giving up your dreams. Relationships, as I said earlier, are hard work. Many of us get into the rut of being overly comfortable. We know all the schedules, routines, or expectations of our partners. For those with children, we tend to throw our time and energy into caring for the kids, paying bills, keeping up with household chores, but neglect our partners. Relationships by traditional meaning, are supposed to be a partnership with our significant other, although more people are choosing more of a business type of agreement for the "convenience" of marriage. While I personally do not understand how marriage is any type of convenience, those arrangements are out there. Now, I will tell you, relationships that involve abuse of any kind, need to be terminated. No one deserves to be physically, emotionally or verbally abused, EVER!!!!

Having seen so much turmoil in relationships has had me questioning what seems to be causing so much distress? While I am not an expert on anything, and I write only what I feel from my heart, I've really wondered how they've changed. Many of us grew up with grandparents that had spent decades together. I know my grandparents had issues, and arguments, but they always seemed to work through them. Then my generation, became desensitized enough to accept the divorce epidemic. Divorce became easier to get, and was no longer a taboo subject. It gave everyone a readily available "out", when they didn't want to work through problems. However, those that had children and went through a divorce, didn't realize the emotional trauma that came along with that dissolution of marriage. As a child of the divorce generation, dividing loyalties and time between parents taught me several unhealthy coping mechanisms that hinders my own outlook on my marriage.

Growing up in that generation, I learned to turn off emotions, and became a pretty cold person. I don't trust easily, and I never depend on anyone other than myself...even 31 years later. When I let my guard down, and start depending on people, I get let down, hurt and then angry. I am pretty good at keeping my vulnerabilities to myself and it's very rare that anyone ever sees the real me. Even if they do, it's very short lived before I put those walls back up. I refuse to use all this as a crutch though. I may have some pretty deep scars, trust and control issues, and put others first; but it doesn't make me weak, I don't feel that everyone owes me something(they don't!), or that I am going to treat my kids the way I was.

I have seen so many that have done that, used there upbringing as an excuse to be assholes. They behave so badly, treat people horribly, have no concept of respect and if they have children...they treat those kids as bad or worse than they were. There have been women I have known that have been unhappy in their relationships, chosen to end their relationships, only to find out the grass is not greener on the other side. However, they weren't any happier in their relationships than they were after their post marriage relationships. They thing I see, is there is a whole lot of people that are severely unhappy within themselves. They have believed that their partners should make them happy; but when they don't, the relationship is broken.

As a woman with a little insight, when I am unhappy with myself and my goals/dreams aren't being met, it makes me unhappy. When I allow others to use me, disrespect me, or I do not take the time I need to recharge, chase my own dreams and goals, or even find time to just enjoy some of the things I love; I become unhappy and it causes many issues. However, on another taboo area, I think relationships are multifaceted in needs. While there is not a single perfect relationship, there are things that I believe every relationship needs. Every single one of us must deal with decisions, finances, sex, careers, children and extended families. Individually, the needs are fairly simple to handle. However, as most of you know, 9 times out of 10, many areas are thrown at us daily. Throw in education, children's activities, and the current need for society to label/judge every move everyone makes; and you have a recipe for disaster when it comes to relationships...and I'm not even going to touch the online dating crap!

I don't have answers, I'm not even going to offer advice, because frankly, I don't know. I can tell you from my own experiences in life, that relationships have one hell of a roller coaster ride. Many times that ride, the ups and downs, come daily; while other times it's more like a seasonal change. The choices need to be made when that ride is no longer tolerable. When it's tolerable or not, is a time only you will know. Once again, I feel it's highly important that you have open communication in your relationship. You and your partner will not agree on everything, and honestly, you probably won't agree on much. There will be seasons of growth for each of you, sometimes those seasons will pass without much more than a few cross words; other times, it may be the end of a relationship as you and/or your partner grow.

We each make choices for ourselves in the moment, that fit our lives at the time. However, if we are all honest, we change and grow all the time. Sometimes, our changes coincide with our partners growth, but sometimes they don't, which can hinder our own growth. Unfortunately, society has become very judgmental and seems to have to put a label on everything. For me, I feel that by putting a label on anything, limits it. You've heard "helicopter mom, working mom, stay-at-home-mom," Here's a thought...we are all MOMS! We all work hard, maybe in different ways, but we all work hard. We love our children and want what's best for them. Quit labeling each other, and do not judge others by the chapter of their lives you've walked in on.

Salli