Simpler Times

 

 

 

 

Simpler Times

 

Some days, thoughts come to me, but it's in fragments. There will be a thought or two, and then my brain races off to something else. So, after my meditation time, I  write those thoughts that pop up, to visit later. This morning was more of an old memory that lead to me thinking about times, many years ago.

 

It was memories of times with my grandparents, and how so much has changed. Years ago, traveling wasn't something we did often. We would have special times of traveling to see my Dad's parents. Looking at the distance then and comparing now...it wasn't that far from where we lived to where they lived. It was then. So, we didn't see them as much as we saw my Mom's parents, who always lived pretty close. I loved my grandparents, and each set was unique but a lot the same. Dad's parents were the farm/country grandparents. Mom's were more town centered. However, I am the grand daughter of 2 very strong grandmothers. While I learned a lot from my Mom's Dad...and some from my Dad's Dad...my grandmother's ruled the roost. Those women took charge, what they said was the final word, and you didn't mess with their family. Period. I didn't get to spend near enough time with my Dad's Mom, but I find a lot of similarities, in my own life, to her. My Mom's Mom...we had a great relationship, even if we hit heads often. My Mom's Dad, taught me so much, but even in his quiet way, so did my Dad's Dad. 

 

Years ago, the break neck speed and disconnect that so many live by today, was not even a consideration. The shake of hands was your value. If you said something, shook hands, that was worth more than money. You valued people and used things...just the opposite of today's world. We didn't travel much, but the travel had real meaning. You didn't just go somewhere to say you had. Travel usually meant you would spend hours with family, you only got to see on special occasions; but the bonds were build and carried over through the years. For me, when we went to visit my Dad's parents, it was always a loud and lively time because there were so many aunts, uncles and cousins. I was the oldest grandchild on that side, and have aunts and uncles so close to my age, we could be siblings. Now, times have changed, and there have been so many additions and subtractions....  I'm not sure who's who anymore. Just another reminder that sometimes, progress isn't always good.

 

I was fortunate enough to get to know my grandparents, even into my young adult life. Sadly, I don't think there's ever enough time once you realize how precious the times with grandparents can be. I did learn some, and valued the time with them...even though I often wonder what they would think now. That is more of what they would tell me, if they could see how I have changed. I find myself seeing a lot of my Dad's Mom in so much that I do...from the gardening, to birds, collecting rocks/shells, and even my writing. I see a lot of both my Grandmother's in the strength I have. Both good and bad.

 

Some of the last conversations with my grandmother's, I have held close to my heart. I have several letters that one sent me, and just the talks I had with the other. If I could give young people so advice:  make time for your grandparents and your parents. They are all gone long before you are ready. Your parents do the best they can, with what they have, but they are constantly learning just like you are. Adulthood and raising children do not come with instructions, and sometimes...we just get it wrong, but our love for our kids is unconditional. 

 

I can remember being a teenager(a LONG time ago), thinking that "old" people just automatically know things and had their lives together. Those old people, at the time were probably 30' & 40's, and now being in my 50's....you never have "it" all together...we learn from our mistakes, but we continue to make them if we are stilling trying. If you aren't learning, then you have either quit paying attention or your ego is too big. No one is perfect and most still make mistakes. Failure is only a bad thing, if you don't learn something. 

 

It's so funny how a simple memory of riding in an old station wagon, going to see my "far away grandparents," hearing my grandmother laugh about not having coffee in her coffee cup, looking at a shelf above my fridge and seeing the cookie jar in the shape of a cow....or a $20 bill that would be borrowed and returned every few weeks while I got settled into my job, enjoying coffee and toast while solving the worlds problems, and missing those conversations and hugs; can make you think. 

 

 

My heart is heavy today

 

 

 

There are days when some things just weigh heavily on my heart and mind. A lot of those days, I will write out my thoughts in a journal or even in an unpublished blog. They end up being a means to relieve thoughts without over sharing personal information. If I have learned anything in life, 99% of anyone you share information with, either doesn't know how to deal with it or they don't care. Either way, it can be heart breaking but it's true. With any good relationship, it should come with trust, loyalty, honesty and the freedom to share real life with, without having to worry about becoming another gossip topic. I'm not great at keeping my mouth in check...I tend to say what I think, and that usually does not end well. 

 

When it comes to relationships - spouse, children, friendships...being brutily honest usually lands me in hot water. I have never lied to my children - good or bad depends on the day. Even when it may not be what they want to hear, when it points out my inadequacies, or makes me the "bad guy." I have always tried to teach them that sometimes, we are the problem. While we may be an issue, we don't have to live in that stigma because we can make changes - even if that means removing ourselves from whatever the situation may be. I have always tried to teach them that even though I am the adult, I don't always have all the answers because I, too, am still learning as I go. Some lessons are extremely hard, but giving up is never an option. I tried to teach them the importance of family. Growing up in a divided home with divided loyalties; I did not want that for my kids. I wanted them to know they could come to us with everything. Obviously, I am only speaking for myself. I wanted them to know I would give them the best advice I knew, and that my love for them was unconditional. No matter what career they chose, no matter how hurt they may have made me, no matter what...they would always have me. I will never feel like I made a mistake in putting my children above everything else. I thought I extended that unconditional love to my bonus kids also. 

 

When it comes to every other relationship, my loyalty, honesty and respect; is there until it's proven it is only one sided. I give several chances, but I can only give so much before the repeat patterns can't be over looked. Unfortunately, after several patterns...even from separate people appear, I withdraw. I like having people in my life, in my inner circle, that I can trust. I don't let many in my inner circle, so when I feel a shift in their behavior, I will walk away - even if it hurts. I won't beg people to stay in my life. I don't need a large group of friends to know my value. You can only take being used for so long, then I will leave you to those you choose. 

 

Today, my heart and mind are heavy. I have felt like I have been juggling the world for so long. The people and tasks that are important to me, have felt like a constant battle zone. Since I prefer going to the source of an issue, and fixing the issue; not having any or all the fixes, has been a struggle. We can not fix anyone or anything else, that is not ours to fix. I am a fixer! That alone is a huge pitfall for me, especially when things are out of my control. I know I can't dwell on things out of my control, but when it involves me...I sure try to. I hate being made to look like a fool. Whether that comes from trusting when I know I shouldn't, giving the benefit of doubt, having to hear - yet again that I am constantly less than someone else, that I gave too many chances, or that I shouldn't have trusted. I have always told those closest to me, if I tell you I trust you; that is more powerful to me than a million "I love you's." 

 

It's been a massive challenge juggling this current phase of my life. One that I am sadly not managing well. I learned to mostly temper my mood swings and even manage the attitude. Even if my household doesn't believe this, they do not understand how much I have kept to myself. They have only gotten a fraction of the overall moods. Maybe I got too good at controlling myself. I spend a lot of time quiet, and no longer arguing over everything; now, I spend a lot more time observing. I will speak of tasks that need done, and see how long it takes to get done...of if I end up having to do it myself. Each thing that is ignored is one more strike. Each time I comment about an issue or something I want done, have to repeat myself over some noise device or get ignored all together, is one more strike. Communication is a big issue for me. When you have several people, all with their own "lists" and tasks, and everyone waits until the last possible second to say anything - then they get all bent out of shape when it doesn't go as planned...this could be prevented. It reverts to this: "lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." 

 

As I venture out today, my mind is pretty cluttered again. I am focusing on my responsibilities today, and hoping that I can make the best use of my time...and accomplishing my goal on this task. I pray everyone has a blessed day, and that you look at those closest to you and treat them with the trust, loyalty and respect they deserve. All relationships require actions, not just words.