There are days when some things just weigh heavily on my heart and mind. A lot of those days, I will write out my thoughts in a journal or even in an unpublished blog. They end up being a means to relieve thoughts without over sharing personal information. If I have learned anything in life, 99% of anyone you share information with, either doesn't know how to deal with it or they don't care. Either way, it can be heart breaking but it's true. With any good relationship, it should come with trust, loyalty, honesty and the freedom to share real life with, without having to worry about becoming another gossip topic. I'm not great at keeping my mouth in check...I tend to say what I think, and that usually does not end well.
When it comes to relationships - spouse, children, friendships...being brutily honest usually lands me in hot water. I have never lied to my children - good or bad depends on the day. Even when it may not be what they want to hear, when it points out my inadequacies, or makes me the "bad guy." I have always tried to teach them that sometimes, we are the problem. While we may be an issue, we don't have to live in that stigma because we can make changes - even if that means removing ourselves from whatever the situation may be. I have always tried to teach them that even though I am the adult, I don't always have all the answers because I, too, am still learning as I go. Some lessons are extremely hard, but giving up is never an option. I tried to teach them the importance of family. Growing up in a divided home with divided loyalties; I did not want that for my kids. I wanted them to know they could come to us with everything. Obviously, I am only speaking for myself. I wanted them to know I would give them the best advice I knew, and that my love for them was unconditional. No matter what career they chose, no matter how hurt they may have made me, no matter what...they would always have me. I will never feel like I made a mistake in putting my children above everything else. I thought I extended that unconditional love to my bonus kids also.
When it comes to every other relationship, my loyalty, honesty and respect; is there until it's proven it is only one sided. I give several chances, but I can only give so much before the repeat patterns can't be over looked. Unfortunately, after several patterns...even from separate people appear, I withdraw. I like having people in my life, in my inner circle, that I can trust. I don't let many in my inner circle, so when I feel a shift in their behavior, I will walk away - even if it hurts. I won't beg people to stay in my life. I don't need a large group of friends to know my value. You can only take being used for so long, then I will leave you to those you choose.
Today, my heart and mind are heavy. I have felt like I have been juggling the world for so long. The people and tasks that are important to me, have felt like a constant battle zone. Since I prefer going to the source of an issue, and fixing the issue; not having any or all the fixes, has been a struggle. We can not fix anyone or anything else, that is not ours to fix. I am a fixer! That alone is a huge pitfall for me, especially when things are out of my control. I know I can't dwell on things out of my control, but when it involves me...I sure try to. I hate being made to look like a fool. Whether that comes from trusting when I know I shouldn't, giving the benefit of doubt, having to hear - yet again that I am constantly less than someone else, that I gave too many chances, or that I shouldn't have trusted. I have always told those closest to me, if I tell you I trust you; that is more powerful to me than a million "I love you's."
It's been a massive challenge juggling this current phase of my life. One that I am sadly not managing well. I learned to mostly temper my mood swings and even manage the attitude. Even if my household doesn't believe this, they do not understand how much I have kept to myself. They have only gotten a fraction of the overall moods. Maybe I got too good at controlling myself. I spend a lot of time quiet, and no longer arguing over everything; now, I spend a lot more time observing. I will speak of tasks that need done, and see how long it takes to get done...of if I end up having to do it myself. Each thing that is ignored is one more strike. Each time I comment about an issue or something I want done, have to repeat myself over some noise device or get ignored all together, is one more strike. Communication is a big issue for me. When you have several people, all with their own "lists" and tasks, and everyone waits until the last possible second to say anything - then they get all bent out of shape when it doesn't go as planned...this could be prevented. It reverts to this: "lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."
As I venture out today, my mind is pretty cluttered again. I am focusing on my responsibilities today, and hoping that I can make the best use of my time...and accomplishing my goal on this task. I pray everyone has a blessed day, and that you look at those closest to you and treat them with the trust, loyalty and respect they deserve. All relationships require actions, not just words.
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