Coffee Chat

 

Today's early morning thoughts.

 

My early morning thoughts began about 4 am. I have spent the past 7 years working hard to reach financial goals, so I could reach some other goals. These early morning thoughts actually woke me up, and have been nagging at me for several hours. While I am truly blessed with so much, there are material things I need and some that I want. I am not someone that requires much, especially materially. So, the thoughts of when is the right time to bite the bullet and make big moves/changes? I know this is an individual decision, but I can't help but wonder. I am not at an ideal situation, but I am also not willing to wait until I can't enjoy it. When is the timing ever really "the right time?" Making changes is terrifying to me, especially big changes. As someone who thinks constantly, I will always come up with a million "what-if's" to delay what I can, but even those scenarios aren't holding much ground anymore. I really try to have dozens of "back up plans" because I know life gets messy. 

 

That general thought this morning has really made my mind whirl. I have spent decades now trying to do what I believed to be the right thing. Then I look, and see the many of the results, only to end up asking, "why bother, I'm going to be the bad guy no matter what I do." Yet, here I am...still trying. Still fighting for everything and everyone I believe in. I'm not one to give up, but does a time come that you don't have to fight, like your life depends on it, for every step forward? When you don't have to get through every letter of the alphabet of plans, to have one finally work? When the prayers you pray, are finally answered? When you can see the fruits of your labor, your tears, your sweat and your effort? I told you, my mind works overtime, and these are only a fraction of the thoughts...just this morning.

 

I'm ticking off the to-do list for the veteran hunt, my deep cleaning/organizing list, the last couple of years of home school, and the semi-annual preparation list(winter/spring). None of which ever seems to get completed without several additions for tasks not completed when I have delegated them. Which is always a joy. I keep reminding myself that, that the only thing I can control completely or depend on is me.   With that, I know I will make everything possible work and I'm not afraid to work to get things done. It just gets a little tiring when I am constantly told to ask for help, yet when I do...it either doesn't show up, gets done half-assed, or it's forgotten about. I don't wait until last minute, when I can avoid it, because that stresses me out....and ticks me off. 

 

So, I will keep working through my lists, projects and plans. I just needed this outlet this morning. I keep on, keeping on. Even on days that are heavy.  

Simpler Times

 

 

 

 

Simpler Times

 

Some days, thoughts come to me, but it's in fragments. There will be a thought or two, and then my brain races off to something else. So, after my meditation time, I  write those thoughts that pop up, to visit later. This morning was more of an old memory that lead to me thinking about times, many years ago.

 

It was memories of times with my grandparents, and how so much has changed. Years ago, traveling wasn't something we did often. We would have special times of traveling to see my Dad's parents. Looking at the distance then and comparing now...it wasn't that far from where we lived to where they lived. It was then. So, we didn't see them as much as we saw my Mom's parents, who always lived pretty close. I loved my grandparents, and each set was unique but a lot the same. Dad's parents were the farm/country grandparents. Mom's were more town centered. However, I am the grand daughter of 2 very strong grandmothers. While I learned a lot from my Mom's Dad...and some from my Dad's Dad...my grandmother's ruled the roost. Those women took charge, what they said was the final word, and you didn't mess with their family. Period. I didn't get to spend near enough time with my Dad's Mom, but I find a lot of similarities, in my own life, to her. My Mom's Mom...we had a great relationship, even if we hit heads often. My Mom's Dad, taught me so much, but even in his quiet way, so did my Dad's Dad. 

 

Years ago, the break neck speed and disconnect that so many live by today, was not even a consideration. The shake of hands was your value. If you said something, shook hands, that was worth more than money. You valued people and used things...just the opposite of today's world. We didn't travel much, but the travel had real meaning. You didn't just go somewhere to say you had. Travel usually meant you would spend hours with family, you only got to see on special occasions; but the bonds were build and carried over through the years. For me, when we went to visit my Dad's parents, it was always a loud and lively time because there were so many aunts, uncles and cousins. I was the oldest grandchild on that side, and have aunts and uncles so close to my age, we could be siblings. Now, times have changed, and there have been so many additions and subtractions....  I'm not sure who's who anymore. Just another reminder that sometimes, progress isn't always good.

 

I was fortunate enough to get to know my grandparents, even into my young adult life. Sadly, I don't think there's ever enough time once you realize how precious the times with grandparents can be. I did learn some, and valued the time with them...even though I often wonder what they would think now. That is more of what they would tell me, if they could see how I have changed. I find myself seeing a lot of my Dad's Mom in so much that I do...from the gardening, to birds, collecting rocks/shells, and even my writing. I see a lot of both my Grandmother's in the strength I have. Both good and bad.

 

Some of the last conversations with my grandmother's, I have held close to my heart. I have several letters that one sent me, and just the talks I had with the other. If I could give young people so advice:  make time for your grandparents and your parents. They are all gone long before you are ready. Your parents do the best they can, with what they have, but they are constantly learning just like you are. Adulthood and raising children do not come with instructions, and sometimes...we just get it wrong, but our love for our kids is unconditional. 

 

I can remember being a teenager(a LONG time ago), thinking that "old" people just automatically know things and had their lives together. Those old people, at the time were probably 30' & 40's, and now being in my 50's....you never have "it" all together...we learn from our mistakes, but we continue to make them if we are stilling trying. If you aren't learning, then you have either quit paying attention or your ego is too big. No one is perfect and most still make mistakes. Failure is only a bad thing, if you don't learn something. 

 

It's so funny how a simple memory of riding in an old station wagon, going to see my "far away grandparents," hearing my grandmother laugh about not having coffee in her coffee cup, looking at a shelf above my fridge and seeing the cookie jar in the shape of a cow....or a $20 bill that would be borrowed and returned every few weeks while I got settled into my job, enjoying coffee and toast while solving the worlds problems, and missing those conversations and hugs; can make you think.